casual sex filter: ejaculation without orgasm?

November 17, 2008 4:45 PM

casualsexfilter: ejaculation without orgasm?

I have been having casual, no strings attached sex with a good friend of many years. We'd dated years ago, and it didn't work out, but since we both recently became single and moved to the same city (he's here temporarily), we've been flirting a lot for a few months, but have have only recently done the deed.

Every time (4 times now), we have great, extended foreplay, but then he winds up coming really quickly, without a lot of pleasure on his part, almost like ejaculation without orgasm. He says he's not sure why this is, and seems a little frustrated. It usually happens when we change positions.

We're both safely sexually active beyond our friendship. I know that he doesn't have this problem with other women (we live in a pretty sex-positive community and I know one of his other partners well), and he definitely didn't with me in the past. I have to admit that this makes me a little insecure. I mean, we're just friends, but I want to be to blow his mind, otherwise, what's the point? It actually kind of makes me a little insecure. Like, in terms of sex, is he just not that into me?

Any insight as to what might be causing this? We talk really openly but it seems like he's at a loss, too.

posted by anonymous to human relations (14 comments total)

I'm at work at the moment so I can't link you directly to it but there's an article on Wikipedia called 'Precum' which re-directs uou to the 'Pre-ejaculate' article.

The page describes that some men can produce a lot of precum during foreplay, some so much so that it would "soak through [one man's] pants." This is what you're describing sounds like to me; ejaculation without an orgasm. If that's what this is, then you should totally take it as a compliment, especially if it dosen't happen with other women he's been with.
posted by Effigy2000 at 5:03 PM on November 17, 2008

Effigy2000's theory I think would only work if he is able to continue and come again later. Is this happening, or is what happens during foreplay a definite orgasm that he's not really able to continue after?
posted by piratebowling at 5:21 PM on November 17, 2008

Effigy2000's hypothesis doesn't make sense to me. There is a marked difference between pre-cum and ejaculate: in smell, taste, and consistency. Your friend should know which has happened.

Are you engaging in any ass play (with his ass, that is)? Pressure on a man's prostate can, in some cases, cause ejaculation without orgasm. When done on purpose, this is called "milking." (I'll leave that for you to google.)

If he wasn't that into you, he wouldn't be having sex with you. Guys don't have casual sex four times with women they don't find attractive. I guarantee you 1000% this has nothing to do with his attraction to you.
posted by desjardins at 5:24 PM on November 17, 2008

Previously. The term for this condition is "sexual anhedonia".

And I feel the need to add the comment, "Not a problem I have experience with personally. I'm just remembering something I read."
posted by mosk at 5:31 PM on November 17, 2008

There are people out there who strive to accomplish this very same thing. If you're curious, you can search around in the dark and nebulous world of BDSM for terms such as 'milking' and 'male chastity'.

Cliff Notes version: it hinges on applying just enough stimulation to start the ejaculation reflex and then stopping so that the orgasm doesn't, for lack of a better term, 'follow through'.

So, perhaps your great and extended foreplay is exciting him too much. Then, during intercourse, he feels the edge of orgasm coming and ends up stopping too late.

Maybe a (longer?) cooling-off period between the foreplay and intercourse would help.
posted by CKmtl at 5:33 PM on November 17, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Sounds like the foreplay is getting him too turned on, and he's having trouble stopping the physical reaction to that much stimulation; fairly normal recipe for premature ejaculation. He isn't experiencing a full-body orgasm because he's mentally trying to stop the out-of-control physical process; his frustration is probably at his own lack of control, inability to complete the task at hand and perhaps perceived disappointment on your part.

Less stimulation "down there" or slowing things down might help, and if/when it does happen again take it in stride, tell him it's ok and don't stop whatever you were doing (though you'll probably need to switch gears). In my experience, the session is not necessarily a lost cause, as the mental build-up is still there waiting to be rekindled and released (provided you can bring the physical elements back on-line). Lastly, you shouldn't take this issue as anything but a complement; you're getting him so hot that he looses bodily control! That's a plus in my book.
posted by bizwank at 5:54 PM on November 17, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I've had this happen a couple of times; I think it's pretty normal, but not something I'd want happening often. It has happened to me when, for example, the first time having sex after a long dry-spell.

My guess is that you need to either speed things up or slow things down -- you are bringing him (with all the foreplay) right up to the edge of coming and then the change in position trips the trigger, without going quite far enough as to have a full-on orgasm.

So my suggestion is to take a slightly different path next time you are getting it on. Maybe less foreplay for him (he can spend ages focused on you, and you give attention to his penis only right before you have intercourse)? Or set aside a bit more time, have him come fairly quickly (from intercourse, or oral, or manual stimulation, whatever you guys prefer) and then a long period of foreplay for you, and then intercourse when he's ready for a second go-round.

Like bizwank says, this is a good thing, really, in that it suggests that he is getting totally turned on, but at the same time it can be really frustrating to experience.
posted by Forktine at 6:06 PM on November 17, 2008

It actually kind of makes me a little insecure. Like, in terms of sex, is he just not that into me?

Look at it from the level of facts on the ground. Has he made any statement regarding him not being into you causing this problem?




I thought not. So let's find out where the idea that you are responsible for his sexual issues comes from. There's only one other person involved in the situation.

Now, how to deal with it? I'll bet you feel bad when it happens and at times during each day. Everytime that happens, go logical. Ask yourself--what evidence do I have that I am the cause. I'm confident the answer will be no everytime. Don't think about the big issues when you get the bad feeling, just ask yourself if it is supported by facts.

I mean, we're just friends, but I want to be to blow his mind, otherwise, what's the point?

Well, you get to decide what the point is. Right now, without really being aware of it, you are saying that the point of sex with a man is blowing his mind. If his mind was not blown, you have not reached the goal of sex. When you make that choice the pluses are that guys will be highly motivated to be with you and you will feel sexy. The downside is that men are human beings, just like women. Sometimes psychological or physiological problems will make it difficult for them to enjoy sex as they would like. When that happens, your value system makes that encounter a failure.

So, if you'd like to change that choice too, what can you do? Think logically. Have you ever not been able to enjoy sex as you would like? The answer certainly must be yes? Was it the guys fault? Certainly almost never. So why is it your fault and not his?
posted by Ironmouth at 6:19 PM on November 17, 2008

It usually happens when we change positions.

The advice that comes to mind is the same as what the doctor told the patient when the patient said, "it hurts when I move my arm like this." (Then don't do that.) If sex makes him nervous, and you want to blow his mind, skip penetrative intercourse for a night and have fun in other ways.
posted by Bookhouse at 6:58 PM on November 17, 2008

if he were "just not that into you" he'd probibly have the opposite problem, taking too long or not keeping it up. if anything an early release means he's totally into you.
posted by swbarrett at 7:48 PM on November 17, 2008

OK, the thing is that usually in men orgasm and ejaculation are simultaneous, but that association can be disrupted. My bet is that he's actually trying hard not to come early, straining and tense, and so the ejaculation happens with the extra stimulation as you manoeuvre into a new position, but things aren't "right" for him to get a good orgasm. Sometimes just continuing doing whatever you were doing will enable the orgasm part a few seconds or a minute later.

If you keep having sex with each other, and you don't make a big deal about it, this will probably just sort itself out.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 7:57 PM on November 17, 2008

Yeah, this is pretty normal when trying to "relax, don't do it" as Franky would say, but things having gone a bit too far. The subsequent refractory period is unusually short, so just cuddling and starting things up again in a bit is an easy fix. Ideally foreplay ends with both partners looking at roughly the same amount of time to climax. Experiment accordingly.
posted by Manjusri at 9:13 PM on November 17, 2008

Yeah, it's too much foreplay. If you're actually having intercourse try switching in a few quickies just to see if that changes things.
posted by Deathalicious at 10:27 PM on November 17, 2008

I concur with the thoughts above: He's *too into* you not *he's not into you enough*.
posted by zpousman at 8:36 AM on November 18, 2008