What's the best way for my fiancée and I to direct wedding gifts into a mortgage down payment?

November 8, 2008 9:22 PM

What's the best way for my fiancée and I to direct wedding gifts into a mortgage down payment? We'd love all the normal gifts people seem to get when they marry, but it seems a shame to accumulate all that stuff without a nice place to put it. What's the best way to handle this? What are the gift tax issues, if any?
posted by Robson to society & culture (26 comments total)

Preview fails me, and the post title doesn't actually appear on the front page, resulting in a puzzling post. Sorry about that.

My point:
What's the best way for my fiancée and I to direct wedding gifts into a mortgage down payment?
posted by Robson at 9:25 PM on November 8, 2008

Gift tax only comes into play if an individual gives you something exceeding a maximum amount - I think $10,000. This assumes you're in the US.
posted by brain cloud at 9:27 PM on November 8, 2008

Are you asking for logistics of collection as well? Anything besides suggesting cash as the preferred gift seems pointlessly complicated. Lots of people do it. Some people find it tacky, which I've always thought was stupid, but there it is: some people will find it tacky and you may hear about that. Most people couldn't care less, they will happily write you a check or hand you cash for more or less what they would have spent on a present anyway. I know I've seen people bitch about this in Dear Abby etc. several times.

Mentioning specifically it is for a mortgage fund might make people more amenable to it, but who knows with people - some might feel they are being pressured into donating a large amount. I think a simple statement that as you are both working very hard saving for a mortgage down payment (subtly signaling that you're not expecting your guests to foot the whole bill), monetary gifts are greatly appreciated, plus not registering anywhere, will pretty much cover you. Apparently it's a common issue (the first link is good).
posted by nanojath at 10:22 PM on November 8, 2008

What are the gift tax issues, if any?

Are you in the US? The IRS has a tax tip regarding gift taxes on their website. In the US the donor is responsible for gift taxes (if any) rather than the recipient. In addition, there is annual exclusion of $12,000 per person per year. An individual can make gifts up to this amount to as many people as they wish each year without being subject to gift tax. If necessary, you could ask generous donors to direct half of the gift to you and half to your fiancée, allowing them to give the two of you $24,000 without incurring gift tax. The annual exemption rises to $13,000 on January 1, 2009.
posted by RichardP at 10:24 PM on November 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Gifts are just that. A gift. Something that someone chooses to get you to celebrate your big day. Gifts are not an obligation or a donation. There is not a way to ask people to give you cash without being extremely rude. PLUS you open your guests up to very embarrassing amount comparisons, especially if some guests cannot afford to be as generous as they would like to be, or as generous as other guests are.

My advice... don't do it. At all.

One thing you CAN do, is to tell trusted family members like your parents or siblings (if you are close to them) that Cash is an ideal gift and why in case guests ask for suggestions... but only if they ask.

For some reason weddings seem to be a time when the bride and groom start to believe they can make a wide variety of unreasonable requests on the people they love just because they are getting married. If you want to buy a house... save for one. Let your guests celebrate your marriage WITH you, instead of expecting them to finance your future. That way, they can be excited to receive your invitation, and that you want them to be included in their special day, rather than feel like your just milking them for funds. You'll come off as a classy couple and your day will be more special.

Congratulations and good luck! :)
posted by veronicacorningstone at 10:40 PM on November 8, 2008 [19 favorites]

Miss Manners says "there is no polite way to panhandle among your wedding guests." If you do so, people will change their opinion of you.
posted by grouse at 10:47 PM on November 8, 2008 [9 favorites]

there is annual exclusion of $12,000 per person per year.

this is per donor and per donee, i.e. it's very generous and will quite likely cover you completely.
posted by grobstein at 11:15 PM on November 8, 2008

For our wedding, my husband and I simply said, "The only gift we expect is the gift of your presence." That combined with the fact that we didn't register anywhere clued people in that cash was the preferred form of gift in our case.

As veronicacorningstone said, gifts are only gifts when someone wants to give them willingly. We meant it when we said their presence was gift enough. Of course, they knew well that a monetary gift would be much appreciated. But they were more willing to help us out that way because we didn't take it for granted that they'd do so.

If you really want to cover your bases, you can make the suggestion to your parents in case they are asked. Other than that, I wouldn't bring it up.
posted by arishaun at 1:21 AM on November 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

I'm going to chime in to agree with the Miss Manners crowd. A wedding is not an excuse to hit up your friends and family for cash. It's tacky.

You know how you feel when you get hit up for spare change when you're trying to get to work? That weird sort of "I want to help, but please just leave me alone" sort of thing? Yeah...that's what you're doing to everyone you ask for cash. Only, you've made them wear uncomfortable clothes.

Did you pony up escrow for any of the people you want to invite? Pay their gas bill for their birthday? Buy them plug covers for the winter? No? Then don't expect them to pay your bills as a present.

Really, it's in terribly bad form.
posted by dejah420 at 2:12 AM on November 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

A wedding is not an excuse to hit up your friends and family for cash. It's tacky.

This is where we get deep into the territory of "it depends," and how it works will depend on you and your friends/family.

First, the idea that expecting cash at a wedding is a tacky thing is a deeply culturally-bound idea. Meaning, even in the US (never mind in other parts of the world) there are plenty of people for whom cash-filled envelopes are a normal and expected part of the wedding ceremony. Personally I find gift registries tacky, and far prefer to give cash or a gift certificate, but when I'm invited to a wedding with a registry, I go along with the flow.

Usually the money (and any conversations and negotiations about money) are handled by a third party -- a parent, relative, or even best man. This avoids discomfort and tackiness -- you asking for money is tacky; your aunt letting people know that you prefer cash instead of toasters is not.

But as you can see from the above answers, there are a lot of people who feel strongly on this issue, and they may well let you know about it, or just roll their eyes and say nasty things about your perceived tackiness and greed in private.

All that said, I do think that specifying that it is for the mortgage is a bit tacky. Every time I've seen this done, it has either been to fund an around-the-world honeymoon, or simply that "they already have as much stuff as they can possibly use." That doesn't mean that the money is not going to the mortgage -- just that asking for that directly seems to not be what people do.
posted by Forktine at 4:08 AM on November 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

There is a tradition in quite a few countries of pinning money on the bride's dress at the reception. Maybe you could make it a themed wedding?
posted by meosl at 5:40 AM on November 9, 2008

Felicite. It's a wedding registry site that lets you really customize what you want, including mortgage, giving to Greenpeace, a record player, a trip to India, towels. That way you can also register for a few things or donations to your mortgage, etc. And if you register for something really expensive that only one person put some money toward, you can re-allot that money to the mortgage. It's a novel website that also allows you to register for the normal stuff. Check it out.
posted by cachondeo45 at 6:11 AM on November 9, 2008

This is a very loaded question.
I come from an immigrant to the US family, and weddings among our own are always envelope deals - you cover your meal at the reception plus a couple of hundred if you are related, $50 to $100 if you are not. I've been to weddings where the bride dances with all the men and each pays $20 for the honor - that was a hillbilly kind of thing, in a trailer park rec center. Everyone else there seemed to know the deal and came prepared with crisp new bills. Money is the preferred, expected gift - or at least is is not rude, in all the ethnicities I know well, but once people are better established - a few generations in America, more suburban - this is looked on as gauche.

I think it comes from the lack of money, at least at some point in life, being a common demoninator. Heck, we do the same at wakes and funerals - an envelope to the family to help either defray costs or pay for masses said in the deceased honor.

The best you can do without putting anybody's back up is follow arishaun's advice above - don't specify on the invitation, but also don't register anywhere. If asked directly, both families should have similiar talking points "They have everything they need - they're just planning on buying a home soon."
It isn't rocket science, most people will figure it out.

Then do like in my family, or in "Goodfellas" have the maid of honor lug around a sack of some kind with the proceeds. Always good for a laugh when she gets drunk and thinks she lost it.
posted by readery at 7:14 AM on November 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

Some people find it tacky, which I've always thought was stupid, but there it is: some people will find it tacky and you may hear about that. Most people couldn't care less, they will happily write you a check or hand you cash for more or less what they would have spent on a present anyway.

though the balance is shifting, I think you've got your "somes" and your "mosts" backwards, at least amongst WASPy types. And if the OP was from one of those cover your plate / cash gifts at wedding cultures, she probably wouldn't need to ask this question, since she'd know that's what she can expect.

Still, arishaun has the right idea:

For our wedding, my husband and I simply said, "The only gift we expect is the gift of your presence." That combined with the fact that we didn't register anywhere clued people in that cash was the preferred form of gift in our case.

"Oh, we didn't register anywhere, just your presence is gift enough for me" has become WASPy etiquette code for "Please give us cash. We don't want stuff."

Except when it's not-so-coded code for "I really wanted to have my wedding on a remote Caribbean beach, and I know it's costing you a fortune to even show up, so don't worry about buying us a gift, too" but that probably doesn't apply here. If, however, you want a destination wedding AND cash gifts, you're kind of screwed.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:30 AM on November 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

Yeah, seriously, unless you are buying a house in Tackyville, do not do this.

There are a number of reasons people find this sort of thing extremely distasteful. Apart from the bit where it's rude to expect or ask for gifts at all, writing cheques can make the less affluent guests at your wedding uncomfortable. That is not gracious, and makes you a bad host.

Please, just don't.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:27 AM on November 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

I never get the whole "there are cultures out there where money is expected blah blah blah". Yes, I know. And I have been to those weddings. And I do the money thing at those weddings, too. Because that is what is expected.

But if the OP has to ask, then there is a cultural expectation where he/she comes from, too, and it is that there will be a registry, gifts, etc.

There is no good way to ask for money, other than having your parents or you SO's parents inform CLOSE friends and family that you are buying a house. even that rides the line.

Incidentally, I tend to give cash anyhow because I am lazy, but if I am invited to a wedding where the invite says anything about appreciating cash gifts or cash gifts only or whatever (and I have to go to the wedding), I usually go out and buy the biggest floor lamp I can find.
posted by oflinkey at 9:18 AM on November 9, 2008

Register at Bed, Bath and Beyond. They are one of the few places that will give you cash for exchanges, no questions asked even if you don't have a receipt.

You might have to have an excuse ready if a relative stops by and asks where the copper kettle they bought you for your wedding is. But if you're planning on moving soon you might just be off the hook.
posted by Alison at 11:15 AM on November 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

[comments removed - if you can't answer this question without being obnoxious, let someone else do it for you, thank you.]
posted by jessamyn at 11:21 AM on November 9, 2008

We had friends that we gave a "square foot" donation to. It was part of their gift registry. It seemed perfectly normal after having other friends who also specifically did not want "stuff" and had set up a honeymoon registry so you could buy them coffee at a cafe , or rent scuba equipment. I think if you throw a few traditional gifts on the registry for anyone who feels tackified by contributing to a house, you'll be OK. But who knows with weddings. Someone always manages to be offended.
posted by oneirodynia at 12:59 PM on November 9, 2008

BTW, this is in the Bay Area, where people do whatever they want re: weddings.
posted by oneirodynia at 1:01 PM on November 9, 2008

readery said: I come from an immigrant to the US family, and weddings among our own are always envelope deals...

Yeah, on both sides of my family; the Arabic and European immigrant side *and* the WASPy side, it's not uncommon for the patriarch/matriarch to hand an envelope with a sizable check to the celebrants.

However, there's a huge difference between a proud father putting a down payment on a house for his offspring, and asking people for a gift...be it cash or goods. I wasn't doing a very good job of explaining my position earlier; allow to try again:

People who are celebrating anything...weddings, birthdays, etc., have no right to *EXPECT* anything. That gifts are traditionally given is understood, but they should actually be gifts, not demands.

When my husband and I were married, we already had more stuff that we needed. We didn't want household stuff. We made more money than 85% of our friends, and really didn't want those friends who were struggling to face a financial hurdle when it came to celebrating with us.

We chose to elope, and took 4 of our best friends with us. When we returned, we threw a big ol "Whoo Hoo!" party, but said that we wanted "Presence, and not Presents." We also said that if people felt bound and determined to buy something, that they should instead donate that money to a charity that they believed in or make a donation to the no-kill shelter or the woman's shelter if they didn't have a charity of choice.

We had a huge turnout, everyone had a fantastic time, and I didn't have to write a million thank you notes. After the party, I cannot tell you the number of people who said that they really loved the way that I did it, because they didn't feel obligated to reach outside of their financial comfort zone just to be able to say congrats.

The point of this long and anecdotal story is this: Weddings are for the people getting married and the friends and families of those people. They are not a chance to pass the plate, they are not an excuse to go "bridezilla", they are not an excuse for obscene extravagance. They should be a a celebration of two people who love each other so much that they will pledge their lives together in front of Gods and Everyone. It's not an event for which admission should be charged.
posted by dejah420 at 1:40 PM on November 9, 2008

That's admirable, dejah, but we know it's not a majority position. The prevalence of the registry shows that prevailing social understandings of the wedding are more tolerant of asking for gifts. Asking for cash is less mainstream, sure, but it's becoming clear that your more austere position is also an outlier.
posted by grobstein at 3:13 PM on November 9, 2008

Disclosure: not WASP-y, so take with a grain of salt....

It reads to me like some of us are getting sort of judgmental on the OP about how spartan and meaningful a wedding should be, and what makes a wedding tasteful or not.

But I don't know guys. Certainly giving a gift is up to the gift giver. But wouldn't a gift giver want to give a gift that the recipient wants? Isn't that the whole point of a gift registry - you're buying out pre-picked gifts? What is the difference between 75 pre-picked gifts at Macy's worth $3000, and 75 checks worth $3000? It doesn't sound like the OP is 'demanding' cash or 'expects' gifts from people. So let's not project.

OP, I second cachondeo45's idea of Felicite. If i knew that what would help set you up would be $25.00 of cash, I'd go for that.

So why not split the difference: Do Felicite for either a mortgage OR your favorite charity. That way people can 1) decide to give you a gift or not 2) choose what they want to give. If you could include a short note about why you chose the gifts you chose, and state that neither is a requirement, I think that might set a good tone.

Happy Wedding!
posted by anitanita at 5:49 PM on November 9, 2008

We didn't register and asked people not to bring gifts. It might be my husband's Taiwanese relatives that drove the cash contributions, but even on my side we ended up getting a lot of checks. Maybe we were naive, but we did not expect that most people would ignore us and give money. So, pleasant surprise.
posted by crinklebat at 8:09 PM on November 9, 2008

My parents jokingly said they'd write us a check for the balance of the wedding budget if we eloped. We got married on a Thursday in a church with immediate family only. I had a white dress, bouquet, and photographer who was a friend of the family. Went to a nice restaurant after and had cake and a fabulous meal. Best thing we ever did. The whole thing was under $1000 and my folks wrote us the check for the balance. It was the downpayment on our first house.

Seriously, best decision I ever made.
posted by shopefowler at 9:54 PM on November 9, 2008

Oh yeah, and people still threw us showers and gave us gifts from our registry (we'd originally planned a real wedding). Win/win.
posted by shopefowler at 9:57 PM on November 9, 2008