My dog is having a root canal... or something

December 1, 2008 10:02 AM

Misanthropic tendency vs. office holiday party

How do I TACTFULLY bow out of a holiday office party?

I don't want to lie, but I also don't want to tell them it's because I don't really like putting up with them for 8 hours a day when I'm paid to, let alone after hours when I'm not.

Suggestions?

posted by Hugh2d2 to work & money (23 comments total)

Family obligations?

Chances are they won't care cuz they don't like you either! :-P I kid, I kid.
posted by ian1977 at 10:05 AM on December 1, 2008

Have something else to do. Do that.

Or you can just decline to state a reason. It's really none of their business.

"Are you coming to the holiday party?
"Sorry, I can't make it this year."
"Oh, why not?"
*pause, stare*
"Unfortunately, I can't make it this year."
"But why can't you come?"
*longer pause, longer stare*
"Unfortunately, I just can't this time. Hope you have fun! I have to get back to work now so I'll talk to you later."
posted by grouse at 10:07 AM on December 1, 2008 [2 favorites]

How many people work there? If the crowd's going to be big, you can just not show up and nobody will care.
posted by The corpse in the library at 10:08 AM on December 1, 2008

Them: "You goin' to the party?"

You: "No, I have other plans... lots going on this time of year. Maybe next year I'll get a chance to go."

There. Done.

None of their business if your "other plans" involve a quart of Captain Morgan and a bootleg collection of Rankin And Bass Holiday Specials on DVD. They generally won't press you, and if they do, just re-iterate: "Other plans." If they're nosy, it's their issue, not yours.
posted by Slap*Happy at 10:09 AM on December 1, 2008 [6 favorites]

The IT guy at work never attends anything outside of 9-5, even compulsory events (we put on Awards shows and other things). He gets out of it by saying that these events (including the Christmas party) conflict with watching NFL on TV... He's a *huge* Cowboys fan, y'see.

If you don't want to go, don't go. But be prepared to pay the consequences in terms of missing out on interesting projects and missing out on promotion. People can tell when you don't like them.
posted by KokuRyu at 10:16 AM on December 1, 2008

"Family stuff" is the best excuse and no one will question it.
It's not a lie because even if you are alone, you are your own family. A family of one.
posted by rmless at 10:28 AM on December 1, 2008

The best response I ever heard when I asked if someone was going to a holiday party was a hushed, eye-rolling, "....I'm not going because I already have a life."

You probably should only use this one with people you know will receive it in the right spirit, but I know I was relieved to hear that someone else other than me also didn't want to go...
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:44 AM on December 1, 2008 [2 favorites]

"A conflict", "Other plans", something along those lines is a good response but will only works once. If this is going to be a regular occurence "it's not my thing" is a decent enough response - every office has at least one person who never goes to these events, and in my experience nobody really cares.

(If they even notice - I work in an office of about 40 and have a fairly visible role - work closely with the owners, manage a dozen or so people; I couldn't make it to the last Xmas party because I attended my husband's but was still getting "did you have a good time on saturday?" and similar questions the next week).
posted by jamesonandwater at 10:44 AM on December 1, 2008

Given your dislike for everyone there, I highly doubt they will care if you don't show up. If they ask just say "I had other plans."
posted by Mastercheddaar at 11:03 AM on December 1, 2008

Agree with most of what has been said, but the value of these parties to your career depends on where you work and type of person/people you work for.

If you want to hob-knob with the boss, I question the value of the Xmas party toward that end. Everyone is going to have the same idea and sometimes the boss, him or herself, doesn't feel like hobknobbing and just wants to network "on their level".

Now that I am a boss, I make myself available during these events because I hated it when these people, who told me these parties were good networking opportunities, would hole up with their cronies and fend off any attempt by an underling to interact.
posted by PsuDab93 at 11:06 AM on December 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

Have kids? "couldn't get a babysitter" is almost objection-proof - it worked for me for eight years at my last job.
posted by deadmessenger at 11:09 AM on December 1, 2008

Sorry, you have other plans. Most people don't pry beyond this, but a casual "Doing something fun?" can be countered with "No, not really" and a cool none-of-your-damn-business stare. You might simply be planning to do the laundry but let 'em think you're going in for a colonoscopy or something.
posted by Quietgal at 11:09 AM on December 1, 2008

Quote Rachel Maddow, "... I don't go to parties. I'd rather read."
posted by Carol Anne at 11:48 AM on December 1, 2008 [2 favorites]

Agree with most of what has been said, but the value of these parties to your career depends on where you work and type of person/people you work for.
PsuDab93 makes a very good point. I know at some workplaces, no one really cares but I have had a friend get dinged recently (silly as it sounds) at review time for not "fully participating" in events. I think it's key to know what the practice is at your workplace.
posted by pointystick at 12:09 PM on December 1, 2008

I use the other plans excuse so often (my job has LOTS of social events) that I'm not sure if it's so believable anymore. So what I do now is I actually do make other plans. As soon as I find out the date, I try to get tickets to a play or concert or something and then I actually do have real plans. Plans that I can tell people all about should they ask. I just say I got the tickets ages ago as a gift or something and just never mentioned it. Better yet is if I can manage to book a little weekend away or something so that I am out of town for the party. The real secret to success here is varying your events, so people don't get suspicious when they realise that the only time you seem to attend plays or concerts is when there is a work party going on.

Also, you could say you're going to the party and in the days leading up to the event, occassionally complain of some vague feeling of sickness. Then when you don't show up, you can just say it all culminated into a horrible stomach bug on the night of the party and you just couldn't drag yourself out of bed. Make sure you mention how much you missed being there and are devastated you couldn't make it!

You could also say your significant other came down with a bad case of food poisoning after eating some dodgy shrimp and you had to stay home to tend to them, which a friend of mine has used to good effect.

Good luck in avoiding the party!
posted by triggerfinger at 12:25 PM on December 1, 2008

yeah. get a migraine. but then be sure to not actually leave the house when you're under the weather, lest ye be caught.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 12:53 PM on December 1, 2008

Don't lie. Integrity counts, right? I'd also recommend finding another job if you can't stand the people you work with. Life's too short.
posted by drinkcoffee at 1:01 PM on December 1, 2008

Sheesh, just say you have a conflict.
posted by desuetude at 1:34 PM on December 1, 2008

Please don't say mean or sarcastic things to your coworkers, or imply -- through silence -- that they are somehow stupid for wanting to have fun together. Be kind. If you have a personal preference, that's fine, but own it as a personal preference.

Be nicer than people in sitcoms, even if you have to be less funny or smug.
posted by amtho at 2:07 PM on December 1, 2008 [6 favorites]

Yes, just say you have a conflict that prevents you from attending. NOTE THAT THIS IS TOTALLY NOT A LIE, because you have internal conflict about attending a "party" when you already spend so much of your day with these people. Done!
posted by onlyconnect at 2:42 PM on December 1, 2008

Keep in mind you can also split the difference, by RSVPing that you'll attend but making it known you have another event that night, so you'll just be making an appearance.

Then show up, say hi to your boss, hey to the people you like, then bail. If you find yourself compelled to stay longer than you originally said you would, a quick "I really need to get out of here, but I want to [do whatever is keeping you] first" is plenty.
posted by davejay at 3:07 PM on December 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

Unless you're the greatest actor in the world, I'm sure they're already aware that you don't like them. They won't be in the least suprised that you bow out, and just say "It's not my thing" if someone asks. You won't be missed, you won't be the only party pooper, and it's no big deal.
posted by randomstriker at 6:39 PM on December 1, 2008

Depending upon the size of the office, non-committal responses to whether you're going to attend are appropriate, and then simply don't show. If pressed on Monday morning, a simple and reasonable conflict will give them the answer they need. You can always throw in an obligatory "sounded like fun, sorry i missed it" but sometimes that is just a trap because they'll wonder why you didn't make more of an effort.

Although I can't recommend it on moral grounds/modeling bad behavior, when I used to be in this situation years ago, I simply lied. I would not indicate ahead of time that I had no intention of going to the party. I'd skip it then come Monday I'd say "Oh nooo! I completely forgot about it! Hope you had fun!" and not discuss it any further.

Good luck. You have my sympathies!
posted by kuppajava at 7:57 AM on December 2, 2008