Comments on: My mom doesn't want me to go to Chicago alone.

Question: My mom doesn't want me to go to Chicago alone.

IndigoRain — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 19:52:26 -0800

I need help dealing with my mother's anxiety over my going to Chicago alone for a few hours.

I'm 28 years old and, unfortunately due to my very low income, I live with my parents. On Monday I have to go to Chicago to pick up a friend at the airport. Upon telling my mom this, she's locked herself in her bedroom, crying, and won't talk to me. She does not want me going alone - she seems to feel Chicago is just too dangerous for any woman to go alone, ever. I think she's also afraid of the traffic. (I've invited her along but she would have to leave straight from work to go with me and I don't think she wants to. When she goes with me, she's perfectly fine.)

I've been to Chicago once before alone, at 25. She was very angry and didn't speak to me for a few days. Last winter, if I was out and the roads were even slightly snowy or icy, I got lectured, and she said "We are in our 60s, we can't take the anxiety and the worry like we used to. You need to be home when the weather is bad." I know my dad has an anxiety disorder and panic attacks, but I am beginning to suspect my mom has one as well, and simply hides it. Even if she doesn't, I think her anxiety is getting worse as she gets older.

I'm trying to find a cousin or friend who will go with me to Chicago, to make her feel somewhat better. (This summer, a friend and I went to Chicago together, and she didn't worry as much, but did call my cell phone a couple of times to check on me.) She does not really believe in therapy or medications for anxiety, I don't think, but anyways, since it's only 2 days away, there's not really time for that. Is there anything I can do or say in the meantime to help her relax and understand that I will (most likely) be fine? I know all the safety tips, I stick to safe areas, and I've never been a victim of a crime.

By: sanka

sanka — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 20:00:13 -0800

There are apparently 4 million women who live in the Chicago area. How does your Mom think they survive?

In short, do what you have to, and when you come back alive your Mom will probably bake you a cake.

By: sugarfish

sugarfish — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 20:04:39 -0800

You are not in charge of your mother's emotions. You are not in charge of your mother's emotions.

You're going to the airport. If she wants to throw a fit about it, there's nothing you can do. The more you give in to histrionics, the worse they'll get. Make sure your cell is charged and check traffic before you go.

By: valkyryn

valkyryn — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 20:07:17 -0800

This isn't about you. This is about her. This is, to put it bluntly, completely irrational on her part, so there isn't really anything you can say or do you do here. Your mother is a controlling, manipulative person. The biggest question for you here is whether you want to cater to that or not.

I'd probably say something like "Mom, you're being completely irrational about this. There are people who make this drive several times a week without incident. I love you now, and I'll love you while I'm gone, and I'll love you when I get back, but you freaking out about this is not going to either keep me from going or keep me any safer than I already will be while I'm gone. You're being controlling, and though I may happen to live with you, I have my own life and can make my own decisions. Now settle down."

But you don't have to be cruel about it. It's worth pointing out that you don't have to go anywhere near downtown Chicago if you stick to I-294.

By: Fairchild

Fairchild — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 20:08:44 -0800

This sounds harsh, but don't try to reassure her or comfort her.

You are an adult. You didn't need to tell her you were going to Chicago if you knew she would be crazy about this sort of thing. Next time, keep this info to yourself. Go to Chicago alone. She'll get over it. You're not a child and it's not your responsibility to soothe anxieties. Since she's completely relaxed when she joins you in Chicago, she obviously has some control issues. And blaming and lecturing you for causing her stress and worry? This is manipulative behavior and totally unfair. It sounds like they've got you right under their thumb.

I know you're in a rough spot money wise, but please try to get your own place sooner rather than later. You need to create some healthy boundaries. It's not your job to reassure or please your parents. You need to live your own life.

Good luck.

By: citron

citron — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 20:08:53 -0800

oh, god, move out.

Er.. barring that, you are not responsible for managing your parents' anxiety. If they are not actually going to stop you from going, just go.

By: amyms

amyms — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 20:10:36 -0800

Seconding what others have said. You are an adult. If your mother chooses to act like a child, that's her problem, not yours. Don't placate her or engage in any discussion about it. Go to Chicago, and when you come back alive, be the bigger person and stifle the desire to say "I told you so."

By: lee

lee — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 20:12:02 -0800

All you can do is tell her you will be careful. Call her when you get to the airport, hopefully safely! After you hang up, you can scream to yourself in the car, "MOM, I'm an ADULT!!"

By: lgandme0717

lgandme0717 — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 20:36:02 -0800

I got this reaction from my parents when I used to travel all around Manhattan all by myself. I was 12 at the time, though.

What worked for me: I just started to lie to them. I'd say that I was going wherever with a friend.

Yes, it's a juvenile solution... but this is a demoralizing situation for any adult woman. Do what you need to to allay their fears, but as others have said, their reaction is really their issue, not yours.

By: divabat

divabat — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 20:38:53 -0800

My parents were like this. The only way to solve it was to just do it anyway (plus go on an international trip - time of my life, took them a while to get over the anxiety). They still have their moments but they're better now.

Just go.

By: Brockles

Brockles — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 20:41:13 -0800

I need help dealing with my mother's anxiety over my going to Chicago alone for a few hours.

No. You really don't. This is not something YOU need to deal with in any way at all. You need to get your mother to get a grip on reality and stop her irrational fears from making you feel you need to do something like "try to find a cousin or friend who will go with me to Chicago, to make her feel somewhat better.". This is not something that you need to modify your behaviour about, this is something that SHE needs to modify her behaviour about.

These constant guilt trips about 'worry because the weather is bad' are unhealthy and unrealistic. They are purely and simply a control mechanism for them to exercise veto over how you act. You are, quite honestly, devoid of any responsibility to pander to them. Yes, it will not be easy, but Chicago? Really? It's not exactly Detroit slums, or Mexico City, or Beirut. Especially on the highway to the airport.

They are possibly behind the times (at best) and possibly just using this as an outlet for their own paranoia and using it to be controlling (at worst). You need to be asking people how to get your parents to back off and let you live your life independently and by your own rules, at 28 years old. Not asking how to let your parents treat you like a 14 year old.

I'm sorry that's harsh, but that's kind of how I speak. My harshness doesn't make it any less true, though.

By: St. Alia of the Bunnies

St. Alia of the Bunnies — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 20:49:24 -0800

Do what you need to do, but don't be harsh with your mom. I doubt she's really trying to be controlling-she probably really does feel fear and anxiety, whether or not it's justified.

I'm a mom of grown children, and at times I have told my son, for instance, to NOT tell me certain things he's up to. (Nothing illegal, immoral or fattening, mind you.) I know I freak out even when not warranted, and this way what I don't know doesn't bother me.

By: St. Alia of the Bunnies

St. Alia of the Bunnies — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 20:51:39 -0800

One other thing-are you an only child? I suspect you may be. Which would explain the uberanxiety on her part.

By: bedhead

bedhead — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 21:02:05 -0800

Plenty of women, myself included, have gone to Chicago - the airport, downtown, and even sketchy neighborhoods - and got along just fine. We even came out alive.

You're an adult. She is behaving irrationally. If you want to do the passive thing, either don't tell her you're going or tell her you're going with a friend. If you want to be direct, tell her she's being irrational and manipulative and you won't accept it.

By: Nixie Pixel

Nixie Pixel — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 21:12:01 -0800

The fact that you are basically dependent upon her for a place to live must be affecting your feelings here. Try not to let it - placating her because you are grateful for a place to live is not going to do yourself or her any favors.

Repeat to yourself, as often as necessary, that you are not responsible for your mother's feelings, as stated again and again above.

Don't make changes to your own life for her - be ok with yourself because of your actions and your principles, not because of how those people around you who you care about feel about you.

By: scody

scody — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 21:17:21 -0800

Let me repeat what others have said: you are not responsible for managing your mother's anxiety or any of her other feelings. Just because she is trying to foist them on you does not mean you have to accept the burden. (I speak from experience of having a mother who was in a state of near-panic for most of the seven years I lived in Chicago. For some strange reason, she's totally fine with me living in L.A., though.)

Tell her you love her, go to get your friend, and if she is emotionally punitive or lays on a guilt trip when when you return, please keep this in mind: guilt is only an appropriate emotion when you have actually done something harmful. Driving to Chicago to pick up a friend from the airport does not fall into that category.

By: Ironmouth

Ironmouth — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 21:26:17 -0800

Your mothers issues are not yours.

By: Grlnxtdr

Grlnxtdr — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 21:50:06 -0800

Oh, God. If I lived with my mother she would do this.

I would tell her to knock it off, get a grip etc.

She would then make some sort of crazy over-the-top statement like, "This is proof that you don't love me at all!!111!!!'

I would get pissed b/c I could clearly see this as the manipulation that it is. I'd go to Chicago.

She'd get all bent out of shape and call my cell until I turned it off, prompting her to leave increasingly hysterical voicemails. I'd get more pissed and tell her not to talk to me until she learned proper phone etiquette.

Just go, this won't stop until you put your foot down. Repeatedly.

By: IndigoRain

IndigoRain — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 22:18:41 -0800

Thank you, everyone. I know I've done nothing wrong. Yes, I am an only child, and yes, the minute I can, I'm moving out. She is better when I don't live here - out of sight, out of mind, I guess. I just know what it's like because I have a lot of anxiety too, but I went to therapy and learned coping techniques. But thank you for telling me I'm not responsible for her emotions... it makes me feel better.

By: IndigoRain

IndigoRain — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 22:23:09 -0800

BTW, my dad's fine and not worried.

By: PY

PY — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 22:28:57 -0800

Is there anything I can do or say in the meantime to help her relax and understand that I will (most likely) be fine?

The part about your summer trip when your mom called your "cell phone a couple of times to check on" you made me wonder if you call her and take her calls when you go out to let her know you've arrived safely. If you're not so consistent about that, start doing so. Tell her that you're going to call when you get to the airport and do it. I'm not really sure how far you are from Chicago, but you could even call at the halfway mark too if it's a long drive.

Let her know that you're prepared in case of car problems with your AAA card, repair kit, or whatever your actual plan is. If the car hasn't been checked for a while, take it in to make sure it's good for the drive. Basically, let her know that you are definitely going to pick your friend up and that you will take reasonable steps for your own safety. This should alleviate rational fears and please don't let her irrational ones hold you back from this trip or other opportunities in Chicago and elsewhere (it's not uncommon to end up traveling solo to job interviews, for example).

By: XMLicious

XMLicious — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 22:29:29 -0800

This is obviously the product of some kind of mental aberration, whether it's a distorted view of reality or a form of manipulation as some have suggested. In either case lgandme0717's proposal seems the most practical: simply lie to her. Tell her that you have found a big strapping acquaintance, an old friend from high school who is an off-duty Marine who decided to go with you, and take the therapy route later. (If she's still resistant, that seems like a good indication that it may be some form of manipulation rather than genuine concern alone.)

Think of it like dealing with Alzheimer's: if someone really, really want to believe that it's December 5th, 1993 every day, constantly showing them the news ticker on TV or a modern calendar to forcefully prove what the correct date is simply isn't productive.

By: IndigoRain

IndigoRain — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 22:39:14 -0800

I do call her when I say I'm going to, and if she calls, I answer. If there's something going on where I can't answer, I call her back right away when I can. It's only about an hour and 20 minute drive to the airport from here. I used to have AAA, but not anymore. However, the friend I'm picking up has it, and it covers her in any car she rides in. My car's in fine shape, I have it checked regularly.

By: stubby phillips

stubby phillips — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 23:03:33 -0800

I was like this with the boy (Buzz) when he drove off in his POS car oh so many times to festivals across the country. One successful trip after another did nothing to assuage my fears. Only when he got himself in trouble and then got himself right back out again did I begin to chill the fuck out.

I feel bad for your mom. Through pain, we learn. This is her opportunity.

By: reflecked

reflecked — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 00:58:51 -0800

There are times when every child, once they're mature, owes their parents a good lie.

By: white light

white light — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 01:37:03 -0800

I would really not recommend lying about this. What if she wants to talk to your friend? She'll doubt you after that and probably worry even more in other situations, wonder if you're lying again and doing other things that may give her anxiety.

I would stay honest and assure her that there's not even any chance for something to happen. You're driving to the airport. Tons of people are at the airport at all times, including lots of airport employees, security guards, transit workers, assistants, other innocent travelers, etc.

Is it O'Hare? Cause that's barely even in the city. It's not like you're going to some mysterious ghetto part of town at 3 in the morning by foot.

Make all of this clear (in a calm, reassuring tone) and if she still has a problem with it, go anyway. When you get back tell her how friendly the people were (this is one rare situation where I would recommend lying a bit if necessary. "A parking lot attendant asked me if I needed any help finding my way", etc.)

By: Brandon Blatcher

Brandon Blatcher — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 04:46:18 -0800

Is there anything I can do or say in the meantime to help her relax and understand that I will (most likely) be fine?

Give her a hug and kiss on the cheek and tell her that you love her, but you're going to Chicago, that you'll be fine and you'll see her when you get back.

How she handles that is up to her.

By: Kangaroo

Kangaroo — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 05:08:21 -0800

I just want to add a practical note: I live in the northern Chicago suburbs, maybe 20 minutes from O'Hare, and drive to the airport or by it maybe once a week or so. There is a LOT of construction on many of the roads leading to O'Hare and all around it. Just know this so that you can build some extra time in for your trip. It might help with your own anxiety to know that what usually takes an hour could take much longer depending on the time of day, particularly if you're coming from the west or the north. Leave a little earlier and then you won't stress over being late. Hey - hope you have a fun trip and a good visit with your friend!

By: XMLicious

XMLicious — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 05:19:44 -0800

The thing is, if she locked herself in her room over this it sounds like she's going to deal with any rational approach by throwing another tantrum. If she insists on evidence of a security escort even after the OP has acceded to her demands to not travel alone the confrontation needs to be about the mother's behavior, not about some sort of logical proof regarding the safety of the trip. Even if the trip was actually a dangerous one this would not be acceptable behavior. If you're going to invest effort in a confrontation do not let her make it about the trip.

If Mom conducts some sort of surveillance to try to catch IndigoRain in a lie the thing to do is emphasize that the the goal was not to deceive but to prevent her from becoming a basket case - because she's definitely becoming a basket case! Worst case scenario, pay a cabbie a humongous wad of cash to pick up the friend while you drive your mother to a damn therapist - prove that your mother's welfare is the most important thing but deal with the root problem. Even make it group therapy so she can make complaints about your safety to a neutral third party, so she doesn't have to go into it alone. If your father has an anxiety disorder these notions and your frustration shouldn't be entirely unfamiliar to her.

By: XMLicious

XMLicious — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 05:28:19 -0800

Actually, come to think of it, that's it: if you're unable or unwilling to lie (which I could certainly understand) then fork over the cash for a cab ride, essentially pay for the privilege of not making the trip alone, for her sake. Then afterwards - drive Mom to a therapy appointment!

By: XMLicious

XMLicious — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 05:38:09 -0800

(In case it's not clear - I for one do not think that there are any pretty words you can say, at least not honest ones, that will make everything okay. You are going to have to climb the steep side of the mountain. Be strong and good luck.)

By: agentwills

agentwills — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 05:45:29 -0800

Try to remember that you living with her is a different issue from her anxiety. Just because you have worked out a living arrangement with her for the time being does not mean you also worked out an arrangement for managing her anxiety for her.

By: c lion

c lion — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 07:00:44 -0800

It wouldn't hurt to talk to your dad about this, too. He will probably see that your mom is being irrational and might be able to gently remind her that you are an adult and can take care of yourself.

By: Dasein

Dasein — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 08:10:43 -0800

As others have said, your mother clearly has emotional issues that have been around for a long time. You're not going to be able to solve those on your own, but you can become resentful if you let them prevent you from living a reasonable life. Reassure your mother that you'll stay in safe areas, but insist that you're a grown woman who can look after herself. If you change your behaviour in response to hers, it will only encourage it more in the future.

(Incidentally, regarding her concern about you driving when it's icy or snowy, if you live in an area where you experience winter, you should really invest in a pair of good pair of winter tires like the Yokohama Ice Guard IG20, Michelin X-Ice Xi2 or Bridgestone Blizzak WS-60. They'll keep you safe and keep your mother from worrying, and stop things like this from happening.)

By: EmpressCallipygos

EmpressCallipygos — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 09:10:48 -0800

You say that your father's fine about this -- could you perhaps appeal to him to have a long talk with your mother about how she needs to calm the hell down?

You may not be able to stop her from worrying. Parents worry. Mine are a little worried about a solo vacation I'm taking in February, and I'm 38. But -- the difference here is that instead of me just driving to the airport and my mother locking herself in her room for a good cry over that, I'm going to New Orleans during Mardi Gras and my mother has just asked me to promise her that I'm going to keep the name and number of a family friend with me in case I run into some kind of trouble while there.

The problem isn't that your mother is worrying, the problem is that the amount of worry she has is LIGHT YEARS beyond the point of sense. And perhaps your father could help get her to see this. He could very well have stayed out because he's used to it, but maybe your telling him that her degree of worry is really affecting you negatively and you need his help in reining her in would spur him to have a long talk with her about how she need to calm the hell down.

By: Zambrano

Zambrano — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 09:22:41 -0800

Hire a car service to pick up your friend. Everyone wins.

By: sonic meat machine

sonic meat machine — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 09:30:22 -0800

Having dealt with something similar, I found the best way to handle it was to refuse to "call if I arrive safely." I said, "I might forget. How about I call if something goes wrong, instead?"

By: Brockles

Brockles — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 10:02:47 -0800

Hire a car service to pick up your friend. Everyone wins.

No. Only her mum wins, in that scenario. She gets to control her daughter, who has to sit at home and be guilted into not living her life because it makes her mum irrationally controlling and panicky.

By: Brockles

Brockles — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 10:06:53 -0800

I found the best way to handle it was to refuse to "call if I arrive safely." I said, "I might forget. How about I call if something goes wrong, instead?"

I nearly posted a long example of how I had to do precisely that with my mum. I refused, point blank, to call when I got home from visiting her on the premise that a zillion innocent reasons (not least a flat cellphone battery) could prevent me from calling, and she'd just assume I was on fire in a ditch somewhere. It upset her at the time, but she got over it quickly. I had to be fairly adamant and come up with some pretty extensive scenarios as to how many different ways there were for preventing said 'peace of mind call' without being in any way harmful or worthy of worry.

It would have been better, and easier, if the OP had dealt with this the first time it happened, but it will only get worse (and harder to break) the longer this controlling and paranoid behaviour is tolerated.

By: desuetude

desuetude — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 11:22:23 -0800

My folks are like this. I spent my teenage years and college years just lying about where I was. I wasn't doing anything remotely dangerous, but the things that set them off were just too weirdly inconsistent. (Selective memory -- they now claim no recollection of some of their odder "rules" from my teenage years.)

When I was in my late-twenties I was on vacation with my mother and, being more of a night owl, told her I was going to pop downstairs to the cafe for about an hour. Hysterics. I am a terrible selfish daughter. (It is hard to convey how bizarre this was as an object of anxiety, considering my previous travels. Trust me.) Getting to the airport and flying across the country for business is fine, doing so because I want to take a vacation by myself is ZOMG! Even if more people will know where I am at any given time in the latter scenario than the former. Explaining flaws in this logic does no good at the time.

They have adapted, though, and have shifted the line at which get totally irrational. They can even enjoy stories of stuff that would've made them insane if they'd known at the time. They are impressed when they ask a few anxious questions and I can confidently recite all of my planning and forethought.

Talk to your dad. Appeal to his sense of reason and your concerns about your mom being upset, and how upsetting it is to you for her to make herself crazy, and flatter him for being rational here, and enlist his aid, since your mom is obviously not in any position to hear logic from you, and tell him you love them. (Adapt for the dynamic between you and your dad.) Your mom is acting like a child, and...well...conspire with your dad to assuage her fears. Yeah, it's a little condescending. But she's being terribly unfair, keeping you in the role of a child, chained to her moods. This isn't the hardest stand you're going to have to take before you move out.

(Move out! It gets so much easier! It helps that I live with my partner in our house -- they assume he is "taking care of me." He does, but not by suffocating me with anxiety!)

By: Carol Anne

Carol Anne — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 11:58:26 -0800

IANAD, but your mother sounds a lot like mine...and mine was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder not long before her death. Unfortunately, her emotional demands drove a wedge between my father and me. Work on your relationship with him; make him an ally. (And move out.)

By: IndigoRain

IndigoRain — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 12:29:21 -0800

Actually, it's Midway airport, but it's highway the whole way. I don't know how much help my dad will be... I told him and he just shrugged. They don't talk much - they have a lot of problems, and if my mom could do it financially, they'd be divorced.

Today she said, "Is there a reason she can't take a bus to somewhere where you can pick her up safely?" I didn't answer her.

To take the bus up and back to Midway to meet my friend, and to pay for a one-way ticket for her to come back from the airport, would cost around $70. Hiring a car would cost $135. I really can't afford either.

When we dropped her off at the airport a few weeks ago (yes, I let my mom go with, sigh) there were security and Chicago police everywhere. It reminded me a lot of South Bend's airport... small. It's not like it is O'Hare. Mom had no problem letting me go to the gate with my friend and walking back alone (they only allow one non-passenger get a gate pass), she even had some nice conversations with a couple of strangers while I was gone.

I am tempted to tell her she really needs to see a doctor, but I think she'll explode at me. Maybe after I come back safely.

By: puffin

puffin — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 13:18:02 -0800

I'm confused, is she most worried about traffic on the highway or safety around Midway?

I agree with all the above about how it is probably impossible console someone with irrational anxiety like this, and you can't let her anxiety control your life.

For what it's worth, I am 22 and female, and I drove to Midway by myself to drop off a rental car a couple months ago. I am still alive! I even wandered randomly around on 55th St for a good 10-20 minutes while waiting for a friend to pick me up.

By: IndigoRain

IndigoRain — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 13:58:36 -0800

Puffin, probably both.

By: melissam

melissam — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 05:15:21 -0800

My mom lets me wander around through Chicago, but being very very city and maybe crazy, she thinks camping is really dangerous. Once I made the mistake of telling her that I was going camping and I thought I'd never hear the end of it. I realized that crazy people are crazy and you should avoid telling them anything that you don't have to because they don't possess normal logic. So I go camping quite often and she actually seems fine when I send home pictures of me next to tents, but I don't tell her beforehand and I never bring the subject up.

By: peanut_mcgillicuty

peanut_mcgillicuty — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 08:25:33 -0800

Even if you move out, it will not get better until you put your foot down.

My mother did this to my sister and I over the summer, regarding some (very reasonable) driving plans we'd made. My sister, 25, lived in Europe for three years and is married (which elevates her to instant adult-hood in my mom's eyes, in most situations). I (27) have lived in New York City for almost five years. We haven't lived at home since we were teenagers. Regardless, my mom worried, nagged, guilt-tripped, and harangued us over our trip, printed out Google maps showing her ("better") route, bribed us with money for a hotel room so we wouldn't get too tired, and when we made the trip anyway, called us repeatedly on our cell phones with the same routines.

As I said, we went anyway, but the next time something like this comes up, I am sure she'll react in the same manner, and I dread dealing with it. I can't control her reaction to my decisions though--so the best I can do is make my own decisions, then tell her I'm not discussing it anymore. I like some of the advice upthread (like, "how 'bout I'll call you IF something happens, and not otherwise?") and I'm taking it, but you, IndigoRain, do need to learn that your mom's feelings and reactions aren't your own, and that they're not going to change regardless of where you live or what you do. What you need help learning is how to control your OWN reaction to her over-reaction.

I'm curious--what did you end up doing yesterday?

By: IndigoRain

IndigoRain — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 17:50:49 -0800

My dad came to me and said that she was taking this all out on him, so could I meet her halfway and let my friend ride the bus out here? She (friend) really wants someone to meet her at the airport, so I told my dad no, but I would be willing to ride the bus up there to meet her, if he'd pay. He agreed and hoped this would pacify my mom. This is the only compromise I was willing to make and even then, I told her to have a good day at work, and she said "yeah right." However, when I called to check in a few times from the bus, she sounded fine.

You know, the funny thing is that when I was 11, my babysitter forgot to tell me my mom had called to say she was grocery shopping after work, and there was a horrible winter storm. I panicked and cried and had no idea where she was. For about 3 years after that I would not let my mom go ANYWHERE without me, or I'd suffer severe panic attacks. (She did go to work, but if she was more than 10 minutes late getting home, I'd cry until she got home.) It drove my mom crazy and she would beg me to let her go out alone. I wish she could see that now I am in the same position, except it's not when I just go anywhere... it's only when the weather is bad, or when I'm going somewhere like Chicago. She does know about the incident with the babysitter and how much it upset me all that time.

Anyways, I have an appointment with a therapist in a couple of weeks. They can put me on their sliding scale for 4 months, so I hope I can make some progress in that time.

By: IndigoRain

IndigoRain — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 17:56:15 -0800

FWIW my friend thinks I should have just driven, but I did it as a favor to my dad, since he was being rational about it. And even though it was kind of a pain to have to wait for the bus, it was sort of nice not to have to drive and just be able to talk to my friend.

By: Macallister Vagabond

Macallister Vagabond — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 09:03:00 -0800

I slept in my car in Lincoln Park for six days straight and I made it out alive. You can't calm irrational fear, but perhaps this anecdote will do something.

By: halonine

halonine — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 18:30:37 -0800

I just wanted to chime in too... I take the bus! to Midway!

Good luck at the therapist's! I hope things get better.

By: peanut_mcgillicuty

peanut_mcgillicuty — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 15:51:04 -0800

Good luck with the therapist. Stick with it, even when it gets hard and uncomfortable. It's worth it!