Help me both a Good and Bad Father for Halloween

October 26, 2008 8:21 PM

Dressing as a Preist (leaning more toward Irish Catholic one )for Halloween. Looking for ideas and wierd and funny things to say. So far i found this Things you dont want a Preist to say was hoping to query the hive mind for funnier things and ideas.
posted by Rolandkorn to grab bag (14 comments total)

I assume you've seen the costume with the attached plastic kid with the head strategically placed over the priest's crotch?
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:29 PM on October 26, 2008

The "Last Rites" from Johnny Dangerously.
posted by justkevin at 8:41 PM on October 26, 2008

"OK, look, Dougal, this is very small. And this (point to something in the distance) is faaaar away...! Very small... far away."

Hopefully, at least one of your friends has seen Father Ted.
posted by droplet at 8:45 PM on October 26, 2008

"I'M NOT A PREACHER MAN!"
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:55 PM on October 26, 2008

Have you ever seen the movie "Cat Ballou"? A lot of fun, and well worth watching. (Lee Marvin won an academy award for his role.)

One of the characters in it occasionally disguises himself as a pastor (not a priest) and he has a standard speech he gives that would be great for you, if you memorized it. (It's been fifteen years since I saw it last, so I can't tell you what it was.)
posted by Class Goat at 9:00 PM on October 26, 2008

I have never seen the Cat Ballou but ia m going to check it out. I saw that the Farelly Brothers consider it to be one of there favorite movies. Thanx Class please keep the answer coming..
posted by Rolandkorn at 9:13 PM on October 26, 2008

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
posted by netbros at 9:24 PM on October 26, 2008 [3 favorites]

-Call all the girls you meet "my child". As in "you've been very bad, my child", "you need to be punished, my child", "may the lord be with you, my child"

-"How long has it been since your last confession?"

-"You need three hail marys and 3 minutes with me in the closet in the closet"

-You can say just about anything about the "body" of christ and the "blood" of christ as they relate to other body parts and fluids

-You need a spanking

-*holding a flask* "it's holy water my child, don't leave home without it"

Yes, I have done this before . . . yes, it goes over well . . . yes, I have an anal-bead rosary . . . yes, I am going straight to hell
posted by milqman at 10:45 PM on October 26, 2008 [2 favorites]

I will be buying some Rosary beads and working on a tale. Thanx Milqman. Please keep them coming.
posted by Rolandkorn at 10:48 PM on October 26, 2008

The elderly priest was cleaning up his office one Friday morning. In the back of the office, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He showed his secretary the box to ask her about the contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for the last 25 years. Disappointed and hurt, the priest asked her, "WHY?" The secretary replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The priest felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."
posted by netbros at 1:12 AM on October 27, 2008

- if the poison doens't get you... God will

and bring a roll of cellophane with you
posted by uandt at 2:00 AM on October 27, 2008

I assume you've seen the costume with the attached plastic kid with the head strategically placed over the priest's crotch?
posted by Inspector.Gadget

This is probably one of the best costumes I've ever worn, and it's super easy, too. Just wear black pants and a black button-down shirt with a thin strip of paper across the front of your neck. The kid is easy to make, too. Just get some old sweatpants and a sweater, stuff with newspaper or whatever to fill out the legs body and arms, tie up the hands and feet (maybe with shoes and gloves if you're motivated) and put a baseball cap on top, and attach to your crotch with safety pins (also attach his feet to yours, and his hands to your hips (or butt!)).

Went over great at the party and in class (this was years ago). However, it was a little embarassing when I was travelling to the party (with the kid in a bag, cause it was a longish walk) and passed by a real priest who smiled and nodded at me, as if I was his brother in God. It's a good thing the kid wasn't already attached at that point!
posted by Grither at 5:11 AM on October 27, 2008

Be sure to dance to any songs with inappropriate lyrics - while in character. Seeing a priest bopping politely to "My Lumps" is hilarious. Bonus points for singing along. Think priest-at-a-wedding.
posted by tiny crocodile at 6:23 AM on October 27, 2008

"I'm not a fascist. Fascists dress in black and tell people what to do whereas priests ... um... More drink!"
posted by Gratishades at 6:33 AM on October 27, 2008