Dating a "seperating" co-worker? WTF?

November 12, 2008 9:33 PM

RelationshipFilter & BizarreSituationFilter: Turns out this Co-worker I have been flirting with seems to like me BUT is going through a separation (thinking about divorce). She is in a delicate situation and I have no experience with this level of (possible) relationship. Should I proceed? How? THERE IS MUCH MORE.

Note: This is long, partly because I don't know what is relevant in a situation like this and partly because it helps me to sort this out to write it out completely. If you feel you know the situation from the teaser please skip to answer, but do check out the "blows my mind" section, it's kinda important.

Preface about myself: Young-ish 20 something guy, very little (almost no) dating/relationship experience (all of it basically in High School).

Started working at this job about 2 months ago. Really like the job. Possible pitfalls of navigating an office relationship is a big concern of mine if things continue to build. It is a smaller company of about 50 people in a typical office setting.

This co-worker is about 5 years older than me. She had been friendly (as everyone was) when I started but the last few weeks she started talking to me more frequently (which was weird since she is in a totally different department and job-wise we don't interact at all).

I started to suspect she was flirting with me last week when both of us stayed late (I had to lock-up and she was working on a project) and we struck up a long-ish conversation. I got the impression she wanted me to ask her to dinner, which I did in a round-about way, but then she hesitated and said basically "some other time". I figured I was just getting mixed signals or misinterpreting friendliness for something more.

We had some "lite flirting" this week, no big deal, but then tonight I was locking up and she was working on something and again she started to chat with me, which I pointedly stayed and made myself available to be talked to. We talked about a few things but quickly it turned to her personal situation (which was all her; I said as clearly and politely as I could that I don't want to pry but she insisted she didn't mind and indeed wanted to talk about it).

Turns out that she is one year into a separation and not sure if she wants to go through with a divorce (indeed she had been to see a lawyer to discuss that earlier today). She said this by way of explaining how she feels "conflicted lately" and "does not know what she wants" and "is unsure what to do", which I think she clearly meant as explanation for the mixed signals (which I totally understand).

She said "it was a long story", to which I said "I like long stories (but only if you are comfortable telling it)" to which she went on to discuss her whirlwind courtship, marriage and gradual growing apart from her (possibly soon to be Ex?) Husband.

HERE IS WHERE IT TOTALLY BLOWS MY F***ING MIND.

Turns out her husband has recently been diagnosed Bi-polar, and his erratic behavior (lots of debt, legal troubles (some serious), wild mood swings) is part of what made them grow apart. Now, he has been diagnosed and has had at least one "delusional" (which I take to be manic) episode, but refuses to be medicated.

At the same time, the wild behavior, sense of adventure and "being outside the box" and "breaking the rules" is what drew her to him in the first place (she is a very artistic, open minded type, which I totally like). And she has lots of fond memories of exciting travels and adventures with him.

HERE IS WHAT BLOWS MY MIND:

I too am Bipolar (Bipolar I, probably the same type as him from the description).

I had my time of being off meds and seeing where it leads, but for the last 3 years I have been totally dedicated to my meds and a solid support structure. I won't say I have my shit totally together (c'mon i'm in my early 20s and spent 2 years of my late teens in unmediated craziness!!) but I have NEVER been in anything even approaching legal or financial troubles, let alone the serious trouble he is in.

BUT, I know I am biased in this situation, so when she basically asks me for advice I try to be as non-pushy as possible, when what I really want to say is "run away from this guy, if he doesn't care enough about himself to help himself there is no way in HELL you can save him! He will just bring you down with him" The legal troubles, the financial troubles, all of it sound like a mess.

I did try to give her insight into bipolar (without acknowledging that I too have it) by talking about family members who have both been Psychiatric Nurses and the fact that I have read the DSM multiple times (which all happens to be true). I explained the typically degenerative nature of untreated bi-polar and other things to help give her context about it... And perhaps I did push a little--simply because the more I heard about this guy the more he sounded like a powder keg ready to explode.

Anyway... we talked about some lighter topics and then agreed we should go to lunch some time (maybe a dinner next week?).

SO now I am here digesting all of this and I don't know what to think.

No one in this state (aside from family and my medical advisers) knows that I have bipolar. I'd like to keep it that way. I really don't want to tell her (not for a LONG time) but if something happens here (big if) then I feel sorta obligated to let her know what she is getting into sooner rather than later. I don't know how early is too early and how late is unethically deceptive.

But that presupposes the answer to the most important question: Should I even proceed or encourage this, whatever happens, given the situation? I really like her... but this is just... weird.

What should I do?

posted by DetonatedManiac to human relations (28 answers total)

Stay away from her until the divorce is good and final for crying out loud.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:39 PM on November 12, 2008 [4 favorites]

It's not wierd at all.
Office romance is normal.
Psychiatric disorders are normal.
Marriage separations are normal.
Bad-tempered exes are normal.
It's just that combining them, let alone combining all of them, is a bad, bad idea.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 9:48 PM on November 12, 2008 [3 favorites]

Seconding Burhanistan: stay away. This woman is still married, and has even shared with you her desire to stay married. Anything else you mention is completely irrelevant.
posted by halogen at 9:48 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

Ignoring what a pile of bad the whole situation is, the bottom line is that she is married. If she weren't, I personally might still avoid the situation, as it is likely to be messy, but she is, so either you can be 'that guy,' or you can stay the hell out of it.
posted by paisley henosis at 9:52 PM on November 12, 2008

I agree with Fiasco de Gama. There are hundreds of other women that you may find attractive and interesting and wonderful that may not have anyone of these issues... let alone all of them! Don't combine all of these potentially combustable situations... any one of these is enough to be a significant obstacle in a relationship, but all of them... the odds of it going well for you are slim.

Don't miss out on all the other (single!) girls out there that are trying to get your attention by focusing it all on this (MARRIED!) woman and and all her baggage. Keep your head on a swivel.
posted by veronicacorningstone at 10:03 PM on November 12, 2008

Well so, I guess that is my question: How do I stay away politely?

I have very little experience courting the opposite sex... let alone "un-courting" them... how does that work? I don't want to make an abrupt U turn do I? but at the same time we are in the "just friends phase", nothing has happened except some conversations between friends, one of which dealt with some personal stuff... so staying away would be un-friendly.

I guess now that I know the situation I just need to properly frame my perceptions and stay on the "office friends" track and that's that. Right?
posted by DetonatedManiac at 10:05 PM on November 12, 2008

She sounds like she has a lot on her mind & needs somebody to be a good listener.

This probably doesn't involve the listener thinking "hey, I sound just like your husband...only BETTER!"
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:06 PM on November 12, 2008

and for the record, I had no idea she was married until about 7 hours ago. I didn't even know she was older than me.
posted by DetonatedManiac at 10:06 PM on November 12, 2008

"BUT is going through a separation (thinking about divorce)"

I really didn't have to read any further. NO. STOP WHERE YOU ARE AND BACK AWAY SLOWLY.

I speak from the viewpoint of being "that woman" who got involved with someone right after I separated, but before I filed for divorce. I wasn't ready. That's not to say that she might not be ready later. Much later.

As for you, my "little to no dating experience" young friend - please, please, please, don't go down this path. There are so many better options out there.
posted by HopperFan at 10:09 PM on November 12, 2008 [2 favorites]

I guess now that I know the situation I just need to properly frame my perceptions and stay on the "office friends" track and that's that. Right?

At least for now. See if you can set up a "don't shit where you eat" rule in your head that office colleagues are never, ever, ever a good idea for a relationship, unless it's blindingly obvious that you were 100% made for each other, then see if you can find an extra 50% to bolster your case before proceeding.

(others' mileage may vary on the office thing; this is obviously only my opinion)
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:09 PM on November 12, 2008

Damn, should have previewed. Keeping it on a polite level means no dinners, no phone calls outside of work, flirty emails, staying after work, etc...

Lunches of a brief duration may be ok, include others if you can. Providing limited insight on bipolar, possibly.
posted by HopperFan at 10:13 PM on November 12, 2008

What should I do?

Run! Run, run, run, RUN! This is hot drama with a side of crazy. Your gut has already told you what her MO is - listen to it and stay far away.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:30 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

The power of attraction and infatuation is incredibly, amazingly, hypnotically, intoxicatingly, strong. It has killed people and destroyed nations. It requires almost superhuman strength to resist. But it must be resisted when the timing is wrong.

There's no way this can work out for your ultimate good, as unbelievable as it that may sound. Let her get through her drama. She needs WAY more healing time than she knows right now. I know it's hard, and it will feel like you are being kicked in the balls, while being punched in the face, and having your guts pulled out, all at once. But it's for the greater good.

Oh, by the way... infatuation and attraction also lead to wonderful lifelong relationships! When responded to at the right time in the right way.

Good luck.
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 11:36 PM on November 12, 2008 [2 favorites]

Honey, we know you don't want to hear it, but "no".

I'm a woman with a history that has some significant parallels to your story. I was married to someone who was eventually diagnosed as bi-polar, I had some trouble deciding finally to leave him (third time was the charm), and I fell in love during the tween - tween separation and divorce. And now you will expect me to say how that relationship ended horribly ... well, it didn't, and we (my second love) and I are still together, 18 years later. BUT my now-husband and I were both fully adult and mature, and each had enough world and life experience to know completely what risks we were running with our personal choices at that time. We were light years away from thinking that every infatuation was true love, and each fully capable of evaluating the reality of the relationship as it progressed.

I don't want to be condescending or patronizing (because I truly don't feel that way), but you aren't that strong/experienced at this point. Your youth, level of experience, and the absolute fact that you need to conserve, strengthen, and safeguard your own emotional well-being since you are bi-polar (and big ups to you for facing and handling that and taking charge) mean that this is something you should walk away from. There's not enough information for me to say much about the woman you are interested in, but the fact that she wants to talk about her relationship problems with you, to me, is a big, giant red flag. I never did this, because when I finally decided to leave-leave, I put that behind me, and while I talked with some of my other friends about it, it was absolutely, positively the very last thing I wanted to talk about with my new guy. I was 100% interested in him and "us". I didn't want a shoulder to lean on, I wanted hot passion, laughter, wonder, fun, wine, music, sun, spooning, 'til-dawn conversations that had nothing to do with my "pain", flowers that had nothing to do with "sorry", wrapping ourselves around each other because every inch of flesh that wasn't touching felt bereft.

That's what you want, too, ultimately, and all signs point to "highly doubtful" here. I might be wrong, but I hate to imagine you stepping into something so dangerous, something that might take years to recover from. All I'm saying is seek the joy. If this woman and this potential relationship seem mostly (or -really- even partially) about grinding over the pain, please don't go there.
posted by taz at 12:37 AM on November 13, 2008 [5 favorites]

I disagree with taz that you should walk away from this. You should run as fast as your legs will carry you. Run and don't stop until this woman is nothing but a speck over your shoulder, then run some more. This has fail and pain (for both of you) written all over it.
posted by dg at 2:17 AM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]

I would like to add a fairly common observation about males and females:
Women like to discuss problems, men like to solve problems. You are not the solution to her problems. You are a person with whom she is carrying on a conversation. Don't take it any further than that and you will turn out ok. You have insight into her situation for sure, but it is only that, a point of view. Contribute your POV and walk away from the situation, your presence, your support isn't really needed after she's had her say.
posted by ptm at 3:39 AM on November 13, 2008 [4 favorites]

I have very little experience courting the opposite sex... let alone "un-courting" them... how does that work? I don't want to make an abrupt U turn do I?

She' not courting you. You are in the friend zone and will probably remain there once she's ready to move to someone new. But she'll always think of you fondly for all the "wonderful help" you gave and being there for her in her time of need.

In short, this is not a way to build a relationship, with one party talking about their marriage and separation. Back away and find yourself some hot little number who wants to spend time doing things with you 'cause you're cool and fun as opposed to being a useful sounding board.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:10 AM on November 13, 2008 [3 favorites]

The primary issue for me in this situation would be that you under NO circumstances let a coworker know of your bipolar diagnosis. This specific woman is, as all of the other posters pointed out, not in a stable situation and should likely be avoided as a romantic interest. But beyond that, as someone who has personal issues that could negatively impact your position at work, I would studiously avoid dating coworkers regardless of who they are or where they are in their own personal lives.
posted by smallstatic at 5:47 AM on November 13, 2008

Just because she is comfortable talking to you does not mean she is romantically interested in you.

(Most men misunderstand friendly attention for romantic attention so this is not a dis. Just a heads-up.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:10 AM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]

Be afraid. Be very afraid. Give her a wide berth for your own good.

Wild side drew her to him=enjoys drama.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:41 AM on November 13, 2008

Well thanks for the advice. You have helped me to turn my amorphous un-ease and confusion in to full panic... now I'm at work and a nervous wreck!!

Not really, I am a bit nervous but I'm certainly going to cautiously and quickly withdraw from the situation as best I can.
posted by DetonatedManiac at 8:30 AM on November 13, 2008

So, unstable ex who's off his meds and knows where you work. I can't see how that could go wrong.
posted by electroboy at 8:37 AM on November 13, 2008 [2 favorites]

The thing that pops into my head is that you haven't told her you are bipolar (and should not tell her at this point, possibly ever), and that when/if you do tell her she will freak out.

The workplace relationship thing is dicey. The separated-but-not-divorced thing is also dicey. But the fact that you suffer from the same ailment that is driving her away from her current husband puts things over the edge. I know you are totally different in that you are committed to taking care of yourself, but her emotional reaction may be the same no matter what.

What I'm saying is, if you pursue a relationship with her you are putting yourself in a position for major ouchiness on numerous levels, but the one that is of the most concern is that she is probably not in a position right now to be sympathetic regarding your mental health, and may even have an unfair prejudice against people who suffer from mental illness because she has been so badly burned in her current relationship.
posted by brina at 8:42 AM on November 13, 2008

No, no, no, no.

There are (very) rare exceptions, of course, but as a rule do not romantically involve yourself with:
coworkers
married or otherwise seriously committed people
people whose exes (or parents) all bear a strong resemblance to you
people who refuse to make up their minds whether they want to date you, or date at all

Look at what you wrote above, and try to think about the situation with two strangers in place of you and her, and imagine how difficult it's going to be for that guy to deal with going to work if (as even he knows is pretty damn likely) things go sour with his married coworker.

You have only been flirting and you are already dubious and confused enough to ask the internet about your problem. That's a pretty good sign going any further is a mistake. Find a single girl you don't work with. In fact, ask your coworker if she has any single friends. You definitely won't be dating her after that.
posted by fidelity at 9:49 AM on November 13, 2008

Should I even proceed or encourage this, whatever happens, given the situation?

She's going through a separation from a man who has Bipolar Disorder. If you don't feel comfortable being upfront and letting her know for HER sake that you, too, have BPD, then no. Don't pass go, don't collect $200. She's got a lot to deal with and what she needs from a new partner is total honesty. If you can't bring it up with her, don't do it.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 11:05 AM on November 13, 2008

Be friendly, but back off.

No flirting - which means avoid physical touching, sexy jokes, otherwise try and treat her like a friendly (much) older colleague, or a male colleague.
You don't need to be awkward, but don't take the initiative at making invitations for drinks, food, or anything like that. Try not to 'hang around' when you know only she is just there.

Be supportive if you wish, but if you think you would be interested in something far in the future, if she does breakup etc, then being too close & 'just friendsy' may well backfire in terms of future choices.

So, given you only found out she was married yesterday, put any ideas of 'potential romantic partner' away, but consider that you still have the potential for a good colleague, and possibly friend (or at least work-friend).
posted by Elysum at 11:46 AM on November 13, 2008

Please don't get involved in that. It will end really badly for you.
posted by lilac girl at 5:01 PM on November 13, 2008

Try not to panic. Gray areas often develop in work relationships. When they do, establish a boundary gently and firmly. The gray area will clear up.
posted by halonine at 10:05 PM on November 15, 2008