Tacky or Not?

November 10, 2008 12:25 PM

Etiquette Filter: If you dedicate a book to someone, is it rude to point out such to that person?

Mr. Adams and I have had a couple of books published in recent years, and we've listed some treasured friends/teachers/doctors in the dedications. The format of said books have either been pocket-sized hard covers or oversized paperbacks (think "Complete Idiot's Guide" or "for Dummies"), where the dedication is crammed onto the title page with the copyright info, yada yada, and (to my mind) is unnoticeable unless a person actually reads through all the boilerplate. If we want to send a copy of a book to one of the dedicatees, is it tacky to include a note or Post-It flag or some such that directs their attention to their name in the dedication? (Most of these books don't have room to sign a small inscription on the page that includes the dedication, which would usually be the most subtle manner of directing the honoree's eyes to his name.)

So what say the Hive Mind? If someone dedicated a book to you, would you prefer that they pointed it out to you, or would you rather eventually find it out on your own? Am I being somehow self-congratulating if I want, say, my doctor, to see that she's been such an inspiration to me that I named her in my book?

posted by Oriole Adams to human relations (24 comments total)

Doesn't sound tacky to me, particularly since the dedication isn't in a place where it would immediately pop out at them.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 12:30 PM on November 10, 2008

OMG if they didn't point it out and I never knew about it I'd be crushed!!
posted by tristeza at 12:30 PM on November 10, 2008 [2 favorites]

(Um, yeah, if I never knew I guess I couldn't be crushed, but....you get my point. I think it's lovely, not tacky at all.)
posted by tristeza at 12:31 PM on November 10, 2008

I can't imagine why that would be seen as being rude. If I got a call saying "Just wanted you to know that I dedicated a book to you," I would be immensely moved.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:35 PM on November 10, 2008 [2 favorites]

I had someone dedicate a book to me once and I didn't know about it until long after it was published and my sister-in-law got a copy and told me with envy how lucky I was to have been mentioned. I was shocked and hurt that A.) I was never told and B.) I didn't even get a copy before it went out of print! By all means, tell them!
posted by bristolcat at 12:37 PM on November 10, 2008

I see no problem, but I'm not easily offended.

...alternate approach for future use: ask permission to dedicate it to them (eg: ask if you can use their full name).

Then they know in advance, and you don't have to worry about seeming rude (indeed, you'd likely be seen as excessively polite, if anything).
posted by aramaic at 12:37 PM on November 10, 2008

Agreeing with the above.. I can't imagine the scene playing out as:

Oriole: Hey, we dedicated this book to you.

Dedicatee: OMFG HOW COULD YOU BE SO RUDE?
posted by owtytrof at 12:39 PM on November 10, 2008 [6 favorites]

My thought would be to write a short something on that page ("Thanks for your inspiration!" or whatever) using a bright red pen.
posted by inigo2 at 12:40 PM on November 10, 2008

Don't point out the dedication in the note, just tell them how grateful you are for the inspiration they provided you with to write it. Let them find the dedication on their own.

Humility is the ability to act embarrassed when other people notice how great you are without you pointing it out to them.
posted by allkindsoftime at 12:40 PM on November 10, 2008

Agreed with inigo2 - saying "HEY I DEDICATED THIS TO YOU" may come off as tacky but including a note on that page saying "Thank you for all you did to inspire/help me in the writing of this book" would be touching.
posted by sjuhawk31 at 12:41 PM on November 10, 2008

Am I being somehow self-congratulating if I want, say, my doctor, to see that she's been such an inspiration to me that I named her in my book?

You're not congratulating yourself. You're thanking your doctor for being a contribution to your life. This is never rude.
posted by desjardins at 12:51 PM on November 10, 2008

It would be rude NOT to tell them.
posted by Silvertree at 12:53 PM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

Unless your using the dedication to leverage your relationship with the person...
posted by fairmettle at 12:58 PM on November 10, 2008

I wouldn't put a post-it note but you might send a card with the book saying that the book was dedicated to them for "yadda yadda yadda". Any literate person will know where to look to see their name.
posted by JJ86 at 1:05 PM on November 10, 2008

My gut feeling is that it would be rude to dedicate a book to some one and not give them a copy, so far from tacky it seems the right thing to do.

Personally, I'd give the book as a gift, and on the same page as the dedication write an additional, more personal message.
posted by paulfreeman at 1:30 PM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

Yeah, send them a gift-wrapped copy. Include a note on the dedication page about why they deserved the dedication. Put a sticky-flag on that page so they won't miss it.
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 1:34 PM on November 10, 2008

Tell them.
posted by languagehat at 2:09 PM on November 10, 2008

If there's no room on the dedication page for a note, consider slipping a small card inside with a handwritten note on it. Added bonus: it serves as a bookmark calling attention to the dedication.
posted by mikewas at 2:12 PM on November 10, 2008

nthing tell them. I recently got mentioned in the acknowledgments section of a book, and never would've seen it if I hadn't been told.
posted by never used baby shoes at 2:13 PM on November 10, 2008

Tell them! Of course you should. I think Miss Manners would solve the issue of your feeling tacky about pointing it out by urging your note to read something like

"We know we can never fully repay you for everything you've given us, but we hope this book and dedication suffice to demonstrate our deep appreciation."

Or just sign the dedication page in big purple Sharpie, "With all our love/thanks/etc." And of course a signature, so when they're on a fixed income they can sell it.
posted by dhartung at 2:42 PM on November 10, 2008

Totally tell them. A friend recently dedicated a book to me (one I probably wouldn't have read otherwise), and pointed out the dedication. I was both floored and humbled by the gesture (even broke into tears, but I'm a sap like that).
posted by spinturtle at 3:37 PM on November 10, 2008

Nthing a gift copy with a written note on the relevant page. The note should be the lengthier dedication that you'd have written if you'd had no constraints on space in the book itself.
posted by the latin mouse at 6:23 PM on November 10, 2008

is it tacky to include a note or Post-It flag or some such that directs their attention to their name in the dedication?

Heck no! I'd want to see that! "Thanks for everything you did to help this book become a reality - you were so instrumental to the project that we wanted to thank you on the title page for all to see."

Not tacky! Happy!
posted by Miko at 8:12 PM on November 10, 2008

Okay, so I had this happen to me.

A friend/colleague added me to the short list of names that her book was dedicated to, and I've got to tell you, I was just so honored. I think what happens is that you wonder why *you* were selected for something so really fabulous.

She actually sat me down and showed me her book, and the dedication, and took a minute to explain why. It was actually because of this one moment I helped her when she was going thought a difficult time - I remember it, but I didn't realize how meaningful it was to her, and how important it was to her to thank me. At the moment, I remember telling her that she was most welcome, but I honestly didn't entirely get it, I was just flattered. We also fell out of touch, but I kept the book.

Years later, I'm now, ironically, going through the same difficulty. I now have both friends and colleagues helping me, and I finally get it. I understand why my very small actions were meaningful, because they have meant so much to me, as the recipient of such kindness. People really have the capacity to be wonderful.

The point is, be sure to take a moment to tell them why you are singling them out with this honor - that's the meaningful part.
posted by anitanita at 9:25 AM on November 11, 2008