Do I respond?

November 13, 2008 8:28 PM

I seek some enlightening relationship advice - with a foreign friend from past years.

A few years ago, I met a guy at a conference and we sort of hit it off - we hung out and talked a lot. He, however, lived on the other side of the world (and still does) so after the conference nothing came of it. A year and a half or so ago we began talking again and it revived some of those old feelings. However, a few months later (so about a year ago) I met my current boyfriend whom I love and have a promising future with. I stopped correspondence with my foreign friend in order to avoid any sort of false encouragement and have just received a lengthy email from him requesting at least a note from me, letting him know whether or not I still wish to speak with him. The email was worryingly needy in its tone, and I'm worried that a response will just lead him in the wrong direction and complicate things further. On the other hand, I don't know if I have the heart not to respond. Help!

posted by anonymous to human relations (16 comments total)

When you originally stopped corresponding with him, did you tell him why? If not, then I think you should at least give him a brief explanation of where things stand.
posted by amyms at 8:38 PM on November 13, 2008

Let him know you have a boyfriend. Tell the boyfriend if he is a serious bf.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:43 PM on November 13, 2008

How would you feel if someone you had been friends with for months cut off contact for no apparent reason? By not telling him you are not leading him in the wrong direction, you are hurting him for no reason.
posted by grouse at 8:57 PM on November 13, 2008 [5 favorites]

Uh, so did you just stop talking to him, with no explanation?

If so - then, well, yeah, I could see why they'd be kind of bemused, and possibly worried that they'd done something wrong, were you ok, blah blah blah...
Some people also expect that if someone was interested enough to be interested, then they're at least interesting enough to be just a friend, so being cut off completely when nothing has ever happened, can kinda hurt.
Sending an email asking basically 'Hey, did you deliberately ditch me?' is not something people actually do usually, except for those occasional sometimes, especially when people are kinda drunk, but the urge is understandable, and does arise.

Cut it off cleanly.

A note that says, hey, apologies for cutting him off so abruptly, but you've moved onto a new period of your life, and are making plans in life with your very very lovely boyfriend. That you won't be available for further correspondence, but you wish him well.

(Someone else suggest if there's a 'nicer' way to put this that is also flatly unambiguous - but I know I, and most people, tend err too far to the nice, when the unambiguous is better).

It'll still sting a bit, but at least he'll have a clear cut, no illusions chance to get over it.
posted by Elysum at 9:03 PM on November 13, 2008

I vote for "say nothing". You've already made the mistake of cutting this person--who by your description seems to have been a little more than a passing acquaintance--off in a way that apparently made no sense to them and may have felt unreasonably cruel. For you to respond now, no matter how graciously you couch it, will just be picking the scab. What's to stop them from responding to your response? Will you then feel justified in remaining silent? It's over, it's been over for quite a while, and if you never answer, they'll have their passive confirmation of what they already suspect. Perhaps in the future you'll consider whether you would want to be treated in such a way.
posted by fuse theorem at 9:39 PM on November 13, 2008

what amyms said. grouse, too. the guy deserves an explanation, considering that he doesn't seem to have done anything wrong.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:45 PM on November 13, 2008

I would write him back. Something similar happened to me, but on a much smaller scale (just a few dates with a European guy) and after I got the email asking for an explanation, I emailed him back saying I had started dating someone else and I was sorry I hadn't told him sooner. He was really gracious about it and thanked me for telling him. In a lot of other situations I would tell you not to respond, but this guy sounds nice and you do have a little bit of a history with him. Honestly, he'll probably feel happy that your lack of contact really has nothing to do with him.
posted by whoaali at 10:03 PM on November 13, 2008 [2 favorites]

Do you like this person as a friend? Why can't you be friends with him? I can't imagine having to cut all my correspondence/contact with my male friends just because I have a new boyfriend. Isn't that how people lose awesome friendships that they will come to regret a few years down the road?

If one of my friends cut correspondence with me suddenly and without giving me any reasons, or because he had started a new relationship, I'd be pretty upset and confront him too. If you really think you don't want him in your life, you need to be honest about it. Ignoring him will just understandably upset him more. I think it's just common courtesy.
posted by shamble at 10:30 PM on November 13, 2008 [8 favorites]

I strongly agree with shamble: what's with all this cutting off contact with other people of the same gender as your boyfriend?

Also, while being unambiguous is good, you don't need to make your reply into a whole big deal that makes both of you feel embarrassed. Unless his email specifically deals with the possibility of you two having a relationship, you can just apologize for being out of touch - "busy at work, new boyfriend, etc etc" - and say you hope he's doing well. He'll take the hint, or if he doesn't, you've fulfilled your obligation and have nothing to feel bad about. With women I've been involved with in the past, I can recall two occasions that "casual mention of new boyfriend" has been the signal to me that if we were going to meet up it was going to be platonic, and it was great of them: honest, upfront, but not A Big Embarrassing Talk About The Nature Of Our Friendship. In one case I chose to pursue the friendship, in another case not, everyone's happy.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 5:06 AM on November 14, 2008

You said you "hit it off," but never said anything about developing romantic feelings.

There is no reason you can't enjoy having a friend and also have a boyfriend at the same time.

You may want to further examine why it is that you broke off contact with this friend...or perhaps there is more to the friendship than you let on? You say you did not want to give "false encouragement." Encouragement of what?

In any case, what is your goal in this, with respect to your friend? What did you, and do you, want from the relationship?
posted by Nixie Pixel at 5:35 AM on November 14, 2008

I would feel a little weird if someone that I hit it off with suddenly cut off correspondence. Personally I just wouldn't speak to them again unless they explained their position, but that's just me. It seems that you owe him some kind of explanation.
posted by ob at 8:36 AM on November 14, 2008

The short answer to your question? Yes. Read his email and respond and tell him exactly why you didnt answer. From the looks of thing this is just a platonic relationship where something that could have happened didnt because of the distance.....the fact you guys kept in touch could only mean that you guys have compatible personalities and are able to have conversations even if you two werent dating (though probably you were hoping he would stop by for some sort of physical connection right?).

If you are the type to cut off contact with people who are the opposite sex because now you have a boyfriend...feel free to go ahead and do so....let me just tell you though...if you ever do break up with your current boyfriend do not complain about ahhh i dont have any friends i have to start all over, yada yada yada....
posted by The1andonly at 9:48 AM on November 14, 2008

The email was worryingly needy in its tone, and I'm worried that a response will just lead him in the wrong direction and complicate things further.

Your gut is probably right here. Yes, it sucks to have someone cut off contact you for no reason, but it sucks even more to feel like someone is leading you on.

I've had friends cut off contact and it was pretty brutal to then have contact re-established only to find out, in gruesome detail, exactly WHY they didn't want to talk. It's better to just let it go, for his sake. Upset as he may be now, he'll get past it sooner without having it dissected.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 10:04 AM on November 14, 2008

When I was about 14 it was arranged by one of my sisters for me to have a penpal in England. The girl was my age and we would write once a month or so, depending on the mail. I suspect we both has some level of romantic fantasy about each other but it was all just innocent flirting.

Several attempts to meet failed over the years. One time I was returning to the States from Sweden and had a layover in London. She never showed up at the airport and wasn't at the last address I had. Turned out she was delivering her oldest son.

Her husband cut us off and we lost touch for twenty years. Then one day she had a layover in Seattle and looked me up in the phone book. When she got home she called the house and spoke to Mrs. Director who knew exactly who it was on the other end and was thrilled to take the call.

We picked up as dear friends like no time passed at all. She came her and we've been to the UK. My friend is finally happily married and I'm looking forward to meeting the new man in her life next week.

I only mention this because it is possible to have close personal friends of the opposite sex and have your spouse be OK with it. If you can be trusted, that is.
posted by trinity8-director at 12:04 PM on November 14, 2008

Being halfway across the world puts in a whole level of difficulty in terms of actually cheating on your boyfriend. So that's not really an issue. There's no reason to cut yourself off from someone you had fun interactions with. Unless he is really clueless about relationships, he probably does not think he has a future with someone thousands of miles away who he has seen once in a year and a half, and never touched. So don't worry about how he reacts to continued contact. If he develops feelings, that's his problem.

You should only focus on you: Ask yourself: can you maintain a serious romantic relationship with your current boyfriend while staying in touch with this friend overseas? The answer is probably yes. I mean, you met him in person once, and there was some interest, but realistically he did not rock your world or anything, you just talked.

In my opinion you can interact with him just short of serious flirting. Don't mention this friend to your boyfriend unless you're sure he is confident in the relationship and you can talk about him in a non-awe-inspired voice. Really though, there's no obligation. It's none of his business who your friends are, male or female, especially friends you have little chance of meeting again.

In case there was any doubt, the word "love" should never leave your lips or keyboard when in contact with this guy, except in sentences like, "Man I am so in love with my boyfriend" or "Man I love me some cheese fries".
posted by Deathalicious at 12:53 PM on November 14, 2008

Hey man, sorry about that. Didn't mean to leave you hangin'. It's just that I've got this new boyfriend and I totally fell for him and so I've been really busy at all these romantic retreats and backrubs and raising our new pony and dancing in rainbows. Sorry 'bout that. How're things?
posted by klangklangston at 2:51 PM on November 14, 2008 [2 favorites]