How do you make awful news make sense to a toddler?

November 16, 2008 3:40 PM

How do you tell a three year old that they won't be having a baby brother after all?

Complications arose with a pregnancy. Our three year old still walks around saying "mommy has a baby in her belly" to many strangers. This just happened and we haven't broken the news to the three year old yet, because we literally have no idea where to start explaining it.

How do you put something like this in terms a three year old would understand?

posted by anonymous to human relations (8 comments total)

I am so sorry for for your loss. There are a couple of well-known picture books--one more secular/humanist and one more spiritual. The spiritual one is Pat Schwiebert's and Taylor Bills' We Were Gonna Have a Baby, But We Had an Angel Instead (I know, not a great title) and the other is Molly's Rosebush, by Janice Cohn and Gail Owens. Families I've talked to about this time have used both to good success, and found that a picture book helps introduce the topic in a natural and neutral way that invites any questions your little one may have without suggesting anything you're not sure he/she's ready for.

Be prepared for your kiddo to also spread this new news to anyone who will listen, as well--this can be just as painful and disconcerting as misunderstandings spread by your tiny herald. Also, in the experiences shared with me, there is often a need for your child to want additional loving and reassurance and there may be a bit of regression--all normal ways a small child expresses his/her own sense of loss.

Ask your doctor or local parent's group what resources are available to your family (the families I've mentioned here were part of a group I volunteered for--I was a peer mentor in a loss group)--it can be helpful, even just a few times, to hear what other families have done or been through.

And the fact that you're concerned about making this understandable and gentle for your child means that you're going to do just fine, and that he/she will be OK. My heart goes out to all of you, keep taking such good care of each other.
posted by rumposinc at 4:13 PM on November 16, 2008 [1 favorite]

I had a miscarriage when my kids were 6 and 8 and they took, "I'm not pregnant anymore." surprisingly well. I thought I would have to explain much more, but they really didn't ask more about it. When I was little, my mother had a miscarriage, as well, and I remember that she just told me that she wasn't pregnant anymore and I just took that at face value and didn't worry about it much. Being pregnant is pretty abstract for kids, I think, so being not pregnant isn't much more to take in.

Take care of yourself, your three year old will be fine.
posted by artychoke at 4:19 PM on November 16, 2008

Three year olds are really good at picking up on your emotions. She probably understands that you're sad about something, even if you haven't talked about it explicitly. If you explain to her that mommy's not going to be having a baby like she thought - use whatever language you used to explain the baby to her, only, y'know in reverse - i.e. "Mommy's baby isn't able to grow a baby right now."

She may ask questions. Answer them honestly. It may take her a few days to get it, but I wouldn't worry about it troubling her too much. Three year olds are notoriously self-centered (I mean, duh, they just discovered their own autonomy - everyone else is a secondary concern) which in this case is a good thing. A potential sibling is a pretty abstract concept, so the absence of said sibling won't really be any harder to understand than its presence.

Good luck, and so much love and empathy for your loss.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:26 PM on November 16, 2008

Here's a heart-breaking post from a woman who had a blighted ovum, explaining it to her three-year-old daughter. I think she handled it very well -- I think that's how I would have wanted to handle it -- but in a post several weeks later she noted that her daughter had to have it explained several times before she really got it.
posted by Jeanne at 4:28 PM on November 16, 2008

Mom isn't going to have the baby any more. Her body got too tired. It's better now, though. I am so glad I have you here! Give me a hug. Aww, thanks! Let's go play with your blocks.

Oh, and prepare to repeat yourself over and over. If you don't want to talk about it, distraction is always a good tactic.
posted by sondrialiac at 5:50 PM on November 16, 2008

Our version of this was an adoption match that fell through when our kids were 5 and 3. We just told the kids the bare bones of the truth: that the birthmom changed her mind and the baby wouldn't be part of our family after all. I'd guess that some version of that would be fine for your 3-year-old, too: "Mom's not pregnant anymore." Start with the most basic version, and add info, as you're comfortable, in response to questions from your 3-year-old. She may be very curious and want a lot of information ("Why not? What happened to the baby? How did the baby get out?") or she may just be like, "Oh, OK." Kids vary; some would be very comfortable with, "We didn't know it before, but the baby was very sick and died" would be great for some kids, but scary for others.

Don't think you have to figure it out all at once. It's OK to say in response questions you're not sure how to answer, "I'm not sure how to answer that, but I'll think about it for awhile and we'll talk some more."

I'm very sorry for your loss.
posted by not that girl at 6:29 PM on November 16, 2008

My mom had a miscarriage when I was three, and I still remember parts of it. I remember more of my early childhood than many people do, so I can at least tell you what I felt.

I was the oldest child, and still very young, so I didnt really understand it when my parents told me that I was going to have a new baby brother or sister. When my mother miscarried, they told me that my little brother went to heaven instead of coming to earth. That was enough for me. I'm sure I asked difficult questions, but I accepted it because it was way over my head. Mommies get pregnant. Some babies come to earth, and others go to heaven.

Mostly, I remember my mother's sadness. Miscarriage is probably too big a concept for your toddler to grasp. Don't spend too much time on it - focus more on the sadness. Let her know that she's not the one who's making you sad. That's enough. When she's old enough, you can explain more.

I'm very sorry for your loss.
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 7:03 PM on November 16, 2008

I would explain it more in terms of you not being pregnant anymore rather than a baby going to heaven. Then you are able to cut death and all the emotional weight out of it. I remember being told when I was 6 that my mother had had a baby born still born before I was born and being a little disturbed by it. I really don't want to over dramatize it because it isn't some horrible childhood memory for me at all, but I remember feeling kind of weird that I had sibling who was dead and I would never know. I think this was made worse because I was told the sex of the baby and what the baby's name would have been. I would avoid going putting it in terms of death, but rather that you at not pregnant anymore so there won't be a baby coming anymore. Sort of a fine distinction, but I think one that makes it a simple fact and not something sad and upsetting (for your 3 year old, not for you obviously). Don't put it in terms of "losing" or "dying" just you aren't pregnant anymore and since you aren't pregnant anymore there won't be a baby in X months.
posted by whoaali at 9:38 PM on November 16, 2008