Forgive me, I have trouble accepting apologies...
November 21, 2008 1:46 PM Subscribe
What's the most gracious, socially appropriate way the accept an apology? I typically get really embarrassed and overwhelmed and never say the right thing...
It's always a happy time when you receive an apology, but for me the situation is inevitably tinged with a feeling of painful awkwardness. The biggest problem is that I tend to start feeling bad for the apologizer and then go overboard absolving them of whatever offense it is they're apologizing for.
Do other people do this, too? Any advice for how to graciously accept without inadvertently giving the impression that the offense wasn't an offense? Do you thank the person for apologizing? Does anybody actually just say "apology accepted" and leave it at that?
It's always a happy time when you receive an apology, but for me the situation is inevitably tinged with a feeling of painful awkwardness. The biggest problem is that I tend to start feeling bad for the apologizer and then go overboard absolving them of whatever offense it is they're apologizing for.
Do other people do this, too? Any advice for how to graciously accept without inadvertently giving the impression that the offense wasn't an offense? Do you thank the person for apologizing? Does anybody actually just say "apology accepted" and leave it at that?
I think leaving it at "Apology accepted," is a completely reasonable thing to do, particularly if you're worried about going overboard when you get to feeling bad. I think I'd be more likely to look them in they eye and say, convincingly, "Okay." It sounds less formal than "Apology accepted." A small, closed-mouth smile is a good, non-verbal way of expressing the fact that you're not completely over everything, but you're ready to move on and work past whatever the mistake was that came between the two of you.
posted by PhatLobley at 1:52 PM on November 21, 2008
posted by PhatLobley at 1:52 PM on November 21, 2008
Dont say: oh that? just forget about it silly, come on you're embarrassing me.
Do say: You're right; I was offended and I thank you for apologizing / appreciate you rectifying / blah blah blah in a sincere / seriousish tone, and end the interaction if you need time to process the apology and get over the hard feelings.
posted by GleepGlop at 1:52 PM on November 21, 2008
Do say: You're right; I was offended and I thank you for apologizing / appreciate you rectifying / blah blah blah in a sincere / seriousish tone, and end the interaction if you need time to process the apology and get over the hard feelings.
posted by GleepGlop at 1:52 PM on November 21, 2008
Assuming it was a serious offense, I try to go with something like "I appreciate it", and then just move on. There's no point to dwelling on it, unless you don't think they actually mean it. And if they don't, then you're not gonna get much accomplished anyways.
posted by Lemurrhea at 1:55 PM on November 21, 2008
posted by Lemurrhea at 1:55 PM on November 21, 2008
"Thank you. I appreciate you saying so." The end, pause, genuinely change subject.
posted by Mrs Hilksom at 1:59 PM on November 21, 2008
posted by Mrs Hilksom at 1:59 PM on November 21, 2008
I texted an "apology accepted" two weeks ago. So yes, at least one person does this in real life. In some situations, you're given latitude about the awkwardness. I always find people receive compliments somewhat awkwardly, and they just say "thanks" but it's okay.
posted by philosophistry at 2:20 PM on November 21, 2008
posted by philosophistry at 2:20 PM on November 21, 2008
How about, assuming it's true, "I forgive you."? This has several benefits over simply "Thanks."
1) It recognizes that there has been a breach between you and meets the other person halfway in closing it. This affirms your relationship by shouldering the mutual hurt together rather than leaving it all on them.
2) It does not minimize the offense. If a person feels like they've done something to hurt you, they can be right or wrong. Sometimes there's just a misunderstanding: they think they've offended but they really haven't. If so, tell them that. But if they have actually hurt you in some way, telling them that they haven't fails to deal with that. Telling them "Yes, that was bad, but I won't hold it against you," recognizes the offense and moves past it rather than denying it happened.
3) It demonstrates you care about them. The only way someone can really hurt you is if you care about them enough for them to be in a position to do so, so telling them "It was nothing" can come off as "You mean nothing to me."
Obviously, these are all highly context and relationship-specific, but in general, forgiving someone is better for both of you than a simple acknowledgment. Frequently that's what people are looking for anyways.
posted by valkyryn at 2:51 PM on November 21, 2008
1) It recognizes that there has been a breach between you and meets the other person halfway in closing it. This affirms your relationship by shouldering the mutual hurt together rather than leaving it all on them.
2) It does not minimize the offense. If a person feels like they've done something to hurt you, they can be right or wrong. Sometimes there's just a misunderstanding: they think they've offended but they really haven't. If so, tell them that. But if they have actually hurt you in some way, telling them that they haven't fails to deal with that. Telling them "Yes, that was bad, but I won't hold it against you," recognizes the offense and moves past it rather than denying it happened.
3) It demonstrates you care about them. The only way someone can really hurt you is if you care about them enough for them to be in a position to do so, so telling them "It was nothing" can come off as "You mean nothing to me."
Obviously, these are all highly context and relationship-specific, but in general, forgiving someone is better for both of you than a simple acknowledgment. Frequently that's what people are looking for anyways.
posted by valkyryn at 2:51 PM on November 21, 2008
If it's about something silly or petty or which you're already "over," a simple "no worries" will suffice.
If it's about something real, that's been bugging you, and the apology seems sincere, then say, "Thanks," or its equivalent, and then just explain why you were offended/injured by whatever it is they're apologizing for. In general, if someone has gotten up the nerve to apologize for something big, what they're really saying is, "I want to talk about this." Leaving it at "thanks" sends a message that you are reserving the right to hold a grudge. Tell them why you were pissed, let them explain their side, and then find a way to bury the hatchet and be closer for having actually discussed the incident.
posted by Navelgazer at 3:38 PM on November 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
If it's about something real, that's been bugging you, and the apology seems sincere, then say, "Thanks," or its equivalent, and then just explain why you were offended/injured by whatever it is they're apologizing for. In general, if someone has gotten up the nerve to apologize for something big, what they're really saying is, "I want to talk about this." Leaving it at "thanks" sends a message that you are reserving the right to hold a grudge. Tell them why you were pissed, let them explain their side, and then find a way to bury the hatchet and be closer for having actually discussed the incident.
posted by Navelgazer at 3:38 PM on November 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
It's awkward for everyone, so don't believe you're special here. Depending on the graveness of the offense, everything from "no worries" to "Thank you, I'm glad you understand how that hurt me." is appropriate.
The important thing is to actually ACCEPT the apology on real terms, not just do it in a pro forma way that you never really take to heart. If you're not ready to "let it go", maybe you're not really ready to accept that apology yet.
posted by rokusan at 4:12 PM on November 21, 2008
The important thing is to actually ACCEPT the apology on real terms, not just do it in a pro forma way that you never really take to heart. If you're not ready to "let it go", maybe you're not really ready to accept that apology yet.
posted by rokusan at 4:12 PM on November 21, 2008
Depending on the situation, the options are:
1. "Thank you" (if you're not really in a forgiving mood but want to acknowledge the apology and move on)
2. "I forgive you" (if you really do forgive the offender and you think they'd feel better knowing so)
3. "I'm sorry too" (if applicable, in a mutually hurtful situation)
4. "No apology necessary" (if you truly don't feel that you've been wronged)
posted by amyms at 4:12 PM on November 21, 2008
1. "Thank you" (if you're not really in a forgiving mood but want to acknowledge the apology and move on)
2. "I forgive you" (if you really do forgive the offender and you think they'd feel better knowing so)
3. "I'm sorry too" (if applicable, in a mutually hurtful situation)
4. "No apology necessary" (if you truly don't feel that you've been wronged)
posted by amyms at 4:12 PM on November 21, 2008
If I really wasn't all that offended, I will end up totally absolving the apologizer. This is actually what happens with me most often because I really don't stay angry for longer than ten minutes unless you've like, lit my cat on fire or something.
In cases where I appreciate the apology, but don't want to infer total absolution, I stick with a mere "Oh, that's ok." Meaning, oh yeah, we're cool now. Saying "thankyou" feels weird to me, though I will bust it out when it is genuine.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:48 PM on November 21, 2008
In cases where I appreciate the apology, but don't want to infer total absolution, I stick with a mere "Oh, that's ok." Meaning, oh yeah, we're cool now. Saying "thankyou" feels weird to me, though I will bust it out when it is genuine.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:48 PM on November 21, 2008
I completely relate to your question.
I think "it's okay, let's not think about it any more" or "that's cool, let's put it behind us" are both nice, forgiving things to say.
posted by cranberrymonger at 6:37 PM on November 21, 2008
I think "it's okay, let's not think about it any more" or "that's cool, let's put it behind us" are both nice, forgiving things to say.
posted by cranberrymonger at 6:37 PM on November 21, 2008
I personally dislike "apology accepted" or "I forgive you"- I find they both indicate a status imbalance. To my ear, the passive voice of "apology accepted" is cold and standoffish; and "I forgive you" sounds condescending. Frankly, if I had my hat in my hands to apologize and got one of those in response, I'd be a tad offended.
The best way to accept a (genune*) apology is to be sincere- make eye contact, allow your eyes to be soft, and permit yourself to reveal a little of the vulnerability you felt, and the gladness you feel at this attempt to fix it- so the apologizer feels a human, real connection with you. What you say isn't as important as making it feel like you're a real person who feels better now that the apology has been stated. The person who apologizes will naturally tend to feel a little embarassed because apologizing lowers you, so now you should gently puff them up a bit in return. By no means should you brush off the offense- but sincerely acknowledging your part in the mistake, or at least praising their decency in apologizing- can go a long way.
I like some variant of, A, "thank you for aplogizing,"
combined with B, "I share the fault somewhat and I'm sorry too- and/or- I appreciate your decency in addressing this issue",
and capped with some type of C, "I'm glad we can go back to normal."
End it with D, non-verbal proof that you still like them.
So, for instance:
Formal (like to a company): "I appreciate your addressing this issue and the very fair compensation you've offered, and will look forward to returning to the restaurant in the future- thanks again."
Semi-formal (like to a co-worker): "I also felt badly that things went that way, and I'm really glad you mentioned it, so thanks. In future I think if we keep on doing XYZ this won't happen again- thanks for bringing it up." (then the proof: make a gentle joke about the situation (not about them!) or extend an offer of friendship like buying them a coffee to show it's all better.)
Informal (to a close friend): "I'm so glad we talked about this- it was bugging me and it's good to hear your side of it, I hated feeling weird around you! *hug*" (and then it's ok to change the subject, but be extra-nice & attentive to them for 10 minutes or so to smooth things over a bit.)
* None of this applies to obviously fake apologies, though. Sometimes I've been known to ask people if that was supposed to be an apology, or point out that they're not sorry they were jerks, they're just saying sorry so they can make it go away. Fake apologies are total bullshit and in most cases, I think they deserve to be frankly and simply called out. But if someone genuinely tries to apologize- even if it's awkward- I think you should go out of your way to graciously accept & make them not feel awkward about it, then, as in the examples above, make a gesture back that shows you still like them.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 7:01 PM on November 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
The best way to accept a (genune*) apology is to be sincere- make eye contact, allow your eyes to be soft, and permit yourself to reveal a little of the vulnerability you felt, and the gladness you feel at this attempt to fix it- so the apologizer feels a human, real connection with you. What you say isn't as important as making it feel like you're a real person who feels better now that the apology has been stated. The person who apologizes will naturally tend to feel a little embarassed because apologizing lowers you, so now you should gently puff them up a bit in return. By no means should you brush off the offense- but sincerely acknowledging your part in the mistake, or at least praising their decency in apologizing- can go a long way.
I like some variant of, A, "thank you for aplogizing,"
combined with B, "I share the fault somewhat and I'm sorry too- and/or- I appreciate your decency in addressing this issue",
and capped with some type of C, "I'm glad we can go back to normal."
End it with D, non-verbal proof that you still like them.
So, for instance:
Formal (like to a company): "I appreciate your addressing this issue and the very fair compensation you've offered, and will look forward to returning to the restaurant in the future- thanks again."
Semi-formal (like to a co-worker): "I also felt badly that things went that way, and I'm really glad you mentioned it, so thanks. In future I think if we keep on doing XYZ this won't happen again- thanks for bringing it up." (then the proof: make a gentle joke about the situation (not about them!) or extend an offer of friendship like buying them a coffee to show it's all better.)
Informal (to a close friend): "I'm so glad we talked about this- it was bugging me and it's good to hear your side of it, I hated feeling weird around you! *hug*" (and then it's ok to change the subject, but be extra-nice & attentive to them for 10 minutes or so to smooth things over a bit.)
* None of this applies to obviously fake apologies, though. Sometimes I've been known to ask people if that was supposed to be an apology, or point out that they're not sorry they were jerks, they're just saying sorry so they can make it go away. Fake apologies are total bullshit and in most cases, I think they deserve to be frankly and simply called out. But if someone genuinely tries to apologize- even if it's awkward- I think you should go out of your way to graciously accept & make them not feel awkward about it, then, as in the examples above, make a gesture back that shows you still like them.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 7:01 PM on November 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
The best way to mitigate the guilt of feeling bad for them is to say "Thanks, I appreciate the apology, and totally understand the situation." This eases things and takes out some of the formality, especially if you feel that they're being sincere.
posted by spiderskull at 1:01 AM on November 22, 2008
posted by spiderskull at 1:01 AM on November 22, 2008
I always find "apology accepted" rather ungracious - it's a bit of a slap in the face.
Also, seconding Gleegop's point. Pretending you weren't upset when you obviously were negates the effort it took for them to apologise to you, and is an insult to their intelligence.
I would go with a genuine "thank you, I appreciate that," a pause, and a subject change. (Or carrying on talking about it if you want/need to, but definitely not if you're just trying to prise more apologies out of them and make them feel as bad as possible.)
posted by badmoonrising at 3:50 AM on November 22, 2008
Also, seconding Gleegop's point. Pretending you weren't upset when you obviously were negates the effort it took for them to apologise to you, and is an insult to their intelligence.
I would go with a genuine "thank you, I appreciate that," a pause, and a subject change. (Or carrying on talking about it if you want/need to, but definitely not if you're just trying to prise more apologies out of them and make them feel as bad as possible.)
posted by badmoonrising at 3:50 AM on November 22, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by tristeza at 1:49 PM on November 21, 2008 [3 favorites]