Lie by omission, does it break trust?

October 20, 2008 4:31 PM

I really have no logical basis for being so sad/mad at my boyfriend yet I am still upset. I don't want to be upset. I would call it a lie of omission, but I just wish that I never knew. Situation enclosed.

Currently: My boyfriend is in the service and has been away for 6 weeks, now we are supposed to move together. I have already left where we lived together to stay with my family (thousands of miles from there) and am currently waiting for him to pick me up and make the trip to our new home. However he needs to go and sign some papers back where we lived and stay for a week there before he sees me.
Why this bothers me:
During the period when I first started going on dates with my current boyfriend (9 months ago) the following situation occurred: He slept with some other chick. Okay. Later without knowing this I befriended her and we would all hang out together. I have found this out nine months later. I don't want to look at or speak with her.

Now that he has to go spend time in that geographic area without me I am uncomfortable with that notion. Prior to finding this out I had not even considered the notion of infidelity, but now since this information was withheld I am sad and uncertain.

posted by ibakecake to human relations (34 comments total)

Do you have a specific question?

Have you spoken to your boyfriend about it? If you're feeling this way, it's reasonable to bring it up with him. And it's reasonable for him to say 'it's over, long forgotten, I'd never do anything to hurt you, etc'. Then it's up to you to either trust him or not.
posted by twirlypen at 4:37 PM on October 20, 2008

I really have no logical basis for being so sad/mad at my boyfriend

He cheated on you and then he lied about it for months by not telling you, continuing to hang out with the girl he cheated on you with, even going as far as to let you hang out with her- you have plenty of stuff to be mad about. What went down when you "found out" (that phrase makes me nervous, did he even bother to tell you himself)?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:38 PM on October 20, 2008 [3 favorites]

You just found out that he cheated nine months ago? Um, it's totally understandable to be upset.
posted by desjardins at 4:40 PM on October 20, 2008

Insecurity is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Be more independent and carefree and he will find you even more attractive than he does right now.
posted by Zambrano at 4:43 PM on October 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

During the period when I first started going on dates with my current boyfriend (9 months ago) the following situation occurred:

At that point, were the two of you "boyfriend/girlfriend"? That is, had you come to a verbal agreement that you were exclusive? If not, the situation might be awkward, but I don't think your outrage is justified. If so, it sucks, and you'd be right to be questioning whether he's trustworthy.
posted by ripple at 4:48 PM on October 20, 2008 [4 favorites]

Smells fishy. Why can't someone fax or email him the papers so he can sign them in the same city as you and then mail them wherever they need to go? Why does he need to be in a certain city to sign some papers?
posted by infinityjinx at 4:48 PM on October 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

During the period when I first started going on dates with my current boyfriend (9 months ago) the following situation occurred: He slept with some other chick. Okay. Later without knowing this I befriended her and we would all hang out together. I have found this out nine months later. I don't want to look at or speak with her.

I think you need to be more clear by what you mean by "dating". If you mean that you were having infrequent dates, then yes you're right that you're being illogical. If you mean that you two were going steady, then no you have every right to be hurt and pissed as he did in fact cheat on you.
posted by Axle at 4:49 PM on October 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

You should be livid - I don't know why you're down on yourself for being upset that your boyfriend cheated on you, didn't come clean, and then let you humiliate yourself by believing that this girl was your friend. You should be uncertain about this guy.
posted by moxiedoll at 4:50 PM on October 20, 2008

This happened when they first started going on dates and it's not clear that they were monogamous at that point. If she could clear it up, that would be great.

Also, is there any particular reason why he needs to stay a week? There are totally legit reasons why, but what has he said are the reasons?

Either way, back to your question:
Lie by omission, does it break trust?

What's important here is that it breaks trust for YOU. We all have certain standards and we all kinda expect others to live by them. Your BF didn't and you're having trouble understanding how someone could do that, especially someone you love.

The solution is to talk to him about this and explain why it bothers you. From there, ya'll can decide where to go. Emotions don't have logic so trying to apply that standard to them isn't always helpful. Something is bothering you, so you need to tell him that.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:53 PM on October 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm confused. Did he actually cheat on you, or did this other encounter occur during the period of time when you two weren't yet exclusively dating? If it is the former, and he cheated, then you yes you have a right to be angry and upset and you deal with that in whatever way you see fit. If it is the latter, which your post seems to say, then there is really nothing you can do but trust him. You voice your concerns and hope that he understands. Not every guy is going to jump at the chance to sleep with a girl he used to sleep with if he happens to run be in her general vicinity. If you don't trust him, then you discuss with him what he can do to gain your trust or you end things. The other girl really shouldn't factor in to it if neither of them broke any rules. It's ok to be uncomfortable around her, but it does really seem like this is an issue of your own insecurity. Would you want him to tell you about every girl he ever slept with upon you happening to meet her? That would make for some awkward social interaction.
posted by greta simone at 4:54 PM on October 20, 2008

No, we weren't exclusive at the time when he slept with her. Also at this time I had not slept with him but he was courting me. (I was not seeing/sleeping with anyone else.)

We have talked, he has apologized and told me that it was a huge drunken mistake.

I still don't feel better about it. I realize I am being insecure about this; but I don't want to be.
posted by ibakecake at 5:08 PM on October 20, 2008

Insecurity is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Be more independent and carefree and he will find you even more attractive than he does right now.

Yes, the proper response to a man's infidelity is to be more charming and attractive! Wait, was your question about your feelings or something?

Seriously, it's possible that he honestly did not believe that the two of you were exclusive, at a time when you were under the impression that you were. In that case, he didn't do anything wrong, but you're going to be upset. It's natural, it's human -- you're not doing anything wrong. You're allowed to feel hurt.

Examine the evidence, though, before you render a verdict of "cheater."
posted by Countess Elena at 5:10 PM on October 20, 2008

I think you have a right to be insecure and upset. Whether or not you and your boyfriend were exclusive at the time he slept with this girl, you'd generally expect to be told that he had a previous level of intimacy with a mutual acquaintance--especially a mutual friend--early in the relationship, not nine months later. That's his fault; he should have let you know, and withholding that information only ensures that you'll be wondering what else he hasn't told you.

Having said that, he didn't cheat on you, and he did tell you about it at some point. So talk to him, let him know how you're feeling, and hopefully he'll do his best to make you feel comfortable and safe and loved. Maybe you could go with him back to his old place?
posted by timoni at 5:16 PM on October 20, 2008

From what you describe, he didn't cheat. He's apologised, you found the other lady to be compatible with the two of you (so he was on the right track when he was looking and chose the one he was more compatible with), and now you're just working through the insecurity part.

Just let yourself move through the various stages of disappointment and insecurity, making sure to counter those messages with the things he does right and all of the positives you bring to the world.

Don't make him work for forgiveness, since there's precious little to forgive and he's already apologised. Be loving, mature, and open to the next stage of your lives.

Sure, something else could happen. No need to grieve it beforehand or sit frozen as you wait for it. Make your best faith effort in life and your relationships and you'll find it much easier to work through any barriers or challenges that come up.
posted by batmonkey at 5:19 PM on October 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

Ibakecake, I don't think your insecurity is irrational. This would really bother me as well. Logically, sure, if you weren't exclusive, he did not break a promise to you, but by failing to tell you that he was sleeping with someone else while courting you, he DID withhold personal information that, in my opinion at least (and many others', I suspect) would be relevant to your decision as to whether you wished to pursue a relationship with him. It can also be really upsetting to find out that when you were singlemindedly focused on him, and wrapped up in thoughts of him, he was still "unfettered" enough to be shagging someone else.

Moreover, when you date someone, you tend to piece together the story of your relationship, of how it started and developed and got to the point it's at today. This information about the other girl was relevant to the way y'all's history has unfolded, and until recently, you were missing it. Yep, I think it's pretty natural that your trust is shaken. You've found out that the story you were telling yourself about your relationship was wrong. And finding out abruptly that this "history" is in fact FALSE and didn't match HIS or the REAL version of your history can be profoundly unsettling and disturbing, and can definitely make for a loss of trust.

Now you've got to decide if you want to do the hard work to restore that trust, and continue with the relationship. He's given you his apology, which is good, but it's not enough to magically fix the fact that your vision of the relationship's development was not true, was based on a lie by omission. Why not talk to him? Just need to be open with him about why you're hurt, and where it's coming from, and make it clear to him that this is something you both are going to have to work through (regaining trust in him), whether it's logical or no. Assuming, of course, that you want to stay with him...
posted by artemisia at 5:24 PM on October 20, 2008 [2 favorites]

Well, I can tell you that I was in a similar situation to your boyfriends' (kinda). Years ago, I had a...friend with benefits. We didn't really date, but hung out a few times and slept together a few times. Problem was the last time we slept together I had started seriously dating my girlfriend. So there was some overlap. I felt really, really guilty about it and told my Friend With Benefits that I was dating someone else and we were getting serious and I couldn't hang out/sleep with her anymore. She was a bit hurt but was really cool about it. We stopped seeing each other and to this day I haven't contacted her.

BUT, about six months after I broke that off, and my gf actually randomly meets Friend With Benefits, through a friend of a friend, and girl talk being what it is, started talking about boys and sex, and--my name comes up. The wife finds about the Overlap and is furious. She confronts me and I admit the truth, but I do defend myself against being a total dog in the situation. I felt--and still feel--it is perfectly ok to "play the field" as long as you're honest about it with your partner. I wasn't, and that was my mistake. But I did break it off with Friends With Benefits in order to be with her, and hadn't even thought about her in months when my gf confronted me, and her anger and fear stemmed from the thought that I was still cheating on her after all that time, which wasn't true. And it took a long time to build that trust back up, but eventually she forgave me for it (mostly). And now she's my wife, so I guess that's a happy ending, no?

Anyway, the real question is do you think he's broken it off with this girl, or do you think he'll get back together with him? Whichever answer you come to is valid, though you might want to give him the benefit of the doubt. If he says it was a "drunken mistake", do you not believe him? Why not? If so, can you tell him in person why you don't believe him?

And this one week is not the real issue. If your bf wants to cheat on you in the future, or if you believe he wants to, that is the real issue.
posted by zardoz at 5:39 PM on October 20, 2008

I don't see why you call this a lie by omission. Your boyfriend wasn't exclusive with you during a time period in which you admit you guys weren't exclusive. I understand it makes you uncomfortable to hang around with this woman now, and that's not a problem. But how is that your boyfriend's fault?

It seems to me that getting mad at someone for dating other people when you are non-exclusive defeats the whole point of non-exclusivity. Other people seem to be disagreeing with my reading of the situation and believe he should not be seeing someone else, or at least tell you specifically about this girl. To me that's exactly what "non-exclusive" means. If he was only dating you, you guys would have been exclusive.

If you don't want a potential romantic partner to see other people it seems to me that you need to be clear that you expect exclusivity.
posted by Justinian at 5:47 PM on October 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

Yes, you have no right to be mad or jealous. But feelings aren't always rational- don't beat yourself up about being upset.
You have two options- you can get over it, and move forward with your relationship, or you can dwell on it and let make you unhappy. Presumably, you and your boyfriend are happy together and he's dating you because he wants to be with you, not this other girl. You can tell him how you're feeling, and that the idea of him (or you) hanging out with the girl makes you uncomfortable, but it's up to you as to whether or not something that happened before you were exclusively dating is going to ruin your current relationship or not.
posted by emd3737 at 6:13 PM on October 20, 2008

Yes, your trust was broken. Here's how I see it: At some point, the three of you were sitting at a table (or whatever) together. Only two of you knew the full story. You didn't.

I think you should tell him how that felt -- being an outsider, while the two of them kept this a secret between themselves... a secret they must've known you would want to know. Then, ask for what you want: Even if it is irrational, you would like him to not hang out in that same town for a week to sign papers.
posted by Houstonian at 6:20 PM on October 20, 2008 [2 favorites]

However he needs to go and sign some papers back where we lived and stay for a week there before he sees me.

What papers and why? Why a week? If you don't know the answers to these questions, or he flubs his answers when you ask, or tries to change the subject, or accuses you of being paranoid, then he is probably going to bang that other chick. Sorry.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 6:27 PM on October 20, 2008

Yes, your trust was broken. Here's how I see it: At some point, the three of you were sitting at a table (or whatever) together. Only two of you knew the full story. You didn't.

Exactly. This is why I think he should have told, because it's the kind of information (btw before you and I were a thing I hooked up once with my friend x) that is no big deal whatsoever before you get to know her, but a Big Embarrassing Thing if you find out later on. People aren't obligated to share their entire histories if they don't want to... but I think if you're going to be hanging out on an ongoing basis it's definitely best to give a head's up so your partner doesn't wind up feeling foolish.
posted by moxiedoll at 6:27 PM on October 20, 2008

First off, he's in the service. There could be any number of reasons why they want him in X place for a week. Or a day. Or 11 days. Or...whatever.

Anyway, this guy can't win. Had he told her that he had banged the other chick when he found out they were hanging out, he would have been in trouble. He didn't, and he's in trouble. I don't think you can call what he did cheating, although I have no idea what "we weren't exclusive but he was courting me" means at all.

Here's what I think. I think you have no idea what you're doing, and I mean that in a flattering way. You're young about to move a jillion miles away with a guy you haven't seen for the better part of a month and a half of your 9 month relationship. You've obviously got some insecurities, you're obviously throwing the entirety of your being into this relationship, and it pretty much seems like it's all happening very fast for you.

Sometimes in life you take a leap of faith, and sometimes it winds up being horrible. Others, it winds up being the best thing that could ever happen to you. I suggest you really actually look at what's going on here and decide what's right for YOU, and then I think magically you'll see why you're mad.
posted by TomMelee at 6:58 PM on October 20, 2008 [3 favorites]

Speaking as a female, I see no reason to tell anyone else who I am doing things with or what I am doing.

On those cases where someone wants it to be just us to, and I go along, there is no reason to tell them what I was doing prior to (or after.)

Speaking as a human - people have feelings. You have yours and you have every right to them. What you need to do is figure out what you think and believe, and then see if your feelings are affected.

I cannot tell you how many times I have been sitting at a table where only I and one other person knew "knew the whole story" - or how many times this probably happened to me. Life is like that.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 7:16 PM on October 20, 2008

What you really need to figure out is - do you really mistrust him? Or is this just a whole bunch of nerves and uncertainty about what's to come? Imagine that you are giving your best friend advice on the exact same circumstance - what would your advice be? This is a great way to stand back from the situation and look at it (semi) objectively. Above all, listen to your gut.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 7:17 PM on October 20, 2008

I like what TomMelee has to say.

You are, is what I like to call, stepping into the fold. If you are lucky, you will be able to do this more than once or twice in your life. If you love the guy, you may want to focus on the future with him, rather than the past; when you were kind of with him.
posted by captainsohler at 7:24 PM on October 20, 2008

I want to tell you, "It's okay to feel however you feel." But in this case, your boyfriend slept with someone else before you were together, and then you happened to become friends with this person. What's your boyfriend supposed to say? "Oh, by the way, I totally nailed that girl once."

A) That makes him sound like an ass.
B) He really would be an ass to tell you something that's irrelevant now that he's decided to be with you, and will probably cause you lots of pain with no great benefit.

Examine your feelings carefully. If what you're feeling is just jealousy, let it go. Get over it. Forgive the girl. Forgive your boyfriend (for the thing he did which wasn't even wrong, considering you weren't in a relationship at the time).

(If you're feeling gut-sick like maybe he's still sleeping with her, well, I'm never going to tell you not to trust your guts... but unfortunately, everyone has to learn the difference on their own.)
posted by eleyna at 8:55 PM on October 20, 2008

Clearly, he is with you now, loves you, and wants to make a life with you. He is not interested in being with this other chick. I would think about this in terms of "I want to be with him now, and I'm upset that I'm not with him" rather than focusing on where he is (in the same city where he once, way in the past, slept with someone else and then later regretted it). So, for example, calling him every night while he's there and saying "I miss you!" is awesome; calling him and asking him pointedly what he did that day is totally not.

Whenever I have had to face gut-wrenching facts about my current situation, I have found it has helped to repeat to myself, in a very calm way, what the fact is, i.e. "The relationship is over." etc. and then breathe through it. When you do it, try to really feel the emotion and all the pain of the situation and then let it go.
posted by Deathalicious at 10:25 PM on October 20, 2008

I should hasten to add that I don't think the relationship is over. That's just the phrase *I* needed to use at the time.
posted by Deathalicious at 10:26 PM on October 20, 2008

Yes, you totally have a right to your own emotions or feelings. But if you're wondering how much you should be holding other people responsible for those feelings?
Not so much.

I mean, if it was before you were exclusive, or sleeping together...
well, from how far back exactly would you be expecting to be told of prior flings?

Because I wouldn't be telling a new partner about every single hookup I've ever had. o_O
Not unless they actually asked (and hey, I do get to the stage where I ask that, but only because it's not the sort of thing that worries me).
And in a circle of friends & acquaintances? There's going to be a couple of people who I had random things with a long time ago (do I count the childhood friends if I saw their pee-pee etc? ;P ), but I wouldn't have any reason to bring it up because... it's not relevant? It's got nothing to do with who I am and who I am with?

And uh. With those friends, why would I go up to their partner and say "I've fucked your boyfriend/girlfriend" Or even, "I've seen your partner's pee-pee?"?!

I can't think of a way that that wouldn't come across as weirdly aggressive to the girlfriend/boyfriend or like I was trying to make a move, when I wouldn't be.

In my opinion, the appropriate person to do the telling, is your partner - the appropriate time, is when you've asked them.

I think it is perfectly fine & healthy for you to hold a different opinion, or different standard, if that's what is comfortable and right for you (and especially, when you've let your partner know!) but I thought it might help you understand, to see where someone else might be coming from.
posted by Elysum at 3:13 AM on October 21, 2008

Here's how it works.

You can either get over it, or you can get dumped. That's the breaks, kid. If you weren't exclusive, that means he had every right to be sleeping with whomever he wanted, just like you did. The longer you harp on this, the longer it will eat away at you, and the more you risk pissing him off because he hasn't done anything wrong. You either deal or you stock up on ice cream and James Taylor albums (or whatever it is you kids mope to these days).
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 3:43 AM on October 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

Later without knowing this I befriended her and we would all hang out together. I have found this out nine months later. I don't want to look at or speak with her.

Do you really want your boyfriend to have said "I see that you're becoming friendly with Lorena. I just want you to know that I've had sex with her before."

Did you want him to tell you 9 months ago "I know that we haven't talked about being exclusive, and I know that we haven't had sex yet, but I want you to know that I had sex with someone last night."

I mean, both of those conversations sound weirdly braggy and insensitive to your feelings, no matter how I play them out in my head. If you want to know if your boyfriend has had sex with someone, you gotta ask him.

If he lies to your face, that speaks to his character. But what he's done here, I think that you can find just as many people who will say "He should have told you" as will say "He didn't do anything wrong".
posted by 23skidoo at 6:17 AM on October 21, 2008

Agree that, while understandable, your insecurity and jealousy are a bit out of proportion. You had no agreement with him when he slept with this girl. Neither he nor she were under any obligation to tell you about it, though it's totally understandable why you're upset that they didn't.

So what do you do from here? You decide that she's in the past and you're his future, and you trust him and do not ruin the relationship due to your insecurity. If you can't do that, then I'm sorry--your relationship will not work out. I'm speaking from experience. When all three parties can act like adults, it doesn't have to be a big deal.
posted by purplecurlygirl at 6:37 AM on October 21, 2008

No, we weren't exclusive at the time when he slept with her.


then you have absolutely no grounds to be upset with him. he did not cheat on you.

do you have any other reason to suspect him of cheating? if not, then you're just worrying yourself into a hole. stop it.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 8:57 AM on October 21, 2008

So two adult free-agents had sex, and didn't tell you about it. So you would expect your boyfriend to be kiss-and-tell? If you break up, do you then expect him to tell every woman he dates what happened between you two?

Yea, he made an omission. But it was not a lie. It was simply an omission, and a polite and proper one, at that. And it wasn't something terrible, or dirty. It was sex.
posted by Goofyy at 1:08 PM on October 21, 2008