Dating w/o being a d-bag

October 29, 2008 3:19 PM

How does one casually date?

I'll try to minimize the chatty aspect to this question.

Over the summer I broke up with my long-term girlfriend. I recently started dating but quickly realized that I'm not ready to be someone's boyfriend. I'm excited to meet new people and have met some really cool women... but if it doesn't work out, then I'm not crushed (unlike during other points in my life).

The problem is that all I really know is the boyfriend route: meet someone and then either quickly get serious (or part ways). I know this will be a good thing when I'm ready again, but I'm not there right now. It has me second guessing all of my instincts: am I calling too little? too much? Am I being too romantic? How considerate/attentive can I be without leading them on?

Should I stop dating until I am ready for the next long-term thing? Should I switch from internet dating (which maybe is more serious by nature) to bars and whatnot? And, on a more delicate point, should I assume that sex is off the table?

Thanks for any advice-
cgs

posted by cgs to human relations (17 comments total)

I'm sort of going through this right now.

Sex doesn't have to be off the table, but once it's on the table, there has to be more transparency. This is what I gathered from this thread I posted, Honesty v. Mystery v. Good Faith v. Transparency.

I have a friend who does Internet dating, and it's totally casual. If anything, it can be more casual. Bars definitely lend themselves to start out as casual, but it's all in how you carry the relationship forward afterwards.

I think one strategy I've found is to never pretend anything and be totally authentic. Don't say lovey-dovey things unless that's how you feel as a whole about that person. Another thing is to not let yourself slide into anything serious unless you want it. A friend told me some great advice, "every day, ask yourself, do you want to see her or not, if not, don't, if yes, do. repeat." So be honest to yourself about what exactly you want, especially about gestures that could be interpreted as being more committed than you actually are.
posted by pauldonato at 3:40 PM on October 29, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

a) date more than one person
b) be up front with the people you're dating that you are dating more than one person
c) tell the ppl you are dating that you are not looking for a serious relationship right now
d) sex is not necessarily off the table but see (b) and (c) before you do
posted by violetk at 3:57 PM on October 29, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

What I've been going through for the past two month, we met online, really enjoyed each others company but didn't feel any romantic spark. So we've been dating (with lots of sex, so it can certainly be on the table), but both of us know for sure (due to lots of communication) and neither of us are emotionally invested, and either of us is free to ditch the other if they find somebody they really do start to like. Since we do go out together, if feels more real then FWB, but we don't consider ourselves BF/GF either.

I'm found online dating to cater very strongly to casual dating, with a number of '1-2 week stands' before I found the girl I'm with (for now).
posted by meowN at 3:58 PM on October 29, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Internet dating could actually be good for you, since most sites allow you to list what you are looking for. Just don't choose "long-term relationship."

When people casually date, they are still nice to each other, but don't see or call each other as much. In my experience, it is difficult to find the right balance of keeping some distance but also not disappointing the other person or disappointing yourself. I think communication helps this, but many situations end up with someone wanting more and the imbalance breaking people up. So be prepared for that.

Once you meet someone and hit it off, you might want to talk over how much contact and effort you'll be willing to put in. Like "I like you, but I am busy right now and I don't have too much time to date and I'm not looking for something too serious, so I'd probably not be able to hang out too often. Would that be ok for you?" or something like that.
posted by rmless at 3:59 PM on October 29, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Internet dating can be more or less serious depending on what site you're on. Craigslist is probably more likely to have people interested in casual stuff than eHarmony, for instance. Regardless, you should be very up front and honest about not wanting a serious relationship. There will probably be girls who won't believe you, who will fall for you, and will get their hearts broken, regardless of how clear you are. You have to decide if you're ok with that possibility.
posted by vytae at 3:59 PM on October 29, 2008

Although I would never attempt internet dating, the first answer is really the best.
posted by Zambrano at 4:02 PM on October 29, 2008

I think pauldonato hit it on the head. The most important thing to keep in mind is transparency. Always be upfront and honest with your intentions. In some cases that might mean you go home alone, but you ALWAYS need to make it clear that you're not looking for a relationship. Another thing to keep in mind is that casual can quickly become something more complicated once sex is involved. You may both agree that the sex is casual, but there's a good chance that at some point one of you is going to get more than you bargained for in the feelings department. Just make sure and show respect to the people you are with.
posted by OccamsRazor at 4:05 PM on October 29, 2008

meet someone and then either quickly get serious (or part ways)

I thought that was "casual dating." No seriously, for a lot of people dating is exactly like this...

It sounds like what you're looking for is casual companionship - which is slightly different. Basically, it's not you, it's the women you date - you have to date independent minded women, who themselves are not looking for a boyfriend. Depending up on the age-rage you're dating in, this maybe easy or hard.
posted by wfrgms at 4:16 PM on October 29, 2008

I am going to jump in and add that I am in the same boat right now. I just ended a relationship two months ago and expect to move cities in the next few months so I am not looking for a serious relationship either. My experience with casual dating (bars/okcupid) so far has been exactly like what pauldonato /OccamsRazor have said.
posted by special-k at 4:17 PM on October 29, 2008

Yeah, I'm in a similar spot. I can't say I've figured it out yet.

What I have found is that you should be careful with how the other half views the relationship. At one point, out in town with a very new, very non-serious woman, I bumped into a friend who said 'is this your girlfriend'? I said 'uh, yes', then promptly forgot about it.

Apparently, for her, that was secret code for 'I'm totally serious about you and want to stay together forever and you should tell all your friends about how wonderful this new thing is'. This made for not-fun times when I broke up with her a few days later.

So yeah. Be upfront and honest, but still accept that it's their interpretation of what you say, and not yours, that is important.
posted by twirlypen at 5:05 PM on October 29, 2008

Apparently, for her, that was secret code for 'I'm totally serious about you and want to stay together forever and you should tell all your friends about how wonderful this new thing is'. This made for not-fun times when I broke up with her a few days later.

Keep in mind also that sometimes you can do everything pretty much "right" and someone may still flip out or have a bad reaction to some shift in the relationship and it doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. What you'd like optimally is to not have someone say "but I thought....." and have you be like "Oh shit, how did she think that was going on?!"

As twirlypen has learned, some words and actions just have more cultural gravitas and meaning than you might otherwise think and you need to be careful about them as far as your transparency actions go. It's okay to sort of plead ignorance on this occasionally, but if you don't want to be a clueless heartbreaker, here are some of those things

- boyfriend/girlfriend - you can't really divorce these from the meaning they have. It's like "married" You may be perfectly happy in your open marriage, but it doesn't mean other people are going to understand the words in the way you intend them too
- "I love you" - you may mean this in this nice hippie "I just love being around you" way but it carries a lot of weight for some people
- meeting family - this may be no big deal to you but for someone fishing for clues it seems like it might be one, similarly big holiday events [birthday, valentine's day, new year's eve]
- long range plans [months in the future, international travel, that sort of thing] tend to indicate a long view on a relationship.
- spending every night together - there's a sort of de facto relationship happening there if you don't even have time to be seeing other people.

Generally speaking it's good to just be clear "hey I'm not looking for a relationship" but people will also read into actions and some of their readings are predictable. Nothing is wrong with any of these things, live your life the way you want to, just know how you might be sending a message you don't mean to send.

That said, there are a lot of women who are looking for the same types of no strings attached hang out time, so I don't think you have to curtail what you're looking for, just be clear, be as honest and decent as you can and have fun. Good luck.
posted by jessamyn at 5:24 PM on October 29, 2008 [5 favorites has favorites]

meet someone and then either quickly get serious (or part ways)

First off, you need to be openly, accurately communicating your expectations up front, as pauldonato and OccamsRazor have pointed out.

If you're the kind of person who needs a system, the "rule of 3" is a good one to keep things casual: when you identify a new dating chum, you can see her either three times (and then end it), or only see her once every three weeks. Either way, there's not enough time spent for "let's be BF/GF feelings" to rightfully develop.

How considerate/attentive can I be without leading them on?

This, to me, is the trick to casual dating... one that few people master, and I include myself in this group.

Don't do things that boyfriends do.

- Sending flowers. Or gifts of any sort.

- Leaving lovey notes for her after a wild night. Staying till breakfast, even. Keeping stuff at her place, or letting her keep stuff at yours. Don't even accidentally leave something, because now The Leave-Behind has meaning.

- Meeting her parents, her co-workers, her best friends. Don't do that; even if she's on the same page as you, suddenly you've got her whole offensive line remarking and asking after "your status," which helps no one.

- Grocery shopping with her. Running errands together. Anything that looks or feels domestic, or smacks of nesting.

- Leaving voicemails that begin, "Hi, it's me"? (as opposed to "hi, it's cgs") Nicknames. Endearments.

I'm afraid I'm going to get flak for this... because, yes, some of these things are things that platonic friends can do together, and you can casually date + be friendly and it doesn't always lead to disaster.

But again, if you need a system, a set of rules to stick to that helps you do right by her and also be good to yourself without adding loads of stress, I find the "no boyfriend-behaviors" to be a good one.

(On preview, Jessamyn has mostly said this already, but maybe my list adds something else that is helpful.)
posted by pineapple at 5:30 PM on October 29, 2008 [11 favorites has favorites]

I casually date. I expect flowers and gifts. I give flowers and gifts. There's no extra coldness on either side in casual dating.

But I will run like a jackrabbit if you mention your parents.

Look, you have friends, right? And you have really close long-time friends who mean a lot more to you? Same deal. Matter of degree and expectations.

Don't mention that you are dating others. Make it clear that it's on the table for both of you.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:53 PM on October 29, 2008

Wow... thanks for all the responses! I do love me some systems... i dig pineapple's rule of 3 and pauldonato's golden rule. But, as you can see, you are already contradicting each other... what hope do I have? ;-)

I'm currently on Match.com... I know the seriousness curve goes: Craiglist, Nerve, Match then eHarmony. Maybe I should downshift to Nerve? Because when I'm transparent and tell my Match dates that I'm not ready for something serious, I feel like they look at me like I'm a slimeball. Maybe I'm projecting...

I also think that the timing of the communication is important... like, when do I mention that I'm seeing other people? That could be a real curveball depending on what else is going on at the time..

The other thing I was trying to describe in my original question is that I am "boyfriend guy", and I'm trying to be the cool guy. Playing against type is hard... and it seems like if I let down my guard and act natural, then I'm going to screw up and hurt someone.

I mean, my friends were making lists of their single friends to set me up with... and I had to tell them that they should keep them on the shelf.

Well, you've all made me feel less sketchy, at least. :-)
posted by cgs at 7:47 PM on October 29, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

The other thing I was trying to describe in my original question is that I am "boyfriend guy", and I'm trying to be the cool guy. Playing against type is hard... and it seems like if I let down my guard and act natural, then I'm going to screw up and hurt someone.

One possibility here is that you may really be "boyfriend guy." I've tried the casual dating thing, and it just doesn't work for me. I'm not all that great at it, and it just doesn't make me all that happy.

I'm just a guy who's happiest with the give-and-take of less casual situations, rather than the fluidity of casual dating. If you are like me, you'll find yourself drifting back to this, and I'm not sure that fighting it is the way to make yourself happy.

That doesn't mean, though, that staying single for a while is the wrong thing for you to do -- it's probably the right thing, and I think your instincts are 100% right on this. And part of the way you avoid hurt feelings and disappointment is by being honest about that. Just go ahead and say that you are keeping things casual for a while, while using the really good suggestions others have made above to make sure you aren't saying one thing and suggesting another with your actions.
posted by Forktine at 6:31 AM on October 30, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

There's a lot of great advice here already, but one more thing (Jessamyn mentioned but it's worth repeating)...it's still a few months away, but know this now: don't spend Valentine's Day with someone you just started dating or aren't serious with. Hang out with your single friends and make it clear that that's what you're doing. Ramping up expectations unnecessarily is no fun for anyone involved.
posted by kittyprecious at 10:14 AM on October 30, 2008

If you're extremely upfront about the fact that you wish to remain single and you're only looking for casual sex, the rest will tend to work itself out. When I say extremely upfront I mean on the first date - preferably very early on indeed when nothing has been invested on either side.

I think one of the main problems is that men can be embarrassed about saying to a woman: "I'm just here for fun, I only want to date and have casual sex, and I want to do it with several people at the same time."

Of course this will really sort the wheat from the chaff: any woman who is seeking a more serious relationship will probably choose that point to scarper. But in my experience there is a good number of women who respect this attitude. After all, a lot of women also want casual relationships without commitment.

Without question I agree with the posters above who warn against describing any one of your squeezes as a girlfriend. You certainly don't want, at any time, to mislead or diverge from the path of this being a purely casual, non-committal thing.

But I would take with a pinch of salt the advice about not doing domestic activities with your dates. If you totally disengage from mundane things then everything becomes a "date" with massive expectations (and costs) attached. Perversely it can sometimes show you're even more casual about the friendship, because you're treating them like a normal friend rather than putting them on a pedestal and bringing out the big guns to impress her all the time.

Finally I second the recommendation about using particular sites - Alt.com, AdultFriendFinder, Craigslist etc - specifically to seek casual relationships as opposed to traditional dating sites where there will be an expectation of permanence from the outset.
posted by skylar at 11:13 AM on November 7, 2008