Collegiate Harold and Maude
October 31, 2008 12:45 AM Subscribe
What do women think of younger men (while in college)?
I'm currently a 2nd year at a large American university, but due to many circumstances, I'm never really around people my own age. Everybody I hang out with or interact with on a daily basis is older than I am. And not just slightly older; most of my classes are full of >80% seniors. This leads to me having kind of an inferiority complex when it comes to women around me.
I don't have any trouble asking somebody who is my age or younger out on a date or whatever, but when they're two or three years older than I am, I automatically feel like they are out of my league. I thin,k because of this, I have a lot of good female friends who are older than I am, but I'm always weary about trying to take the next step.
So, what do women really think about younger men during these years in college? If you were 21 or 22, and a 19 year old guy asked you out, how would you respond? Am I making too big of a deal out of a two-three year age difference? Any insight into this issue would be well appreciated.
I'm currently a 2nd year at a large American university, but due to many circumstances, I'm never really around people my own age. Everybody I hang out with or interact with on a daily basis is older than I am. And not just slightly older; most of my classes are full of >80% seniors. This leads to me having kind of an inferiority complex when it comes to women around me.
I don't have any trouble asking somebody who is my age or younger out on a date or whatever, but when they're two or three years older than I am, I automatically feel like they are out of my league. I thin,k because of this, I have a lot of good female friends who are older than I am, but I'm always weary about trying to take the next step.
So, what do women really think about younger men during these years in college? If you were 21 or 22, and a 19 year old guy asked you out, how would you respond? Am I making too big of a deal out of a two-three year age difference? Any insight into this issue would be well appreciated.
Two or three years is not a big difference once you're out of high school. Don't let on to these 22-year-olds that you think they're Maude, fer christssake.
posted by libraryhead at 1:20 AM on October 31, 2008
posted by libraryhead at 1:20 AM on October 31, 2008
Oh, that sort of age difference doesn't make a difference at all if you socialize with that age group anyway. I'm in a relationship with basically the exact same age dynamic that you're describing, and age was never an issue.
posted by SamuelBowman at 1:21 AM on October 31, 2008
posted by SamuelBowman at 1:21 AM on October 31, 2008
I lost my virginity at college-age to a woman 3 years older... I don't recall age being an issue...
posted by paultopia at 1:35 AM on October 31, 2008
posted by paultopia at 1:35 AM on October 31, 2008
Yeah, when I was in college people dated up and down across ages and it was rarely a big deal. Sure, there are some people who won't, but there are also people who won't date you because of your height or hair color or political attitudes, too. You can't let worrying about that kind of stuff slow you down from going out and having a good time.
But the odd thing in this question to me is that class time is a tiny fraction of your hours during a week -- most of my socializing came outside of classes, and not from people I met in class. Most universities have thousands of clubs and groups, plus all those evening events and parties and lectures. My experience is that the places to meet people (read: "women") was not in class, but rather in the coffee shop, at the hiking club, in the gym, or at a friend's party. Again, age shouldn't matter much, just that you should be looking outside of class for your sex life.
posted by Forktine at 2:10 AM on October 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
But the odd thing in this question to me is that class time is a tiny fraction of your hours during a week -- most of my socializing came outside of classes, and not from people I met in class. Most universities have thousands of clubs and groups, plus all those evening events and parties and lectures. My experience is that the places to meet people (read: "women") was not in class, but rather in the coffee shop, at the hiking club, in the gym, or at a friend's party. Again, age shouldn't matter much, just that you should be looking outside of class for your sex life.
posted by Forktine at 2:10 AM on October 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
When I was 23, I lived with a woman who was 33 for the next two years. Looking back, I think I contributed intellectually and emotionally. Where she really schooled me was about sex. The education was unforgettable and it carried me through the remainder of my adult life. Put me solidly on the side of being in praise of older women.
posted by netbros at 2:15 AM on October 31, 2008
posted by netbros at 2:15 AM on October 31, 2008
Aw, you are all boosting my self-esteem like whoa! (I'm 26, surrounded by 18/19 year old freshers.)
When you're in the same context, I've found, age matters much less. You'll have enough else in common. Although I second libraryhead -- for heaven's sake, 22 is not ancient! Don't let on that you think of them that way!
posted by kalimac at 2:36 AM on October 31, 2008
When you're in the same context, I've found, age matters much less. You'll have enough else in common. Although I second libraryhead -- for heaven's sake, 22 is not ancient! Don't let on that you think of them that way!
posted by kalimac at 2:36 AM on October 31, 2008
So, what do women really think about younger men during these years in college? If you were 21 or 22, and a 19 year old guy asked you out, how would you respond?
(I'm 23 and in college). If I knocked him back, it wouldn't be 'because you're 19'. It might be 'because you act like a kid', but if you can really be friends with older people, then you're probably not one of those irritating high school types, and you shouldn't face any more than the normal possibility of rejection :)
posted by jacalata at 3:06 AM on October 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
(I'm 23 and in college). If I knocked him back, it wouldn't be 'because you're 19'. It might be 'because you act like a kid', but if you can really be friends with older people, then you're probably not one of those irritating high school types, and you shouldn't face any more than the normal possibility of rejection :)
posted by jacalata at 3:06 AM on October 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
My college boyfriend was younger.
posted by Stewriffic at 4:07 AM on October 31, 2008
posted by Stewriffic at 4:07 AM on October 31, 2008
There is no real difference between a 19 year old and a 22 year old. You're the same age.
(Ten years from now, you will agree, and wonder how you ever thought otherwise.)
posted by rokusan at 4:13 AM on October 31, 2008 [2 favorites]
(Ten years from now, you will agree, and wonder how you ever thought otherwise.)
posted by rokusan at 4:13 AM on October 31, 2008 [2 favorites]
A lot of girls like younger men. They feel like they're rocking the cradle and that helps them feel young.
You should never feel inferior to anyone and if they sense that you think that way you will diminish your chances. So be confident and go for it.
posted by Macallister Vagabond at 4:55 AM on October 31, 2008
You should never feel inferior to anyone and if they sense that you think that way you will diminish your chances. So be confident and go for it.
posted by Macallister Vagabond at 4:55 AM on October 31, 2008
My girlfriend in college was 7 years my senior - and we were, so far as I could tell, in the same place in life. Don't sweat this.
posted by ellF at 5:18 AM on October 31, 2008
posted by ellF at 5:18 AM on October 31, 2008
What do you mean 'not just slightly older'? you're practically the same age. Go for it!
posted by sid at 5:33 AM on October 31, 2008
posted by sid at 5:33 AM on October 31, 2008
When you're in the same context, I've found, age matters much less.
Definitely. Context is definitely important, though. For example, if these people are grad students and teach people your age, they might feel funny about it. I would, despite the fact that I've dated someone with a six year age difference since I was eighteen. If you're peers, though, go for it!
I would keep in mind, though, that if these girls are drinkers it might be a minor--very minor!--annoyance that you're under age. Of course, this only matters if you're hanging out at a bar or a 21+ show, but when I was 18 and my boyfriend was 24, it was definitely an inconvenience. Though I was probably bugged by it more than he was.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:32 AM on October 31, 2008
Definitely. Context is definitely important, though. For example, if these people are grad students and teach people your age, they might feel funny about it. I would, despite the fact that I've dated someone with a six year age difference since I was eighteen. If you're peers, though, go for it!
I would keep in mind, though, that if these girls are drinkers it might be a minor--very minor!--annoyance that you're under age. Of course, this only matters if you're hanging out at a bar or a 21+ show, but when I was 18 and my boyfriend was 24, it was definitely an inconvenience. Though I was probably bugged by it more than he was.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:32 AM on October 31, 2008
One of my college boyfriends was 2 years younger than me, one was 1 year younger and one was 1 year older. I really didn't worry about their ages one way or the other. It was much more about common interests and general compatibility.
posted by gudrun at 6:43 AM on October 31, 2008
posted by gudrun at 6:43 AM on October 31, 2008
Not a big difference at all. The great thing about college - and the rest of your life for that matter - is that you can socialize with anyone you want and you're not just limited to your age and grade.
I dated a first-year guy from another college when I was a senior. When I first met him, I actually thought he was older than me. Being three years older than him didn't matter to me at all, and I think he really liked it. On the other hand, being at different points in our lives felt somewhat strange - he was just beginning his college experience while I was ready to get out of it - but that's not something you're likely to encounter, being a second-year.
So, yeah, go for it!
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:44 AM on October 31, 2008
I dated a first-year guy from another college when I was a senior. When I first met him, I actually thought he was older than me. Being three years older than him didn't matter to me at all, and I think he really liked it. On the other hand, being at different points in our lives felt somewhat strange - he was just beginning his college experience while I was ready to get out of it - but that's not something you're likely to encounter, being a second-year.
So, yeah, go for it!
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:44 AM on October 31, 2008
I've always been told that: Older Person's Age/2 + 7 ='s Acceptable Minimum Younger Person's Dating Age.
So it's perfectly fine to step out with a 22 year old at 19. Heck, you could have gotten started last year!
The only hurdle is the 21+ entry to bars and the like, but if drinking isn't a huge part of your scene, no worries there. And if it is, there are probably plenty of things two people can do alone in a bedroom while everyone else is out drinking...
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:00 AM on October 31, 2008
So it's perfectly fine to step out with a 22 year old at 19. Heck, you could have gotten started last year!
The only hurdle is the 21+ entry to bars and the like, but if drinking isn't a huge part of your scene, no worries there. And if it is, there are probably plenty of things two people can do alone in a bedroom while everyone else is out drinking...
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:00 AM on October 31, 2008
When I was a senior in college, two of my friends and I dated freshmen. It's not so much about age as maturity, and the three-year difference in college isn't as great as, say, a 19-year old in college dating a 16-year-old in high school. You'd still have a lot of experiences in common.
posted by srah at 7:18 AM on October 31, 2008
posted by srah at 7:18 AM on October 31, 2008
A 22 year old isn't an older woman, she's basically the same age as you! Same generation etc. My god parents met in college, he was 23 and she was 32 and they've been married 15 years this month.
If it were me I would be turned off by someone who thought a 2-3 year age difference was something worth worrying about, it would seem immature and a bit odd.
posted by zarah at 7:18 AM on October 31, 2008 [3 favorites]
If it were me I would be turned off by someone who thought a 2-3 year age difference was something worth worrying about, it would seem immature and a bit odd.
posted by zarah at 7:18 AM on October 31, 2008 [3 favorites]
once you hit your 20s, the age difference matters less. not being old enough to legally drink may hamper things, but if a girl is into you, she'll adjust.
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:20 AM on October 31, 2008
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:20 AM on October 31, 2008
My current boyfriend of four years was 19 when we met, I was 23. Yes, I was a bit shocked as he did not look his age, but truly it depends on the intellectual, social and emotional maturity of each individual.
posted by Asherah at 7:35 AM on October 31, 2008
posted by Asherah at 7:35 AM on October 31, 2008
immature, does not know what women really want
posted by johannahdeschanel at 9:17 AM on October 31, 2008
posted by johannahdeschanel at 9:17 AM on October 31, 2008
My husband is 8 years younger than I am. When I was a senior in college, he was in the 9th grade. That would have been too young for me at that point.
A 19 year old when I was 22? Not too young as long as they didn't act like they felt they were too young.
posted by jeanmari at 10:57 AM on October 31, 2008
A 19 year old when I was 22? Not too young as long as they didn't act like they felt they were too young.
posted by jeanmari at 10:57 AM on October 31, 2008
FWIW, to go against the tide here, one year would not have mattered to me but two or three or more would have. I went to college almost 20 years ago, though, so perhaps I am an old poop.
posted by onlyconnect at 11:03 AM on October 31, 2008
posted by onlyconnect at 11:03 AM on October 31, 2008
I'm 22, and I just graduated from college in June. My friends tend to be within 6 years of my age, either older or younger. I almost never think about it and it makes no difference to me.
Don't give it another thought. I think this is one of those problems that only exists so long as you dwell on it.
posted by Cygnet at 11:13 AM on October 31, 2008
Don't give it another thought. I think this is one of those problems that only exists so long as you dwell on it.
posted by Cygnet at 11:13 AM on October 31, 2008
(I'm 23 and in college). If I knocked him back, it wouldn't be 'because you're 19'. It might be 'because you act like a kid',
This is correct, and I think just as true for any dating situation. Since you're a second year you're probably fine. I'm turned off by younger college guys, but since I'm only 20 they're usually freshmen and act like it. Hypothetically I have nothing against them.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 11:27 AM on October 31, 2008
This is correct, and I think just as true for any dating situation. Since you're a second year you're probably fine. I'm turned off by younger college guys, but since I'm only 20 they're usually freshmen and act like it. Hypothetically I have nothing against them.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 11:27 AM on October 31, 2008
It has a lot more to do with your current life situation and your personal maturity than your numerical age. I'm 23, and hypothetically, I might be a little wary about dating you, but that's because I'm a second year graduate student and you're a college student, not because I'm 23 and you're 19. At a guess, we simply have different life priorities right now. On the other hand, if I were still a college student, you'd be a much likelier prospect. Make sense?
So yeah, don't worry about it. Just be yourself.
posted by bettafish at 12:02 PM on October 31, 2008
So yeah, don't worry about it. Just be yourself.
posted by bettafish at 12:02 PM on October 31, 2008
I'm never really around people my own age. Everybody I hang out with or interact with on a daily basis is older than I am. And not just slightly older; most of my classes are full of >80% seniors.
Because of this statement, no, I don't think you should ask these women out. They are unlikely to appreciate being exoticized because they're "older". They're young women. They're only older in comparison with you, and the world doesn't revolve around your impressions. Dating within such a tiny age gap is obviously a taboo for you. If you're this uncomfortable about women who are even slightly older than you, I don't think you're ready to date at all, frankly.
Also, as a side note, I find it creepy that women your "own age or younger" are easy and fair game, but anyone older causes such fear and paralysis in you. Are you interested in the women as people, or are you just concerned about their status? Is this a control issue?
posted by Hildegarde at 4:33 PM on October 31, 2008
Because of this statement, no, I don't think you should ask these women out. They are unlikely to appreciate being exoticized because they're "older". They're young women. They're only older in comparison with you, and the world doesn't revolve around your impressions. Dating within such a tiny age gap is obviously a taboo for you. If you're this uncomfortable about women who are even slightly older than you, I don't think you're ready to date at all, frankly.
Also, as a side note, I find it creepy that women your "own age or younger" are easy and fair game, but anyone older causes such fear and paralysis in you. Are you interested in the women as people, or are you just concerned about their status? Is this a control issue?
posted by Hildegarde at 4:33 PM on October 31, 2008
They're not much older, and you belong to the same social groups in college anyhow.
I've been dating my current boyfriend since we were 19 (him) and 24 (me). It rests upon maturity, chemistry, and values. It helps we have similar interests.
posted by cmgonzalez at 5:34 PM on October 31, 2008
I've been dating my current boyfriend since we were 19 (him) and 24 (me). It rests upon maturity, chemistry, and values. It helps we have similar interests.
posted by cmgonzalez at 5:34 PM on October 31, 2008
I met my current girlfriend of 9 months when I was 19 and she was 23. She lived in my dormitory building, and she sent me a myspace message over holiday break. We exchanged messages for a month and things escalated.
The WHOLE time I was thinking, "This girl is cool, but she's 3 and a half years older than me, could anything really come of this?"
Go figure she had had a crush on me for months.
Sometimes it works. Our personalities matched, our maturity levels matched, and we both found eachother cool and attractive.
So, don't hold yourself back, you'd be surprised, I know I was.
posted by Defenestrator at 5:04 PM on November 1, 2008
The WHOLE time I was thinking, "This girl is cool, but she's 3 and a half years older than me, could anything really come of this?"
Go figure she had had a crush on me for months.
Sometimes it works. Our personalities matched, our maturity levels matched, and we both found eachother cool and attractive.
So, don't hold yourself back, you'd be surprised, I know I was.
posted by Defenestrator at 5:04 PM on November 1, 2008
Am I making too big of a deal out of a two-three year age difference?
A thousand times yes. I remember thinking, when I was in the 5th grade, how those 4th grade kids were such kids. That kind of thinking slowly fades out after high school, or at least it should. By the time you're 30, you realize that age is a ridiculously arbitrary way to gauge how to interact with someone. I've known high school kids with more on the ball than some folks older than me.
Those old 22-year-olds you're thinking of asking out are separated from you by a hair's breadth, time-wise. Chemistry of personality is much, much more important.
posted by zardoz at 4:30 AM on November 2, 2008
A thousand times yes. I remember thinking, when I was in the 5th grade, how those 4th grade kids were such kids. That kind of thinking slowly fades out after high school, or at least it should. By the time you're 30, you realize that age is a ridiculously arbitrary way to gauge how to interact with someone. I've known high school kids with more on the ball than some folks older than me.
Those old 22-year-olds you're thinking of asking out are separated from you by a hair's breadth, time-wise. Chemistry of personality is much, much more important.
posted by zardoz at 4:30 AM on November 2, 2008
What rokusan & zardoz said. You're effectively exactly the same age, and I guarantee that you *will* look back and wonder what you were thinking.
It's understandable, though: it's a hangover from primary school & adolescence, where there often is a big difference in physical, mental & emotional maturity, skills & experience from one year to the next.
For now, though, you're in the same boat with all the other college-aged kids. It's a delightful, quasi-adult phase in life, with plenty of fun to be had, a lot of adventure & exploration of yourself & others, and no real responsibilities to speak of.
shame about your 21yo legal drinking age in America, though. in Australia, the legal age is 18, which means that (almost) all university students are on the same page where drinking is concerned
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:07 PM on November 2, 2008
It's understandable, though: it's a hangover from primary school & adolescence, where there often is a big difference in physical, mental & emotional maturity, skills & experience from one year to the next.
For now, though, you're in the same boat with all the other college-aged kids. It's a delightful, quasi-adult phase in life, with plenty of fun to be had, a lot of adventure & exploration of yourself & others, and no real responsibilities to speak of.
shame about your 21yo legal drinking age in America, though. in Australia, the legal age is 18, which means that (almost) all university students are on the same page where drinking is concerned
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:07 PM on November 2, 2008
Go for it. My boyfriend was 19 and I was 23 when we started going out 4 years ago, and things are still great.
Worst case, they say no, and generally speaking the older women are the more graceful about handling that sort of thing. The drinking age thing is only a problem if you need bars as a social lubricant, but 18 is a must because otherwise you're jail bait.
posted by chana meira at 9:37 PM on November 2, 2008
Worst case, they say no, and generally speaking the older women are the more graceful about handling that sort of thing. The drinking age thing is only a problem if you need bars as a social lubricant, but 18 is a must because otherwise you're jail bait.
posted by chana meira at 9:37 PM on November 2, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
Though I say this from regret, not experience...
Also, it's 'wary'
posted by alexei at 1:04 AM on October 31, 2008