Should I look her up and contact her after all this time?

November 9, 2008 8:51 AM

I've been out of contact with a certain friend for about five years now. She'd been dealing with bipolar (and relationship) issues for a while before then, but I'd never witnessed any signs myself. On a lark I recently decided to see if she was in the customer database at work, and she was, but I didn't open the profile. I've worried about her from time to time, but while it's tempting, I don't feel like I should look up her contact info that way. Is there any circumstance under which I could or should?

Our mutual friends had fallen out of contact as well, but if any of them have gotten in touch recently, I wouldn't know since I haven't heard from them myself the past few months. So that sort of rules out getting their opinion on the matter.

If it weren't for her personal problems, I'd figure I had nothing to lose by just moving on, and would assume that if she wanted to resume contact, she'd have taken the first step long ago. And I readily admit that calling or writing her from a number/e-mail I found would be too weird.

But considering her (past?) condition, is it possible she'd actually like to hear from an old friend after all this time, regardless of what leads to it? Would it be any different than looking her up in the phone book (AFAIK she's not on any social sites)? Have any of you with first-hand experience in such matters had situations like this? If she'd been going through something when she disappeared, I could see how it might be awkward for her to get in touch again now. Of course, her contact info could be outdated so this could all be moot.

It'd mean a lot to see her again, but I definitely don't want to go about it the wrong way. Any questions, write [e-mail]. Thanks.

posted by anonymous to human relations (13 comments total)

Violation of privacy to use a customer database for anything other than for which it was intended no matter how good your intentions and motives may be. See if you can find a contact for her in some other manner like that thing called google.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:02 AM on November 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

But considering her (past?) condition, is it possible she'd actually like to hear from an old friend after all this time, regardless of what leads to it?

Yes, but not regardless of what leads to it.

Ask your mutual friends (you haven't heard from them in months, but there's no reason why you can't contact them now) for her contact information.
posted by sondrialiac at 9:06 AM on November 9, 2008

I think it's a little weird that you've basically expressed "I'd only be interested in contacting her if she's suffering from a serious illness." I think the reason to contact an old friend is because you'd like to talk to her again and find out what's going on in her life, but I'm having trouble figuring out why that would only apply if the person was ill.

Regardless of that, never mind why she hasn't been in touch with you. Do you want to talk to her or not? If so, try to contact her through legit means. Are you allowed to use your work database for this kind of purpose? If so, use it. If not, find another way to contact her - maybe confirm that her info is available via other means before you use the work database info.
posted by ikkyu2 at 9:09 AM on November 9, 2008

No need to risk your job getting into information this way. Some of these databases have decent auditing trails. Looking up a person's phone or address this way is a god way to lose a job.

If she wants people to contact her, then her information will be out there. If she's decided she wants to be a private person, then it probably isn't.

If you have other methods of getting the information then avail yourself of these. If you don't, then leave her alone.
posted by cjorgensen at 9:11 AM on November 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

there's stories all over the news of people being fired for looking things up they shouldn't in databases. you've already come to terms with the fact that your friend is a little crazy - what's to stop her from freaking the fuck out at your obvious intrusion into her privacy and making trouble for you at the job. find her another way.
posted by nadawi at 9:26 AM on November 9, 2008

Did she give you consent to use her private data in this way? If not, this could all blow up in your face. Not only do you run the risk of your boss finding out, she might not like you poking through the database to find her info.
posted by Solomon at 9:28 AM on November 9, 2008

Depending on where you work, this could be a disastrous idea. I worked in a mail room for a major bank, and getting caught even checking to see if someone was in the database was grounds for immediate firing. By "immediate", I mean that a security guard walked you out of the building the moment it was confirmed. You didn't even get to pack up your stuff; someone would bring it out to you. After getting fired, your name would get on a list that made it virtually impossible to get a job anywhere in the financial industry ever again. This was not just some rule on the books; I've seen it happen.

Of course, your job may take less draconian measures, but unless you own the company, I doubt it's a good idea. Besides, if the person you contact learns how you contacted them, it might really freak them out, especially if they're in a bipolar down-swing.

The only circumstances in which I can imagine violating such rules being worth the risk are ones in which it would generally be a better idea to contact the authorities immediately. So unless you think she's in some sort of trouble with a corrupt police force or something, I would highly recommend against looking up her info in the customer database.
posted by ErWenn at 9:30 AM on November 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

Would it be any different than looking her up in the phone book (AFAIK she's not on any social sites)?
Yes, it would be. Why don't you look her up in the phone book?
posted by Airhen at 10:33 AM on November 9, 2008

I agree with everyone here who says you should not access her profile and you might even lose your job if you did so. That said I also understand how you are more compelled to seek her out because she was going through tough times and the friendship may have lapsed solely because of that as opposed to someone just deciding to let go of a friendship. If Google and mutual friends don't yield results, you might want to try zabasearch. The info can be unreliable, but you might also find a way to call or send her a note.
posted by katemcd at 12:34 PM on November 9, 2008

You're asking two questions:

1) Should I contact her?

Yes, why not? Oh right, #2...

2) Should I use my company's database to do it?

Oh hell no! I wish this wasn't anon so I could find out what company you work for and could never do business for them, and possibly bring down an industry audit just so they could keep things like this from happening internally.

Seriously. This goes well beyond vaguely creepy behavior to a deep violation of privacy and ethics.

You aren't trying very hard. Try harder. Find a way to get her email address that is less dangerous to your job and the future of your friendship.

Now for the unaskedfor advice: You want to contact someone after five years to see if they're okay? Don't ever let them know that. Get in touch with them because you want to renew the friendship not because you want to try to send a "Get well soon?" card 5 years too late. At best her reaction will be "wtf?"
posted by Ookseer at 1:11 PM on November 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

No.
And I'm surprised that you have access to a company database without the training you need to know how wrong this is.

No, I'm not. But seriously. Hold out until someone who's stalking someone offers you real money to risk you job - no. I mean don't break the law for any reason. You are considering a deep violation of privacy and ethics, indeed.

Let me say this again because it's a sore spot with me: NO. Step away from the data.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 9:49 PM on November 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

Wow - and to think no one has suggested the 'for old times sake' card. Using the company database is a bad idea, for all the security / ethical / employment issues raised above. Without knowing what's happened in the last 5 years, it's possible that she's gotten better - or fallen off the deep end. You don't know until you try.

BUT, and this is a big BUT - use the powers of public information already out there. Between Google, Zabasearch, Facebook, and a million other websites it can't that difficult to track someone with even a cursory internet life down. Failing that, the mutual friends and family members can help.

If the only reason is 'for old times sake' then you would be exempted from my creepy scale. A one-time call / e-mail from a person I knew years ago doesn't rank very high anyway. It might even welcome (depending if they were cute). Go ahead and try - but don't use company data, and don't be too disappointed if the trail ends in a dead end of outdated data (which I'd lay 2-1 odds on).
posted by chrisinseoul at 4:13 AM on November 10, 2008

Everyone else has covered the ethical considerations and the general creepiness. Here's something you may not have considered: I have one email that I use for business transactions, and another for personal stuff, so if a personal friend emailed my business address, I'd know immediately something was up. If that friend worked for a company that had any access to my financial/identity information, I'd get their ass fired pronto.
posted by desjardins at 11:42 AM on November 10, 2008 [1 favorite]