I do a cute stranger a very very small favor. He then offers to buy me coffee. Was he asking me out? Or just being nice?
November 8, 2008 12:08 AM Subscribe
I copied my notes for a guy I think is intriguing, in a university class of mine. He then says "I should buy you a coffee or something" for having done said favor as he walks out RIGHT behind me after class. I said, "no, no it's okay...it wasn't that difficult printing the pages out." I just assumed he was trying to be nice. We then walked and talked from class. And did so the next class as well (it's only been two classes since we made the connection, and I think I am making it obvious that I am interested in him). And both classes, I have walked out without waiting for him, and he is RIGHT behind me...which leads to us walking and talking together. Some cues suggest he likes me, but some suggest that he doesn't...but I'm so oblivious and tend to assume guys don't like me, that I'm at a loss here. The Extended Explanation gives a much better, and hopefully entertaining, picture of the situation. But if nothing else...someone please tell me if he was just being nice with the coffee thing, or was he actually wanting to hang out?! For the sake of love, help.
I'm oblivious to guys liking me mostly because I just assume they aren’t interested. I know, I know, I’m working on changing that mind set because usually I find out much too late that they do or did like me, and I never knew it because I was too busy thinking they didn’t!
Anyway, while I’m an outgoing, social person when I am comfortable, I shut down around guys that I like and that I don’t know. So that’s where my dilemma starts. Sorry its long, but I need some unbiased advice, as in not the kind that sounds like “of course he likes you!” that comes from my friends.
I think a guy in a small class of mine at the university is very intriguing and interesting looking. I am sucking it up, (as much as I can) and trying so hard to put myself out there…But since I’m oblivious I feel like I’m passing up the signs that he might like me, and exaggerating the ones where I think he might not.
Everyone usually sits in the same seats in class. One day, however…he didn’t sit in his ordinary seat. Low and Behold…I walked into the classroom, and he was sitting right next to where I always sit! And his old seat was still available, although, I’m not sure why he moved. (Better view of the board?) He proceeded to ask me about the previous class he missed and I said I’d bring him the notes I took. He was super smiley and all that good stuff, but I was really shy and didn’t continue with the small talk he seemed to be pursuing.
I brought the notes next class. The second he saw me, he smiled. He thanked me over and over again. Then, after class I walked out, not intending to walk out with him, but hoping he would follow and…He was RIGHT behind me out the door, and said, again, as I turned to hold the door open, “that was so nice of you. I should buy you a coffee or something.” I said, “no, no-its okay, it wasn’t a big deal.”
He then said, “but that you even did it.” And that was that. We walked and talked to our next destinations and I ended up introducing myself at the end of our walk, and inviting him to a study group thing, but he was going home for the weekend. He had also said something that made me think he doesn’t have a girlfriend…although a boyfriend isn’t out of the picture yet!!
Next class…He sits in the same seat next to me. He smiles really big and says hi. I then initiate a conversation about the election. We talk about it for a bit, both really excited. Then it ends. We are both quiet. Awkward. I walk out of class, again not making a point to walk with him…but he is right behind me and we walk together from class. We laugh, we smile. We get to a point where he says “where are you going” and I say to the library and he says he is going the opposite way, but will walk with me. He doesn’t walk me all the way to the library door, but does go out of his way.
Is he interested? As friends? Am I bothering him and being too obvious??? Should I continue showing interest?
I mean, when he asked about coffee…was he asking me out, or offering to pay me back? Why didn’t he pursue the coffee idea? (Granted I did say no, but I said it like: no, no you don’t owe me coffee for that little thing. And, furthermore, I thought he was just being nice with the offer…It didn’t dawn on me until I was driving home that most people haven’t offered to buy me coffee for giving them notes.
Any help would be wonderfully appreciated.
I'm oblivious to guys liking me mostly because I just assume they aren’t interested. I know, I know, I’m working on changing that mind set because usually I find out much too late that they do or did like me, and I never knew it because I was too busy thinking they didn’t!
Anyway, while I’m an outgoing, social person when I am comfortable, I shut down around guys that I like and that I don’t know. So that’s where my dilemma starts. Sorry its long, but I need some unbiased advice, as in not the kind that sounds like “of course he likes you!” that comes from my friends.
I think a guy in a small class of mine at the university is very intriguing and interesting looking. I am sucking it up, (as much as I can) and trying so hard to put myself out there…But since I’m oblivious I feel like I’m passing up the signs that he might like me, and exaggerating the ones where I think he might not.
Everyone usually sits in the same seats in class. One day, however…he didn’t sit in his ordinary seat. Low and Behold…I walked into the classroom, and he was sitting right next to where I always sit! And his old seat was still available, although, I’m not sure why he moved. (Better view of the board?) He proceeded to ask me about the previous class he missed and I said I’d bring him the notes I took. He was super smiley and all that good stuff, but I was really shy and didn’t continue with the small talk he seemed to be pursuing.
I brought the notes next class. The second he saw me, he smiled. He thanked me over and over again. Then, after class I walked out, not intending to walk out with him, but hoping he would follow and…He was RIGHT behind me out the door, and said, again, as I turned to hold the door open, “that was so nice of you. I should buy you a coffee or something.” I said, “no, no-its okay, it wasn’t a big deal.”
He then said, “but that you even did it.” And that was that. We walked and talked to our next destinations and I ended up introducing myself at the end of our walk, and inviting him to a study group thing, but he was going home for the weekend. He had also said something that made me think he doesn’t have a girlfriend…although a boyfriend isn’t out of the picture yet!!
Next class…He sits in the same seat next to me. He smiles really big and says hi. I then initiate a conversation about the election. We talk about it for a bit, both really excited. Then it ends. We are both quiet. Awkward. I walk out of class, again not making a point to walk with him…but he is right behind me and we walk together from class. We laugh, we smile. We get to a point where he says “where are you going” and I say to the library and he says he is going the opposite way, but will walk with me. He doesn’t walk me all the way to the library door, but does go out of his way.
Is he interested? As friends? Am I bothering him and being too obvious??? Should I continue showing interest?
I mean, when he asked about coffee…was he asking me out, or offering to pay me back? Why didn’t he pursue the coffee idea? (Granted I did say no, but I said it like: no, no you don’t owe me coffee for that little thing. And, furthermore, I thought he was just being nice with the offer…It didn’t dawn on me until I was driving home that most people haven’t offered to buy me coffee for giving them notes.
Any help would be wonderfully appreciated.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex
YES HE LIKES YOU.
Or not.
There's one way to find out.
posted by grouse at 12:22 AM on November 8, 2008
Or not.
There's one way to find out.
posted by grouse at 12:22 AM on November 8, 2008
Scody: Yes, that advice is superb...but it's extremely hard for me, at this point, to put into action. If I have NO idea that he likes me while getting coffee...I will shut down again...(and when I mean shut down, I literally shut down--I can't help it; it's not rational, otherwise I would be able to stop...like I said, I'm working on it, but in baby steps...=)
If I think he is somewhat interested though, and I have some security there, I can open up....But if I ask him, I will just be worried the whole time that he came just because he felt like he had to, or he had nothing better to do...If he asked me to coffee again, I'd have all I needed to not feel like I'm a fool stalking him. And right now, I can only do baby steps! That I even talked to him in the first place is HUGE!
Thank you, though, for even taking the time to post! I appreciate it, and am so glad you have gotten past this torturous stage!
posted by lolovivi at 12:26 AM on November 8, 2008
If I think he is somewhat interested though, and I have some security there, I can open up....But if I ask him, I will just be worried the whole time that he came just because he felt like he had to, or he had nothing better to do...If he asked me to coffee again, I'd have all I needed to not feel like I'm a fool stalking him. And right now, I can only do baby steps! That I even talked to him in the first place is HUGE!
Thank you, though, for even taking the time to post! I appreciate it, and am so glad you have gotten past this torturous stage!
posted by lolovivi at 12:26 AM on November 8, 2008
Jeez. Yeah, he's into you. Guys don't follow girls around, make small talk, try to sit next to them, invite them to coffe and walk blocks out of thier way jut to be near them unless then like them!
How much more obvious does he need to be?
posted by Ookseer at 12:32 AM on November 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
How much more obvious does he need to be?
posted by Ookseer at 12:32 AM on November 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
If he just wanted to express gratitude there are lots of ways to do that that don't involve spending time with you. He had a convenient excuse to spend more time with you while also expressing his appreciation, and took it!
'Interested' or no, I'd say he wants to spend time with you - and you seem to want to spend time with him - so why not?
posted by Lady Li at 12:46 AM on November 8, 2008
'Interested' or no, I'd say he wants to spend time with you - and you seem to want to spend time with him - so why not?
posted by Lady Li at 12:46 AM on November 8, 2008
I'm sympathetic to the guy and think you should give him a chance, unless you're getting vibes that he's a creep. Just stop worrying and let him make some small talk and see where it goes. No need to get all wrapped up; just learn to live in the moment.
posted by crapmatic at 12:54 AM on November 8, 2008
posted by crapmatic at 12:54 AM on November 8, 2008
This post bothers me a bit. I understand that you're shy and don't usually ask guys out. But how can you think you're being "too obvious"? He asked you out for coffee, you refused, and you expected him to ask you again. I believe that's called subtlety.
On preview, I agree with chillmost. Ball's in your court.
posted by theiconoclast31 at 12:56 AM on November 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
On preview, I agree with chillmost. Ball's in your court.
posted by theiconoclast31 at 12:56 AM on November 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
I took the ball actually... I was the last person to ask him to do something (the study group thing that he couldn't make), and the fact that I offered to print out my notes for him, and actually remembered a week later to do it...and did it even though you can borrow the notes at the library for two hours, says I was thinking about him and would do anything to make some connection with him. So yeah, I do think it was obvious. So I feel like a fool asking him to do something again, when he could easily ask me if he wanted.
And as for the coffee thing, I think it was obvious I was saying no simply out of courtesy, as in: "no, it's okay, you don't owe me anything." I'm bummed he didn't dismiss my downplay of the favor, and continue with "no, really, it was nice...I'd like to get you a coffee." I would have said, okay to that! But maybe that is asking too much? I don't know, I'm new at this.
So really, he BARELY asked me out: "I SHOULD buy you a coffee" and the second I say it's okay, he doesn't owe me, He drops it. So that's why I wonder if the reason he offered was because he SAW that I was into him, and he saw that I really did go out of my way when it wasn't really even necessary.
bleh.
Thank you everyone, for all for your comments, and taking the time to help me out, even if it seems petty and obvious to some!
posted by lolovivi at 1:21 AM on November 8, 2008
And as for the coffee thing, I think it was obvious I was saying no simply out of courtesy, as in: "no, it's okay, you don't owe me anything." I'm bummed he didn't dismiss my downplay of the favor, and continue with "no, really, it was nice...I'd like to get you a coffee." I would have said, okay to that! But maybe that is asking too much? I don't know, I'm new at this.
So really, he BARELY asked me out: "I SHOULD buy you a coffee" and the second I say it's okay, he doesn't owe me, He drops it. So that's why I wonder if the reason he offered was because he SAW that I was into him, and he saw that I really did go out of my way when it wasn't really even necessary.
bleh.
Thank you everyone, for all for your comments, and taking the time to help me out, even if it seems petty and obvious to some!
posted by lolovivi at 1:21 AM on November 8, 2008
I mean this in a nice way, just to get you to consider something: What are you looking for out of this post?
If the answers here convinced you that he did like you, would you act differently around him?
If they convinced you he didn't, would you avoid the coffee?
I would say that both of those courses of action would be wrong. Go for the coffee, stay agnostic about whether he likes you. That will in fact give a better impression than being overly flirtatious.
posted by Not Supplied at 1:31 AM on November 8, 2008
If the answers here convinced you that he did like you, would you act differently around him?
If they convinced you he didn't, would you avoid the coffee?
I would say that both of those courses of action would be wrong. Go for the coffee, stay agnostic about whether he likes you. That will in fact give a better impression than being overly flirtatious.
posted by Not Supplied at 1:31 AM on November 8, 2008
He likes you. Coffee for no reason w/ someone you don't know = "you're cute."
posted by paultopia at 1:45 AM on November 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by paultopia at 1:45 AM on November 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
the "not supplied" poster ...thank you. You said some things that were refreshing. While actually truly finding out he is romantically interested in me wouldn't lead me to act overly flirtatious--just more secure and therefore able to keep from shutting down, as I tend to do--people's responses here, or anywhere, won't likely change anything.
I was frantically looking for answers, because I don't do well with uncertainty--especially when putting myself out somewhere that is very very difficult for me...However, Your post did make me realize that There is no way around it...I WILL live with uncertainty regardless of the answers I get on here. Regardless of the cues I read into.
Trying to find answers is just a way for me to feel more productive: more in control of a situation that is very scary for me. While this realization doesn't help me figure out what to do regarding him, or any guy for that matter, or how to not shut down, (like I said, this isn't something I can just get over. It's been with me since I was young, it's deep rooted and stems from significant painful issues that won't just disappear because I wish them too) but this realization your post directed me towards will probably help me stop obsessing about it. One step towards being more acceptant of uncertainty. Thanks for the cool water.
posted by lolovivi at 1:52 AM on November 8, 2008
I was frantically looking for answers, because I don't do well with uncertainty--especially when putting myself out somewhere that is very very difficult for me...However, Your post did make me realize that There is no way around it...I WILL live with uncertainty regardless of the answers I get on here. Regardless of the cues I read into.
Trying to find answers is just a way for me to feel more productive: more in control of a situation that is very scary for me. While this realization doesn't help me figure out what to do regarding him, or any guy for that matter, or how to not shut down, (like I said, this isn't something I can just get over. It's been with me since I was young, it's deep rooted and stems from significant painful issues that won't just disappear because I wish them too) but this realization your post directed me towards will probably help me stop obsessing about it. One step towards being more acceptant of uncertainty. Thanks for the cool water.
posted by lolovivi at 1:52 AM on November 8, 2008
I think he likes you, but he's just as paranoid that you may not like him. I get what you're saying about the way you said no to coffee - you were being coy, he was supposed to insist, and then it would have been clear as day to you - however, unfortunately all he heard was 'no.' And then guess what - he shut down.
When you invited him to a study group, he also took that to mean you didn't want to hang out alone, like he originally intended.
Without knowing it, you're giving him signals that you would like to be friends but nothing more. Think about it.
I second that next time you see him, say 'how bout that coffee?' He will be really happy you came around, because I'm most certain he is interested.
posted by infinityjinx at 2:02 AM on November 8, 2008
When you invited him to a study group, he also took that to mean you didn't want to hang out alone, like he originally intended.
Without knowing it, you're giving him signals that you would like to be friends but nothing more. Think about it.
I second that next time you see him, say 'how bout that coffee?' He will be really happy you came around, because I'm most certain he is interested.
posted by infinityjinx at 2:02 AM on November 8, 2008
I'll second that he's showing interest at being at least friendly. I think you're trying to jump ahead to far at this point. Let the friendship part develop and keep talking. Try not to build it up to much or overanalyze, but be relaxed. He's maybe trying to scope out your situation as well. It seems a bit like lazy alternative social interaction, but for us introverts, it can be a helpful tool for stealthy reconnaissance: Facebook.
posted by five_dollars at 2:07 AM on November 8, 2008
posted by five_dollars at 2:07 AM on November 8, 2008
You are right five dollars. I am jumping WAY ahead. time to slow it down. I just worry, because we only have several classes left so I don't want to let the chance pass me by. But I definitely am jumping to far ahead. Thanks for pointing that out.
posted by lolovivi at 2:15 AM on November 8, 2008
posted by lolovivi at 2:15 AM on November 8, 2008
He likes you AND is not being a jerk about it. Ask him out, and pick a concrete activity (something like cinema or bowling) to help things run smoothly if one of you is too nervous for coffee and small talk.
posted by ghost of a past number at 2:24 AM on November 8, 2008
posted by ghost of a past number at 2:24 AM on November 8, 2008
Newsflash: romance is risky. There is no escape. You don't get to be completely safe, to control the situation, and be in a romance. Ever. Period.
posted by jon1270 at 2:52 AM on November 8, 2008
posted by jon1270 at 2:52 AM on November 8, 2008
Get off the internet and find his phone number, call him and ask him about going to get that coffee. He is totally and obviously hitting on you because he thinks you're pretty and interesting and wants to get to know you better.
Next time, listen to your friends.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:00 AM on November 8, 2008
Next time, listen to your friends.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:00 AM on November 8, 2008
The train-signals metaphor might be of use to you.
If you're driving a train, what you need to do is determined by the next signal you see. Is it red? Stop the train. Is it green? On you go. There is absolutely no need to worry about the state of all the signals between you and the next station. Most of them are, in any case, around bends in the track that you can't see from here. Just work with the next signal you can see.
Try not to overthink this plate of coffee beans.
posted by flabdablet at 3:00 AM on November 8, 2008 [4 favorites]
If you're driving a train, what you need to do is determined by the next signal you see. Is it red? Stop the train. Is it green? On you go. There is absolutely no need to worry about the state of all the signals between you and the next station. Most of them are, in any case, around bends in the track that you can't see from here. Just work with the next signal you can see.
Try not to overthink this plate of coffee beans.
posted by flabdablet at 3:00 AM on November 8, 2008 [4 favorites]
I second that next time you see him, say 'how bout that coffee?'
Thirded. Next time he follows you out of the classroom and starts walking with you, take that as a sign he is interested and say, as above, "so, still interested in that coffee?". I'm pretty much certain the answer will be yes, and then you are on your way... :)
posted by ranglin at 3:33 AM on November 8, 2008
Thirded. Next time he follows you out of the classroom and starts walking with you, take that as a sign he is interested and say, as above, "so, still interested in that coffee?". I'm pretty much certain the answer will be yes, and then you are on your way... :)
posted by ranglin at 3:33 AM on November 8, 2008
He asked you for coffee, and you turned him down and he thinks he's in the friend zone.
Ask him to coffee, and make sure to mention you're single.
posted by orthogonality at 4:28 AM on November 8, 2008
Ask him to coffee, and make sure to mention you're single.
posted by orthogonality at 4:28 AM on November 8, 2008
Instead of focusing solely on romance, why don't you just concentrate on being friends with this guy? He sounds interesting and you have stuff in common to talk about (your classes, the uni, the people there). He obviously thinks you're worth getting to know - maybe becoming more familiar with each other will lead to more and maybe it wont, but neither of you will know unless you take that first step. Go for coffee with him, get to know him as a friend, THEN you can worry about all the other stuff. Even if it doesn't go any further you'll have got yourself a pal out of it. Men don't just have to be viewed as potential relationship material, you know, he's a human being first and foremost. Plus, if he becomes your friend, you can have a male perspective on things when you next have these kinds of dilemmas!
Obviously that last comment was flippant, but seriously, you don't sound like you've had much contact with men in your life yet. Getting to know a few guys without all the pressure of 'does he like me in that way' might make you less wary of the whole boy/girl relationship thing altogether. Men can be wonderful friends, wonderful PEOPLE, who can support and nurture you just as much as your female friends. Give it a try.
Apologies if any of the above sounds patronising. I'm just trying to encourage you to deal with him as a person, not a potential relationship. I say again, give it a try!
posted by meosl at 4:46 AM on November 8, 2008
Obviously that last comment was flippant, but seriously, you don't sound like you've had much contact with men in your life yet. Getting to know a few guys without all the pressure of 'does he like me in that way' might make you less wary of the whole boy/girl relationship thing altogether. Men can be wonderful friends, wonderful PEOPLE, who can support and nurture you just as much as your female friends. Give it a try.
Apologies if any of the above sounds patronising. I'm just trying to encourage you to deal with him as a person, not a potential relationship. I say again, give it a try!
posted by meosl at 4:46 AM on November 8, 2008
He took a risk asking you out, you shot him down, whether you meant to or not. If he's as shy as you are, he's not going to ask again. You asking him to a study group is by far not the same thing. Ask him if he's still up for that coffee.
posted by norabarnacl3 at 5:10 AM on November 8, 2008
posted by norabarnacl3 at 5:10 AM on November 8, 2008
Yeah, you are WAY overthinking this. Also:
So yeah, I do think it was obvious. So I feel like a fool asking him to do something again, when he could easily ask me if he wanted.
And as for the coffee thing, I think it was obvious I was saying no simply out of courtesy, as in: "no, it's okay, you don't owe me anything." I'm bummed he didn't dismiss my downplay of the favor, and continue with "no, really, it was nice...I'd like to get you a coffee." I would have said, okay to that! But maybe that is asking too much? I don't know, I'm new at this.
In case you are still under the misapprehension that you were being obvious, you were not being obvious. Here, let me repeat: you were not being obvious. Trust me, your actions and words were not clear and unambiguous, regardless of what was going on in your head.
Assuming you are in the US, don't say "no" expecting someone to keep asking until you say "yes." (There are places in which that is normal -- where you always say "no" and let the other person insist -- but that is not expected in the US. If you are living elsewhere, then obviously the rules are different.) So if you want to say "no, it's okay, you don't owe me anything" then say that. And if you want to go and hang out with the cute guy, say "yes." He's not a mindreader, and can't be expected to parse all the possible meanings of "no, thanks" for the one you are wanting him to magically understand.
So you failed in communicating clearly with him, and you are overthinking the whole thing.
The good news is that the situation is far from lost -- all you have to do is, at the next class (or send an email or text him or whatever you are comfortable with) just ask him, "so, is that offer of a coffee still good?"
But the truth is that even then you won't know for sure if he is interested in you, or if he is just a friendly guy who felt indebted over the notes and wanted to repay with a coffee. Human beings are complex and confusing creatures; I don't think you'll ever have the kind of clarity that you seem to be looking for except in situations like online dating, where everyone announces their intentions up front and center.
posted by Forktine at 5:14 AM on November 8, 2008
So yeah, I do think it was obvious. So I feel like a fool asking him to do something again, when he could easily ask me if he wanted.
And as for the coffee thing, I think it was obvious I was saying no simply out of courtesy, as in: "no, it's okay, you don't owe me anything." I'm bummed he didn't dismiss my downplay of the favor, and continue with "no, really, it was nice...I'd like to get you a coffee." I would have said, okay to that! But maybe that is asking too much? I don't know, I'm new at this.
In case you are still under the misapprehension that you were being obvious, you were not being obvious. Here, let me repeat: you were not being obvious. Trust me, your actions and words were not clear and unambiguous, regardless of what was going on in your head.
Assuming you are in the US, don't say "no" expecting someone to keep asking until you say "yes." (There are places in which that is normal -- where you always say "no" and let the other person insist -- but that is not expected in the US. If you are living elsewhere, then obviously the rules are different.) So if you want to say "no, it's okay, you don't owe me anything" then say that. And if you want to go and hang out with the cute guy, say "yes." He's not a mindreader, and can't be expected to parse all the possible meanings of "no, thanks" for the one you are wanting him to magically understand.
So you failed in communicating clearly with him, and you are overthinking the whole thing.
The good news is that the situation is far from lost -- all you have to do is, at the next class (or send an email or text him or whatever you are comfortable with) just ask him, "so, is that offer of a coffee still good?"
But the truth is that even then you won't know for sure if he is interested in you, or if he is just a friendly guy who felt indebted over the notes and wanted to repay with a coffee. Human beings are complex and confusing creatures; I don't think you'll ever have the kind of clarity that you seem to be looking for except in situations like online dating, where everyone announces their intentions up front and center.
posted by Forktine at 5:14 AM on November 8, 2008
Coffee is almost never just coffee. It is a safe way ask someone out without really putting yourself on the line. He likes you.
posted by a22lamia at 5:37 AM on November 8, 2008
posted by a22lamia at 5:37 AM on November 8, 2008
You're doing everything in your power to not actually go on a date with this guy. You're not only overthinking this to death, you're also wasting your time responding to people in this thread when you could be talking to this guy and asking him out. Stop fearing rejection that hasn't happened yet. Stop hoping this guy to get into your head and piece you all together. He doesn't know you well enough to do that yet.
Seriously, guys do not walk blocks out of their way to be nice. Some guys like to show their affection through service oriented tasks rather than say it out loud. His walking out of his way is his way of showing that he likes you. You turned him down for a date but he's not giving up on you let. He still likes you (and, probably, he'd probably post a similar question to this one on ask.me trying to understand exactly why YOU are behaving the way you are).
Ask him out. If he then rejects you then, this guy is a complete putz who likes playing girls and doesn't deserve your time. If he says yes, there ya go. It's not that you're being shy - you're being self-defeating and that is a waste of time.
posted by Stynxno at 5:49 AM on November 8, 2008 [2 favorites]
Seriously, guys do not walk blocks out of their way to be nice. Some guys like to show their affection through service oriented tasks rather than say it out loud. His walking out of his way is his way of showing that he likes you. You turned him down for a date but he's not giving up on you let. He still likes you (and, probably, he'd probably post a similar question to this one on ask.me trying to understand exactly why YOU are behaving the way you are).
Ask him out. If he then rejects you then, this guy is a complete putz who likes playing girls and doesn't deserve your time. If he says yes, there ya go. It's not that you're being shy - you're being self-defeating and that is a waste of time.
posted by Stynxno at 5:49 AM on November 8, 2008 [2 favorites]
It doesn't matter what he wants. What matters is what you want. If you base your actions and feelings on what another person might want or feel, you will never be at ease, you will always be wondering, you will live with uncertainty.
What do you want? Do you like him? (And if so, think about why you like him -- make sure it isn't because he's shown interest in you.) Do you want to spend time with him? If you like him and want to spend time with him, then follow through on the coffee.
It's about what you want, not about trying to read "signals" about what he wants.
posted by headnsouth at 5:55 AM on November 8, 2008
What do you want? Do you like him? (And if so, think about why you like him -- make sure it isn't because he's shown interest in you.) Do you want to spend time with him? If you like him and want to spend time with him, then follow through on the coffee.
It's about what you want, not about trying to read "signals" about what he wants.
posted by headnsouth at 5:55 AM on November 8, 2008
This is a question that shouldn't be asked. The very fact that you're thinking this through so much is the problem.
There is absolutely no way that he was just randomly offering a brown, caffeinated beverage as some sort of contractual exchange for the benefit you gave him. He asked you out to "coffee" because he wanted to get to know you better.
Does that mean he "likes" you? Well, as headnsouth said, why is that the question? Figure out what you want, and then do that.
You're a human being with your own emotions/desires/goals, you have free will, and you are allowed to do whatever you want as long as it's not illegal, unethical, or mean. There's no rule that says he has to do this or you have to do that. It's up to you to DO WHAT YOU WANT.
Since you're even asking the question, it's pretty clear that what you want is to go back in time and say yes to coffee. You can't go back in time -- but you sort of can. You can still have coffee with him. So do it.
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:07 AM on November 8, 2008
There is absolutely no way that he was just randomly offering a brown, caffeinated beverage as some sort of contractual exchange for the benefit you gave him. He asked you out to "coffee" because he wanted to get to know you better.
Does that mean he "likes" you? Well, as headnsouth said, why is that the question? Figure out what you want, and then do that.
You're a human being with your own emotions/desires/goals, you have free will, and you are allowed to do whatever you want as long as it's not illegal, unethical, or mean. There's no rule that says he has to do this or you have to do that. It's up to you to DO WHAT YOU WANT.
Since you're even asking the question, it's pretty clear that what you want is to go back in time and say yes to coffee. You can't go back in time -- but you sort of can. You can still have coffee with him. So do it.
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:07 AM on November 8, 2008
The thing about the coffee thing, and any assumptions you make about how clear you were in your communications, is that he's probably sitting around having almost precisely the same thoughts about this as you are.
"I wonder if she likes me? She seemed really friendly, and even copied her notes for me. But then I asked her for coffee and she was just all 'no'. But then she was friendly and talkative again the next class. So now what? Does she like me? Can I ask her out again?"
He didn't necessarily hear your no the way you meant it because frankly, in the way you've described the situation, he was 99.98% asking you out, and he didn't hear 'No, that's okay, the small favor I've done for you doesn't warrant you buying me coffee' all he heard was 'no'. Many people aren't a whole lot more confident than you are in how they interpret likes/doesn't like situations, not a whole lot more unambiguous when they think they're sending those signals loud and clear.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:29 AM on November 8, 2008
"I wonder if she likes me? She seemed really friendly, and even copied her notes for me. But then I asked her for coffee and she was just all 'no'. But then she was friendly and talkative again the next class. So now what? Does she like me? Can I ask her out again?"
He didn't necessarily hear your no the way you meant it because frankly, in the way you've described the situation, he was 99.98% asking you out, and he didn't hear 'No, that's okay, the small favor I've done for you doesn't warrant you buying me coffee' all he heard was 'no'. Many people aren't a whole lot more confident than you are in how they interpret likes/doesn't like situations, not a whole lot more unambiguous when they think they're sending those signals loud and clear.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:29 AM on November 8, 2008
OH FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE--
ASK HIM OUT FOR COFFEE YOU DORK.
posted by JimN2TAW at 6:29 AM on November 8, 2008 [2 favorites]
ASK HIM OUT FOR COFFEE YOU DORK.
posted by JimN2TAW at 6:29 AM on November 8, 2008 [2 favorites]
I said, “no, no-its okay, it wasn’t a big deal.”
Then, after class I walked out, not intending to walk out with him
I walk out of class, again not making a point to walk with him…
Should I continue showing interest?
LOL, you are not showing interest.
I took the ball actually... I was the last person to ask him to do something (the study group thing that he couldn't make), and the fact that I offered to print out my notes for him, and actually remembered a week later to do it...and did it even though you can borrow the notes at the library for two hours, says I was thinking about him and would do anything to make some connection with him. So yeah, I do think it was obvious. So I feel like a fool asking him to do something again, when he could easily ask me if he wanted.
Uhhh... not the same, and not obvious. You have shown that you at least thought about him, but you haven't shown interest in him as none of those things would let you learn anything about him, the way his actions do for you. Ball's still in your court.
Let's see, in terms of wanting to learn about the other person, he's followed you out of the class to chat when you haven't shown him a second thought (twice!), he's offered to get you a coffee, and he's walked in the opposite direction of where he was going to chat with you a little longer.
And you've... done nothing.
Really, it's too early to know if you "like" someone or not. But he's shown interest in getting to know you better. It's up to you at this point whether you want to reciprocate. As it is, you've done nothing indicating you would care to learn anything about him: set up no opportunities to talk with him in a social setting (i.e. not a study group where presumably you'd be studying), haven't gone out of your way to sit next to him, haven't invited him to walk and talk with you after class. Nothing.
I'm impressed with the guy's perseverance. You should ask him about the coffee if you're interested in him (as it sounds like you are). If you're very shy, and can't just do that (I understand if so, I'm very shy!) at least do this: After class, don't just leave and "hope he follows". Stand up and turn towards him, waiting for him to be ready to leave, and leave together. Maybe ask him where he's off to now. You'll still walk together like before, but he'll feel less like he's chasing after you, and more like you're leaving together as friends. As you're walking, you may feel more comfortable asking him if he still wants to get a coffee.
posted by losvedir at 6:42 AM on November 8, 2008
Then, after class I walked out, not intending to walk out with him
I walk out of class, again not making a point to walk with him…
Should I continue showing interest?
LOL, you are not showing interest.
I took the ball actually... I was the last person to ask him to do something (the study group thing that he couldn't make), and the fact that I offered to print out my notes for him, and actually remembered a week later to do it...and did it even though you can borrow the notes at the library for two hours, says I was thinking about him and would do anything to make some connection with him. So yeah, I do think it was obvious. So I feel like a fool asking him to do something again, when he could easily ask me if he wanted.
Uhhh... not the same, and not obvious. You have shown that you at least thought about him, but you haven't shown interest in him as none of those things would let you learn anything about him, the way his actions do for you. Ball's still in your court.
Let's see, in terms of wanting to learn about the other person, he's followed you out of the class to chat when you haven't shown him a second thought (twice!), he's offered to get you a coffee, and he's walked in the opposite direction of where he was going to chat with you a little longer.
And you've... done nothing.
Really, it's too early to know if you "like" someone or not. But he's shown interest in getting to know you better. It's up to you at this point whether you want to reciprocate. As it is, you've done nothing indicating you would care to learn anything about him: set up no opportunities to talk with him in a social setting (i.e. not a study group where presumably you'd be studying), haven't gone out of your way to sit next to him, haven't invited him to walk and talk with you after class. Nothing.
I'm impressed with the guy's perseverance. You should ask him about the coffee if you're interested in him (as it sounds like you are). If you're very shy, and can't just do that (I understand if so, I'm very shy!) at least do this: After class, don't just leave and "hope he follows". Stand up and turn towards him, waiting for him to be ready to leave, and leave together. Maybe ask him where he's off to now. You'll still walk together like before, but he'll feel less like he's chasing after you, and more like you're leaving together as friends. As you're walking, you may feel more comfortable asking him if he still wants to get a coffee.
posted by losvedir at 6:42 AM on November 8, 2008
The overthinking, the living inside your head and constructing byzantine counterfactuals: cut it out. Really. At least about this.
Go out with him. Grab coffee, have a drink, get some food. Hang out with this guy. He likes you. Period. If you want to give this a whirl, do it. the guy's present, he's interested. Hang out, see what happens.
I offer this as someone who still lives in his head, and as someone who was always attracted to brainy, geeky/dorky women. Take it for whatever it might be worth.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 6:48 AM on November 8, 2008
Go out with him. Grab coffee, have a drink, get some food. Hang out with this guy. He likes you. Period. If you want to give this a whirl, do it. the guy's present, he's interested. Hang out, see what happens.
I offer this as someone who still lives in his head, and as someone who was always attracted to brainy, geeky/dorky women. Take it for whatever it might be worth.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 6:48 AM on November 8, 2008
Seconding Forktine and the others who have pointed this out:
Think about what you've written. You're expecting him to read your mind and somehow "know" that he should dismiss your "no" and keep pressing. And then you're disappointed that he didn't react the way you wanted him to.
You're not being clear at all. You're afraid - that's fine, but the ball is in your court.
You might benefit by reading this excellent post about Ask vs. Guess Culture. You seem to be a Guesser - you expect him to guess what you really meant and react accordingly. He, on the other hand, was pretty straightforward.
There's still time to save this. Go and say, "hey, how about that coffee?"
posted by canine epigram at 7:54 AM on November 8, 2008
Think about what you've written. You're expecting him to read your mind and somehow "know" that he should dismiss your "no" and keep pressing. And then you're disappointed that he didn't react the way you wanted him to.
You're not being clear at all. You're afraid - that's fine, but the ball is in your court.
You might benefit by reading this excellent post about Ask vs. Guess Culture. You seem to be a Guesser - you expect him to guess what you really meant and react accordingly. He, on the other hand, was pretty straightforward.
There's still time to save this. Go and say, "hey, how about that coffee?"
posted by canine epigram at 7:54 AM on November 8, 2008
I was exactly like you when I started college. I thought no guys liked me and that something was wrong with me, but it turns out I was just completely oblivious, which actually led me to hurt the feelings of some guys who thought I dissed them. I never made any moves. Once I did gather up some balls and make a move, my fear went away and I had a normal dating life and now have a great boyfriend.
Ask him about coffee. Girl, you have an IN for it, for goodness sake, so even if you were afraid of him saying no, you don't have to feel embarrassed about asking whatsoever. You won't necessarily end up in love once you go to coffee, but it gets the ball rolling on hanging out outside of class, which is important.
Good luck! ;-)
posted by fructose at 7:58 AM on November 8, 2008
Ask him about coffee. Girl, you have an IN for it, for goodness sake, so even if you were afraid of him saying no, you don't have to feel embarrassed about asking whatsoever. You won't necessarily end up in love once you go to coffee, but it gets the ball rolling on hanging out outside of class, which is important.
Good luck! ;-)
posted by fructose at 7:58 AM on November 8, 2008
the guy's present, he's interested.
This is basically the Theorem of Male Romance. Definitely true here.
In the interests of our male protagonist, I'm inclined to protect him from himself, from women who say "no" when they mean "yes", but love is for fools. He is a fool, and you too must become one or risk a life of quiet desperation.
Ask him if he can do you a favor; ask him if he can join you for a cup at the local coffee shop.
posted by pwnguin at 8:03 AM on November 8, 2008
This is basically the Theorem of Male Romance. Definitely true here.
In the interests of our male protagonist, I'm inclined to protect him from himself, from women who say "no" when they mean "yes", but love is for fools. He is a fool, and you too must become one or risk a life of quiet desperation.
Ask him if he can do you a favor; ask him if he can join you for a cup at the local coffee shop.
posted by pwnguin at 8:03 AM on November 8, 2008
thanks everyone for the time and advice--a lot of reality checks, and I thank everyone for that. Sometimes you just need people to tell you to get out of your own head.
But just to clear one important thing up--I was not saying no when I meant yes. I would never do that. I said no to his feeling like he owed me something. I said no because at the time I thought he was just being nice. Had he THEN pursued, I would have seen he wasn't just being nice, and it would have dawned on me that he was asking me out, and I would have said yes. I would NEVER say no meaning yes...that's a dangerous thing to do in so many ways. It was in retrospect that I wished he would have pursued the coffee idea.
posted by lolovivi at 8:12 AM on November 8, 2008
But just to clear one important thing up--I was not saying no when I meant yes. I would never do that. I said no to his feeling like he owed me something. I said no because at the time I thought he was just being nice. Had he THEN pursued, I would have seen he wasn't just being nice, and it would have dawned on me that he was asking me out, and I would have said yes. I would NEVER say no meaning yes...that's a dangerous thing to do in so many ways. It was in retrospect that I wished he would have pursued the coffee idea.
posted by lolovivi at 8:12 AM on November 8, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by scody at 12:12 AM on November 8, 2008 [9 favorites]