Don't want to be a pity friend

November 8, 2008 10:30 AM

How do I show a new friend that I don't want to be friends anymore?

We gave it a shot and tried to be friends. He took to me more than I to him. But I can't be around this person socially anymore--even though we work together. How do I show him that I'm no longer interested? He's VERY sensitive, and has no other friends.

posted by Jason and Laszlo to Human Relations (14 answers total)

I hate to be the heartbreaker here, but it's not your responsibility to be friends with someone just because they have no other friends. This is a recent revelation for me: I used to assume that I needed to be friends with EVERYBODY and I'm coming to understand that that's not my job. And if he's as sensitive as you say, he'll probably be hurt whether you come right out and say it or just quit calling him back. Either way, he's going to notice. You might just want to do the whole "I've got a lot on my plate right now and I don't think I can take anything more on, but I'll see you at work" thing. Or you might just want to try to be busy any time he's around or he calls. He'll get the hint either way but again, it's not your responsibility to be his friend or lick his wounds. I think I sound insensitive, but during my 28 year long "be friends with everyone" phase, I eventually realized that I need to take care of myself so that I could be a better friend to that small group of people that I really want in my life forever.

Good luck!
posted by cachondeo45 at 11:08 AM on November 8, 2008 [5 favorites]

Not nearly enough information here.

1) how closely do you work together, and who's superior over whom if any?
2) why can't you be around them socially anymore?
3) history of the person's sensitivity - will they cry for 5 minutes? be a suicide risk?
4) what are your ethics? There's a difference between a pity friend and supporting a colleague with challenges - with firm boundaries.
posted by By The Grace of God at 11:10 AM on November 8, 2008

In what way are you friends? Do you hang out a lot? Share confidences? Or just eat lunch together at work sometimes? Why "can't" you be around him anymore? And what do you mean by "sensitive?" You haven't given us a whole lot to go on, and that makes it hard to give you good advice. Can you give us some more information specific to your situation?
posted by decathecting at 11:11 AM on November 8, 2008

Refuse all of his invitations to do anything. It's that simple. If you "gave it a shot" and have done things with him, and he really likes you, I am afraid there's no way to avoid this being uncomfortable. He may have developed some expectations that you will continue to hang out together, and therefore it may be inevitable that he will feel let down by your continued refusal to spend time with him socially. The only question that remains is whether you do this in the too-polite way (possibly leading to misunderstandings and an excruciatingly long period of discomfort and avoiding him), or do you do it in a tactful-and-polite-yet-also-blunt-and-honest way, and make it very clear that you do not want to spend time with him anymore.

The too-polite way [a.k.a. "the cowardly way"]: If you're polite in trying to avoid dealing with him, there may be a period of misunderstanding before he finally comes to his senses and gets the message that you really are not going to be hanging out together anymore. He may think, for example, that you're telling the truth when you say you're "too busy this weekend," so you may hear from him again next weekend, hoping that you are not busy then. If he's particularly dense (or optimistic), it may take quite a while for him to finally figure out the truth, that you don't want to be friends.

The tactful-yet-blunt way [a.k.a. "the mature way"]: Perhaps, to avoid a long, drawn-out period of discomfort and misunderstandings, you should just "fire him as a friend," as humanely and tactfully as possible. It will not be fun, but it need not be terrible. You could say, for example, "I have enjoyed spending time together for the last couple of months, but I've come to the conclusion that our interests and lifestyles are too divergent for us to be close. As nice and smart as I think you are, I don't really see us being a good match socially. So, unfortunately I am not going to be able to hang out anymore."

Yes, considering that your acquaintance is sensitive, the tactful-yet-blunt approach may upset him quite a bit. But the cost in discomfort of saying that once and getting it out in the open, and getting on with your life, will likely be far less than the cost in discomfort of letting him persist in misunderstanding your intentions over a period of months ("oh, he really wants to be my friend, once he gets through this busy period I'm sure we'll start hanging out together a lot"), if you choose not to tell him definitively that "it's over." The fact that he has no other friends makes the likelihood of his optimistic expectations of continuing friendship even more likely.

There's nothing wrong with what you want to do, obviously. Someone who seems initially appealing can turn out to be annoying as hell, once you get to know them. I think the best way, both for you and for him, is the tactful-yet-blunt approach of "firing him as a friend."
posted by jayder at 11:12 AM on November 8, 2008

There's probably a reason he has no other friends.

You could either a] tell him that you don't enjoy his company in a social situation, or b] avoid him. Which seems easier to you?
posted by Solomon at 11:13 AM on November 8, 2008

Response by poster: I didn't want to over-burden with details but it seems more info is needed:

We work for the same company but don't have professional interaction. We talk a lot through iChat.

I can't be around him socially anymore because he admits to not taking his medication, then acts immature at social events. It's embarrassing and I feel like it's babysitting.

Sensitivity: he's very insecure and has low self-esteem. Self-conscious and self-critical to a degree i've never seen before.

Now that we hang out socially, outside of work, I realize our personalities don't match and I'm constantly perplexed by the things that come out of his mouth.

thanks
posted by Jason and Laszlo at 11:17 AM on November 8, 2008

thanks for the clarification, here's the answer i would give -

"I think you are being self destructive by not taking your medication and my own life experience has taught me that I can't be a party to/enabler of this behaviour - so I think we need to take a break and see if you can break the cycle of self destructive behaviour and get on track with your healing work. I can't do that work, but here's a good therapist I/a friend/a relative used. I really support you and am cheering you on but I do want to take a break here - let's both respect these boundaries and only interact at work. I DON'T hate you at all and think you're a great person, and I hope that you can make the right choices. Let's grab a coffee in a few months and see how you're doing.

Be careful about set and setting when you do this.

Be respectful and supportive of the person with a mental health problem.
posted by By The Grace of God at 11:25 AM on November 8, 2008 [6 favorites]

Accept that regardless of how you do it, this person isn't going to take it gracefully. My recommendation is to do what's easiest and least painful for you. You have absolutely zero obligation to let him down gently or recommend a therapist. You can just smile and nod in the hallway and keep on walking. Stop overthinking this and worry about your happiness.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 11:42 AM on November 8, 2008

I can't be around him socially anymore because he admits to not taking his medication, then acts immature at social events.

Funny you say this. When I wrote my above answer, I had in mind someone I knew who was irritating as hell and admitted to not taking his ADHD meds. And the guy I was thinking of, at least, was not the type of person to take a hint.
posted by jayder at 11:54 AM on November 8, 2008

I live with someone with ADHD and I can tell when he's off his meds. There's no need to babysit him; if his behavior is immature, he will reap the natural consequences of it and trying to protect him from that just enables the behavior. I would say something like, "Look, I think you're a good guy, but it makes me anxious/annoyed when you [interrupt me, say inappropriate things]. It embarrassed me when you [grabbed the waitress' ass]. I see these things more often when you're not taking your medication, and it's hard for me to be around you." This last line is intended to let him know that it's not HIM, it's his behavior when he's not on meds. ADHD folks take it very personal because they've been told all their lives that they're stupid and lazy and immature, so they feel defective. If the medication improves their social skills, and people let them know this, in my experience it helps them understand that they're not inherently defective and that it's a brain chemistry thing. You'll do him a favor.
posted by desjardins at 12:16 PM on November 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Just stop inviting him out and stop going out with him if he invites you.
posted by k8t at 12:52 PM on November 8, 2008

I think the key detail is the meds thing. It will actually help him to be told, flat out, that's he's an unsocialized ass when he's off his meds, because he probably doesn't quite realize it. So, be kind, but do tell him that's the reason -- that you can't be around him if he's not on his meds. That gives your friendship a chance to renew if he does get his shit together meds-wise. Do still phrase the message in terms of you, though, and not quite so much in terms of him.

"When you're not taking your meds, I find being with you makes me stressed and anxious. I can't just relax and hang out because I always feel I have to be watching over you. I think you're a good person, and I like you, but I don't feel I can hang out with you while you're not taking your meds. I'm sorry."
posted by jacquilynne at 1:58 PM on November 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Yeah, what k8t said. I would avoid giving an "it's in your best interests to know these things that make it impossible for us to be friends" speech. It increases the intimacy and intensity of your relationship when you want to decrease it (if you were in a romantic relationship that you wanted to fix, that would be different), and it could seem judgmental or condescending no matter how well you deliver it, which is the last thing you want to have as your last social interaction before you try to completely cut off contact.
posted by salvia at 2:29 PM on November 8, 2008

You're going to hurt his feelings no matter what you do. No one likes to hear that someone doesn't want to be friends anymore.

In this case, not returning calls and making excuses is probably the cruellest way to go about it, for many reasons. Someone with good social skills will take the hint quickly, and probably get the message after two blow-offs. Someone with a lot of friends won't put as much importance on one friendship. But someone who's socially inept might try five or six times, because they don't pick up on social cues as readily. So every time you blow him off, he'll feel hurt all over again. He also won't learn anything if you just blow him off. Once he finally gets the picture, he'll probably just think, "I'm a terrible person, and nobody wants to be friends with me."

It's not your job to help this guy, so you're well within your rights to just stop answering his calls. But if you care about this guy's feelings at all, you might as well rip the bandaid off, so to speak, and give it to him all at once. I don't want to hang out with you anymore. That will save him the pain of slowly coming to the realization himself. And if you're really feeling altruistic, you can tell him why, as clearly and concretely and non-judgementally as possible, so he doesn't make the same mistake next time. He'll be angry and hurt, but that's going to happen no matter what.

When I was younger, and more passive, I often took the path of least resistance, and it didn't always work well. I've seen it work badly for other people, too.
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 5:07 PM on November 8, 2008 [2 favorites]