How do I stop thinking about her...?

November 7, 2008 3:13 PM

How do I get a girl I mustn't have feelings for out of my heart when I can't get her out of my life?

My marriage is a mess. Sex doesn't happen. Conversation is minimal. Possibly strangely to you guys, I really want it to work.

Getting in the way of this is another woman. She's completely unobtainable (being a relation by marriage) and in a relationship of her own. She's made no moves that would suggest she has any interest in me, but she and I naturally fall into a very flirty state when we talk, which we do often. Put simply, I love her company and feel insanely comfortable with her, feeling like I could share my deepest thoughts with her. [Except this, of course]

Despite her presumed lack of interest in me I can't stop thinking about her. It's bad enough that I feel a deep ache inside when she talks about her current partner.

All in all, it's a pretty pathetic situation to have gotten myself into. I feel like a love torn teenager.

So, dear AskMe, how do I get her out of my head without getting her out of my life? Is it possible?

posted by anonymous to human relations (15 answers total)

She's made no moves that would suggest she has any interest in me, but she and I naturally fall into a very flirty state when we talk, which we do often.

Talk less. Be alone less. You've set yourself up in a classic pitfall, now pull yourself out of it.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 3:24 PM on November 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

Yeah. Focus on fixing your marriage, so that you either fix it and no longer feel the strong pull of the other woman in isolation, or figure out you can't make it work and get out of it. As long as you're in a marriage that "is a mess", even mediocre alternatives will look far more appealing than they should.
posted by davejay at 3:24 PM on November 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

This sort of situation must be treated like an addiction, because it has all the hallmarks - lack of control, impulsivity, obsessiveness, unmanageability. There is profound neurochemistry at work. As such, toughing it out is unlikely to work. Professional help is almost certainly required.

If you want your marriage to work, stop doing the things create obstacles to that end. Don't talk to this person any more than necessary, especially about deeply personal matters. Don't flirt, don't entertain thoughts of her, especially private fantasies. Replace them with thoughts of your wife. You're thinking "I can't do this," right? Right. That's why you need help. Get a therapist, first for you, and then for you and your wife.
posted by desjardins at 3:36 PM on November 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

The Standard Ask MeFi Answer applies here-- you need a therapist, with whom you can discuss your crush and your marital problems. Your marriage probably also needs its own therapist, with whom you and your wife can discuss and work on your sexual compatibility and your communication problems.

Also, no one's forcing you to get flirty with the other woman here or to spend a bunch of time with her, so don't.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 3:38 PM on November 7, 2008

davejay and desjardins have this.
posted by salvia at 3:44 PM on November 7, 2008

Your crush isn't unobtainable because she's a relation by marriage, she's unobtainable because you are married.

Focus on your marriage. Either fix it or end it but give it its due.

If you do want to fix it, and your wife is game too, then this book can be very helpful. You both have to be on board though.
posted by headnsouth at 4:30 PM on November 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

You're marriage is a mess and on top of that you've started fixating on this other woman.

Dude. Seriously. You're not a lovelorn teenager. You're a grown up. It's time you start acting like one.

Can you fix your marriage? Maybe. Maybe not. But trying is your priority. Forget about this woman - avoid her if you have to. There is no reason that for you to further damage your marriage while making a fool of yourself because of these childish impulses and obsessions.

Take control of your emotions.
posted by wfrgms at 4:39 PM on November 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

Consider whether you're using each situation as an excuse for the other or in some other way allowing each to reinforce the other - the difficult marriage may be an excuse for the ongoing fantasy, and the fantasy may be one excuse at least for the difficulty of working on the marriage.

Realize they are two totally separate issues and deal with them as such. Separate them, each requires it's own separate solution anyway.

Quite flirting and start working.
posted by scheptech at 5:10 PM on November 7, 2008

I've been in a similar situation with a co-worker, but my marriage was good at the time. With enough time I think you will realize that it is just a fantasy. In the interim do your best to stay away from flirty situations. Also realize that what you are feeling is very likely not what this other person is feeling.

Quite flirting and start working.

This.
posted by Big_B at 5:21 PM on November 7, 2008

If sex or conversation don't happen, then you need to ditch the marriage, period. I doubt this girl matters one iota, you're just distracting yourself from your shitty marriage.
posted by jeffburdges at 6:12 PM on November 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

There are some previous AskMeFi questions that are sort of similar. My standard answer for things like this is to do two things:

1. Try to notice the other woman's flaws and pay attention to whatever irritates you.

2. Keep in mind that even if you were in a world where you could actually date her, chances are decent that it would not work out for reasons you can't foresee having not yet dated her. What I mean by this is think about past women you've felt that way for whom it has not worked out. Or consider even your current relationship; maybe being with this woman would ultimately lead to the same sexless, conversationless point later on down the line.

It makes more sense to take a chance on that when you're single and the goal is to just date until something does work out, so don't get me wrong. But right now you have the fantasy relationship built up in your head, and it probably doesn't match up to what would realistically happen. It helps to remember that.

I agree that it's probably less about her than your wanting a distraction from your marriage. Work on the marriage as best you can for now.
posted by Nattie at 6:31 PM on November 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

Your problem is your musts and can'ts.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:12 PM on November 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

If you want your marriage to get better, you need to avoid this girl like the plague. Don't see her, don't talk to her except for "Hi, how are you? Fine, thanks. See ya." Stop flirting. If she's just an ordinary coworker, avoiding her shouldn't be a problem. If you have to work with her closely, consider finding a new job. No, I'm not kidding. If you're really serious about your wife & marriage, there is no room in your life for "the other woman".

It's a crush. That's all. Real love comes after years of focused attention and caring for another person.

Focus on other things that you enjoy doing. Find the things that fulfill you, and spend your time on those things. Also, really pursue options like marriage counseling, and work HARD to make your marriage work. Then, after you've put the work into it, if you eventually decide that it will never get better, at least you'll know it wasn't because you stepped over a line you should never have gotten anywhere near.
posted by eleyna at 8:55 AM on November 8, 2008

When a person is obsessed with someone, it's not really about that person. It's about the obsessor. It's not about her! It's about you and your using her as a distraction. Don't make any moves. Start involving your wife in conversation and make eye contact with her when you do. Really listen and once she realizes you are paying attention to her again, she'll likely return your interest. Just keeping building it up from there. Once you rekindle things with your wife, you'll likely wonder how this other woman ever interested you.
posted by i_love_squirrels at 9:01 AM on November 8, 2008

"Out of sight, out of mind." If you don't see this girl, these amazingly deep conversations won't happen.
posted by philosophistry at 11:05 PM on November 8, 2008