The Next Step After Encountering Ambiguity

December 2, 2008 12:17 PM

What is the next step?

So I'm a 26-year-old gay guy in a major metropolis who met this attractive 25-year-old guy at a party two Saturdays ago. He approached me and complimented my dancing. We hit it off and conversed for a while. Eventually we went to his place and talked for another hour or so about our experiences being gay, coming from families of a particular religious background, and other things. We ended up sleeping together, but didn't go past brief oral sex. We met for two more dates last week which went quite well. There was oral sex involved on both of these occasions as well but we had a conversation about STD's and testing; both of us have been tested recently and are clean. A few days ago, on our third meeting, he fixed me breakfast at his place, told me I made him "feel all happy" when I was kissing him before we left the apartment, and when I mentioned that I'd have to go shopping for furniture for the apartment I just moved into, he said, "Oh, maybe we can go together." Right before we parted ways I suggested that we meet in a couple of days. He said that sounds good and that the day I mentioned is usually one of his best days. Later that evening (Sunday) I text messaged him to see how his day went and he responded rather enthusiastically. Then yesterday evening (Monday) I called him and left a voicemail asking how his day went and telling him that since I have a lot of work, I can't do dinner the following day but can meet for a movie and then maybe head to his place (since my new place is still in the process of getting organized). I didn't hear back from him so I text messaged him this morning to see if we were still on for tonight's plans. He responded a couple of hours later saying "I'm not gonna be able to because I'm still workin on a project that's due tomorrow :/"

He didn't suggest an alternative in that message. My instinct is to think that this is a polite form of rejection. The reason I'm writing here is that I find it really strange that after three enjoyable dates and many pleasantries exchanged (as well as great physical chemistry), he would suddenly never want to see me again. If he's no longer interested in dating, I can respect his decision, but given that we have much in common, I would hope we can at least continue as friends. I do recall, though, that on our last date since I was pretty drunk while we were making out, I said, "I wanted to ask you something." He said, "What?" And I said, "No no, I shouldn't say it." He kept pushing me until I finally said, "So, I'm not seeing anyone else ..." He then interjected, "Whoa, hold your horses. I like that you're open about your feelings but we gotta take things slowly." And I said, "You're right." It was a short conversation and our makeout session then proceeded. Neither of us brought it up the next day, but I suppose it's possible that he perceived that as too aggressive and fast-paced for his tastes. I don't know.

Do you guys think that I'm right to read this as a form of polite rejection or is it possible that he's actually busy and wouldn't be averse to a phone call some time later suggesting an alternative date/time to meet up? If I am right that he has rejected me, is there anything I can tell him which shows that I'd still like to go forward as friends? Should I not even bother having any communication whatsoever with him going forward?

Thanks so much.

posted by cscott to human relations (16 comments total)

He didn't suggest an alternative in that message. My instinct is to think that this is a polite form of rejection. The reason I'm writing here is that I find it really strange that after three enjoyable dates and many pleasantries exchanged (as well as great physical chemistry), he would suddenly never want to see me again.

Sounds like your "instinct" and logic are competing here. I'd go with logic until you get more info. Remember, your "instinct" often is trying to protect you against feeling hurt based on past experiences which may or may not apply. Logic doesn't have an agenda.

Call him again in a few days.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:22 PM on December 2, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Wait a couple of days, and ring. What do actually have to lose?
posted by Solomon at 12:25 PM on December 2, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Just tell him to let you know when he's available. Your "suddenly never want to see me again" and laying out your relationship status stuff is melodramatic, but if you require monogamy and solid planning three dates into this guy you're right to be letting him know up front. Whether that's your intention or not is up to you.
posted by rhizome at 12:26 PM on December 2, 2008

So wait: the last you heard from him was a mere day ago? And you're already invoking Metafilter to ease your anxieties? I hate to say this, but you're gonna have to sit on your hands for a bit. Maybe he did balk at the "I'm not seeing anyone" overture, which was slightly premature in my book, but not an atom bomb as far as drunk slip-ups go. Maybe it just gave him pause, and he's trying to put down a few boundaries to keep exclusivity talks at bay. Or, seriously, maybe he's working on a project that's due today. I know you're trying to do some damage control so you can best prepare for rejection, and we've all been there, but you'll probably have to hold off for another few days before the fog clears.
posted by zoomorphic at 12:31 PM on December 2, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I think you're way overreacting, and I am an expert in looking for rejection where it doesn't exist. If a person is working on a project with a tight deadline, they're distracted by said project. They're not thinking about the next date.

The bottom line is, you can sit and analyze the possibilities for hours, but you won't know any more than when you started. You'll just be psyching yourself out. Go do something fun and distracting. Give him a couple days. Then call or text him and ask him out again. This kind of overthinking is never, EVER worth it, because by the time you do talk to him, your emotions will be all out of whack. People pick up on that and it doesn't reflect well on you.
posted by desjardins at 1:10 PM on December 2, 2008

Yeah, give him a bit of space. It'll solve both of your potential problems (him just needing some time to work, or him thinking you were too aggressive and quick.)
posted by Solon and Thanks at 1:25 PM on December 2, 2008

Some people just really, really suck at keeping others in the loop when they're hip-deep in work (she said, remembering her ex). He very well could have not said when you could get together next becuase he just plain didn't know.

Give it a couple days. I don't see that you have anything to worry about yet.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:44 PM on December 2, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

It sounds to me like he might actually be busy and is trying to meet a deadline. I suggest checking back in with him about making plans in a couple of days, that is if he doesn't get in touch with you first once his project is finished.
posted by katemcd at 1:59 PM on December 2, 2008

He responded a couple of hours later saying "I'm not gonna be able to because I'm still workin on a project that's due tomorrow :/" He didn't suggest an alternative in that message. My instinct is to think that this is a polite form of rejection.

lol, what? How is this not just a "ah, bummer. good luck! let me know when you're up for doing something" situation? Second guessing people is a dangerous road to go down, anyway.

And I think it was the slanty mouth smiley that did it for me. Makes it seem genuine. :-)
posted by losvedir at 2:05 PM on December 2, 2008

OK, so it sounds like you're both young and busy with work, just like me. There really is no need to read anything more into it than that at this point. I'm guessing that your respective jobs have at least these three things in common with mine:

1. budgets
2. schedules
3. deadlines

Thus he likely has (and perhaps to a lesser extent, you probably have) been dealing with the same kinds of things I've been dealing with so far this week, namely:

1. catching up after Thanksgiving
2. trying to meet month's-end/month's-beginning deadlines

And that's likely all it is. I know I've had my share of fires to put out already this week, even after I thought I had everything nailed down tight on a series of projects. I got out the door by 5 p.m. today, but when I left, most everyone else my age in the office was reevaluating workout routines, canceling dinner plans, ordering in, etc. to try to get everything done. It's probably the same thing with him—'cause it sounds like you guys really clicked in your earlier interactions, and that in fact he was really pursuing you. It just happens that right now your schedules aren't synced up, and he's probably swamped and stressed and behind at work, and since he just met you, you're going to inevitably be on the back burner, regardless of how much he likes you.

So don't worry about it. Get ahold of him this weekend and see what happens. Don't worry a good thing to death.
posted by limeonaire at 6:32 PM on December 2, 2008

I agree with losvedir about the "slanty mouth face," actually! It shows that he's not exactly keen on working overtime on the project... who would be, if the alternative is making out with a cool dude?

I'd say that after three dates... you have at couple date offers in you before it starts to look bizarre and/or possibly desperate. You've offered once, he's given you an ambiguous response. You could respond "sorry to hear you're busy. I'm free on x day" and see what he says.

I wouldn't say "I'm free anytime" because you've already over-stepped the bounds of what he's comfortable with... so let it be known (whether true or not) that you've got enough going on that you're simply trying to schedule him in on your one free day. I hope that makes sense.
posted by cranberrymonger at 6:40 PM on December 2, 2008

honestly, i don't think you need to take it as a sign that he never wants to see you again-that's an over reaction. i do though think you should take it as a sign to back off just a little. given how he responded to you when you told him you were not seeing anyone else and not repsonding to a text until you sent a request twice to hang out, he's communicating to you. he is telling you to slowdown. so, do it. if you push, you will defintely push him to decide not to hang out again. if you chill out, it gives him time to come around once he's done with his project/feels you are not so eager to be with him. in the meanwhile, take care of your new apartment, hang with friends, see a good movie...etc. good luck.
posted by Hydrofiend at 8:21 PM on December 2, 2008

Yeah, I'd agree that you're overreacting a bit. We clearly don't really know what he's thinking, but of all the ways to "politely reject" you, that is one of the more ambiguous ones he could've chosen. When I'm immersed in a project, I literally drop off the face of the planet. Sometimes, you really do like someone, but really DON'T have the time for them in those days/that week. Give it a few days and give him a call.
posted by Phire at 6:48 AM on December 3, 2008

I think you're overreacting for now. If he says he can't go because he's busy, the healthiest thing you can do is take him at his word. Speculating about all the (imo, more unlikely) things it could mean isn't helpful to either of you, and could really screw things up if you let it get to you.

As for not suggesting alternatives, some people just don't think to do that. I have to force myself to remember such a thing is polite and what other people need to hear to be assured that I want to see them. I forget this often, still.
posted by Nattie at 11:31 PM on December 3, 2008

SO WHAT HAPPENED??
posted by desjardins at 7:46 AM on December 4, 2008

Well, I left a voicemail yesterday just asking how he'd been this week and that I hope his project went smoothly. Towards the end I said something like "Anyway, call me back just so we can catch up." Then I opened my e-mail to find a message from a friend of his (a girl) who was at the party where we met. She was the one who encouraged us to dance and hook up. She was obviously out of the loop and asked me how things were going with this guy, who's one of her close friends. Since I've had a rough week for other reasons, I ended up telling her that I hadn't heard back from him and that, I'm not sure whether he's just genuinely busy or no longer interested in dating. I mentioned that, whatever the case may be, I was glad I met both of them and would be happy to hang out with them. I also told her about a couple of things which may have given him some pause, which wasn't a smart move, but I admitted that I was overthinking. At one point, I wrote "I overanalyze too much ... BAD habit I need to break." Anyway, I realized after I responded to her e-mail that it was a mistake. But I'm almost certain she communicated it to him because he ended up calling me later last night. He was very friendly as usual and said that he'd been swamped by this project and some other issues relating to getting his degree. We caught up for about fifteen minutes. I knew in the back of my mind that it was very likely that the girl had informed him about the situation, so I just said that I had a lot on my mind this week and was emotionally stressed out and thought that a lot of people were growing distant. This way the attention was shifted away from him alone. He was nice about it and said, "We all have our moments." Towards the end, I said, "You know, I know we're both busy but hey if you want to get lunch or dinner or whatever some time, just drop me a line. It would be great to catch up in person." He said, "That sounds good." So the ball is now squarely in his court. I've done enough calling and texting. I really don't expect him to get back to me again, but at least things have reached a decent, humane plateau. This way, if I do run into them again (as I'm sure I will, since we frequent the same places around town), things won't be awkward.

Thanks so much for your advice! It was very helpful =)
posted by cscott at 3:46 PM on December 5, 2008