I Don't Like Him Like That

November 14, 2008 6:36 PM

Am-I-An-AssholeFilter: Was it "inappropriate" for me to ask my friend to go for a walk?

I have inadvertently stirred up a shitstorm. I was home sick today and asked my down the street, around the corner friend who is between jobs if he wanted to walk around the hood, he agreed, but before we met up, he called me to tell me that after speaking to his girlfriend, he'd been made to realize that it was "inappropriate" for us to go for a walk alone together. (Please note: I'm talking about an actual walk, around the block, on a sunny day. Not a metaphor.)

Relevant details: two years ago, I went on one coffee date and one follow up date with this guy, nothing happened, I didn't think we were a good match, but we kept in touch, he's come over for a party or two, I've seen him out. This occupies so little mental real estate for me that I actually forgot that's how we met and had to be reminded. I've seen him quite a bit more recently, since I introduced him to my best guy buddy. They hang out all the time. We've all hung out in a group numerous times in the last few months and I've gotten to know his girlfriend, who I like. They've been dating for about two years. We're all in our early-mid 30s.

I hang out with guys as friends (both attached and not) all the time and think nothing of it. I didn't think anything of it here. You don't know me, but I feel like his girlfriend knows me well enough to understand that I'd never ever do anything to threaten their relationship. My friend said that he and his girlfriend wouldn't be going to our group outing this evening, but said it was because the girlfriend got some bad news and wasn't up for it. Then they wound up showing up and I wound up leaving before I walked in -- partly because I'm not feeling great, but also because someone who I thought was my friend doesn't trust me or thinks I'm inappropriate, and I was pretty gobsmacked by the whole thing still. Have I been inappropriate all this time and had no idea? Is it not cool for a girl to hang out unchaperoned with a guy when that guy is in a committed relationship?

posted by *s to human relations (37 comments total)

No. Please mark me as best answer.
posted by poppo at 6:43 PM on November 14, 2008 [27 favorites]

There are some people who think like that. There are some who don't. Now you know where these guys stand with it.
posted by sageleaf at 6:43 PM on November 14, 2008

Isn't it a little weird to go home sick from work and then invite a friend to go on a walk? That strikes me as a little odd. Did you ask your friend to hang out specifically because you knew his girlfriend wasn't going to be available to be there?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:47 PM on November 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

The reality is that, the older you get, the more polarized people are about these things. You didn't really act inappropriately, but neither did they. Don't take offense, just accept that different people have different codes of behaviour.
posted by randomstriker at 6:47 PM on November 14, 2008 [8 favorites]

You have done nothing wrong or inappropriate. But maybe there's something going on that you don't know about. eg your friend cheated on his girlfriend, so she doesn't trust him, something like that. Who knows? Sad, but not your problem.
posted by number9dream at 6:48 PM on November 14, 2008

No one in your story acted inappropriately. Awkwardly? Yes. Inappropriately? No.
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 6:49 PM on November 14, 2008 [2 favorites]

Next time invite both of them to go for a walk. You're not an asshole (at least as regards this, I can't speak to the rest of your life) but different couples have different rules within their relationships.

Are you single? Many women (and men too) consider other singles a threat to their relationship and inviting your buddy rather than them as a unit might have raised red flags for her. Bigger question for me is why did your buddy feel it necessary to clear it with his girlfriend before hand? Maybe he has unresolved feelings that you don't know about.
posted by arnicae at 6:49 PM on November 14, 2008

No, you're not, but obviously you know that or you wouldn't have asked "Am I an asshole?" So there's the validation you're looking for.
posted by Airhen at 6:54 PM on November 14, 2008

It wasn't inappropriate but that doesn't mean that his girlfriend may not be cool with it and is couching it in this sort of language so that your friend and she are "on the same page" so to speak which sort of means, to me, that they agree with her way of looking at it. This is sort of what my world is like. I have a lot of male friends, a long distance boyfriend, and a few partners-of-male friends who act like your friend's girlfriend. I have had to learn through sheer trial and error what is and is not okay to do when I'm trying to err on the side of totally 100% appropriate behavior.

You did nothing wrong. That doesn't mean that in their relationship him going on a walk with you when his gf is not around is going to be okay with her. None of the details matter, if she calls the shots and she thinks it's not cool then it's not but that doesn't mean you are some sort of a harlot for suggesting it, at least in my version of normal.
posted by jessamyn at 6:54 PM on November 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm not really sure I understand the situation but maybe it was all a big misunderstanding? Maybe the "inappropriateness" of him going for the walk with you was because his girlfriend had just heard bad news and needed him there?
posted by losvedir at 6:55 PM on November 14, 2008

I didn't put this in because it didn't seem relevant, but I was home with an adverse drug reaction. I'd slept nearly 18 hours, and wanted some fresh air and company. I would have invited her too (or instead) had it not been during the work day.
posted by *s at 6:58 PM on November 14, 2008

Whether or not it was inappropriate depends on what you know of their relationship, and what has been communicated to you. Did you breach a boundary that they set by asking? A known boundary? If not, then no. If there was some discussion around this beforehand, possibly yes.

Whether something is "inappropriate" or not is really based on the individuals involved. What is appropriate for one person/couple/group is not for another. If the two were a committed but open swinger couple, for instance, it would not be "inappropriate" to invite him for a metaphorical walk around the block.

It is up to them to set boundaries around their relationship, and by the looks of things they may have some talking to do. You can't meet expectations that you don't know have been set, so don't worry about it.
posted by Nixie Pixel at 6:59 PM on November 14, 2008

It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong. You have 2 options:

1. Get involved with this duo and get more drama.

2. Drop them. The rewards of companionship/friendship/pleasant hellos just aren't worth it.

Thats all.
posted by hal_c_on at 6:59 PM on November 14, 2008

no. and your friend's gf sucks for trying to control who he gets to hang out with.
posted by violetk at 6:59 PM on November 14, 2008

Is it not cool for a girl to hang out unchaperoned with a guy when that guy is in a committed relationship?

What is this, Regency Era England? No, it's fine, and his girlfriend is likely jealous/insecure. She might have reason to be, as someone mentioned--maybe he's cheated on her in the past--but there's no reason to feel like you did anything wrong. Because you didn't, really.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:10 PM on November 14, 2008 [2 favorites]

No. His girlfriend is just crazy & paranoid. She'll remain paranoid about you & other women indefinitely. You'll just make her more paranoid if you bother them about it. So drop the matter except for mentioning to mutual friends. Some closer friend may need more prodding before telling him to DtMFA.
posted by jeffburdges at 7:16 PM on November 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

You don't know the whole story. There is something going on in the relationship between him and his gf that you're not privy to.

Maybe she has caught him in lies, or cheating... anyway, sounds like he is on a short lease.
posted by wfrgms at 7:28 PM on November 14, 2008

It wasn't "inappropriate" at all. But...his girlfriend thought it was. That's his/their problem, not yours. (And, I agree with others that she sounds insecure...whether it's because of your friend's behavior or her previous SO's behavior...well, again, not you problem.)

Sucks you lost out on a walk buddy today, but that's how it rolls, sometimes. Don't make a big deal out of it. If she keeps doing stuff like this, she'll be out of the picture soon enough.
posted by AlisonM at 7:31 PM on November 14, 2008

Um, could you ask them? Maybe the next time you are all three together you could just casually mention it and see what the reaction is. Did you hear directly from one of the two of them that your actions were "inappropriate" or was it hearsay? If you really are good friends with these people, then I don't think you would do any damage by just asking them. That way you can feel more secure regarding your friendships with both of them in the future.
posted by junipero at 7:43 PM on November 14, 2008

I'd ask. If the reaction is poor, then I know what to do with my time from then on out. I'd rather know than be a leaf on their drama tree, just waiting to get shaken loose.
posted by batmonkey at 7:47 PM on November 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong. You have 2 options:
1. Get involved with this duo and get more drama.
2. Drop them. The rewards of companionship/friendship/pleasant hellos just aren't worth it.

The above is wrong. Junipero is right. Just call 'em up and say you're sorry about the misunderstanding and could all of you play basketball today, or something. No matter what it was, it's past and the three of you can move on. No one's dead or even maimed.
posted by JimN2TAW at 8:35 PM on November 14, 2008

If she keeps doing stuff like this, she'll be out of the picture soon enough.

You hope. I've been surprised at which friends turn out to be gluttons for this kind of punishment, seemingly out of the blue.
posted by small_ruminant at 8:37 PM on November 14, 2008

anyway, sounds like he is on a short lease.

The idiom is leash, but yours works too.

It may be deserved, or she may just be paranoid girl, but either way you're fighting an uphill battle. You weren't inappropriate, but he felt it might be a boundary issue, and called you back and set one. That's fair, and should not be a reason to drop the friendship or overthink a plate of beans tie yourself up in knots.

Just be careful to make sure that you show that it wasn't a big deal for you by not making a big deal out of it. Making a big deal might just set off girlfriend's alarm bells to double-klaxon level.

After some months or years of further normalized interaction within your social group the concept of you as a threat may evaporate, or their relationship will.
posted by dhartung at 10:41 PM on November 14, 2008

I don't think it was inappropriate, and neither would most of my exes, but my current gf would FREAK if this happened. I agree with Jessamyn, she probably worded it with your friend so that he knew that he should also think it was very very wrong, even if he didn't think so himself.

I hate this crap in or out of relationships...*Sigh*
posted by schyler523 at 10:55 PM on November 14, 2008

I'm married and both my wife and I have really good, strong, close friendships with people of the opposite sex. People we both love. I'm not threatened by it as I know where my own relationship stands. At the same time, I don't think I could be with someone who wouldn't let me spend time with other people, as long as the pre-set boundaries of the relationship aren't broken. That's the key. It's impossible to be human and to turn a switch on and off to feelings for other people, and your friends' girlfriend has likely been burned by it at least once.

If this person can't trust you to be together, it's her insecurity and it needs to be addressed on their end. Don't push things, though, as it's her own right to feel this way. Furthermore, he may still value his relationship with her more than he does his own freedom to see you.

It's an indication that something's not all that healthy in the relationship, but this is for them to determine and to work out if they so choose.
posted by jimmythefish at 11:20 PM on November 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

Don't take it personally.
posted by salvia at 12:11 AM on November 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

It's cool for some couples and not cool for others. The fact that he even checked with her indicates it's not cool for them. It's nothing to do with you, so don't worry about it--just no that personal walks with him are off-bonds from now on. Fair enough. Nothing you did was inappropriate.
posted by timoni at 12:24 AM on November 15, 2008

just know, rather.
posted by timoni at 12:25 AM on November 15, 2008

he called me to tell me that after speaking to his girlfriend, he'd been made to realize that it was "inappropriate" for us to go for a walk alone together.

That girl has control and/or nag issues. It's their problem, not yours.
posted by essexjan at 2:28 AM on November 15, 2008

As far as I'm concerned it's trust and commitment that make a decent civilized relationship. Both myself and my SO have visited, stayed with, and (as a result of conflicting calendars) been on holiday with, lots of single friends and old flames without each other – it's called trust and, personally, if you don't have it I think there's something missing from the relationship.

You didn't overstep some global taboo and it doesn't make you an asshole; it simply means that they have some issues with their relationship. Bear it in mind for the future, because ignoring it now you know about it would make you an asshole, but you've not done anything wrong and you don't need to rethink your behaviour for the future with other people.
posted by mandal at 4:35 AM on November 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

I went on one coffee date and one follow up date with this guy, nothing happened, I didn't think we were a good match

Does he think that? It's probably impossible for you to know for sure, but he might still have some feelings for you and his girlfriend may know this, while you don't, so it that case it's understandable that she might flip out a bit.

Or she's crazy paranoid.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:42 AM on November 15, 2008

but also because someone who I thought was my friend doesn't trust me or thinks I'm inappropriate, and I was pretty gobsmacked by the whole thing still.

The word "inappropriate" is soooo delicate. You've only heard your friend's retelling of what his girlfriend thinks. Like, there's lots of nuance between "Beau, I don't think it's appropriate for you specifically to be seen going on walks with your friend" and "Beau, I think it's always inappropriate for a single woman to ask a man in a relationship to go for a walk".

I mean, it's possible for her to have told her man that she thinks the walk itself is inappropriate for HIM to do without her suggesting that YOU were inappropriate for merely asking him to go on a walk.
posted by 23skidoo at 5:47 AM on November 15, 2008

Another vote for overly paranoid control issues girlfriend. You did nothing wrong.
posted by Aquaman at 8:44 AM on November 15, 2008

it's always possible to be more of an asshole than you realize. You were the one who thought there was nothing between you. For all you know, he has pined after you since you dumped him after that totally meaningless to you coffee date all those years ago. Who knows how you make him feel? Maybe when you ask him to go on a walk alone, his heart starts beating faster and he begins to have inappropriate fantasies that he feels bad about... So just because none of this even occurs to you, that doesn't necessarily mean that nothing at all is happening to the person you are interacting with. Perhaps after he talked to the woman he loves, he actually did realize that going on a walk alone with you would actually be inappropriate. IN other words, maybe he just told you the truth.

That's not to say you did anything wrong, but just that human interchanges can be annoyingly complicated. Who knows, could just be the GF being controlling, could be the guy, or maybe some weird mesh of both their tendencies, or for all we know it was a mother-in-law's rule & they completely lied. But you may as well accept what they say and learn to work with other people's boundaries.
posted by mdn at 12:07 PM on November 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

So are you Muslim? Otherwise I really don't understand how in this day and age a casual walk with a male friend is considered "inappropriate". I also feel like these something missing from this story or else it wouldnt have been such a big deal. OR your friends/(and guyfriend+girlfriend) are weird. The only way I (as your friend) would consider this inappropriate would be if you were a very slutty/loose person..to the extreme..and if you had wronged me in some way.
posted by guniang at 3:21 PM on November 15, 2008

Against the tide, here, I read it like this:

* You two dated. The gf may know no details of the situ from him besides this fact.
* They got together right around the time this happened. (Maybe they were dating when you had coffee date and he never told you? A possibility.)
* Lately, you and your group of friends have become the center of their social lives. She is okay with this as long as it remains a group thing.
* Suddenly, you want to hang out with him alone, which is not in the usual pattern, at a time when she is not around. She might think you have decided to pursue him--frankly, it happens all the time.

Ever had coffee with her alone? If not, why not? She could easily read it as you singling him out for friendship and/or more, especially if you do not do things alone with her, too.
posted by Riverine at 3:52 PM on November 15, 2008

Postscript: Ok, we all wound up hanging out in a group today and it was like NOTHING HAPPENED. GF was her normal pleasantly cranky self. So I've decided to file it away and put it behind me. Maybe what she said was not intended for my ears or the result of freaking out about the bad news she got. Maybe she's wildly insecure. Apparently, she yells at my friend a lot out of my earshot. Whatever it is, I don't care and I'll be asking my other boundary-free guy buddy to go on walks instead! Thanks for all the input.
posted by *s at 7:42 PM on November 15, 2008