Oaxacan Romance

October 21, 2008 12:18 PM

Looking for books explaining local customs re: romance/relationships in Southern Mexico (Oaxaca). Preferably reasonably modern.

I seem to have blundered into a (mutual) love-at-first-sight situation with an uneducated indigenous woman from a Oaxacan village. Yeah, I'm uncomfortable with the culture/power/money disparities, but...what can I say? We like each other.

She lives down there, has no interest in coming to America, and it seems clear that we will be playing, culturally, by her rules. And while I speak good Spanish and have a general overall understanding of the culture, I'm lacking the finer points. For example, "dating" doesn't seem to be an option; people down there don't have boyfriends or girlfriends, they have husbands and wives. I'm not necessarily unwilling to marry, but I'm used to the American model where you really get to know someone before taking that step! So I need to figure out how to proceed with care, neither unnecessarily leading her on nor confusing her with my hesitancy.

Obviously, I need to catch up on the cultural issues. Can anyone recommend any reasonably recent books (fiction or non-fiction) dealing with traditional customs of romance and relationships in that part of the world, so I can study up? Or if anyone has first-hand experience dating in traditional cultures, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

posted by jimmyjimjim to society & culture (3 comments total)

BTW, yes, I do see the contradiction in seeking a "reasonably modern" guide to traditional customs. But these things do evolve...
posted by jimmyjimjim at 12:23 PM on October 21, 2008

Wow, that's amazing. Congratulations on finding love in such an unexpected place.

I haven't read this book, but it's the closest I could find: Ciudadanías diferenciadas en un estado multicultural: los usos y costumbres en Oaxaca.

I only know that in Zapotec communities, it's common for the groom to "steal" the bride from her home (actually, they run away together), and then to return to her house and ask for her hand in marriage. It was also usual to display the blood stained bed linens after the marriage, to prove the bride was a virgin, but in this link they say it's not that common anymore.

If you don't intend to marry that woman, don't have sex with her or make anybody believe you did. I don't know if it's a very traditional community, maybe I'm exaggerating, but virginity is highly valued in indigenous cultures and you could destroy her life if you are not careful.
posted by clearlydemon at 1:37 PM on October 21, 2008

Thanks for the reply. I'll get the book.

She actually lives and works hours from home...drudge work in a restaurant, many hours per day, every day including Christmas. So while I'll definitely have to reckon with the family, it's less of an immediate barrier.

I don't think she's Zapotec...I think she's from one of the lesser-known groups. But you make a good point...first step would be to figure that out, and then research the customs of that group. Hmm...
posted by jimmyjimjim at 5:56 PM on October 21, 2008