I just (don't) want to be friends.

October 24, 2008 5:57 PM

Is there ever a tactful way to let someone know you don't want to be friends? What to do in an instance of hurt feelings.

To be specific: I'm a college student, and I met another student at an online dating site. We went out for a casual lunch, and I paid for his since he claimed to have forgotten his college ID with which we buy meals. He made a jokey comment that now I would have to meet him a second time.

We made friendly conversation but I don't feel we connected at all and I was actually turned off by some of the things he said. He made many comments about wanting to hang out with my friends, and how they would get along so well, and were way better than his terrible roommates, and could my roommate help him with their shared major, and so on.

He contacted me the next day and I told him I wasn't feeling a connection. He replied and over the course of several messages told me I had misunderstood (though he treated this as a date beforehand) and he just wanted to be friends, and could he come hang out with my friends and roommates, and did I want to come over and watch a movie, and we had to meet up again at least once so he could buy me lunch.

I don't think his intentions are bad, (I think he is just lonely or very socially unaware) but at this point I'm feeling both put-upon and used. I told him my life is very busy, and not to worry about buying me lunch, but that I might see him around the school sometime. He responded very coldly that he would take the hint (with some other choice words.)

Should I say something else to him? Should I just leave it as it is?

To be more general, it would be helpful for me to know what to do in future similar situations. (If a an acquaintance is using you, or a failed romantic interest wants to just be friends, or any situation where one would prefer not to be friends at all.) I don't want to lead someone on and would prefer to be straightforward. What's your policy, especially if they won't let it drop?

posted by anonymous to human relations (25 comments total)

Just leave it, I think he'd use any further communication to try and manipulate or guilt you into hanging out with him.
posted by glip at 6:03 PM on October 24, 2008

ignore him. he's being a creep.
posted by moxiedoll at 6:05 PM on October 24, 2008

If it gets really creepy or annoying after a few days call campus security to get him to leave you alone.
posted by BoldStepDesign at 6:09 PM on October 24, 2008

Just leave as is, you did exactly the right thing ("I told him my life is very busy"...) and his reaction shows he gets it.

I think cold-turkey ignoring someone is rude, so I generally use the same tactic. If they fail to take the hint and keep contacting me I'll just be slow to respond and only do so with impersonal media, like email and IMs saying "still so busy!"
posted by oblio_one at 6:11 PM on October 24, 2008

You don't like him. Which is fortunate, because at this point he's never going to like you. Or even feel neutral about you. So, just ignore him.
posted by Netzapper at 6:11 PM on October 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

Dude's a clinger: use the ejector seat.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 6:13 PM on October 24, 2008 [2 favorites]

On preview, how is the guy being a creep? OP doesn't say he's still contacting her after being told that OP was 'busy.' Would those posters make the same comments about a friendly girl the OP had met?
posted by oblio_one at 6:13 PM on October 24, 2008

oblio-one, the whole "wanting to hang out with my friends, and how they would get along so well, and were way better than his terrible roommates, and could my roommate help him with their shared major" = very weird for a first meeting.

I agree with the others. Just tell him you're busy, and that's that.
posted by roger ackroyd at 6:21 PM on October 24, 2008

For sure let it go. Do you want to be friends with him? It doesn't sound like you do, and from your description, with good reason. So why would you attempt any more contact? Let him be cold and a little mad at you .. you're better off without this one. He sounds clingy and manipulative. Your straightforward approach is the right one. You can be decent and kind without being a doormat. You don't owe this guy a thing, so let it be. If you run in to him, say hi pleasantly and just keep on walking.
posted by Kangaroo at 6:25 PM on October 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

You did the right thing -- you knew what you wanted, you communicated it, you stuck to your guns. I don't think you need to say anything else. Just because he got offended and sorta lashed out doesn't mean you did anything wrong. We all sometimes get rejected, and maybe we handle it gracefully at the time, and maybe we don't. But don't let his reaction make you feel like you did anything wrong or that you need to somehow try to smooth over his feelings. Someone else might have taken it in stride.
posted by salvia at 7:11 PM on October 24, 2008 [3 favorites]

On preview, how is the guy being a creep? OP doesn't say he's still contacting her after being told that OP was 'busy.' Would those posters make the same comments about a friendly girl the OP had met?

It was creepy because it was too much, way too fast, way too soon. This is not a situation that's limited to one gender - it's always creepy.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 7:14 PM on October 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

better than his terrible roommates
he would take the hint

Well, gracious, this fella sounds like a reeeal Sour Puss. You're probably tempted to contact him again so that you can feel like you see eye to eye, and won't feel like you've wronged him. But nothing you can do will make such a Gloomy Gus refrain from broadcasting "I Have Been Wronged" at you, so yeah, just ignore the lad.
posted by Greg Nog at 7:35 PM on October 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

He wasn't creepy; he was clumsy. You don't owe him any further explanation, but honestly telling him how put off you feel would probably be good for him in the long run, if you're interested in helping him.
posted by mpls2 at 7:42 PM on October 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

I think in this case you've done enough, but for the future in these circumstances you might say, "To be honest, I've started dating someone else... I know you just want to be friends, but I wouldn't want him to think something was going on since we met online. I'm sorry, but there's no way for us to pursue a friendship right now." It's a nice way to blow someone off in a believable "It's not you, it's me" way. Works best in an email.
posted by letahl at 8:13 PM on October 24, 2008

...honestly telling him how put off you feel would probably be good for him in the long run, if you're interested in helping him.

Unfortunately, that often leads to the other person "trying to change" and you end up having to reject them over and over as they completely fail to win your affection even if they do stop doing that annoying thing.
posted by davejay at 8:15 PM on October 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

Oh, and I second the "I'm dating someone else" thing, because it's unassailable. I once met a woman by walking out my front door just as someone jumped out and grabbed what I thought was her purse; I (stupidly*) gave chase and got it back, but tore my jeans in the process. She was very nice, got in touch with me and asked to meet me at a cafe, and thanked me (again) for what I'd done and gave me a gift certificate to replace my jeans with -- all very nice. She was attractive, though, and so I asked if she wanted to go out sometime, and she used that excuse.

I wasn't offended; it's always nice when people are up-front in a way that doesn't expose them to risk, and it's unfair to expect them to expose themselves to risk in situations like that. By that, I mean the risk of having the person be "oh, but that won't be a problem, because..." -- as the only response to "I'm dating someone else" other than "oh, okay" is "oh, but that won't be a problem, because [some arrogant statement that suggests cheating is okay]", and who would do that except a total creep (thus giving you the right to turn your nose up at them.)

*ultimately, he was much larger than me, and he knew the stakes better than I did -- it turned out to be her laptop, not her purse. I ended up on the ground with the bag, him standing a bit away and obviously debating whether to grab it back or run, and so I said "just go" and I'llbedamned if he didn't. Lucky for me; if I'd thought about it for even a moment before chasing, I wouldn't have done it. Damn reflexes.
posted by davejay at 8:22 PM on October 24, 2008

I don't think you need to say anything more to him.
posted by Nattie at 8:33 PM on October 24, 2008

The internationally accepted tactic for when someone from a dating website is contacting you but you're not interested is: ignore them and don't reply. Saves you having to write a polite but sufficiently firm rejection email, saves them the embarrassment/bad feelings of being rejected.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 8:50 PM on October 24, 2008

A nice firm "fuck off" does the trick pretty well, if you're the type that doesn't mind burning a bridge here and there.
posted by baphomet at 10:07 PM on October 24, 2008 [3 favorites]

Leave as is. I don't think you did anything out of line. You went above and beyond, fulfilled your perceived obligation, and that's that.

Giving a hint is a socially gracious way to allow the other person off the hook without causing excess embarrassment. The unwritten rule is that the hintee takes the hint, responds graciously ("OK, see you around! Thanks for lunch!") and everyone parts with egos intact. If the other person doesn't play by the rules, for whatever reason, then there's nothing you can do.

Don't worry about him being upset. When you tell someone something they don't want to hear, that's what happens.
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 10:40 PM on October 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

The tactful way is to keep putting off the person, and then stop returning their calls/emails/messages. If they are importunate, then tact will not serve you and you'll have to do what you did.

Leave this one be. You have nothing more to gain by interacting with this person, and you risk hurting his feelings still further. I'm sure he would prefer to forget about you.
posted by ikkyu2 at 11:52 PM on October 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

On preview, how is the guy being a creep?

I think cursing at someone who tells you they're busy and will see you around is a creep move.

When it comes to friends in general, "I'm dating someone" doesn't really work. I go for the long, slow, method of always being busy doing something else. Maybe I invite them to the occasional big party. I don't feel like it's necessary to say I DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU EVER.

I feel like it's kinda rude to say something like that, actually. If you don't want to hang out with someone, just...don't hang out with them.

It's more awkward if you have mutual friends, but generally the same rules apply.

If someone is going to get OH NO hurt and angry because someone doesn't want to spend time with them, they are the ones with the problem, not you.
posted by sondrialiac at 5:39 AM on October 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

What you did was the best thing possible. Just because it was tactful does not mean it will be comfortable. Rare is the person who handles rejection with humility and grace, but I would still recommend doing exactly what you did this time even though the reaction wasn't pleasant for you.
posted by agentwills at 6:09 AM on October 25, 2008

Become their friend on Twitter, then just unfollow them.
posted by smoothhickory at 7:40 AM on October 25, 2008

hey, anon: thanks for posting this. i'm in my second year back at college ("mature" student. ha ha) and i have had to field this kind of issue a few times over the past 4 or 5 months (i study through the summer). i haven't come up with an ideal way to field these scenarios, and usually i try not to be a jerk (foolishly assuming other people are like me, mean well, take hints, etc). i have pretty much given up on finding a way to stay in-the-right and get my message across. what i've said a couple of times is "look, i'm sorry i'm a bit weird and i haven't figured out a socially acceptable way to say things but: I am really busy and I don't have any time to make new friends (this year/these days/period). I'm really protective of my time, so I'm sorry but I'm not able to spend time/hang out/etc with you."

totally graceless, i know. i've received some good feedback along the lines of, "okay. i get it" and decent but not harsh distance. i also received one "you are such a *$^%! for not spending the time to...?!" (i don't even know what this person wanted from me); and then the other came out with "i love you. we should be together" - which was really inappropriate and weird; more creepy than cute. so, um, i guess i doesn't really matter what i say.

if you made it this far in this long, ranty post than thanks. and good luck with the social quandaries!
posted by tamarack at 10:33 AM on October 25, 2008 [1 favorite]