Comments on: Touchy, touchy!

Question: Touchy, touchy!

coppermoss — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 10:47:01 -0800

I feel like I might be a closeted touchy-feely person. When I don't get frequent hugs/cuddles/human contact, I definitely feel the loss. Yet I find myself almost completely unable to initiate friendly contact with people unless we're intimately accquainted. How do I go about avoiding feeling physically isolated? Longer explanation, examples, etc. inside.

So, I'm recently single. My previous relationship was full of hugs and cuddles and lots and lots of physical contact, so I never craved touch. Prior to that, I was in an arts high school, where hugs were the standard greeting, and would often occur for no other reason than to express appreciation for something said in idle conversation. At the very beginning of college, before I met the ex, I felt very isolated and strange, and now it's happening again.

My roommate and I don't have a physical relationship, save the occasional hug when disaster strikes. His hugs barely qualify as such, since they're so flimsy. My best friend who is a good hugger is in Europe for the quarter. I'm making a bunch of new friends, and would like to make these relationships similarly touchy to the ones I had in high school, but run into some problems: I find myself almost entirely unable to initiate physical contact, and since all of these new friends are men, I don't want to give the wrong impression.

How do I fix this? How do I make touching people (and I'm talking anywhere from a high five to a hug) as unawkward as possible? I'm not looking to become one of those people who have no respect for others' personal space, but I'd like to do something to keep myself from feeling so isolated.

By: Solomon

Solomon — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 11:03:00 -0800

Google "cuddle parties".

By: charmcityblues

charmcityblues — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 11:06:37 -0800

I have a very similar desire / need for touch. I am also single and in college.

I found a few ways to get my human-contact quotient. First was making touchy-feely friends (I even "converted" some) but since I and most of these touchy friends are female, it might be a little harder for a man (as you mentioned).

Second, playing sports will get you some high-fives, some contact, some huddles, and maybe even a post-game hug. Plus, the endorphins produced during exercise will contribute to that same 'warm-and-happy' feeling.

Third, I joined a student organization (a co-ed service fraternity) that has an element of ritual, including standing in a circle joined at the shoulders and singing out song. Sounds very hokey, but it guarantees at least some contact and often dissolves into a hug-fest at the end. People in the group are generally very touchy anyway (maybe all that service?)

Finally, have you looked into massage? Expensive, but could be very worth it, and many colleges offer subsidized massage for students.

By: sephira

sephira — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 11:35:55 -0800

Wow you just described me. My last relationship was a five year long cuddle fest, and now, nada. Add to this that I don't like strangers touching me and I'm feeling you (heh, pardon the pun) on the whole "I want to be touched thing".

Nthing the "make touchy-feely friends" suggested by charmcityblues. What really helped me was I met a group of friends (mostly female) who were very touchy with each other - hugs hello, arm-in-arm walking, pats on the head when you're down, cheek kisses goodbye. Once my friendship with them was established, it helped alleviate the need quite a bit. It won't make it go away completely, but it does help to make you feel connected.

It's still going to feel weird in a way since there isn't a level of intimacy that you're normally used to in a relationship, but it's better than nothing.

By: Carol Anne

Carol Anne — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 11:35:59 -0800

Cat? Dog? Teddy bear?

By: emd3737

emd3737 — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 11:37:20 -0800

Get a snuggly pet!

By: desjardins

desjardins — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 11:39:14 -0800

Are you a woman? Make friends with gay guys. Many are unabashed about being cuddly with women, because there's no sexual attraction. There's shouldn't be any awkwardness on your part, because you're not misleading them into thinking there'll be something more.

When I was in college, I'd constantly hold hands, hug, and sit on the laps of my gay "boyfriends." I even slept in the same bed with some of them. I had no intention of finding a romantic relationship at the time, and their boyfriends, if they had one, didn't mind our snuggling. It seemed to give the single ones what they needed as well. I imagine being gay in a small town can be lonely.

Caveat: I do not mean you should use people for snuggling just because of their sexual orientation. I happened to have a lot of gay friends, and it happened to work out well for both parties.

By: phoenixy

phoenixy — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 11:43:38 -0800

Previously

By: nonane

nonane — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 12:15:02 -0800

Dance, dance, dance! Most universities have a swing dance club, folk dance of various kinds, salsa, etc., all with lessons and encouraging to newcomers. Cuts right through the awkward introduction part, since you've already got your arms around someone you might never have met before.

By: yohko

yohko — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 13:26:35 -0800

since all of these new friends are men, I don't want to give the wrong impression

Askme would probably be able to give better advice on avoiding the wrong impression if you would let us know what your gender is.

By: whoaali

whoaali — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 13:28:08 -0800

Make friends with Europeans and Latin Americans (as in from Latin American, not Latin + American, although that might work too). I'm being totally serious.

By: theora55

theora55 — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 13:28:34 -0800

I think that's why a lot of people have pets.

By: coppermoss

coppermoss — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 13:30:11 -0800

I'm female, and a pet isn't an option at the moment. Thanks, guys!

By: curagea

curagea — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 14:05:01 -0800

This is totally me, except that I never had a relationship, which makes craving for touch a quest for fulfilling curiosity than just satisfaction. And yes, like you, I have trouble initiating physical contact with non-intimately-acquainted people. Hell, I naturally scoot an inch away from people who sit down next to me, unconsciously. That's how awkward touch can be to me.

Anyways, cuddle parties are a great idea. You can also cuddle a friend's pet; don't need to own one. Heck, when you're saying goodbye, see ya later, to a friend, regardless of gender, just hug him, "Okay, see ya!", big smile. That should at least give you a nice brief moment of human warmth. Although I'm not sure if this is acceptable past college-age.

Also, people from different cultures approach touch differently. I've seen Middle Eastern guys give each other brotherly hugs and even pecks on the cheek, so check it out.

By: theKik

theKik — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 14:14:01 -0800

I second whoaali's suggestion. Mrs.Kik has the same desire/needs.
So when we moved to a Latin American country, she was thrilled, as the level
of touching/hugging here for regular activities is high!
(I find it a bit overwhelming) but I guess for you it might be perfect. Get some
mexican, chilean, colombian girlfriends.

By: PhoBWanKenobi

PhoBWanKenobi — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 14:52:14 -0800

Are you a woman? Make friends with gay guys.

Seconded.

By: PhoBWanKenobi

PhoBWanKenobi — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 14:54:40 -0800

Oh, also, I've shaved my head a couple times (mohawk, sides crew-cut length) and that's invited a lot of head rubs.

By: anitanita

anitanita — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 19:48:14 -0800

anitanita's boyfriend contributes:

I agree wholeheartedly with nonane's comment above about social dance. All social dance (whether it be swing, salsa, tango, or whatever) creates a safe space for contact in which the rules for asking and agreeing to the embrace are somewhat agreed upon. Personally, I am partial to argentine tango (important note: NOT ballroom tango, which is totally different) - argentine tango has its roots in African and Italian traditions which result in a dance that is very close and danced very well, becomes a kind of walking embrace. A continual hug, if you will, in which both partners are free to modulate hugging distance however they want to. Almost every large city in the U.S. has an argentine tango community, it's there if you look. Good luck. Have fun. Happy hugging.

By: Nixie Pixel

Nixie Pixel — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 20:27:47 -0800

Don't underestimate the idea of being upfront with your male friends. "I love hugging my friends, are you ok with that?"

I doubt you will get a negative response, and this sets the expectation up front (i.e. "This doesn't mean we're hopping into bed together!")

By: nebulawindphone

nebulawindphone — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 07:07:41 -0800

My immediate social circle is pretty huggy. The rest of the world, less so. A few friends of mine, when they meet someone new, just ask — "Hug or handshake?" or "Are you a hugging person or a non-hugging person?" or something like that. Ask it casually, the same way you'd ask for any other social preference ("Do you go by Christopher or Chris?" "You wanna get coffee or beer or what?") and abide by the preference people express, and you'll start finding that at least some people ask for hugs, and at least some of those are really good huggers.

And I'll second social dancing. Lots of friendly but non-sexual touch there. Ballroom and tango are touchier than swing, and just as common on college campuses as far as I can tell. In my experience contra dancers are especially huggy, but most places the contra community is pretty middle-aged, so they might not be what you're looking for.

By: yohko

yohko — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 09:48:25 -0800

Well, it´s a lot easier to ¨not give the wrong impression¨ if you start off giving hugs to men when you are in a group of other people, especially if there are two or more friends of yours that you can hug. You can also say ¨I´m so glad we´re friends! Can I give you a hug?¨ Another way to start in with hugs is to do a half hug with one arm around someone´s shoulders, similar to how you might pose for a photo.

You should keep your hands higher up on the other person´s back, closer to the shoulders than the waist, and avoid moving your lower body closer to theirs during the hug.

If this is all too much and you want to start off with a very small bit of touching that has nearly no chance of being mistaken for something else, you can do fist bumps when you are departing.

By: syntheticfaith

syntheticfaith — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 11:38:56 -0800

I am not a touchy person, but huggers always trick me with the handshake->draw forward->one armed hug move. It's like the judo of touchy-feely. And then once there, it's really not so bad. After a few times, my pavlovian response is to move in for the hug instead of the handshake.

Also, to "not give the wrong impression" just talk through the hug. "Hey *hug* so good to see you *release* new glasses?". As long as you don't breathe that into their ear, the dual stimuli disrupt whatever receptors are in use during long drawn out silent hugs.