How can I make sure that we're as good a match in the bedroom as we are outside of it?

November 7, 2008 7:52 AM

How can I take my time consummating a new relationship but still make sure my new boyfriend has similar sexual tastes?

I'm female, starting dating again after ending a LTR. I really like sex, and I like trying new things. I'm happiest when I have sex around 3-5x weekly and I enjoy being a little inventive (role playing, pretty tame BDSM stuff).

Problem is, for me, sex has always been a sort of emotional commitment for me. I don't want it to be that way, but I find it incredibly difficult to break things off with people I've slept with, even if it isn't working out. I've dated some really awesome people, but never really anyone sexually in sync with me.

So here's my problem: how can I wait long enough for sex to discover if dates are a good match outside of the bedroom but ensure that if I fall in love with them and decide to sleep with them, we'll have similar tastes?

For the record, I've been pretty blunt with the last two guys I've been with and they've assured me that they liked sex as much and in the same ways that I do, but it didn't turn out to be true. I seem to end up with guys who are highly compatible with me outside the bedroom, but not inside.

However, I don't want to sacrifice the compatibility in everything else for sexual compatibility alone - can a girl have it both ways?

posted by anonymous to human relations (12 comments total)

This is totally non-expert advice, but what about instead of just flat out asking him and having a relatively awkward and boring conversation about the subject, engage him in more sexy conversations about fantasies and favorite experiences? If he can talk about these things in a knowledgable, convincing sort of way as part of that shared sex-chat, it would seem more likely that he actually does have or at least want those experiences.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:10 AM on November 7, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Work on not being so emotionally attached after entering the sexual stage of relationship. Your difficulty with breaking things off, just 'cause you've had sex indicates that there are larger issues at work.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:37 AM on November 7, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

You could always disclose it up front ie on the first date. Blatantly. Almost "scare" them with the revelation that you like to wear cashmere jumpers during sex, and then point out your cashmere curtains, cashmere blanket, cashmere-flavoured noodles, whatever. In a sense, highlight the parts that aren't going to turn "average" menfolk on.

The downside is that most men - even the ones who just want a quick lay - will be scared of. The good thing is that the ones who aren't - well, they're forewarned, forearmed, have time to look up cashmere fetishes and thus when you bring out the cashmere falsies and whips, they might be intrigued.

Then again, I can't quite believe most men wouldn't "give it a go", at least.
posted by almostwitty at 8:46 AM on November 7, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Brandon Blatcher, I completely disagree. I wouldn't say at all that the fact that sex is an emotional commitment for her necessarily means "there are larger issues at work." Many people see sex as a commitment, and lots of people feel it makes their relationships closer and more intimate (and harder to end).

If she would rather sex were less of a commitment for her, as she says in the question, that's fine, and she can work towards that (as you said) but not being casual about sex doesn't mean she has deep-seated and terrible issues.

Anyway. To the OP: I understand where you're coming from. Have you tried just taking it slowly? I'd imagine there are plenty of things you can do in the bedroom before full-on sex that will help you decide if you're likely to be compatible.
posted by badmoonrising at 8:52 AM on November 7, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

Incorporate elements of your sexual style into your make-out sessions. You can still do the role-play talking or light bdsm without sex, and probably without even taking your clothes off. Hint at it early and often while kissing and doing other stuff and don't just save your preferences for full-on sex.
posted by rmless at 9:03 AM on November 7, 2008

I wouldn't say at all that the fact that sex is an emotional commitment for her necessarily means "there are larger issues at work."

Letting sex be an emotional commitment is not an issue and can be quite healthy.

Letting that emotional commitment prevent you from breaking off relationships that you *know* aren't working out is an issue.

Otherwise, if the OP hasn't already, she should figure out just how far her "sex=binding commitment" goes. Does it extend to making out? Phone sex? Oral sex? If not, she should indulge in these things first, with heavy doses of those things she likes, such as the role playing and BDSM, before taking it to that final step.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:16 AM on November 7, 2008

follow-up from the OP

The biggest problem seems to be the amount. The variety is a problem as well, but every guy seems to think he likes to have sex numerous times a week when asked prior to engaging in sex. I've tried bringing it up early in a fun/sexy way- I told the last one on our fourth or fifth date that I found cashmere sweaters (using the example from upthread) really sexy, and liked to put them on during sex- not all the time, but frequently. He appeared intrigued. Then when we actually got to the sex, he wasn't put off by my cashmere sweaters, just disinterested and very happy to do it vanilla.

I probably would be ok mostly ignoring the cashmere sweater aspect of my sexual tastes if I could just get laid 4-5x a week.

And to Brandon: I think it is normal for some/many women to find emotional commitment highly correlated with sex. As a friend once said, we're hard-wired for it. Though it would be nice if I didn't have it, I don't regard it as a problem with myself I need to address.

posted by jessamyn at 10:16 AM on November 7, 2008

If you ask a single man "how often would you like to be having sex?" he thinks "well, how many times this week did I wish I were having sex?" and, assuming that the actual answer - in the low dozens - would horrify you, says "oh, three or five times a week". And you think, wow, that's how often I'd like to be having sex! and then are frustrated when you settle down to a relationship and he's only hot for you once or twice a week.

You could try asking your dates "In your experience, how often will you want to have sex with the same woman, after three months of sex with only that woman?" but you'd need a stronger truth serum than mere alcohol to get an honest answer. I've been dating one of the horniest and most sexually adventurous and accommodating women I've ever known for the last year and we've gone from twice-a-day to twice-a-week as sex with her has slipped down my priority list past work and friends and catching up on Mad Men - and ogling other women; I still want sex often, just not with her!

Men crave conquest, variety, and new experience; women, as you admit, crave deep physical and emotional compatibility and commitment. If you want sex 3-5 times a week but want to be in a long-term relationship, maybe you should explore polyandry, or open relationships? I've found that it only takes a little release from the monotony of monogamy to make my girlfriend seem new and strange and hot again.
posted by Now I'm Prune Tracy! at 10:52 AM on November 7, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Meet guys on BDSM sites (or cashmere fetish sites, or whatever). Yes, you'll encounter creepy jerks who are only after sex, but you're going to run into those anywhere. At least you'll have the fetish angle covered, and in my experience, someone who's looking for love on a fetish site has a higher sex drive than the general population. Just be upfront that you're looking to take it slow and make sure you're compatible before jumping into bed.
posted by desjardins at 11:05 AM on November 7, 2008

Ask about past relationships. Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. "Everyone" has crazy sex at the beginning of a relationship. Only some people want to keep having crazy sex forever. Make sure someone you're talking to is introspective enough and honest enough to actually articulate their LTR sex life.

Additionally, Craigslist, Craigslist, Craigslist. (Use an anonymous email address--there are normal people, crazy people, and scammers.)

The key on CL is to be warm, brilliantly empathetic (as in, get inside your ideal recipient's head), and wildly, blazingly, brilliantly articulate. Figuring out how to put what you want into words is a lifelong process, but it's well worth it. You can learn how to be incredibly blunt yet at the same time un-creepy and un-desperate. (This works from tame stuff all the way to fetish-too-fars. Ahem.)

On CL you lead sex first, and personality and everything else second. A week or two exchanging emails is actually incredibly efficient, once you think about it.

Oh, and you have to live in a big city.
posted by zeek321 at 1:56 PM on November 7, 2008

Men crave conquest, variety, and new experience; women, as you admit, crave deep physical and emotional compatibility and commitment.

You're extrapolating from your own feelings/experience there. The majority of men I've met seem to fall very much in the latter camp, and that can still go hand in hand with a very high sex drive or sexual appetite.

Agree with the people who have suggested using fetish sites, though I guess how much you would identify yourself as 'kinky' rather than as 'a person who likes to do x y and z now and again'.
posted by mippy at 2:10 PM on November 7, 2008

every guy person seems to think he/she likes to have sex numerous times a week when asked prior to engaging in sex

Almost everyone will say "Yes, I like sex a lot!" if asked. And I think they mean it, while they are saying it. They really do like sex a lot, and they feel like they like to have it pretty often. Just like you are a good driver, and all the other drivers are below average, right?

But there's often, and there's OFTEN, you know? And the majority of people are more in the often category. They like sex reasonably often, but not too often, and certainly not when they are stressed/tired/having a bad hair day. Whereas you like sex OFTEN (and with some variety), which is great but makes you a bit of a statistical outlier, compared to the average.

The last time I googled for it, the claimed average for married couples having intercourse was something like twice a week (citation; more optimistic citation; more numbers). Four times a week puts you in the small minority of about 7% of couples, never mind five or more times per week.

The point being, you can't find this out by asking, because people will give you a seemingly honest answer that is maybe more of a best-case or hopeful answer. Yes, they would love to have sex five times this week, with ropes and chains and other naughtiness. But in reality, they are going to be tired on Tuesday, and the handcuffs make them worry about Take Back the Night speeches, and after a couple of days they might need a break.

And asking (were it socially ok to do so) how often they got it on with their ex won't help, because maybe the ex hated sex, or forced them to have sex more than they wanted. And even if they wanted sex four times a week with the ex, what does that have to do with sex with you?

So I don't think there's much of any way to find this out directly, though no harm in trying. I'd put a lot more faith in your gut sense of "how sexual is this person?" and seeing how well they can bring the sense of adventure and experimentation you are hoping for into other realms. In retrospect at least the signs were always on the wall from the very beginning about how often/varied the sex in a relationship was going to be -- I may have chosen to ignore those signs, but they were certainly there. Learn to see, and pay attention, to those cues, and I think you'll have more of what you are looking for.
posted by Forktine at 2:22 PM on November 7, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]