Eek! Meeting the family for the first time...at Christmas

October 23, 2008 11:25 AM

My boyfriend of six months has asked me to come home with him for Christmas to meet his (large) family. I'm looking forward to it, along with the standard first-time-meeting-the-parents jitters, but I'm not sure how Christmas plays into all this.

I realize I'm not expected to bring gifts for all of these people I've never met (and I'm not expecting to receive anything), but I do feel that I should at least bring his parents (who we're staying with) an extra nice host+Christmas gift. What would you give? I'd like it to be a "thing" rather than taking them out for dinner or something, although if that's the most appropriate/nicest thing, I'll do that instead.

More info: my boyfriend and I are both in our midtwenties living in NYC. We're both getting established in our careers and I'm also a grad student. His family is in the midwest, and my budget is $50-100. I was thinking something NYC-centric, or something edible or flowers...but I'm kind of stumped. I'll be checking with him for specifics, of course, but I hoped the hive mind could give me ideas to bounce off of him.

Any other advice or tips for the first time meeting the family are appreciated--it has been a loooooong time since I met a significant other's family for the first time, and I've never spent a holiday with someone else's family. And also, this significant other is, well...sort of more significant than past ones, if you know what I mean. I want to get this right.

posted by purplecurlygirl to shopping (40 comments total)

I brought a few bottles of wine. I would also suggest a giant bag of Bazzini Pistachios. (I brought that the following year.)
posted by spec80 at 11:31 AM on October 23, 2008

Whenever stumped, I always try and drag along some NYC-only food item. Magnolia Cupcakes (May not make the trip, but the cookbook, mayhaps?) or some chocolates for La Maison or Jacques Torres. Maybe an over-rated Junior's Cheesecake?
posted by GilloD at 11:33 AM on October 23, 2008

How about some beautifuuly framed photos of your SO and his family? If he has some nice family photos, you can copy them cheaply and frame them. And your SO can help pick out the photos. "Oh, not that one, it's hanging on their foyer wall." "This would be a good one, it's the only copy that exists."

That sort of thing.

It would show them that you value his relationship with them, and what parents don't love family pictures? (I'm saying this assuming that he has a relatively functional family dynamic if he is willing to travel across the country and be with them for Christmas).

Photo frames travel well too if they are wrapped in bubble wrap.
posted by archimago at 11:35 AM on October 23, 2008

What about a small holiday trinket/decoration? Something that would be brought out every year that could remind them of the first time you met the family. Not as sentimental now (so it shouldn't be obvious) but possibly years down the road everyone would smile remembering your first Christmas...
posted by doorsfan at 11:38 AM on October 23, 2008

Also, other than with my shining personality, I won over my SO's family by helping clean up after meals at holidays. Even when they insisted I sit and relax, I jumped up and washed dishes, made coffee, helped put away the folding tables, etc.
posted by archimago at 11:40 AM on October 23, 2008

definitely some wine if they'd be okay with. something new york/east coast specific would be nice--something that they couldn't easily get at home.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 11:53 AM on October 23, 2008

It's difficult to recommend an actual gift, as you are meeting them for the first time and don't know what their tastes are. Also, some people don't have room for a lot of stuff, which makes edible treats a good idea.

You could bring a Christmas tree ornament, which is small and could be tied somehow to New York.

As for advice on how to act... I would try to be as pleasant as you can, and practice your conversational skills. I know that when I'm around my close relatives I can be kind of a Negative Nancy and complain about various things, but I try to limit that to more of a jokey 'you know how it is!' demeanor when I'm with people that I don't know well.

Avoid hanging onto your boyfriend and only talking with him. That doesn't go over well because the relative think that you're either stuck up or scared of them.
posted by amicamentis at 12:01 PM on October 23, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Bring something that is a part of holiday traditions at your home.
posted by sulaine at 12:22 PM on October 23, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Tea/coffee can also be a good choice (there are speciality tea shops I know, I don't remember if there's any coffee brewers), and seconding the chocolate (I remember chocolate bar in nyc) as both are good to share with the whole crew, if there's younger siblings/cousins around. Also remember wine may be more difficult with carry-on restrictions. Other ideas: a nice scarf in a basic color, neat houseware/ornament/stationery from a museum store, recipe from your family to share.
posted by ejaned8 at 12:35 PM on October 23, 2008

Thanks, everyone--a New York-themed Christmas tree ornament or decoration is a great idea. And I think wine would be ok--his mom likes alcohol and his dad likes chocolate, or maybe it's the other way around, so at least it wouldn't be offensive. My boyfriend doesn't drink so he probably won't be any help picking something they'd like, but his roommate has great taste AND has met the family so I might pick his brain a little.

As for how to act, I'm mostly worried I won't be able to keep everyone straight--the extended family is so large they eat and open presents in shifts (!!). I'm not the best with names and I never know what to call people (like his parents--first name? Mr./Mrs. LastName? Pops?). My boyfriend has told me his family will love me, and I have an excellent (still call her "2nd Mom") relationship with one ex's mom and a good relationship with another's mom, so I know that it's doable...it's just been four or five years since I had to do this for the first time.

I think I'm also nervous because my family doesn't have many traditions--my parents are divorced so I spent only every other Christmas with any given family member, and that didn't really allow us to build traditions. Most of the time we didn't celebrate Christmas on the actual day due to the visitation schedule and sometimes my mom/step-dad would volunteer to work at the hospital so parents of young children could spend the day at home. I'm not used to Christmas being much more than an hour of opening presents and saying thank you.
posted by purplecurlygirl at 12:38 PM on October 23, 2008

Get the boyfriend to prep you ahead of time on who's who, with a spreadsheet (columns: Name, Relation, Age, Job, etc.) and pictures, if possible. You don't have to show off knowledge of them immediately, but it'll ease your initial meeting, knowing that you have something to rely on.

Even if you're told to relax, have a recipe or two that you can contribute (i.e. make from scratch), if not for the main family event, at some other time during your trip. Any of your old standbys or family recipes will be welcome.
posted by knile at 12:51 PM on October 23, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

HA HA HA--knile, you said spreadsheet.

That's actually an EXCELLENT idea because, well--we fell for each other when we saw each other's spreadsheets.
posted by purplecurlygirl at 12:54 PM on October 23, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

If there are kids involved, little bags of holiday themed candy might be good. I know there are plastic M&M dispensers that look like M&M people and have Christmas themes around the holidays. These are usually a hit with kids under 10 or so, and they like to refill them will candy later on.
As for the parents, seconding wine. Don't forget a nice Christmas card with a heartfelt handwritten senitment thanking them for having you share the holiday with their family. One year, I put a flat ornament inside the card (it was a silver dipped flattened pine tree branch end, quite lovely).
Also, depending on how homey and domestic his family and extended family are, I find it nice to give interesting baking mixes. Things like pumpkin pancake mixes or fancy brownie mixes or whatever suits their tastes. These things are available all over and usually come in little cloth flour bags, tied with ribbons, and a fancy scoop or cookie cutter attached. Usually they fun about $10-$15.
So, $20 for kids' candy, $30 for wine, $10 for card and ornament, $40 for baking mixes to give to all the other adult family members. Adjust accordingly. $100 total=everyone covered=you look like a Christmas angel.
posted by greta simone at 12:57 PM on October 23, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Make sure you can pick a time to just have a moment to have a chat with just his mom, or just his dad. I know that might be difficult in the craziness of a big family holiday get together, but I'm sure they'd appreciate you taking a moment to get to know them and for them to get to know you. Seconding being very helpful around the house - always clean up after yourself and offer to do more.

Games are always a good way to get a family get together. Even if it's as simple as Bingo with funny dollar store prizes to give away to winners - it's always fun and lots of people can play at the same time, even young kids.
posted by HeyAllie at 12:57 PM on October 23, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

the RUN about , not fun about. But they ARE fun!
posted by greta simone at 12:58 PM on October 23, 2008

shit, they not the. I'm going away now.
posted by greta simone at 12:59 PM on October 23, 2008

greta, I know just what you're talking about! And I can actually MAKE some of those--my mom does dry bean soups and baked goods jars, and sent me a collection of recipes for these. That would be great.

I'm not sure how many little kids there are, actually--seems like most everyone's junior high or older, except for one 5-year-old nephew. I should check on that.

HeyAllie, that's great advice about getting to know his parents one-on-one in the midst of everything. I might be way too willing to hide behind the bustle of the holidays, but I do want to really get to know the people who made this amazing person and let them get to know me.
posted by purplecurlygirl at 1:01 PM on October 23, 2008

Ask your boyfriend to help you & write out cram cards (index cards) on each major family member, how they're related, marital status, kids etc. Get the roomie to help and try to remember a name and a fact about each major family member.

There is nothing more impressive than saying "Oh, Cousin Sheila? Aren't you from Duluth?" especially in a large family gathering. Shows you care & that you listen.

As for a gift - how about fancy chocolates and a wine that will compliment them? Merlot and truffles pair well) Check out places like winebasket.com to get ideas.
posted by jaimystery at 1:04 PM on October 23, 2008

And how funny would it be years from now if it all works out? "And then Daddy made Mommy a spreadsheet with pictures of Grandma and Grandpa and everybody..."
posted by bitter-girl.com at 1:08 PM on October 23, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Another thing SO Moms love?...

On the morning you're leaving, strip your bed. Remake the coverlet and fold the sheets and pillow cases, ready for the laundry.
posted by bonobothegreat at 1:21 PM on October 23, 2008

The Transit Museum Shop has wonderful, inexpensive, NYC-centric gifts. Mugs with subway signs on them are about $4.50. There is a branch in Grand Central. They are VERY unique.

I have dealt with parents who are not so nice. So please look at me being the devil's advocate here.

I would caution against wine or chocolate the first time visiting. I know that your boyfriend is lovely and I am sure his parents are perfectly lovely, but some parents are going to look at the wine and think, "Hmmm, I wonder how much of this she drinks?" and not in a GOOD way. And the chocolate could upset a mother who was watching her weight. Once you've been there one time, you will know if wine or chocolate will be appropriate in the future.

I think it would be a little presumptuous to start bringing family photos too, unless you are an artist, a photographer, or a professional framer and can do something special and unique. That could look like you are ingratiating yourself in a little too much. It's a little too "fiancee" for me.

The prep is an interesting idea but no one is going to expect you to know everything about everyone. Know a little, don't know too much.

Yes, offer to help and clear and watch the non-verbal cues about how the family splits up after eating. Even though it may kill you to go in and clean up while the men watch sports. that's what you gotta do if all the girls are donig it. Even if Mom shoos you out of the kitchen, find something to do.

You want to make a good impression but you don't want to try TOO hard. Just think company manners and you'll be fine. If writing homey sentiments is you, then do it. If it's not, dont force it, or it will look fake and bad.
posted by micawber at 1:25 PM on October 23, 2008

On thinking about it, boyfriend cannot even NAME all the people in a family photo from last Christmas, and it's the one of the blood relatives only. I certainly should not feel bad keeping them all straight!

We can do a spreadsheet/index cards on the important ones, though...

Also, boyfriend's roommate's girlfriend lives in the same town, and I have met another of my boyfriend's friends who lives there, and both have promised to rescue me for a few hours from all the family stuff if it gets to be too much.

Keep your advice coming--I'm definitely getting more excited as the butterflies wear off!
posted by purplecurlygirl at 1:28 PM on October 23, 2008

I think the family will be understanding if you do not remember all their names. After all, it's super easy for all of them to know your name... not so much the other way around.
posted by spec80 at 1:38 PM on October 23, 2008

If he's got little cousin's be prepared to be attacked intermittently[not literally] and entertain them some, my cousin brought his GF home for the first time last Christmas to our fairly large family and all the little kids (5-10) were at always clamoring for her attention. Its cute but it can wear on you so make sure you and your BF have a place to get away to for some not with small children time. Also be prepared to endure some weird traditions etc, esp since you're not used to them. I know my family toned it down a bit but its pretty hard to get rid of old habits like a little friendly teasing every now and then. Overall a little help here and there goes a LONG way towards winning parental approval.
posted by Sgt.Grumbless at 1:39 PM on October 23, 2008

Oh! I forgot. If someone, say your boyfriend, introduces you to another family member, make sure you find out how they prefer to be addressed.
posted by spec80 at 1:40 PM on October 23, 2008

spec, it'll be very easy for them to remember my name...it's the same as his last girlfriend's!

(Oddly, his brother is also dating a girl who has the same name as HIS last girlfriend...I'm prepared for some teasing of the couples as well).
posted by purplecurlygirl at 1:45 PM on October 23, 2008

I think the family will be understanding if you do not remember all their names. After all, it's super easy for all of them to know your name... not so much the other way around.
Agreed. If I were a family member, I might be slightly weirded out by your comprehensive knowledge of my intricate family tree. I don't think you want to go in knowing nothing, but a good outline will serve well enough, and then you have an automatic conversation starter. "Oh, so you and Mark are married? How many kids do you have?" People like to talk about themselves, generally. Especially good with older relatives who really like to tell stories about the family tree and history, and you learn a lot about your potential-family-in-law.

I think you should trust your boyfriend's assessment that they will love you, be yourself, be helpful as suggested above, and enjoy yourself. People can tell when you are enjoying yourself, and it tends to be endearing.

Gift-wise, NYC museum gifts are a great idea. I also love the ornament plan.
posted by butternut at 1:55 PM on October 23, 2008

Try this article or this one on remembering names.

Love the ornament idea as well.
posted by NoraCharles at 2:01 PM on October 23, 2008

Black and white cookies would be a good NY food gift, maybe along with an ornament and a bouquet.
posted by rmless at 2:02 PM on October 23, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Well, the first Christmas with my boyfriend's family, I made a few different kinds of cookies, and some Hershey Kisses, and made up a few "gift baskets" of the treats. I took one when we went to his parents's house, and one to each of the Grandparents' houses... (But I'm Midwestern, and do domestic-y things like that...)
An ornament for the tree is a neat idea, too.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 2:09 PM on October 23, 2008

There have been some great gift suggestions. I thought I might add some experiences of large Christmas gatherings (I'm one of eight kids, my dad is one of eight, several of his siblings have 6 or more kids, so family events are huuuuuuuge).

Don't worry about names. I still have trouble remembering all the first cousins, so you definitely wont get in trouble for it. You'll have a lot of meeting and greeting and telling the same story (what do you do? how did you meet?) over and over again, and you'll probably have to be adept at being nice and presentable to the grandparents, being adult and interesting to the parents, being fun and friendly to the cousins, and being engaging and comfortable with the younger kids. It's a big ask, but a lot of fun. Best of luck!
posted by twirlypen at 2:22 PM on October 23, 2008

"I'm definitely getting more excited as the butterflies wear off!"

You're going to do fine, your positive attitude towards these people is sure to show through, especially if you prepare some little treats for people that you will be happy giving out.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:22 PM on October 23, 2008

For conversation, if I were in your shoes I'd be curious if the various parent-types had heard of the Christmas Pickle. I'd be curious just in an "around these parts what are the typical customs" kind of way. But also, I'd think the idea of the Christmas Pickle would be something interesting for people to hear about if they hadn't heard of it before. Plus, if you don't have a strong Christmas tradition, if you get a well-meaning question like "so what does your family do at Christmas?" you could minimize any panicky sense of "oh no they want to hear something about me and there isn't much to tell". You could just answer that there aren't strong traditions, but that you have heard that a lot of families have the Christmas Pickle game. In fact, it might be a nice idea to look at other traditions around Christmas before you go, both for conversation and to entertain yourself if there's a lull by noticing little things they do or don't do to celebrate.
posted by lorrer at 2:55 PM on October 23, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I did this exactly one year ago. Box of gourmet chocolates and a nice bottle of wine. Not many people turn down wine & chocolates.
posted by MaxK at 5:27 PM on October 23, 2008

I wouldn't worry so much about remembering names and relations...if you forget someone just make it part of your charming personality.


Or in other words, go to have a great time, bring a little something like wine or chocolates to break the ice...but as for the rest just relax, be yourself and enjoy it! (or rent the movie Meet the Parents beforehand to get over any nervousness...heh)
posted by samsara at 6:37 PM on October 23, 2008

Come up with a signal - a head-nod or something - for when you don't know who someone is and he can whisper name/relation.

If you're not sure how to address parents, how about going with the cute southern tradtion of Miss/Mister Firstname...it's less formal than Mrs./Mr. Lastname, but more formal than just Firstname. Or if that is awkward for you, go with Mrs./Mr. Lastname - they will probably say "Oh call me Betty/Bob" or whatever.
posted by radioamy at 9:31 PM on October 23, 2008

radioamy, that's a good suggestion--and I AM from the South, so I could get away with it!
posted by purplecurlygirl at 6:36 AM on October 24, 2008

For the parents' names, have your boyfriend introduce you formally - "Girlfriend, this is my mom, Mrs. Lastname." And then mom usually follows up with "Please, call me Firstname!" or whatever. If she doesn't, then you call her Mrs. Lastname like you were introduced. This is why I call my SO's parents "Mama Lastname" and "Papa Lastname," because that's how we were introduced.
posted by kidsleepy at 12:24 PM on October 24, 2008

I've found anything homemade is a hit with new-SO's-family. Doesn't have to prove you're a wunderkind cook; if you really want to avoid the "housewife" connotations I'd fall back on the wine & local flavor food idea.

BTW -
Come up with a signal - a head-nod or something - for when you don't know who someone is and he can whisper name/relation. (radioamy)

I've always told new girlfriends that the signal is a hand squeeze. It can be used both ways - if I hand squeeze her when talking to someone who knows me, it means "I've completely spaced this person's name! Help!", and she should say something whimsical like, "Oh, Broom is soo silly - he hasn't introduced us yet! I'm X..." ... and then I get to hear their name.
posted by IAmBroom at 4:58 PM on October 24, 2008

Take bagels! Real NYC bagels are magical and will make his parents love you.
posted by anildash at 9:52 PM on October 24, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]