"How to let new baby know they are adopted?"

October 29, 2008 11:38 AM

My son and his wife have just adopted a daughter. She is now 3 months old. They want her to know from the beginning that she is adopted. How to they incorporate that into their conversations with her so that it will just be part of her life and something that she always knew.
posted by pamspanda to human relations (20 comments total)

I don't know if there are any children's books out there about adoption, but that could be a start. They could say, "this little girl is just like you!" and explain what it means. Also if it comes up on TV they could talk about it.
posted by happy scrappy at 11:49 AM on October 29, 2008

There are several children's books about adoption. "Why Was I Adopted?" was the one my parents bought for my brother.

I always knew my brother was adopted. I don't remember my parents telling me. They probably told me about it the way any parents tell any young kid any other fact.
posted by girlmightlive at 11:51 AM on October 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

My mom made "The Day We Brought You Home" an annual anniversary, turning it into a sort of second birthday. I don't remember getting any presents, though that certainly would have been nice. I distinctly remember her explaining the whole adoption thing to me on that day, until I was seven- or eight-years-old. The matter was silently dropped sometime after I started using "I'm not related to any of these people!" as an excuse when they would do embarrassing things in public.
posted by steef at 12:09 PM on October 29, 2008 [18 favorites]

My sister always had her "Special Day" celebration, because it was the day that she officially became a member of the family. She knew she was adopted, but didn't understand what that meant until she was older (there are some specifics that are just too confusing or painful for small children to really grasp - and sometimes it takes a bit of learning about the child's personality to know how best to do that explanation).
posted by greekphilosophy at 12:20 PM on October 29, 2008 [3 favorites]

'When mama and daddy decided they wanted to the family to grow and have a baby, we were very excited. We thought all the time about how you were getting ready to be born and that you could be born anywhere in the world (country, state) and at anytime, and we couldn't wait until we got to go where you were born to take you home. We loved you even before we knew you or met you, because we loved each other so much and knew how wonderful a new member of our family would be. You grew big inside our hearts while you were growing big inside your birth mother's belly.'

Add to this to baby's adoption story, which is hers to know and learn, just like my birth story is my son's to know and learn. The general ideas of these kinds of stories, I feel, just aren't that much different--just slight variations in locale and drama. The kids I know who are adopted relish telling their stories and hearing them just as much as kids like the repetition of 'the day you were born' lore.

Congratulations Grandma! Enjoy that baby!
posted by rumposinc at 12:42 PM on October 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

My wife is the executive director for an adoption agency and can easily provide you with some pointers. She's at the office right now, so drop me a MeMail if you are interested in discussing further.
posted by Thorzdad at 12:47 PM on October 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

Well, I'd recommend against doing as my adoptive parents did, following each introduction "This is our daughter peagood" with a stage whisper of "She's adopted!" (which I would eventually follow up with "She knows!", until they stopped). That's the way I remember knowing of it from the earliest time I knew.

And so I'd also just say that if it comes up, it comes up - it doesn't really need to be a separate, special conversation; and seconding what greekphilosphy and girlmightlive said - it should be told as with any other fact, simply and honestly with age-appropriate facts, and after learning about the child's personality.

I think it would have been lovely to have been known as my parents' daughter only -- for me and my family and close friends to know I was adopted would have been enough. It was always awkward and sometimes painful to have the adopted part announced or mentioned, and it made me wonder why they felt it was so important that the world knew. Romanticizing and promoting it as my parents did when I was a child only made me feel more different and separate from them, when I longed to feel the same as any other kid within a family and to just be normal.
posted by peagood at 1:01 PM on October 29, 2008 [4 favorites]

I'd read Tell me again about the night I was born by Jamie Lee Curtis and then tell her her own story, "the little girl in the book had her parents come to get her on the airplane, but we came to get you in a car". Just have them both be some of the standard stories in their house.

/wife of mbrubeck
posted by mbrubeck at 1:22 PM on October 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

My sister is adopted and I have an adopted daughter from overseas.

The advice from my sister (which I am trying to follow myself) is to make it as much matter-of-fact as you can. It definitely shouldn't be a secret that she was adopted, but it's not necessarily something that you have to volunteer immediately when you get introduced to new people.

Another opportunity we have is when discussing travel -- since our daughter flew on an overseas flight as a baby (which she doesn't remember, of course), there's lots of "family story" opportunities whenever we take a trip.

The ethnicity differences give us some opportunity to raise things independently. I think the key is not to make it a Big Deal or a Secret. It's part of who we are, part of the story of where the kid came from, something that makes them special and different -- no shame, nothing to hide.

One thing to remember is that attitudes about adoption in the US today are vastly different than they were 30 years ago, when some mothers still "went away to visit an aunt" for 9 months before placing their children for adoption, never telling family or friends, etc.
posted by QuantumMeruit at 2:36 PM on October 29, 2008 [2 favorites]

I sent this link to my darling fiancée, who has now repeated in instant messenger to me 3 times (so far) that she really loves this question. Here's what she asked me to add:

Will you second the book "Why Was I Adopted" for me? And the "Gotcha" day?

My family did not officially celebrate the day, but Oma always called me that day to tell me how much she loved me and how happy she was every day that I was her granddaughter.

And, of course, the matter of fact treatment - if you make it part of baby's life from the beginning it's so easy and happy when she's old enough to understand more factual information. I "knew" I was adopted when I was four, but I was about 7 or 8 when my parents thought I could understand what being adopted meant and had part two of the conversation with me. There may even have been mentions of adoption earlier than four, but I remember being four and already basically knowing - it was just never verboten.
posted by phearlez at 3:03 PM on October 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

In addition to incorporating adoption storybooks into her life, and relating it to own story, parents can create (and later, help the child add to) a personal Lifebook. It's a kind of a scrapbook/storybook that start with their birth, and includes as many facts and mementos as possible of their first family, and everything leading to and including the adoption. There are various Lifebook kits or guides available from Amazon.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 3:29 PM on October 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm adopted and I would say that all of these suggestions are great. In my case, "Why Was I Adopted" (along with "Where Did I Come From") were always around. I wouldn't say that my parents made a big deal about my being adopted, it was just a basic fact of life. I can remember, when I was kid, people asking me when I found that I was adopted and replying that I had no idea, that I'd always known, just as I'd always known that I was a girl.
posted by lalalana at 5:41 PM on October 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

There is a Reading Rainbow episode based around the book Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies. The whole episode is about adoption and includes several other books about adoption and family. There is a collection of children's songs produced by the public radio program Sound and Spirit I've recommended before called Welcoming Children Into the World which includes a great song about adoption called Happy Adoption Day by John McCutcheon - which it turns out has also been turned into a book.
posted by nanojath at 7:38 PM on October 29, 2008

I would be sure to talk about it in these terms: "We adopted you/you were adopted" rather than "You are adopted." I don't know if children can catch the subtly, but I once read that it's important that adoption is treated as something that happened to them where they are now a member of your family, and not some status that will always set them apart from your family.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 7:39 PM on October 29, 2008 [2 favorites]

My birth daughter's adoptive parents told her from the start that they had adopted her; she grew up with it as a matter-of-fact part of her life story. When she was in grade school, she did a show-and-tell about it (her choice) where she described how she "grew in [bedhead's] tummy". We have an excellent relationship (she was the maid of honor at my recent wedding) and her mother is a counselor who works regularly with adoptive families - drop me a MeFi Mail if you want me to ask her mom for specific book recommendations or tips. There are many excellent answers in this thread.
posted by bedhead at 7:54 PM on October 29, 2008

A very close friend of mine and his spouse created a little book for their adopted daughter which was pictures and a simple story of her adoption and how everyone felt about it. It was a very brief, but very sweet honest story. When I met her at three (IIRC), she asked me to read it to her. I believe their goal was to primarily communicate "mommy and daddy love you very much and you're very special to us (and you were adopted)"
posted by plinth at 8:38 PM on October 29, 2008

My parents always talked about me being a "Chosen Child". I always liked that phase.

I would be sure to talk about it in these terms: "We adopted you/you were adopted" rather than "You are adopted."

I'd never thought about the grammar of it before. That makes sense completely.
posted by chronic sublime at 2:50 AM on October 30, 2008 [1 favorite]

phrase. Damn.
posted by chronic sublime at 2:51 AM on October 30, 2008

Two kids, the first adopted and the second not. "The Chosen One" and "The First Born" is a bit of an inside joke for us. In reality, we've been matter of fact about it from the start, but essentially treat it as her private matter and outside of medical contexts, it's up to her who she tells and doesn't tell. We don't treat it as a big deal nor a secret and a good number of people know, but she's in charge of her story and who gets to know.

Mum is her real mum and her biological mum is the one who bore her.
posted by idb at 8:37 AM on October 30, 2008 [1 favorite]

Margot Tenenbaum was adopted at age two.
Her father had always noted this when introducing her.

"This is my adopted daughter Margot Tenenbaum."
posted by Akeem at 9:44 AM on October 30, 2008 [1 favorite]