Should I tell my husband about my past with a friend?

November 13, 2008 4:40 PM

I ran across an old friend on a social networking site. Five years ago, we went on a few dates and slept together a few times. He wants to have coffee. Really, just coffee. He's in a relationship, I'm married. Is it OK to see this guy? Should I tell my husband about our past?

I am very happily married. I am not attracted to this guy, who I'll call John, although obviously I was five years ago. John and I parted amicably and sent sporadic emails. I haven't actually talked to or seen the guy since I met my husband four years ago.

I have absolutely no doubt that John's intentions are honorable. His relationships tend to be polyamorous and/or open, so it's conceivable he would be open to the possibility of something, but he's given me no indication that he has any interest in me beyond just chatting.

My husband is not the jealous type; before we moved in together I had two straight male friends with whom I spent a lot of time talking, and he did not mind a bit. (I had not dated nor slept with either.) I also hung out with a group of friends, some of whom I'd dated, and he did not mind that either. I did not tell him that I'd slept with one of the guys in the group, because we were always around other people. (That guy ended up getting invited over to our house by my husband, which was weird. I never told my husband, and I don't talk to that guy anymore.)

I consider the fact that I slept with John to be irrelevant given that it absolutely will not happen again, but would this be a lie by omission if I didn't tell my husband? Is it wrong to go for coffee at all? (Certainly my husband is welcome to come with and meet John, but he's so busy that I rarely see him these days. Also, would it be horribly awkward knowing that the guy across the table from you slept with your wife?)

posted by anonymous to human relations (44 comments total)

If it seems questionable enough to you that you want to ask a bunch of people on the internet, then you should probably tell your husband. Some part of you will probably feel guilty or uncomfortable if you don't. If you don't want to tell your husband, then maybe it's not worth seeing the guy again.
posted by willnot at 4:48 PM on November 13, 2008 [7 favorites]

If your husband found out after you went for coffee, from some one other than you, what would his reaction be?

If he'd be angry you didn't tell him beforehand, definitely tell him.

If he'd agree with you that this was all in the past and doesn't matter anymore, definitely tell him because it won't make a difference either way.
posted by Loto at 4:48 PM on November 13, 2008

I consider the fact that I slept with John to be irrelevant given that it absolutely will not happen again

It doesn't matter if you consider it to be irrelevant, it matters if your husband would consider it to be irrelevant. I think we both know he would not.

but would this be a lie by omission if I didn't tell my husband?

Yes.

would it be horribly awkward knowing that the guy across the table from you slept with your wife?

Depends on the context. If you marry an ex-girlfriend of a longtime friend, then no because you worked through all those issues a long time in the past. If your husband sat across the table from this guy and then later found out you two had slept together then yes, awkward.
posted by Justinian at 4:51 PM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]

At the very least I think you need to tell your husband you went on a couple of dates at one point, but then decided to just be friends. I don't think you have to come out with the fact you've slept with him, unless he asks, but I do think you have to give him some heads up you were at one time romantically involved with him. I think it's just common courtesy and it could look bad if you start up the friendship again with John and later your husband finds out.
posted by whoaali at 4:53 PM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]

Certainly my husband is welcome to come with and meet John, but he's so busy that I rarely see him these days

That's a quite irrelevant but neverthess very interesting detail that you added there... Are you sure you're not just a teensy bit flattered by John's attention? I think you need to be totally honest with yourself about your motives here, as I suspect the whole 'there's no harm in it' angle that you're taking, alongside what seems to be tacit approval seeking from us mefites is an amber light for me...

Sorry if I'm off beam, but I've been here and done that...
posted by Chairboy at 4:59 PM on November 13, 2008 [8 favorites]

If it were me I would not go for coffee. Friends or not. At one time there were feelings between you and why stir that up?

Playing with fire in my book. Have coffee with your hubby instead.
posted by seekingsimplicity at 5:05 PM on November 13, 2008 [6 favorites]

I'm a bit more conservative, but I would definitely want to know if my wife was going to see an ex for coffee. Not telling him is really discourteous.
posted by Burhanistan at 5:21 PM on November 13, 2008

Pretty much what everyone else said, but if you think your husband wouldn't want you to go if you told him the whole story (read: if you need to ask on mefi) then I'd say its not a good idea.
posted by aleahey at 5:24 PM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]

It totally depends on your relationship with your husband. My boyfriend and I don't have any problem with either of us hanging out with former flames (regardless of how serious the former relationship was) because A) we both have traditionally maintained friendships with exes; B) we both trust that neither of us has any interest in hooking up with any of our exes; and C) we tell each other ahead of time if we're going to be hanging out with an ex.

So for me, your situation wouldn't pose a problem at all: I'd make plans for coffee, tell my boyfriend who I was going out for coffee with, then go out for coffee. But that's a reflection of our particular dynamics -- not all relationships are the same. You're the best judge of whether yours fits in that category.
posted by scody at 5:26 PM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]

He wants to have coffee. Really, just coffee. He's in a relationship, I'm married. Is it OK to see this guy? Should I tell my husband about our past?

Wait. What? You really wouldn't tell your husband that you dated said person in the past? And that you're going to now go on a friendly "date" with this "old friend" and you seem to have no problem hiding information about this guy from your husband? Are you sure you're going out for coffee? Cuz this sounds all sorts of drama penguinesque.

Simply telling your husband that you are going to see this guy (you went on a few dates five years ago, decided to be friends, lost contact) is not a big deal. Really, it's nothing. It's catching your husband up to date on someone that is current in your life. You don't even have to say "you slept together". Seriously, once you get to a certain point, this is automatically assumed. You're an adult. I take it your husband is an adult as well. Why not tell your husband about this?

Are you sure this is an old friend and not an old boyfriend? Cuz it sounds less like you're seeing a guy you were friends with and more as if you're seeing an ex boyfriend that you're trying to hide from your husband (and your last line about your husband being "so busy" is such a throwaway statement to think something more is here than you claim to be).
posted by Stynxno at 5:28 PM on November 13, 2008 [3 favorites]

How would you feel if the situation were reversed and your husband told you that he had just gone out for coffee with a woman he'd gone out with a couple of times and who had tracked him down on the internet. Oh and that he had slept with her a couple of times when they were dating. But its just coffee. Really. And she's not married but she's "in a relationship." Really, its just coffee.

I'd suggest that the uncertainty and suspicion that introduces into your relationship with your husband are a greater cost than any benefits of that "coffee" with John.

And, I agree with chairboy's sense that this probably reflects your own unease with your relationship with a husband you "rarely" see anymore and a feeling that the relationship needs some attention.
posted by RandlePatrickMcMurphy at 5:29 PM on November 13, 2008

Would your husband view him as a friend, or as an "ex"? Would he maybe be upset and feel like you deliberately misled him if he found out you were describing John as a friend and not an ex?
posted by PercussivePaul at 5:29 PM on November 13, 2008

Don't do it. Surely you have other friends to have coffee with, friends you can tell your husband about.
posted by languagehat at 5:36 PM on November 13, 2008

The fact that you're conflicted and (to my ears) sound defensive about not wanting to tell your husband that you used to date this guy is telling. It is telling you to either not meet the ex for coffee, or tell you husband that you used to date - and yes, slept with - this guy.
posted by rtha at 5:49 PM on November 13, 2008

It really depends on your dynamic with your husband. My partner and I both have exes who are casual friends, close friends, and e-mail once-in-awhile friends. In our dynamic, he would find it weird if I were to point out that Old Friend S is someone I once had sex with. If it's not relevant now, it's not relevant.

But I'm not you and your husband.
posted by desuetude at 6:03 PM on November 13, 2008

Is this an ex, or just some guy you used to know as a friend who you happened to sleep with?

If he is truly an ex, then tell your husband you are having coffee with an ex. If he was a friend, tell your husband you are having coffee with a friend. If he suspects there might have been a few bonus nights with the friend, don't lie.

Was your husband a virgin when you met? Everybody has a past, even if it's only the lust in their heart.

I take this all back, through, if the two men in this post are not the only "friends" you had sex with. If you still havent' quite resolved what some of your past relationships were, exactly, you'll have a hard time dealing with what they are now.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:13 PM on November 13, 2008

The fact that you're nervous about this suggests that you have something to feel nervous about, doesn't it? And in such a case it is (IMHO) better to be open with your husband, whom you presumably trust and all. I'd simply mention it over dinner or something— “hey, did I ever tell you about John? We dated for a little while back in XX. Anyway, I ran into him on Facespacejournal and and we're going to go get some coffee next week and catch up.”

Presumably, saying that makes you nervous, or you wouldn't have asked this question, right? So you need to figure out why.
posted by hattifattener at 6:39 PM on November 13, 2008

I'm kind of depressed that the default answer in this thread seems to be, "Don't tell your husband, don't get coffee with a guy you once casually dated, and definitely don't have a life outside your marriage."

Can't two well-adjusted adults who have a very defunct romantic history meet up to get coffee? Does your husband accept that you dated other people before you met him? Does he trust you? If you're conflicted about those questions, coffee with a former fling that you're no longer attracted to is the least of your concerns.
posted by zoomorphic at 6:46 PM on November 13, 2008 [2 favorites]

I would absolutely tell your husband, if only because despite all you say that there is nothing to worry about, you sure spent a looooong time qualifying to us, internet strangers, why that is. Telling your husband would create that extra safety net of "Oh, my husband knows about this, remember to be careful". I don't think there's anything wrong in going to coffee with the guy, but by not telling your husband about his ex status, I feel like you'd be hiding something. If your husband is as awesome as you say, what's to be harmed by telling him? What are you trying to avoid by not telling him?

Might wanna take another a look at your intentions there.
posted by Phire at 6:50 PM on November 13, 2008

Tell him. Its a marriage. It isn't that awkard. Here's the thing. Good rule of thumb: when you have to ask if you should tell or not tell, in the case of a lifetime marriage, you should err on the side of telling.

Ok, say you go meet the guy and don't tell. Your husband is with you every day--he's the person you are closest to. This means a number of times when your love will make you want to confess but you will lie. Now, add up the number of times you estimate that you will have to deal with that feeling. Now add in all the times you will feel guilty about this. Compare that with whatever benefit you might get from meeting this person. You can bet that the negative of lying by omission grossly outweighs anything you might get from meeting him.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:57 PM on November 13, 2008

I don't agree with the people saying that you should search your soul. I don't think wanting to approach a potentially dodgy situation optimally is a sign that you're hiding a deep desire for Mr. Coffee. It's more like when someone tells you to act natural, and you start to wonder how you act when you're not thinking about acting natural. Plus, if you have coffee with him and feel some sparks, you'll have plenty of time to search your soul later.

Anyhow, this isn't a big deal unless you or your husband make it out to be so. Just mention that he's "an old friend" and "we dated a few times." I don't think you need to specifically say "we dated, and then we had sex" any more than you need to specify what positions and brands of lube you used. If your husband feels the need to ask whether you had sex, answer truthfully and not defensively.

If your husband has a problem at that point, it's really his problem and not yours. Like any relationship problem, it might require some good communication and enthusiastic reassurance, but you're certainly not doing anything wrong by wanting to have coffee with an old friend.
posted by lore at 6:58 PM on November 13, 2008

I'm the "friend" in a similar situation. I was never out of touch with my ex, who hooked up with someone shortly after our "thing" ended, and it was about 8 months into their relationship before I met his new girlfriend.

I don't think he told her about me, which has placed me in an awkward position now, which could have been avoided if he'd just been upfront and casual about it. Now I'm really good friends with his new girlfriend, and have no idea how to let her know that we have a history, as he should have said something to her months ago.

Tell him. If there is nothing there, why be cagey about it? what have you to lose? Surely he didn't think you were in a nunnery before then? He might be a little funny, but if you're upfront then he'll get over it quickly. If you lie about it, then he'll be wondering why on earth you withheld that information from him previously.

And nthing those who are saying that maybe you need to reexamine your reasons to not tell him.
posted by jonathanstrange at 7:04 PM on November 13, 2008

Whenever my partner or I do the "coffee with an ex" thing, which seems to happen every so often, we tell the other person first. It just seems more courteous, somehow. And by telling (and, if appropriate, saying "hey, come along if you want"), any tension is defused.

I can't speak for my partner, but I'm very careful to mention right at the beginning something that makes it clear that my partner knows about the coffee date and doesn't care at all. The times I didn't, sometimes it became clear partway through the meeting that what one person thought was a casual reconnecting was, to the other person, a bit more loaded. Coffee versus coffee date, if you will.

No need to get all graphic about how this was the guy with the huge cock who satisfied you like no one else ever will -- but I think you should make sure the words "we went on a few dates" or "we dated for a short time" or a similar phrase pass your lips. "He's an old friend," or "I had a crush on him once" or "we hung out a lot" aren't saying enough to be really honest, in this context.
posted by Forktine at 7:05 PM on November 13, 2008 [2 favorites]

If you're uncomfortable telling your husband about him, you shouldn't be going.
But if that feels like a fairly straight forward and easy conversation to have, then go, by all means.
posted by browse at 7:05 PM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]

I see no reason why you shouldn't go but hell yeah, you oughta tell hubby. No brainer.
posted by CwgrlUp at 7:26 PM on November 13, 2008

If you found your husband had been having coffee with an ex without mentioning it to you, how would you feel? Do unto others and all that.

I'll also echo others in wondering why this is such a big thing for you. You seem to be getting awfully fraught over something that, I would have thought, would be no big deal.
posted by rodgerd at 7:42 PM on November 13, 2008

-- I have absolutely no doubt that John's intentions are honorable.

-- His relationships tend to be polyamorous and/or open, so it's conceivable he would be open to the possibility of something,

These two statements contradict each other.
posted by jayder at 8:53 PM on November 13, 2008

What would be your motivation for not telling your husband? If you've got a solid, honest partnership with your spouse, you should just be able to tell him you are going to meet a former lover for coffee. Yeah, he might be jealous, but he also might be perfectly fine with the idea. Non-disclosure of information like this is the same as lying.

It sounds like you might be kind of lonely and in need of a little drama in your life!
posted by pluckysparrow at 8:56 PM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]

but I think you should make sure the words "we went on a few dates" or "we dated for a short time"

But be careful, hearing those seemingly innocuous phrases, for some men, tends to give birth to terrible mental images of one's wife or girlfriend getting jackhammered orgasmically for hours on end by a man hung beyond belief.
posted by jayder at 8:58 PM on November 13, 2008

If your husband wouldn't mind, why not just tell him? You can only get yourself in trouble by NOT telling him.
posted by cnc at 11:25 PM on November 13, 2008

Agreed with cnc.
posted by timoni at 11:38 PM on November 13, 2008

No good could possibly come of this.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 12:33 AM on November 14, 2008

Certainly my husband is welcome to come with and meet John, but he's so busy that I rarely see him these days.

I found this line rather telling...
posted by fairmettle at 2:36 AM on November 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

There is nothing to be honestly gained in your life by meeting John for coffee. Keep it simple. Say no.
posted by ptm at 6:25 AM on November 14, 2008

If you need to ask people on the internet -- that you don't know -- whether this is cool, then I think you already know the answer to your question.
posted by chunking express at 7:21 AM on November 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

-- I have absolutely no doubt that John's intentions are honorable.

-- His relationships tend to be polyamorous and/or open, so it's conceivable he would be open to the possibility of something,

These two statements contradict each other.

They don't. At least not necessarily. He can be open to possibilities yet not actually be secretly plotting a seduction.

People who are polyamorous/open are frequently capable of understanding that not everyone is.
posted by desuetude at 7:38 AM on November 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

Certainly my husband is welcome to come with and meet John, but he's so busy that I rarely see him these days.

I found this line rather telling...

I'm with fairmettle. I think that line said more than anything else. It is an incredibly slippery slope when it comes to adultery. The line between "just friends" and "oops, we had sex" can be miniscule when there is existing distance/trouble in the marriage. Add one more to the "Don't go for coffee" pile.
posted by gwenlister at 7:52 AM on November 14, 2008

Ask yourself why you want to keep it a secret.
posted by MiffyCLB at 9:09 AM on November 14, 2008

No matter how you look at it, it's looking for trouble.
posted by unrepentanthippie at 9:46 AM on November 14, 2008

I think this is an easy one. First ask yourself do you want to have coffee with this guy? Yes or no? Good.....Second do you want to have coffee with him because he is a cool guy to talk to and it would be kinda fun or because you two have some sort of romantic connection? If you are truly being honest with us then that is not the case.........So I would say yes...go meet up with the guy...but tell your husband that you are going to have coffee an old friend of yours if he says yes...do mention by the way hubby I want to make sure you are not uncomfortable with this but me and this guy went out for a few dates....is it still ok?

If you really wanted to meet up with him you probably wouldnt ask us....
posted by The1andonly at 9:59 AM on November 14, 2008

If this wasn't a big deal, you would just tell your husband "oh hey, I'm meeting up with my old friend John - we dated for a while, but it was a long time ago." and have a coffee with an old friend.

Since you're stressing out about it and asking MetaFilter, that indicates that there's something pretty emotionally charged about the situation. Spare yourself any extra stress and just politely decline the meeting. Better that than telling your husband (which, yes, if you meet this guy you should ABSOLUTELY tell your husband up front - it shouldn't be a big deal at all but it's the kind of thing that would feel really suspicious to find out about *after* the fact), meeting the guy, and then stressing out MORE when you try to decide about whether or not you want to see him AGAIN.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 10:35 AM on November 14, 2008

It's a big enough deal that you feel guilty/apprehensive enough to ask total strangers hoping they'll tell you it's ok.

You'd probably be better spent asking yourself what's going on in your marriage that meeting up with an old lover is such a big deal.

For what it's worth, this is the exact kind of conversation I've had with well over a half dozen friends/coworkers who went on to cheat on their spouse. I think we both know it isn't really about coffee.
posted by JFitzpatrick at 11:04 AM on November 14, 2008 [2 favorites]

It's one thing to say you "dated for a while", but my best guess is your husband is going to follow that up with the next obvious question, did you sleep with him? You need to have an answer ready, and you need to know how your husband is going to react when you answer it.
posted by unrepentanthippie at 12:41 PM on November 14, 2008

I suspect your motivations here are unclear/fuzzy. Also, how do you know that you're not attracted to him now when you haven't seen him?

If you really have no intentions of cheating on your husband, and this was a totally neutral, just friends thing on your part, you'd say to your husband, "I'm going for coffee with a dude I went on a few dates with ages ago" and it would be no big deal. Regardless of whether or not John is engaging in poly.

Now, I know most people ASSUME MONOGAMY big time and some people (like that other question on AskMe today) are all, "no contact with anyone of the opposite gender if you're taken", and those people would have a question like that. And if I thought this situation was just monogamy paranoia, I'd say "don't worry about it, just be honest."

But...I think your motivations here are.... well, do you really think you'd keep hands off John if he offered another one-nighter here?

Bottom line: if you want to have monogamy, don't do this. Or at least, not until you can happily not sleep with the bloke and have coffee for three or four with your SO's without issues.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:12 PM on November 14, 2008