From married to separated in 6 hours or less

November 12, 2008 8:41 PM

So my husband is moving out today. How do I do this?

This is kind of out of left field, but not completely. Things have been growing distant between us, but neither of us would acknowledge it until I forced him into a conversation tonight. And I (for the first time ever) suggested a legal seperation, less than half meaning it. He doesn't want to take it that far, but thinks that moving into his parents empty house for at least a week before we make any major moves is a good idea. So we've gone from "I love you, you're the best girl in the world" to moving out in less than a day...I've really been blind sided by this, but am trying to be very adult about the whole thing.

Does this mean we're seperating? Breaking up? Taking a "time out"? ...how am I supposed to...everything? In your experience, MeFi's, how is this handled with any dignity at all? Would you recommend complete seperation for the time - no calling, no visiting? Do I drive him and a suitcase over there or just wave goodbye from our front door? Let him see me sobbing or show as little emotion and be as polite and practical as possible?

What can we do that makes this thing work with the best chance of either putting our relationship back together with the least amount of damage inflicted on eachother, or going our seperate ways with any sort of civility and dignity?

Bonus detail - I have no one here to turn to. I live with him in his country, half a globe from my family and any friends that aren't mutual.

I know this is a really vague question, but I've just had the wind knocked out of me and I honestly am at a loss as to how this next hour, day, weekend...how does this go?

posted by anonymous to human relations (22 comments total)

One can only hope that it's machismo that's behind his acceptance of your suggestion.
Remember, males are weird in our pursuit of making females happy.
posted by ktrey at 9:00 PM on November 12, 2008 [3 favorites]

It goes one moment at a time. Try 18 hours or so with no contact then don't be shy about asking him how he is doing. Please see about getting into some counseling sessions as soon as possible.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:02 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

You don't really say what you want and maybe you don't know? I think that he is getting this same message. You should take the time when he's gone to figure out what you wish and then try to make it happen.
posted by lee at 9:09 PM on November 12, 2008 [2 favorites]

One data point: My ex and I separated (obviously). I neither volunteered to go into exile, nor abandoned my home. It's such a cliché, and a sexist presumption that the husband will move out. I stayed put, and she moved out.

Bottom line: Since he abandoned his home so quickly, don't rule out the possibility that your husband has been thinking about moving out for a while, and thinks it's a good thing. This idea is pretty much opposite to the (reasonable) suggestion ktrey made above. Good luck.
posted by JimN2TAW at 9:14 PM on November 12, 2008

A separation, even a mild one like this, is not a good sign for any relationship. However, it can help ease tensions. It has happened, so use it for good. You already know what has you upset about the relationship. Spend the time trying to get your arms around your husband's point of view. If you have an opportunity, it might help to ask him to do the same. If you both treat it as cooling off time and an opportunity to reassess how to make the relationship stronger, rather than as an opportunity to assess whether you should continue at all, then you will be more likely to improve/save this thing.
posted by caddis at 9:18 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

It is a weak attempt to get the upper hand on you by setting you up to have to ask him to return. Having said that, if I wanted him back, I would ask but set up very specific terms such as marraige counseling or date night or whatever suits you. I also agree with JimN2TAW that he was mentally prepared for this. He my not have been planning it, but he had thought about it at least as a dreaming passing thought. Good luck to you.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:37 PM on November 12, 2008

Um.. maybe just stop playing games??

Don't suggest things that you don't actually want.
(Were you trying to be hurtful and it backfired...?)

Don't try to manipulate him!
Even if it does work at the time, it won't for long.

Just be a person. And have some fucking dignity. Strangely enough, even if it does not go as you might have hoped you will be comforted by the knowledge you did everything you could've, all while never making a disgrace of yourself.

And if you wanna cry, a few tears and saying "Please don't go" is still classy. Throwing yourself on the floor, wailing, clutching his ankle so he drags you out the front door as he tries to escape... not so classy.

Being cold will save you the most face - but it won't make him stay. Being manipulative will probably make him stay - but it won't be because he wants to. Games don't do anyone any favors. So just try being real...?

Obviously you'll need to sort all kinds of (legal type) things out so from a practical point of view you'll need to get together to start working on what you're going to do about them (like in say a week). But emotional stuff... who knows? Don't push at him at all, although if you're doing that right - make sure he does know you would love to :) you do care, you're just being respectful of him.

Goodluck.
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 10:23 PM on November 12, 2008 [7 favorites]

First : *hug*

Second: I have no one here to turn to. I live with him in his country, half a globe from my family and any friends that aren't mutual.

Sounds like you're in a iffy spot to do any sort of emotional bargaining without your support network to confide in and cry on. The Ask community does great work, but it doesn't shake a stick at close friends and family. If it's within your means, why not try and fly home for a bit. The might just be enough time and space to clear you heads, come up with some solutions and sort out your problems.
posted by JimmyJames at 10:26 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

I was the leaver in a very similar situation. Some things I wish my husband hadn't done: congratulate me on my "courage," buy me a housewarming gift, bother the living crap out of me and follow me around.

This might be the end, and it might not. I would recommend that you take this time to figure out what you want. If the relationship has been going downhill, then spend some time figuring out if you want to fix it - and then go from there. Respect his desire to be by himself. Ask him when you can contact him, and respect his wishes. Don't play games, don't freak out, let him be and take care of yourself.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:39 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

Why did you ask him to go if you didn't want him to?
posted by A189Nut at 1:27 AM on November 13, 2008 [3 favorites]

I honestly am at a loss as to how this next hour, day, weekend...how does this go?

The trick here is to stay centered in yourself and as much as possible and, from that perspective, connect with what you really feel and want.

With the wind knocked out of you, as you say, it's easy to emotionally flail around from one extreme to another and grasp at anything (that kind of sounds like what you'd like us to contribute; what do you grasp onto?). If you can try to instead sit still and let all those buffeting forces pass you by, and connect a little to the self that you were before this and that you will be after this, you can be a bit more stable and a little more real. You won't be your strongest, most empowered self, but you can be your real self, though in shock somewhat, as opposed to someone putting on a front (either a front of desperation and sacrifice, or a front of toughness, independence and pride). It's tempting to escape through extreme emotions; you can avoid having to actually feel and deal with the real confusion and dislocation by throwing yourself into some easy narrative about how devastated or how angry you are. But by paying attention to what's really going on, and admitting that this is all really confusing, I think you can stay more real too. Good luck.
posted by salvia at 1:29 AM on November 13, 2008 [3 favorites]

I have particular empathy for you, because I also live in his country, half a globe from my family and any friends that aren't mutual, and I understand the jello strata in which you exist.

Unfortunately, I don't actually have any specific advice for you at this moment, but this: Let him see me sobbing or show as little emotion and be as polite and practical as possible? ... I think he should know how you really feel. I don't think most people are moved by coldness, if they aren't of the I-only-want-what-I-can't-get variety. I understand the impulse to make him feel that you can do perfectly well without him, thank you very much - but that is also what he is trying to show you right now.

Someone has to choose to break the impasse, and since you were the one to first bring up the separation, I think it's kind of up to you to show that you are stricken by the actual reality of that idea, if that's how you feel.
posted by taz at 1:42 AM on November 13, 2008

why is taz here pushing in front of me again?
That you are considering what your options are in this way (sobbing vs cold etc) tells me that you are trying to manipulate the situation and that can only end badly. Whatever you are feeling, show it and tell him what it is. Whatever happens then is at least based on truth, unlike the current situation you have found yourself in (so it seems to me, anyway).
posted by dg at 2:21 AM on November 13, 2008

In your experience, MeFi's, how is this handled with any dignity at all? Would you recommend complete seperation for the time - no calling, no visiting? Do I drive him and a suitcase over there or just wave goodbye from our front door? Let him see me sobbing or show as little emotion and be as polite and practical as possible?

If you look at this from the perspective of a human being who ostensibly once loved your husband instead of a tactical exercise I think you will find the answer is quite clear.

And I (for the first time ever) suggested a legal seperation, less than half meaning it.

That doesn't really reflect well on you. I think you need to ponder why you would ask your husband for a separation if you aren't sure if you want one. I think you need to ponder why you would "force him into a conversation" if you aren't even sure what you want in the first place. I am sorry if this hurts your feelings, but you sound very manipulative and calculating, and maybe you should take the alone time to think about why you do these sorts of things, and how that affects the people around you.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 3:45 AM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]

Don't try to cheer yourself up with a drink. Go for a run instead (or whatever form of exercise suits you). Let things lie for a few days if you can.
posted by Phanx at 3:52 AM on November 13, 2008

follow-up from the OP

Thank you all for your responses.

For the various questions asking why I asked for what I didn't want, and why I'm being manipulative:

I suggested seperating because it seemed like what HE wanted. But he's not the kind of guy who can ask for it - he'd much more likely be the guy who sticks a marriage for 40 years that he's miserable in because he promised he would. And I'll be damned if I'm going to have an obligation-marriage. That would break me in a way that would end up way more damaging than letting him go.

I don't know how to act not because I don't want to be genuine, but because he can't be the cavalry and the martyr. I can't let him have what he needs if he thinks I'm going to be breaking down. He's still protective of me, in whatever twisted form that takes now. So do I break, which is what *I* feel like doing, or be stoic because it will make this easier for him? Either way, rest assured I am not going to be grabbing his heels, begging him to stay. My worry (one of them) is I will push him away when all he really needs is a shake up and some thinking time.

I'm not asking how to manipulate this situation to get the outcome I want - which is, for him to realize his I'm-turning-30-this-year-and-is-this-all-there-is angst is just that - angst. And we work on getting out of this rut together.

A bit of background, not sure if it makes any difference, but: I'm only the second girlfriend he ever had (and from what I know of it, the first one wasn't a deep, intense relationship. More like a year of dates with the same person). And he'd never lived outside his family home before me. The first time he moved in his life, he moved out from his mother's house and into my apartment. I'd been through several relationships before I met him, and had lived on my own for quite a few years. So I think I had a better idea of what was out there and a firmer knowledge that this was who I wanted to build a life with.

I think he loves me, but I think he wants to know if he regrets heading into a settled life without ever having the bachelor days that I already got out of my system before I met him.

So...how do I give him what he needs and not ask him for what *I* need when the two things are in direct conflict?

posted by jessamyn at 5:55 AM on November 13, 2008

STOP GIVING HIM WHAT YOU THINK HE NEEDS.

There, I said it. Worry about your own self, getting what you need, doing what you want to do.

He is responsible for getting what he needs.

Period, the end. You are not a mind-reader and continuing to try to be a mind-reader is going to end up badly for all involved.

If he's passive-aggressive, call him out on it. Don't feed it by second-guessing yourself and trying to do what he wants you to do but won't say.
posted by sondrialiac at 7:18 AM on November 13, 2008 [5 favorites]

sondrialiac has it. By trying to figure out what he needs and create the situation that you -think- he wants, you're unintentionally infantilziing him. You both need to have a talk where you talk about what each of you wants, rather what each of you thinks the other wants to hear.
posted by DWRoelands at 7:24 AM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]

Yeah, sondrialiac has it. Don't try to read his mind. And go after what you want.

I'll be damned if I'm going to have an obligation-marriage.

the outcome I want - which is, for him to realize his I'm-turning-30-this-year-and-is-this-all-there-is angst is just that - angst. And we work on getting out of this rut together

Don't try to read his mind: "Could this all just be passing angst?" "Are you just staying with me out of obligation? When you do X, I wonder if that's what's going on." [discuss these things]

Go after what you want: "Why don't we work on getting out of this rut together?" Or, worst case, "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and is just staying out of obligation. If that's truly the case, let's split up."
posted by salvia at 7:47 AM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]

My worry (one of them) is I will push him away when all he really needs is a shake up and some thinking time.

Several other posters have already said it, but please, please stop presuming what he wants. You are not his mommy and don't need to teach him a lesson.

I'm not asking how to manipulate this situation to get the outcome I want - which is, for him to realize his I'm-turning-30-this-year-and-is-this-all-there-is angst is just that - angst. And we work on getting out of this rut together.

Maybe it's not angst. Quit minimizing his feelings just because you've had more relationship experience than he has. It seems terribly unclear what you want from this situation--and what you want him to do other than just "be happy." It's not always that easy. I think couples counseling might help, but barring that, you both have to start communicating honestly about your desires. This does not mean doing stuff like suggesting a separation if you don't mean it.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:10 AM on November 13, 2008

He doesn't want to take it that far, but thinks that moving into his parents empty house for at least a week before we make any major moves is a good idea.

Also, I'm a big fan of space, and I think his suggestion is actually a pretty good one. You obviously both need time to think. I would ask him to make a date later in the week so you can both sit down to talk. A little initial distance and cooling-off time will make that a lot easier.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:14 AM on November 13, 2008

Yeah, but do you love him?
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 4:47 PM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]