How do I become more humble?

November 3, 2008 1:32 AM

Help me become less selfish

I'm selfish. I've had multiple people me that and it cost me a very good relationship this past summer. I'm used to taking charge of a situation in order to get good results. My attitude and personality have made me pretty successful at a young age and I feel like I'm "right" and other people who critique me or my methods are "wrong".

Examples are anything from steering my group of friend to what we should do on a Saturday night to ignoring my girlfriend because I need to get work done.

But typically the end result is a) everyone had a fun night on Saturday and b) I got my work done on time and thus have a good reputation at work which leads to more opportunities, raises, etc...

I justify it to myself but I feel terrible like I'm either manipulating things or I smarter than everyone else and "know best". I don't want to be this way and need some help to change.

posted by Scientifik to human relations (19 comments total)

You need to find a group of people who are smarter and better organized than you, and have this beaten out of you. There's no better way. Trust me, I'm always right about this kind of thing.
posted by flabdablet at 1:47 AM on November 3, 2008 [3 favorites]

Oldest child?

Just curious.

Well, you could reframe what 'right' means. Clearly, you're not all that right if it's costing you relationships--so your methodology isn't perfect, and you haven't done a perfect job of evaluating your priorities or you wouldn't be asking. In some instances, it sounds like it's suiting you well (successful and well-liked at work) but you may need to balance that type of 'right' with its impact on your relationships. How right is it if you're successful but have no friends or your relationships crumble? So--you're not right all the time.

So, I'd suggest reworking your idea of what 'right' means, and also letting other people take control of plans--really work on your ability to go along for the ride. Let someone else drive, pick the restaurant, pick the bar, decide what to order. Let them do more of the talking.

See how although they may make different decisions than you would have their decisions can also be valid and fun.

-Fellow Control Freak
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:53 AM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

Two things: unclench on the things that don't matter, and don't clench before you evaluate how much it matters.

You're not necessarily ever going to truly believe that someone else's idea/method is better, but that doesn't have to be the only criteria you use to decide how to act.

For example, you are driving somewhere with somebody; they want to take one route, but you are ready to insist they take another, because you know that it will save time because of reasons X, Y, and Z. Stop and think. Are you late? Do you need to rush? If not, let them do it their way. Being 10 minutes later will be less damaging than insisting on getting your way once again. If it doesn' matter, let it go. Do it the other person's way.

With the work thing, you were probably right that you needed to spend that time working, but if you had a history of compromising over some other things maybe your girlfriend wouldn't take it as badly.

My husband and I each think we are always right. We laugh about it a lot, and tease each other, but sometimes I have to tell him (and sometimes I have to tell myself) "just shut up and consider doing it this way, before you say 'no'."

Hee. On preview: We are both oldest children.
posted by taz at 2:03 AM on November 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

In some situations, the following thought may help: People learn best by making mistakes. You can explain to someone the best way to do something, but until they try it out their way, they won't really fully understand. You're doing people less experienced than you a service by letting them run things their way, and letting them know you are there to help if necessary. Even if this means you get frustrated watching them do things less efficiently.

You could also practice the art of being a "facilitator" of discussion. This is something you could be good at and proud of being good at. It means that when a group of friends are vacillating over where to go on Saturday, you work on eliciting people's opinions on where to go, and the factors affecting where they want to go. You can guide them in coming to a decision as a group, without imposing your views on the collective.

There's another technique you can use for coming to a compromise. When you want to work and your girlfriend wants to snuggle on the couch, you ask yourself: Why do I want to work now? Well, because I have this deadline on Friday and X much work to do. Why does Girlfriend want to snuggle on the couch? Well, she had a bad day today and reckons some Boyfriend-time will make her feel better. So, how can we find a way for Girlfriend to feel better AND Boyfriend to meet his deadline?

Now we've got a question that both parties can easily work on to find answers to. Using this technique to go from "argument" to "both parties get what they want" feels like absolute magic. The trick is just to work backwards until you get to two propositions that both parties agree with, and not to give up until you have found a solution to BOTH propositions.
posted by emilyw at 2:35 AM on November 3, 2008

If you want to be less selfish stop thinking only of yourself. You've already identified they ways in which you're being selfish and manipulative so stop doing it. If you want a little exercise - go a month without putting yourself first. No getting your own way or imposing your will on others for a whole month. If you can manage it, it should help you realise that the world isn't going to fall apart without your 'guidance'.


Examples are anything from steering my group of friend to what we should do on a Saturday night to ignoring my girlfriend because I need to get work done.

But typically the end result is a) everyone had a fun night on Saturday and b) I got my work done on time and thus have a good reputation at work which leads to more opportunities, raises, etc...

There is no 'right' answer to what you should do on a Saturday night, just because your suggestion lead to big fun for all doesn't mean that you're right, someone else's choice might have lead to just as much if not more fun and probably would have lead to more fun/happiness for the person whose activity was chosen.

The girlfriend thing is a matter of priorities - you chose work over your personal life and paid the price. Thats your choice, if you want to be rich, successful and alone then thats your choice to make.
posted by missmagenta at 3:08 AM on November 3, 2008

Visit a homeless shelter and gain some perspective on need and control. Then volunteer to help on a regular basis. Slowly change from being selfish to being more giving. Mark this as best answer* and come back in a month to report the results.

This part is optional.
posted by Effigy2000 at 3:17 AM on November 3, 2008

My attitude and personality have made me pretty successful at a young age and I feel like I'm "right" and other people who critique me or my methods are "wrong".

Ah yes. What you are forgetting is that you can be both correct and also a jerk.

Here's the really, really important question you have to ask yourself: Would you rather be wrong, or would you rather people think you're a jerk?
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 3:22 AM on November 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

Try genuinely putting yourself in the other person's shoes, and working with what they might be feeling. This includes listening to them and communicating with them. Being right or getting results is often not the same as being unselfish, and you're going to need to decide which you want to pursue. That said, it doesn't mean giving over to their wishes/needs entirely, but if you make an effort to determine what the wishes/needs are, you have scope for compromise and sensitivity.

There's also the issue that, for all of us, other people shouldn't have to suffer our bullshit. As in, if you're under pressure at work or in a bad mood or want to do something different to the normal course of the social circle you're in, you can try to act constructively to change things, but it's also up to you to contain all of that and not kill other people's buzz with it. I just checked your previous AskMes and we're the same age - I think that, looking at the more mature and pleasant people I know, learning this lesson and ability is what sets them apart, and not learning it makes others superannuated teenagers. You can generally change either your responses, your choices or your situation, and accepting that control is pretty crucial in interacting with other people as well as pursuing your own happiness.

I also find that reflecting on the kind of person I want to be, and to be seen and remembered as, provides a kind of touchstone when my behaviour starts to drift away. For me, that places kindness and community far above success and being correct, and I have to dial back my tendency to control everything and kill off all joy in pursuit of perfection. If being successful and right is really what matters to you, the sooner you acknowledge it and make it clear to other people, the sooner they can opt in or out depending on how they feel about it.

Being likeable and generous as well as shit-hot talented and diligent could be a bit of a secret weapon in success, whatever success means to you, mind.



Oldest child?

Just curious.

This made me snort laughing at work, thanks. (Eldest child, yep.) Along with Compulsive Volunteer Syndrome, it does frequently seem to fit.
posted by carbide at 3:42 AM on November 3, 2008

Tithe 10% of your income to charity to help feed, clothe and house the desolate, cold and starving people of the world.
posted by watercarrier at 3:44 AM on November 3, 2008

Reading this has been eye opening for me. I didn't classify my constant need to be in control as selfish, but it DEFINITELY is. I have many examples: I don't let anyone else drive me places because I tend to think that I know the fastest way to get to anywhere. I choose to do work over spending time with my boyfriend 40% of the time. My siblings constantly tell me that I 'need to chill' = learn to be humble.

I am one of the middle children.
posted by KB.Boston_implant.By way of NY at 5:45 AM on November 3, 2008

So you're not comfortable becoming Ebenezer Scrooge?

Charitable deeds can simply feed your desire to control and contribute. On one hand, I've seen that starting at the soup kitchen or being a good friend may prime the pump so you eventually contribute without congratulating yourself. I've also seen that some people find that their selfishness is persistent and requires radical surgery. I'm talking Francis of Assisi, the Amish, some Buddhists, some Christian monks, and many school teachers. Find such people. Don't clarify your values in isolation.
posted by gregoreo at 6:14 AM on November 3, 2008

Don't go volunteer with the less fortunate until you've got this thing whipped.

The volunteer who tries to take over the program and/or looks down on the people he is supposed to be serving is...well, I don't want to say unwelcome, but he's certainly not my favorite.

Narcissism (of which you seem to have a mild case) stems from both a low self-image and a high self-image. The key is the insecurity of your self-image. You see it as a zero-sum game: you are either superior all the time or you are inferior. You feel a constant need to prove/demonstrate that you're superior all the time, even to yourself.

If you were secure in your high self-image, you wouldn't NEED to constantly prove it. Most people are able to go out for a night with friends and enjoy things without it being some sort of test of their ability to be superior.

I suggest therapy, although you have to try to avoid manipulating your therapist or trying to compete with her.
posted by sondrialiac at 8:56 AM on November 3, 2008

It sounds like you buy too much into your own hype.

General rule of life, with very few exceptions:

i. You are not as smart as you think you are.
ii. Everyone else is smarter than you think they are.

Some of the solutions suggested above have said, in so many words, that you should acquiesce to the naive opinions of your friends in order to make them feel important, while still holding on, in your head, to the certainty that you know what is best.

Gross. If you really want to fix this, change your attitude in a real way, don't just act nice and harbor your superiority.
posted by Darth Fedor at 9:04 AM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

1. Say, "What would YOU like to do?" Over. And over. And over.
2. Keep your mouth shut if their answer is something you do not agree with. Shut up and do what they want.
3. Always be catering to others' needs.
4. Especially with your girlfriend. If she wants attention, and the thing isn't due within a few hours, you'd better give her at least a token fifteen minutes of cuddle when she asks. But you learned this one the hard way, apparently.
5. Now, with regards to Saturday night, if everyone else is sitting around going, "Uh, I dunno, what do you want to do?", feel free to step in if nobody else has any opinion. If someone does have something they want to do, or objects to yours, let them take the lead.

Note: I am a selfish git myself (only child) and hate doing this stuff, but that seems to be what others are looking for in your behavior.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:33 AM on November 3, 2008

In a previous question, you mentioned that you like to travel. It's most fun to travel if you don't judge the cultures you're visiting--instead, you simply think, "That's the way they do it here." I think of it as "tourist brain." See if you can apply "tourist brain" to your regular life at home, because a big part of the problem is probably a tendency to judge things.

So notice when you're judging ("stupid, inefficient"). Rephrase it as "They want to do it that way for some reason that I don't understand. People are that way." Then, mouth shut and eyes open, you join them and most likely learn something cool.

On preview: Maybe you are smarter than others. It happens. The trick is to recognize that smart people aren't smart about everything, and they get smarter when they observe and learn. If everything always goes your way, you don't learn anything new.
posted by PatoPata at 9:40 AM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

OP: ...I smarter than everyone else...

You not smarter. See?

Seriously, consider that the "rightness" or "wrongness" is a matter of perspective. Is work more important? Or is having fun on the weekend more important? Or how about having a balanced life? You can't judge "right" or "wrong" without defining your priorities.

Perhaps it would help you change, or at least become more flexible, if you made a conscious choice that for one day, or even one evening, you would let someone else decide. Allow someone else to take charge. What's the worst that could happen if the decision was "wrong" for once?
posted by Robert Angelo at 9:47 AM on November 3, 2008

You could try to learn to switch yourself into a "passive observer" mode. You have to switch off your active side, and not really do anything in certain situations. This works especially well in group situations. Just observe and occasionally respond. Think about why people are behaving the way they do and why they say the things they say. This should keep your big brain occupied, but not in that aggressive way.

This is actually quite difficult if you are not used to it. However, I think it may help with what you are looking to achieve.

Hope this helps.
posted by yoz420 at 12:10 PM on November 3, 2008

This should not be hard. The equation is you and everyone else. Swap the variables.

What is different? Why? What does this tell you?

Why do you have to win?

If the end result is bad for you, why can you not just drop out of the game?

How is your current situation benefiting you?
posted by bh at 3:48 PM on November 3, 2008

You need to find a group of people who are smarter and better organized than you

Woah, flabdablet is totally right - if you really are a bit selfish, and boss people around, because you think you're smarter than your friends, then the latter part will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You won't make friends with people smarter than you.

If you're with are smarter than you, or just interesting in different ways, the first time you try to boss them around when they know you're wrong, they'll just quietly disengage from your life and avoid you.
And you'll never notice.
Meanwhile, you'll be left with the people who are happier to have you boss them around, because they really can't think of a better idea.

See the disadvantages? Everything in moderation.
If other people really are happy to do something else, and they're resisting your attempts to organise them, do you try harder to organise them, or are you just happy to go with the flow?

Spent some time recently with a new person visiting from out of town who just couldn't shut up up, chill out, and stop trying to boss everyone around. While trying not to be mean, everyone ended up scattering in order to get some 'quiet time' (since they'd relentlessly follow any group of more than 2 people and attempt to get them to 'rejoin the herd').
I get how when you're out on the town, it's sometimes handy to have someone who basically functions as a loud, border collie, who herds social groups together, espicially when the music can drown out their voice a little, but for anything else?
I'm going to try and be as pleasant as I possibly can, before fleeing.

Not saying this is your problem, but pointing out how developed social behaviours can backfire.
posted by Elysum at 4:01 AM on November 4, 2008