BreakupFilter

December 2, 2008 7:58 AM

Strategies for exiting a medium-distance relationship of inadvertent seriousness?

Eight months or so ago, I hit it off with a woman. Things went well. I liked her, she liked me. She liked me more. I liked her, well, not-more. I've become convinced that things aren't turning around.

Complicating my unpleasant duty: her first serious or sexual relationship, and a distance of a few car-hours. Should this be in person? On the phone? TXT (U R DUMPT! lol!)?

I'll be in her city for work later this week if that's the way to go...

posted by anonymous to human relations (16 comments total)

In person is the way to go. Be honest and kind, but don't leave room for doubt if you feel this is absolutely the end.
posted by mikepop at 8:05 AM on December 2, 2008

In person. Public place. Remember the cliche that helps emotions..."it's not you, it's me"
posted by arniec at 8:07 AM on December 2, 2008

In person and do everything in this comment by Miko.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:12 AM on December 2, 2008 [3 favorites]

If you're going to do it, have the guts to do it face to face.

And I'm sure I don't need to say this, but if this is the first time she's been properly dumped: don't be a dick.
posted by mandal at 8:15 AM on December 2, 2008

As someone who has been dumped in a mid-term relationship recently over the phone, I can properly second mandal and say, please have the guts to do it face-to-face.

Do not get drunk and call her later for a hookup unless you really want to screw this girl up.
posted by gagglezoomer at 8:22 AM on December 2, 2008

yes, in person is the way to go.

Please do NOT say "it's not you, it's me." It was always a lame cop-out, but now it's been a punchline on "Seinfeld" re-runs for the last 10 years. Saying it in cold blood when someone is at their most vulnerable is just cruel.

You're dumping her, of COURSE it's her, and she will know you are bullshitting her if you try to say otherwise! Just be as honest as you can without being hurtful.
posted by drjimmy11 at 8:43 AM on December 2, 2008

In person, just say that it isn't working for you. Its a two-chemicals together thing and not something general about her.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:04 AM on December 2, 2008

Please do NOT say "it's not you, it's me." It was always a lame cop-out, but now it's been a punchline on "Seinfeld" re-runs for the last 10 years. Saying it in cold blood when someone is at their most vulnerable is just cruel.

Nthing this. And yes, do it in person. Do not insist on a friendship - she'll have her own opinions about that.

But -- yeah, it sounds like something isn't clicking in your case, that some missing X-factor is still missing, and...there's nothing to be done about that. One of the people who broke up with me put it well -- "all the elements are there on paper, but...I'm just still not feeling it." You just don't want to keep stringing her along, is all.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:20 AM on December 2, 2008

Seconding EmpressCallipygos in the don't insist on friendship thing. With my first real breakup, the guy insisted on sticking around awhile that night to "make sure I was okay", and kept in touch with me afterwards, which led to a protracted period of us sleeping together, and my continual hope that we would end up back together in the end. If I knew then what I know now, I would have thrown him out and not taken his calls so that I could actually get over him. The key thing is that you have to let her get over things in her own way and your presence in her life will make it harder.
posted by cabingirl at 10:28 AM on December 2, 2008

Face to face, but don't do it in a public place as has been suggested above. If she is going to cry or take it very not-well then she will not only be dumped, she will be publicly embarrassed. Do it at her own place so she doesn't have to worry about getting home afterwards.
posted by frobozz at 10:36 AM on December 2, 2008

thirding the "don't make her promise you'll still be friends" thing. it took me YEARS to realize that the reason that didn't work is that you can't be friends when you're still in love with the person.

do it soon. don't call her up and say "we need to talk" or anything that's going to foreshadow it for her (but i doubt this is a surprise). does she know you're going to be there this week? if not then ask to set up something around dinner.

not in public, please, or at least somewhere close enough to her house to get home quickly.

don't stick around, don't offer to comfort past a realistic period of time. it will make you feel terrible to leave, but you have to do it.
posted by micawber at 10:42 AM on December 2, 2008

In person is perhaps best, but I think it's more important you not wait. The end of this week is okay; waiting longer is not. If something happens to delay your work trip, I think you should go ahead and let her know however you can.

Of course do not make arrangements to stay with her. Do be kind but firm. I'd disagree with frobozz; for me break-up places hold bad memories, and I wouldn't want to have those associated with my home. But do choose a place where at least some superficial privacy is possible so she can cry her eyes out in a modicum of peace.
posted by nat at 10:57 AM on December 2, 2008

Are you driving in for the night? Then you might as well do it then, but make sure you have somewhere else to sleep that night.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:24 PM on December 2, 2008

In person, later this week. As someone who has been the shoulder for a person dumped via phone and text (separately), for the love of god please don't do that to her.
posted by ml98tu at 4:11 PM on December 2, 2008

NEVER dump someone over the phone, by e-mail, or by text message.
posted by Nattie at 11:42 PM on December 3, 2008

just an addition to the out-in-public/@hers argument: personally, I would prefer not to be dumped in my home. it somehow feels a little violating, and puts me in a place of some powerlessness. crying in public is not the worst thing that's ever happened to me - far better than having someone into my home whom i care about and trust just to have them turn it around and go, "yeah, i'm not here for sex, actually, but to dump your ass."

there's no awesome way to break someone's hopes and aspirations for a relationships. you are going to be an asshole, and she'll probably hate you, but whatever. it's not about you getting forgiveness for dumping her, it's about you being gentlemanly enough to set her free to get on with her life - and with someone else. I like you, but I am not serious enough about this relationship and I don't see it developing into an LTR. I feel we should stop dating/seeing eachother. We both deserve the chance to find what we're looking for. It's not that she's flawed, it is that you 'just now figured out' XYZ reason that it isn't working for you. Don't let her think you have been not-feeling it for the past three months but didn't have the balls to tell her - that is truly a bad way to breakup. leave this lovely person in good shape for her next romance.
posted by tamarack at 5:59 PM on December 7, 2008