She went with the other guy
December 1, 2008 7:15 AM Subscribe
How can I move and forget about someone who just 10 months ago was my girlfriend but now just got married?
I know that this question (perhaps not with the exact circumstances) has been asked plenty of times in askmefi...However I couldnt help but ask again, as reading other responses did not help. About 10 months ago I broke up with someone with whom I had a very passionate and loving relationship but for plenty of reasons werent quite meant to be together...(If you are curious about the details read my very first question, it is an absolute mess but probably quite entertaining)
After the break-up I decided to focus on myself....my music, getting in shape and even some light dating. However each and every day I managed to think about her and miss her. I assumed that this is a normal part of the process but everytime news about her reached me I felt extremely misserable and it is like I am relieving the break-up over and over again. Three months after we broke up I found out she had a boyfriend and 7 months later I found out she married him....now being that I was with her for almost 3 years (without adding those months we were dating) I feel shocked, amazed, and extremely hurt about the latest turn of events.
I feel that the person I knew, that the person i was with was someone else and I dont know where all of that went....that the relationship I was in was simply fake and I was just a stand in for the next guy......as if marriage was just a slot that in her mind any guy could fit...and I also feel that I shouldn't care but for some reason I do.....
Her cousin (the person who told me about the marriage) confirms that nobody is sure of why she married him other than pressure from her parents and that well probably because he asked
I dont want to dwell on these facts any longer, I want to know if some of you have been in similar situations and what did you do to make it better?
I know that this question (perhaps not with the exact circumstances) has been asked plenty of times in askmefi...However I couldnt help but ask again, as reading other responses did not help. About 10 months ago I broke up with someone with whom I had a very passionate and loving relationship but for plenty of reasons werent quite meant to be together...(If you are curious about the details read my very first question, it is an absolute mess but probably quite entertaining)
After the break-up I decided to focus on myself....my music, getting in shape and even some light dating. However each and every day I managed to think about her and miss her. I assumed that this is a normal part of the process but everytime news about her reached me I felt extremely misserable and it is like I am relieving the break-up over and over again. Three months after we broke up I found out she had a boyfriend and 7 months later I found out she married him....now being that I was with her for almost 3 years (without adding those months we were dating) I feel shocked, amazed, and extremely hurt about the latest turn of events.
I feel that the person I knew, that the person i was with was someone else and I dont know where all of that went....that the relationship I was in was simply fake and I was just a stand in for the next guy......as if marriage was just a slot that in her mind any guy could fit...and I also feel that I shouldn't care but for some reason I do.....
Her cousin (the person who told me about the marriage) confirms that nobody is sure of why she married him other than pressure from her parents and that well probably because he asked
I dont want to dwell on these facts any longer, I want to know if some of you have been in similar situations and what did you do to make it better?
Wow. I'm so sorry for the pain she's caused you. I'm not sure if this is the right approach, but I don't think you should think up reasons as to why what she did. She knew she would end up trying to spend her life with him and without you, she cheated on you (with the boyfriend she didn't tell you about - she would have made your life miserable, possibly), and it makes me wonder if she would have been a very good partner for you.
You don't want to be miserable your whole life. She was not what she appeared to be and that is not your fault. You had some reservations about her and it turns out you were right. People in a healthy relationship who were meant to be together do not do this kind of thing to the person they love. You shouldn't give her leeway for her behavior.
I hope I'm being helpful somehow and not hurtful.
posted by anniecat at 7:33 AM on December 1, 2008
You don't want to be miserable your whole life. She was not what she appeared to be and that is not your fault. You had some reservations about her and it turns out you were right. People in a healthy relationship who were meant to be together do not do this kind of thing to the person they love. You shouldn't give her leeway for her behavior.
I hope I'm being helpful somehow and not hurtful.
posted by anniecat at 7:33 AM on December 1, 2008
Focus on something besides yourself. Find a volunteer gig that you enjoy, something regular where they need you and you can give of yourself. Find a project that you can do to help someone out - maybe a big garage clean up for your dad, a fix-up something around the house for your mom, or something that a friend needs that uses your skills (computers, handyman stuff, cooking). Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about others - just ask yourself, what can I do to make the lives of the people I really love a little better? Write out a list and start working through it.
I'm not saying you're selfish or anything like that ... just that in times of stress, I've always found it helpful to look beyond myself and try to give, in any way possible. It makes me feel better. I hope you feel better also. You can't change what happened in the past. Reliving it = pain. Accepting it and moving on = peace. Choose peace.
posted by Kangaroo at 7:46 AM on December 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
I'm not saying you're selfish or anything like that ... just that in times of stress, I've always found it helpful to look beyond myself and try to give, in any way possible. It makes me feel better. I hope you feel better also. You can't change what happened in the past. Reliving it = pain. Accepting it and moving on = peace. Choose peace.
posted by Kangaroo at 7:46 AM on December 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
If you really love her - feel happy for her, that she's found someone she felt happy enough to marry.
Sometimes you're just out of sync. You were in a space where you needed to 'focus on yourself.' She was in a place where she was looking to bond. You're going to find in life, that there are times where someone that you have great chemistry (amongst other things) and you're moving in different directions (or at an entirely different place on the wheel we call life.)
Quit looking at your dating life (or her happiness) as a contest. Technically, in dating, every relationship is a failure...until the last one. Does that mean you don't try again?
As far as your pain, why don't you focus on those things that made the relationship a failure, consoling yourself that the next person you meet, you'll behave differently.
posted by filmgeek at 7:49 AM on December 1, 2008
Sometimes you're just out of sync. You were in a space where you needed to 'focus on yourself.' She was in a place where she was looking to bond. You're going to find in life, that there are times where someone that you have great chemistry (amongst other things) and you're moving in different directions (or at an entirely different place on the wheel we call life.)
Quit looking at your dating life (or her happiness) as a contest. Technically, in dating, every relationship is a failure...until the last one. Does that mean you don't try again?
As far as your pain, why don't you focus on those things that made the relationship a failure, consoling yourself that the next person you meet, you'll behave differently.
posted by filmgeek at 7:49 AM on December 1, 2008
I dont want to dwell on these facts any longer
That's not true. You do want to dwell on these facts and you want to dwell on her. And you want to dwell on her because you never really were comfortable with your relationship ending. You felt that it would be for the best. You felt that you would be stronger, better, smarter, more good looking, now that your relationship with her was over. You figured that you would gain now that you weren't with her. And what would you gain? A new relationship, a new way of life, a new focus, a new experience, a new world. And you'd gain it all right away. But life doesn't work like that, does it?
I broke up with someone
You need to remember that and honestly believe that you did break up with her. You left. You did the dumping. You told her that you didn't want her in your life and that you didn't see being with her as a way for you to be "better" and as away for you to become the person you want to be. I know that you can only focus on the "pain" from the end of your relationship - from all the bullshit that happened, from the time you put in and you not getting the "reward" you wanted (i.e. marriage and happily ever after). You left her because you wanted something else. You took action and it doesn't matter how half-hearted you feel about it. You did something.
I assumed that this is a normal part of the process but everytime news about her reached me I felt extremely misserable and it is like I am relieving the break-up over and over again
You're not reliving the breakup - you're reliving the relization that the person you spent three years of your life on wasn't going to end up getting you what you wanted - i.e. marriage and happily ever after. You're not being honest with yourself and it reads, quite frankly, as if you felt that being together for 3 years means you're going to get what you want my default. Relationships are not fantasies.
This is how you feel "better" - You embrace the decision that you made. You need to stop looking at your ex-girlfriend as someone you "lost" because you didn't lose her. You left her. And since you're no longer her boyfriend, anything she does in her personal life no longer concerns you. So stop finding out information about her. Stop reading her facebook. Stop talking to her cousins. When your friends bring her up, change the subject. And be patient. There is no magic wand that enables us to automatically end a relationship and be the best we possibly be. Life takes time.
posted by Stynxno at 7:50 AM on December 1, 2008 [16 favorites]
That's not true. You do want to dwell on these facts and you want to dwell on her. And you want to dwell on her because you never really were comfortable with your relationship ending. You felt that it would be for the best. You felt that you would be stronger, better, smarter, more good looking, now that your relationship with her was over. You figured that you would gain now that you weren't with her. And what would you gain? A new relationship, a new way of life, a new focus, a new experience, a new world. And you'd gain it all right away. But life doesn't work like that, does it?
I broke up with someone
You need to remember that and honestly believe that you did break up with her. You left. You did the dumping. You told her that you didn't want her in your life and that you didn't see being with her as a way for you to be "better" and as away for you to become the person you want to be. I know that you can only focus on the "pain" from the end of your relationship - from all the bullshit that happened, from the time you put in and you not getting the "reward" you wanted (i.e. marriage and happily ever after). You left her because you wanted something else. You took action and it doesn't matter how half-hearted you feel about it. You did something.
I assumed that this is a normal part of the process but everytime news about her reached me I felt extremely misserable and it is like I am relieving the break-up over and over again
You're not reliving the breakup - you're reliving the relization that the person you spent three years of your life on wasn't going to end up getting you what you wanted - i.e. marriage and happily ever after. You're not being honest with yourself and it reads, quite frankly, as if you felt that being together for 3 years means you're going to get what you want my default. Relationships are not fantasies.
This is how you feel "better" - You embrace the decision that you made. You need to stop looking at your ex-girlfriend as someone you "lost" because you didn't lose her. You left her. And since you're no longer her boyfriend, anything she does in her personal life no longer concerns you. So stop finding out information about her. Stop reading her facebook. Stop talking to her cousins. When your friends bring her up, change the subject. And be patient. There is no magic wand that enables us to automatically end a relationship and be the best we possibly be. Life takes time.
posted by Stynxno at 7:50 AM on December 1, 2008 [16 favorites]
Seconding allkindsoftime's suggestion: Volunteering gives you an opportunity to create positive change in the world, and working with young people is one of the greatest investments you can make in yourself. Jean Piaget was so fascinated observing kids he became a pioneer in the field of cognition. Seriously, if you work with kids you'll learn so much about human behavior and development. Just sayin'.
There are many programs in New York where you can lend a hand. I had a life changing experience volunteering at the Brooklyn Free School, a wildly "alternative" school founded on democratic principles. They are always looking for volunteers to teach lessons for the kids and you can volunteer as little time as a single lesson (say 2 hours). Of course, there are many other programs where you can volunteer, BFS is the one that's closest to my heart, and I know the staff there are very flexible and accommodating for volunteers. It's a tight knit community of precocious kids and caring supportive adults. Fill your life with meaningful relationships and you will be feeling much better soon.
posted by abirae at 8:05 AM on December 1, 2008
There are many programs in New York where you can lend a hand. I had a life changing experience volunteering at the Brooklyn Free School, a wildly "alternative" school founded on democratic principles. They are always looking for volunteers to teach lessons for the kids and you can volunteer as little time as a single lesson (say 2 hours). Of course, there are many other programs where you can volunteer, BFS is the one that's closest to my heart, and I know the staff there are very flexible and accommodating for volunteers. It's a tight knit community of precocious kids and caring supportive adults. Fill your life with meaningful relationships and you will be feeling much better soon.
posted by abirae at 8:05 AM on December 1, 2008
There is some very good advice in the previous answers, but you need to remember that in most cases when someone gets married after such a short time together, its a pretty good bet that it will end badly. You are lucky not to be a part of that and just remember that when are not the one that has to pick up the pieces.
Other then that. there are plenty of other fish in the sea, including ones who wont make your life miserable. Keep looking.
posted by BobbyDigital at 8:21 AM on December 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
Other then that. there are plenty of other fish in the sea, including ones who wont make your life miserable. Keep looking.
posted by BobbyDigital at 8:21 AM on December 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
The more time you have to dwell, the more you will dwell on whatever it is that's bugging you. "Focusing on yourself" may or may not work, depending on why you're doing it and your mindset. If your mindset is "I want to become a better person" or something of that nature then you're going to have problems. Sure, becoming a better person is admirable, but it isn't a healthy way to get over a relationship, because to some extent it means keeping the focus on your faults and it's a subtle ongoing message of "if I'm a better person, maybe s/he will come back." Similarly, volunteering is fun, but tread carefully. It would suck if you forever associated volunteering for a certain activity with the pain of the breakup. I'd suggest just doing things that you like because you enjoy them, and try to avoid doing things that are done with a "moving on" goal in mind.
Music can be very fulfilling, but for the next 6 months I'm declaring a moratorium on love songs. Also, no songs about emptiness or angst or feeling aimless. I suggest goofy songs, happy songs, foolish songs.
Waste time. Watch movies. Start up a subscription to Netflix and go through all x seasons of that show you kept meaning to catch up on. Go to karaoke night and belt it out. Read crappy fiction. Read fun non-fiction.
Being single sucks. As someone who was totally single for 2 years I can tell you it's pretty lonely and a cold empty bed feels cold and empty. But after a year or so, something magical happens. You get used to it. And it stops hurting so much. Being alone starts to feel normal. Then, when you're settled into yourself, relationships will just happen, kind of like magic.
If you really love her - feel happy for her, that she's found someone she felt happy enough to marry.
Really?!? Sorry, maybe I am just a jerk but I have found that an important part of getting over someone is tapping into that part of you that doesn't love them. Okay, so you loved them, they were a great person. But, you know what? The relationship ended. The easiest way to let go of the past is to let go of your feelings for her.
posted by Deathalicious at 8:26 AM on December 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
Music can be very fulfilling, but for the next 6 months I'm declaring a moratorium on love songs. Also, no songs about emptiness or angst or feeling aimless. I suggest goofy songs, happy songs, foolish songs.
Waste time. Watch movies. Start up a subscription to Netflix and go through all x seasons of that show you kept meaning to catch up on. Go to karaoke night and belt it out. Read crappy fiction. Read fun non-fiction.
Being single sucks. As someone who was totally single for 2 years I can tell you it's pretty lonely and a cold empty bed feels cold and empty. But after a year or so, something magical happens. You get used to it. And it stops hurting so much. Being alone starts to feel normal. Then, when you're settled into yourself, relationships will just happen, kind of like magic.
If you really love her - feel happy for her, that she's found someone she felt happy enough to marry.
Really?!? Sorry, maybe I am just a jerk but I have found that an important part of getting over someone is tapping into that part of you that doesn't love them. Okay, so you loved them, they were a great person. But, you know what? The relationship ended. The easiest way to let go of the past is to let go of your feelings for her.
posted by Deathalicious at 8:26 AM on December 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
She knew she would end up trying to spend her life with him and without you, she cheated on you (with the boyfriend she didn't tell you about
Where are you getting that she cheated on him? Unless I'm completely misinterpreting the OP, he said that they broke up, then she got a boyfriend three months later, and then she married him months after that. He didn't say anything about her cheating on him... right? I can't tell if you misread the question, or I don't understand what the OP is saying, or if you're assuming that anyone who gets married that quickly must have been cheating beforehand. If it's the last option, I think that's an unreasonable assumption. Lots of people get married after only a few months. I don't think it's a great idea and I don't see the reason to rush, but people still do it. She doesn't have to have been cheating.
If you go and read his first question he mentions all the reasons they broke up. That she cheated on him wasn't mentioned anywhere. If anything, the closest thing to that was his mentioning that he flirted with other women and, although he didn't cheat on her, he felt it was wrong and felt very badly about it.
posted by Nattie at 8:29 AM on December 1, 2008
Where are you getting that she cheated on him? Unless I'm completely misinterpreting the OP, he said that they broke up, then she got a boyfriend three months later, and then she married him months after that. He didn't say anything about her cheating on him... right? I can't tell if you misread the question, or I don't understand what the OP is saying, or if you're assuming that anyone who gets married that quickly must have been cheating beforehand. If it's the last option, I think that's an unreasonable assumption. Lots of people get married after only a few months. I don't think it's a great idea and I don't see the reason to rush, but people still do it. She doesn't have to have been cheating.
If you go and read his first question he mentions all the reasons they broke up. That she cheated on him wasn't mentioned anywhere. If anything, the closest thing to that was his mentioning that he flirted with other women and, although he didn't cheat on her, he felt it was wrong and felt very badly about it.
posted by Nattie at 8:29 AM on December 1, 2008
Your heart is built to self recover--you must trust it will.
Often real delays in the healing process occur when we use our feelings for a lost love to prevent us from feeling something else we don't want to feel. Be aware of that.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:34 AM on December 1, 2008 [2 favorites]
Often real delays in the healing process occur when we use our feelings for a lost love to prevent us from feeling something else we don't want to feel. Be aware of that.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:34 AM on December 1, 2008 [2 favorites]
I have to disagree with anniecat. Sorry. I really don't see that this girl is hurting the OP by continuing on with her life. He's hurting himself by allowing himself to feel so poorly when he hears news of her. He could tell her cousin "Look, it pains me to hear about her. Let's not talk about her." Instead, he's pulling a pity party over how he feels for her. The girl did not start dating someone else in an attempt to hurt the OP. She did not marry the guy to hurt the OP. That the OP is feeling pain over the news is all of his own making.
To the OP: get some counseling, accept the decision you made to end the relationship and move on with your own life.
posted by onhazier at 8:51 AM on December 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
To the OP: get some counseling, accept the decision you made to end the relationship and move on with your own life.
posted by onhazier at 8:51 AM on December 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
I know where you are coming from - this happened to me with my first real girlfriend. I clearly remember having the wind knocked out of me when I learned that she was quickly getting married to the guy she met directly after me. I was hurt because it seemed like she wasn't really into ME as a person, but rather long-term commitment with anyone who was available. But you know what? BobbyDigital is completely correct. Years later, I'm about to celebrate three years of dating with the most wonderful woman I could hope for and she has a kid and ex-husband. So, I can tell you from experience that as much as it sucks now, you probably lucked out big time.
posted by Zaximus at 8:54 AM on December 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by Zaximus at 8:54 AM on December 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
It will get better, but it will take a long time.
posted by gagglezoomer at 9:23 AM on December 1, 2008
posted by gagglezoomer at 9:23 AM on December 1, 2008
There is some very good advice in the previous answers, but you need to remember that in most cases when someone gets married after such a short time together, its a pretty good bet that it will end badly.
Years later, I'm about to celebrate three years of dating with the most wonderful woman I could hope for and she has a kid and ex-husband.
Why? Why do you "need to remember" that it's possible that your ex's marriage could end badly? So you can feel smug and morally supierior? Who cares who's married and who's single (as though marriage is the sole indicator of happiness- read some old Anonymous AskMeta questions if you want evidence that not all coupled people are happy). This was said above, and I'm repeating it to balance out some of the bad advice you're receiving: Quit looking at your dating life (or her happiness) as a contest. She's doing her thing. You do yours. Don't make life a contest, even if you can set it up so you're the winner.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:40 AM on December 1, 2008 [6 favorites]
Years later, I'm about to celebrate three years of dating with the most wonderful woman I could hope for and she has a kid and ex-husband.
Why? Why do you "need to remember" that it's possible that your ex's marriage could end badly? So you can feel smug and morally supierior? Who cares who's married and who's single (as though marriage is the sole indicator of happiness- read some old Anonymous AskMeta questions if you want evidence that not all coupled people are happy). This was said above, and I'm repeating it to balance out some of the bad advice you're receiving: Quit looking at your dating life (or her happiness) as a contest. She's doing her thing. You do yours. Don't make life a contest, even if you can set it up so you're the winner.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:40 AM on December 1, 2008 [6 favorites]
People heal at different speeds. You don't know that she is over you, for one thing. But you also don't know what kind of work she did on herself, and how much she put into recovering from your breakup. I thought I wouldn't get over my last breakup for a long time, but some hard, painful work with the help of a therapist got me back to normal much quicker than I ever expected--and then I met someone and despite it seeming "fast", it's been right and really great. I think marrying someone after seven months is a little quick, but that doesn't mean it wasn't right for them.
I agree with the poster who said you need to accept that YOU ended this relationship, and let her go. You hurt her first by ending the relationship; she owes you nothing, least of all to keep from falling in love again. Stop torturing yourself with thoughts of her and learn to accept reality as it is, not as you wish it would be.
That she moved on so fast does not mean you were a stand-in for the next guy, or that she'd marry anyone who asked. She dated you for three years; was she waiting for YOU to ask? Or was she waiting to meet someone she could say yes to?
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 9:48 AM on December 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
I agree with the poster who said you need to accept that YOU ended this relationship, and let her go. You hurt her first by ending the relationship; she owes you nothing, least of all to keep from falling in love again. Stop torturing yourself with thoughts of her and learn to accept reality as it is, not as you wish it would be.
That she moved on so fast does not mean you were a stand-in for the next guy, or that she'd marry anyone who asked. She dated you for three years; was she waiting for YOU to ask? Or was she waiting to meet someone she could say yes to?
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 9:48 AM on December 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
There's no faster way to make yourself a miserable wreck than sitting around obsessing over this bit of news, honestly. Just tell your cousin that you hope that works out for your ex, which is reasonably noncommittal, and that you'd prefer not to talk about her if it can be avoided.
The trick is to say that, mean it, and then go do something more constructive with your time. Volunteer, go restring your guitar or fiddle with your synth, beat Gears of War 2 with your pals, whatever it is that will advance your own goals and develop your own interests.
My high-school/college ex married the second girl he dated after he dumped me. It's been... probably something like thirteen years now and they've got two kids and whatnot. Mutual friends occasionally tell me this stuff, and I take note of it, hope that it's all going well for them, and don't let it bug me. He did what he needed to do, I did what I needed to do, and the world didn't end for anyone. There was no giant Hollywood comeuppance for anybody involved-- and I'd've liked him to get his when I was 20, sure. These days, not so much.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 10:10 AM on December 1, 2008
The trick is to say that, mean it, and then go do something more constructive with your time. Volunteer, go restring your guitar or fiddle with your synth, beat Gears of War 2 with your pals, whatever it is that will advance your own goals and develop your own interests.
My high-school/college ex married the second girl he dated after he dumped me. It's been... probably something like thirteen years now and they've got two kids and whatnot. Mutual friends occasionally tell me this stuff, and I take note of it, hope that it's all going well for them, and don't let it bug me. He did what he needed to do, I did what I needed to do, and the world didn't end for anyone. There was no giant Hollywood comeuppance for anybody involved-- and I'd've liked him to get his when I was 20, sure. These days, not so much.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 10:10 AM on December 1, 2008
Three months after we broke up I found out she had a boyfriend and 7 months later I found out she married him....now being that I was with her for almost 3 years (without adding those months we were dating) I feel shocked, amazed, and extremely hurt about the latest turn of events.
I have had not one, but two different people I was involved with announce that they were sick of waiting for me to ask them to get married (or even move in), and so they were going off to marry someone else -- someone that, in fact, they'd already chosen. My mistake, my loss.
However, I don't think my relationships with these people were "stand-in" relationships or anything; there's no single right person for someone else, there's just a subset of people in the world we can fall in love with and successfully spend the rest of our lives with (and a larger subset of people whom we can call in love with or successfully spend the rest of our lives with, but not both.) There's also a huge pile of people we can't stand to share an elevator with for two minutes.
So you had a relationship, you actively chose not to take steps to further it, and so you lost it. Giving yourself a hard time because it was a "fake" relationship and you didn't realize it? That's just drama. Giving yourself a hard time because you didn't commit to what it took to keep the relationship? That's legitimate. Stop doing the former, start doing the latter, and let that help you decide how to proceed in future relationships.
Also: get some friends, take some classes, get out more. You're spending too much time thinking about this.
posted by davejay at 11:43 AM on December 1, 2008 [2 favorites]
I have had not one, but two different people I was involved with announce that they were sick of waiting for me to ask them to get married (or even move in), and so they were going off to marry someone else -- someone that, in fact, they'd already chosen. My mistake, my loss.
However, I don't think my relationships with these people were "stand-in" relationships or anything; there's no single right person for someone else, there's just a subset of people in the world we can fall in love with and successfully spend the rest of our lives with (and a larger subset of people whom we can call in love with or successfully spend the rest of our lives with, but not both.) There's also a huge pile of people we can't stand to share an elevator with for two minutes.
So you had a relationship, you actively chose not to take steps to further it, and so you lost it. Giving yourself a hard time because it was a "fake" relationship and you didn't realize it? That's just drama. Giving yourself a hard time because you didn't commit to what it took to keep the relationship? That's legitimate. Stop doing the former, start doing the latter, and let that help you decide how to proceed in future relationships.
Also: get some friends, take some classes, get out more. You're spending too much time thinking about this.
posted by davejay at 11:43 AM on December 1, 2008 [2 favorites]
Oh, and if you still can't see what's being said here, try this on for size:
"I was working at this job, and they wanted to promote me to a pre-management position, and I said no. After three years, I quit. They hired someone else, and within seven months, they promoted that person to the pre-management position I turned down, and then to a management position! I feel like I wasted my time there, I was never going to get anywhere, it was like a fake job."
posted by davejay at 11:45 AM on December 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
"I was working at this job, and they wanted to promote me to a pre-management position, and I said no. After three years, I quit. They hired someone else, and within seven months, they promoted that person to the pre-management position I turned down, and then to a management position! I feel like I wasted my time there, I was never going to get anywhere, it was like a fake job."
posted by davejay at 11:45 AM on December 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
When we obsess about a past love, we're continuing the relationship in absentia. The obsessive thoughts and memories allow us to stay with the person and postpone grieving. There's even a neurological element to it in some cases: in one UCLA study, the MRI's of people suffering losses showed activity in their brains' nucleus accumbens regions which are linked to pleasure, reward, and social attachment.
"Talk" to your mind. If you truly want to get over your ex, visualize helpful scenarios: imagine she's moved to Antarctica and will remain there for 10 years. Imagine that aliens have transported her and her husband to another galaxy. Whatever it takes.
If you fear you won't ever heal, just recall the girlfriends of your past. You're over them now. They're history. As hard as it is to believe right now, this one will be, too. Especially when a new love comes your way.
posted by terranova at 12:03 PM on December 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
"Talk" to your mind. If you truly want to get over your ex, visualize helpful scenarios: imagine she's moved to Antarctica and will remain there for 10 years. Imagine that aliens have transported her and her husband to another galaxy. Whatever it takes.
If you fear you won't ever heal, just recall the girlfriends of your past. You're over them now. They're history. As hard as it is to believe right now, this one will be, too. Especially when a new love comes your way.
posted by terranova at 12:03 PM on December 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
I think part of what you do is realize that you can't 'make it better'. Breaking up with someone - ever someone you aren't entirely in sync with - often hurts. It sounds like you're trying to decide that your relationship wasn't meaningful, to get rid of the pain you're feeling. It probably was meaningful. Meaningful relationships - well, all relationships, I guess - end. Just because the person you were with moved onto another meaningful relationship does not negate the value of your former relationship.
It's bittersweet to be given a reminder that a relationship that was meaningful to you has ended. I'd like to be happy for every person I used to date, as I am in a wonderful relationship now. Every one of those relationships truly taught me something (Thanks for teaching me how to drive, CE!). but you know, I'm not entirely able to do it. It still wrongly feels like a lil'bit'o a failure on my part. And while I intellectually know that's wrong (I can't be with my husband and ALL of my former boyfriends, now can I?) it's how I feel, and I've given up trying to belittle the feeling, the former relationship, or them. Doesn't work.
I just realize it's a feeling, and I get along with feeling it rather than trying to 'make it better', knowing it is what it is - the stuff of poetry, novels and theatre and all that, and one way or another I'll stop feeling it one day.
So it goes, so I say just go with it.
posted by anitanita at 12:36 PM on December 1, 2008
It's bittersweet to be given a reminder that a relationship that was meaningful to you has ended. I'd like to be happy for every person I used to date, as I am in a wonderful relationship now. Every one of those relationships truly taught me something (Thanks for teaching me how to drive, CE!). but you know, I'm not entirely able to do it. It still wrongly feels like a lil'bit'o a failure on my part. And while I intellectually know that's wrong (I can't be with my husband and ALL of my former boyfriends, now can I?) it's how I feel, and I've given up trying to belittle the feeling, the former relationship, or them. Doesn't work.
I just realize it's a feeling, and I get along with feeling it rather than trying to 'make it better', knowing it is what it is - the stuff of poetry, novels and theatre and all that, and one way or another I'll stop feeling it one day.
So it goes, so I say just go with it.
posted by anitanita at 12:36 PM on December 1, 2008
You are not the first person on planet earth who was with someone for X time and didn't get married, only for them to turn around after you broke up and marry the next person they met.
It is not necessarily true that she will get divorced from the gentleman she just met. I know people - quite a few of them - who knew the day they met that they were going to be together, and they still are. Some of them were even getting over broken hearts at the time.
Love is an inexact science.
People change, people grow. But don't demonize her unless she did something terrible to you. She just broke up with you and found someone she could have a serious relationship with. It sounds to me like you are falling apart because you realize your role in this and can't fix it now. I'm sorry about that, but it is what it is.
BTW, you are in no shape to do even "light dating". Heal thyself first.
posted by micawber at 1:33 PM on December 1, 2008
It is not necessarily true that she will get divorced from the gentleman she just met. I know people - quite a few of them - who knew the day they met that they were going to be together, and they still are. Some of them were even getting over broken hearts at the time.
Love is an inexact science.
People change, people grow. But don't demonize her unless she did something terrible to you. She just broke up with you and found someone she could have a serious relationship with. It sounds to me like you are falling apart because you realize your role in this and can't fix it now. I'm sorry about that, but it is what it is.
BTW, you are in no shape to do even "light dating". Heal thyself first.
posted by micawber at 1:33 PM on December 1, 2008
Best answer: I've been in a similar situation. My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me and then 6 weeks later asked out a new girl, and then two weeks later told me 'he never knew what true love meant before'. Ouch! But it seems a pretty common tale.
One of the hardest things for me was that, like you, I felt like either what I thought we had was fake, or that he'd changed. This made me feel I could never judge anyone/a relationship accurately again... But in the end I think that sometimes things just don't work out, even though they could've. But 'could' is not the same as 'is'. It's like 'well, i had happy times with that person, and maybe if we'd met five years later, or if she'd done this, or I'd done that, or we lived on Mars or her parents were less conservative blah blah blah whatever, it could've worked. But in fact it didn't work out, we don't live on Mars, and it was not her fault, my fault, it wasn't fake, but whatever, it just isn't.' It kind of lets you hold on to the positive memories of what you had, without stopping you from letting go of it in the present.
I have always firmly believed that it's not a case of finding 'the one'. There is more than one person you can be blissfully happy with and have a really fulfilling relationship. Just because it didn't work out with one person you felt you could've been perfect with, doesn't mean you've missed your only chance.
I also think it's pretty common to get upset about things being taken out of your hands, irrespective of whether you actually want to be with this girl. Advertising uses it all the time 'get in quick before you miss out'. Psychologically we're actually more upset by the thought of missing out on something (even something we don't want) than we are excited by the opportunity of having something we want. It sounds to me like you made the right choice breaking up with this girl, and you were happy enough with that til it became no longer an option to get her back.
I think it just takes time...I've heard the figures 6 months to half of the time you were together bandied about. That pretty much tallied for me. After 6 months I *started* to feel better, almost a year on there is still some sadness but I'm back to being a generally happy, secure person, and ready to give it another shot when I have the chance. But I think it'll still take a long time til all the sadness has completely disappeared. I'm sure everyone needs a different amount of time, but for me it helped to have a timeframe and a light at the end of the tunnel. And sometimes it is a case of 3 steps forward one step back.
I think it's important to give yourself some time to be a complete sooky-la-la and watch heaps of tv, listen to soppy music, eat too much ice-cream, whinge to your mates about it ad nauseum etc. This is helpful but won't fix you - it's also important to yank yourself out of it when you feel you've had enough of that time, even though you're still sad. Possibly you're already passed this since you seem frustrated that you're still upset, or possibly you never gave yourself the chance to go through it. Consciously take a look at yourself and decide whether it's productive any longer. At some point it's no longer helping, and it's just reinforcing negative brain patterns.
It hurts when you hear news of the other person... I think of it like weights training. It frickin' hurts, but in time it becomes easier. Really. So it can actually be helpful but don't overdo it.
Apart from that, just try and make sure the rest of your life is in balance. There's more than one path to happiness, so focus on all the other stuff that's generally accepted to make people happy: fulfilling job, good relationships with friends and family, healthy lifestyle, a hobby or two, try not to be overly introspective, or to wallow for the sake of it, know when to give stuff your all and when to let go...
Well that's my experience and what I did to fix myself. I got there. You'll get there. Good luck.
posted by Emilyisnow at 12:00 AM on December 2, 2008 [5 favorites]
One of the hardest things for me was that, like you, I felt like either what I thought we had was fake, or that he'd changed. This made me feel I could never judge anyone/a relationship accurately again... But in the end I think that sometimes things just don't work out, even though they could've. But 'could' is not the same as 'is'. It's like 'well, i had happy times with that person, and maybe if we'd met five years later, or if she'd done this, or I'd done that, or we lived on Mars or her parents were less conservative blah blah blah whatever, it could've worked. But in fact it didn't work out, we don't live on Mars, and it was not her fault, my fault, it wasn't fake, but whatever, it just isn't.' It kind of lets you hold on to the positive memories of what you had, without stopping you from letting go of it in the present.
I have always firmly believed that it's not a case of finding 'the one'. There is more than one person you can be blissfully happy with and have a really fulfilling relationship. Just because it didn't work out with one person you felt you could've been perfect with, doesn't mean you've missed your only chance.
I also think it's pretty common to get upset about things being taken out of your hands, irrespective of whether you actually want to be with this girl. Advertising uses it all the time 'get in quick before you miss out'. Psychologically we're actually more upset by the thought of missing out on something (even something we don't want) than we are excited by the opportunity of having something we want. It sounds to me like you made the right choice breaking up with this girl, and you were happy enough with that til it became no longer an option to get her back.
I think it just takes time...I've heard the figures 6 months to half of the time you were together bandied about. That pretty much tallied for me. After 6 months I *started* to feel better, almost a year on there is still some sadness but I'm back to being a generally happy, secure person, and ready to give it another shot when I have the chance. But I think it'll still take a long time til all the sadness has completely disappeared. I'm sure everyone needs a different amount of time, but for me it helped to have a timeframe and a light at the end of the tunnel. And sometimes it is a case of 3 steps forward one step back.
I think it's important to give yourself some time to be a complete sooky-la-la and watch heaps of tv, listen to soppy music, eat too much ice-cream, whinge to your mates about it ad nauseum etc. This is helpful but won't fix you - it's also important to yank yourself out of it when you feel you've had enough of that time, even though you're still sad. Possibly you're already passed this since you seem frustrated that you're still upset, or possibly you never gave yourself the chance to go through it. Consciously take a look at yourself and decide whether it's productive any longer. At some point it's no longer helping, and it's just reinforcing negative brain patterns.
It hurts when you hear news of the other person... I think of it like weights training. It frickin' hurts, but in time it becomes easier. Really. So it can actually be helpful but don't overdo it.
Apart from that, just try and make sure the rest of your life is in balance. There's more than one path to happiness, so focus on all the other stuff that's generally accepted to make people happy: fulfilling job, good relationships with friends and family, healthy lifestyle, a hobby or two, try not to be overly introspective, or to wallow for the sake of it, know when to give stuff your all and when to let go...
Well that's my experience and what I did to fix myself. I got there. You'll get there. Good luck.
posted by Emilyisnow at 12:00 AM on December 2, 2008 [5 favorites]
let me tell you a little story. my first boyfriend (let's call him 'fucker' from now on) broke up with me after seven months of dating, because he just didn't know... the fucker didn't really know if he loved me or wanted me or was willing and able to take care of me. a few weeks later, we got back together. and two months later... the fucker broke up with me again! at this point i decided that i will NEVER EVER EVER EVER get back together with any fucker that broke up with me or any poor fucker i broke up with. i figured that one must have really good reasons to break-up a committed relationship, good enough and thought-through enough to know 100% that it's over, toast, dunzo, no regrets, no looking back. the advantages of that approach include: not agonizing over your ex moving on with his/her life. now the fucker came back after some time and wanted to date me again. you see, he realized what he had lost. he was quite upset to find out that he cannot be my fucker anymore and that he cannot fuck with my life or with me (literally and figuratively speaking). lesson for you: at this precise moment you're being the fucker. next time you think of breaking up with the woman of your dreams, do some serious soul-searching as well as a cost-benefit analysis. (also, as a side note, don't make it a question on askmefi).
in terms of the current situation: you made your decision, your involvement with her life should be over as soon as this decision was communicated to her. that's what you wanted, right? to break-up. you're broken up and she's moving on with her life - she's doing the right thing. is she a completely different person now? perhaps. she's probably a smarter one. she's not dwelling on a fucker who ditched her. as to the success or validity of her marriage, again, it shouldn't concern you. i, for one, wish her all the best and hope that the guy she dated immediately after you happened to be the anti-fucker that we all hope to meet in our lives. finally, on a more generous note: get out there, live a little, meet people, volunteer, most of all: grow, grow, grow. grow - so that the next time a great woman enters your life, you will be ready for her and the commitment she may want.
posted by barrakuda at 1:45 AM on December 2, 2008
in terms of the current situation: you made your decision, your involvement with her life should be over as soon as this decision was communicated to her. that's what you wanted, right? to break-up. you're broken up and she's moving on with her life - she's doing the right thing. is she a completely different person now? perhaps. she's probably a smarter one. she's not dwelling on a fucker who ditched her. as to the success or validity of her marriage, again, it shouldn't concern you. i, for one, wish her all the best and hope that the guy she dated immediately after you happened to be the anti-fucker that we all hope to meet in our lives. finally, on a more generous note: get out there, live a little, meet people, volunteer, most of all: grow, grow, grow. grow - so that the next time a great woman enters your life, you will be ready for her and the commitment she may want.
posted by barrakuda at 1:45 AM on December 2, 2008
on second thought, i'm way too nice to you. what the hell are you thinking? you're upset because a girlfriend, whom you broke up with, moved on? what's wrong with you? how long, according to you, should she suffer over this dumping? would a couple of years be better? should she spend the rest of her life hoping for you to take her back? WTF?
posted by barrakuda at 2:43 AM on December 2, 2008
posted by barrakuda at 2:43 AM on December 2, 2008
Response by poster: Barrakuda...Thanks for the kind (or not so kind words) I never mentioned she did anything wrong. I only wanted words or similar stories that can help me move on...as it is about time I did.
posted by The1andonly at 4:51 AM on December 2, 2008
posted by The1andonly at 4:51 AM on December 2, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
I went through a particular time once where I too was dealing with the distressing results of relationship lost. Someone was kind and firm enough to point out to me how horribly entrenched I was with *myself* - with my own grief, my own loss, with me. It wasn't an easy thing for them to point out and these many years later I love them for taking the time to do it. They say your real friends are those who only get in your way when you're going down.
Anyway, shortly thereafter a friend of mine rather serendipitously pointed out that she thought I'd be great working with teenagers. Turned out she was right, I've been volunteering in various formats for the past 8 years. It is now one of the most treasured parts of my life and most of my very best friends are a result of that work.
And now when I think back on her I can do it in healthy and thankful ways.
posted by allkindsoftime at 7:22 AM on December 1, 2008 [4 favorites]