Help me help you- err, her.

October 20, 2008 7:11 PM

Girlfriend is incredibly stressed out right now, what can I do for her?

She's a doctorate student and has a huge thing due tomorrow; it sounds like she's hit a wall and isn't getting anything done. I really want to do...something for her, but I have no idea what. I'm not in the same field as her, so I can't really help with the project, and she's already eaten so bringing her food probably won't help.

She's kind of in panic mode right now because of this impending due date plus two more later in the week, she's worried about when she's going to get any sleep, and I really want to do something to at least calm her down so she can concentrate a little better. Any ideas? It's already kind of late and we don't live together, so anything for tonight or tomorrow would be a great help.

posted by backseatpilot to human relations (22 comments total)

Go give her a backrub and a mug of tea, coffee, or hot chocolate, whichever she'd prefer. Just the gesture would likely help her a lot.
posted by internet!Hannah at 7:17 PM on October 20, 2008

I have been in your situation often, and your girlfriend's situation once or twice. There is nothing material you can give her that is likely to make anything better.
You can give her a call, and tell her three important things: one, that you're thinking of her, two, that you have faith in her ability to get the task finished, and three, that you'll be around to talk or help if she needs you.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 7:17 PM on October 20, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

*ask her* what you can do for her, and then LISTEN and do what she asks. not what anyone here says you should do, not what you think she's saying, but exactly what she says. and if you offer to go cross town in the rain to get her her favorite chocolate at the one bodega that has it, do it with absolute selfless cheer or don't offer.
posted by micawber at 7:18 PM on October 20, 2008 [8 favorites has favorites]

Get her to take a ten+ minute break and move around. If you were there, I'd say take a walk around the block. Maybe you can think about what makes sense in her circumstance. Sit up contest on the phone? Just a short break. (repeat as needed next hour, etc)

Ask her if it would help to explain the project to you in simple terms, what steps she has to get through by tomorrow, that sort of thing. Even if you can't follow it, it might help to talk it through.

She should plan on getting sleep. She should pick a realistic bedtime and get at least a couple hours' sleep (3-5 AM?). She should continue to drink water and eat enough (protein especially) to keep her going.
posted by LobsterMitten at 7:19 PM on October 20, 2008

To emphasize: Especially if she's at the point of not getting anything done, paralyzed and staring at the computer, she needs to take a short break - let her mind think about something other than panic, and move her body around. Sometimes cleaning the kitchen or some mindless thing like that works well. Jumping jacks? Going through a yoga series of sun salutations? etc
posted by LobsterMitten at 7:22 PM on October 20, 2008

(Ask first and...)
Stop her for 5 minutes every hour, and give her a back/neck rub, and make sure she stretches a bit (if she's typing, & given you're her boyfriend, gently rub along the pectorals from just under her arms along the line of the collar bones, they really tense up when typing).

Suggest regular protein snacks, power-naps (really - she'll get more done if she has naps under 40 mins, at the 1.5-2hr mark, so that she's not working in too badly a sleep deprived state as long as she can wake up again), and well... hope it all works out.

Sometimes you just want something to do, and massage meets that requirement. Other than that, just let her know you're here for her, be her sounding board if it's required (really - if she's getting stuck, say you don't mind listening to her try while she tries to explain it, even though you don't understand it - it still helps) and be as unobtrusive as possible when required.

Oh, and a nice cuppa tea if she drinks it.

Uh, that's about everything I can think of offhand to win super-awesome-bonus-partner points, but everyone's different.
posted by Elysum at 7:28 PM on October 20, 2008

Nth-ing backrubs and going for a brisk 15-20 minute walk. (It's nice out, too!)
posted by not_on_display at 7:33 PM on October 20, 2008

Call her and tell her you love her and support her efforts. There's nothing you can do to calm her down, she has to calm herself down. Ask if she needs or wants anything, and if she says no, don't push. Many a boyfriend has tried to help me through a deadline when I just really wanted to be left alone. YMMV, just be a good listener.

Here's what I do when I'm freaking out over thesis deadlines: I remind myself that although this seems like the most important thing I'll ever do, it's only one moment of a (hopefully!) long life, and it's my choice to be calm or crazy in the situation. That usually puts it all in perspective, and I'm finally ready to tackle the work. Maybe that idea might help her as well?
posted by Mouse Army at 7:34 PM on October 20, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Definitely nthing asking her what she needs.

Knowing you're there helps a lot. That said, really put emphasis on 'knowing', and not 'acutely aware'. When I'm hyper tense, I seem panicky and stressed out but that's just my way of working through my jumbled thoughts. Times like those, I don't want to be interrupted, told I'm loved (because then I feel obligated to say it back at a time when that's really the last thing on my mind), or touched.

Obviously, your girlfriend may be totally different and may crave the physical touch to steady her. Hence why you ASK. You don't want to light a fuse doing the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Oh, and don't take it personally if she snaps at you, or tells you there's nothing you can do. Sometimes there isn't. Sometimes you have to trust us to handle ourselves.
posted by Phire at 7:39 PM on October 20, 2008

Go give her a backrub and a mug of tea, coffee, or hot chocolate, whichever she'd prefer. Just the gesture would likely help her a lot.

Uh, won't that put her right to sleep?

Go get her three cups of coffee, one for now and two to microwave later.
posted by nicwolff at 7:39 PM on October 20, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Offer to sit there and read while she works. Sometimes a calming presence in the room helps. Sometimes someone being there with you but not interfering can help make people buckle down and get into it.
Ask her if she wants you to make her coffee or be her citation bitch or fetch papers or anything.
posted by rmless at 7:44 PM on October 20, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I would offer to do either dishes or laundry for her. I know these are the first things that go out the window when I'm stressed, and having my boyfriend offering to just be there or give me backrubs would probably just stress me out more because it would be a big distraction. Having you actually help me do things to free me up for work time, even if we don't live together, would actually alleviate some of the stress.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:51 PM on October 20, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

What a sweet question! I'm a single, stressed-out post-bac student, and I'd be thrilled to have a partner who thought like this.

I agree with others who recommend asking her if there's anything you can do for her, and if not, I'd say just let her know you care about her and believe in her abilities. That sort of reinforcement goes a long way, at least for me.
posted by velvet winter at 8:03 PM on October 20, 2008

I'm working under the assumption that you're not with her and can't go to her, or you would have not mentioned that you don't live together. (If you CAN go to her, see micawber's comment.) Anyway, call her up and if she's freaking out, remind her to breathe deeply. Tell her a funny story, a distraction. Make it up, make it something ridiculous. Do anything to make her laugh. Ask her when she wants to take another break, and call her at the appointed time. Play a game together online - maybe something like isketch where you can create your own private chatroom and draw funny pictures. My husband and I used to play some silly game on Yahoo messenger when we were dating long distance. Anyway, keep the breaks to 15 minutes or so, wish her well, and don't ask her how it's going, instead ask her how she is.
posted by desjardins at 8:36 PM on October 20, 2008

nicwolff: "Go give her a backrub and a mug of tea, coffee, or hot chocolate, whichever she'd prefer. Just the gesture would likely help her a lot.

Uh, won't that put her right to sleep?

Go get her three cups of coffee, one for now and two to microwave later."

All three of those things listed have caffeine.
posted by internet!Hannah at 8:54 PM on October 20, 2008

I have been there! Tonight, I would just send a nice e-mail (or call) to let you know you are thinking of her and you are there to help if she needs anything. Tomorrow, and any other pre-deadline day, I would bring her food. Dealing with meals while stressing over everything else can be such a pain! Bring awesome stuff too. Like... If she loves sushi, bring that. mmmm.... sushi.
posted by smalls at 9:12 PM on October 20, 2008

Good man. But ask her, not us.
posted by zardoz at 9:27 PM on October 20, 2008

This is all totally dependent on what she's like and what she needs. My advice is to take whatever she throws at you and not give her any crap back. When I'm super-stressed and hit the wall my boyfriend does the good boyfriend thing and tries to find a way to help. Generally it ends up with me freaking myself out and I have a little 15 minute breakdown, then pull myself together and get it all done relatively quickly. It might not be the most healthy, but sometimes people need to have a little meltdown before they can get over whatever's got them stuck. If that's the kind of person your girlfriend is, let her do whatever she's going to do and don't take it personally.
posted by lilac girl at 10:08 PM on October 20, 2008

I have found cunnilingus works wonders in these situations.

No, I'm serious.
posted by paultopia at 11:34 PM on October 20, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Yes, ask her--but likely she's paralyzed in asking you and really doesn't know what you can do to help. This happened to me this summer, my computer crashed and lost my final paper with three hours left before the deadline--and the backup crashed with it.

My boyfriend locked me in his room with my computer and all my books, brought me food and water periodically, and once came in to make me get up and move around. He removed all possible distractions and just gave me a big hug when I started yelling that there was no possible way I could get it done. He told me that it was absolutely possible and if anyone could do it I could.

I did. And I got an A.

If he had asked me what he could do, I wouldn't have been able to tell him because my mind was just racing trying to remember everything I had written. He just jumped in and made sure that I had nothing else to worry about. So--can you make sure she has food and something to drink (her favorites, if possible)? Make sure she has clean clothes (again, something she really likes and which is also comfortable). What in the house bothers or distracts her when it's messy (bathroom, dishes in the sink)? If you can clean it without distracting her, do so. Stop by and massage her shoulders and upper back (or wherever she carries stress) periodically. Speak encouraging words and do make sure she gets some sleep.
posted by purplecurlygirl at 6:52 AM on October 21, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

When my graduate student husband is stressed and working on something, I give him unsolicited backrubs and he really appreciates it.

Lots of hugs, too.
posted by Nattie at 9:11 AM on October 21, 2008

"You can't give me two women and expect to get 1 baby in 4.5 months."
posted by spatula at 5:21 PM on October 22, 2008