How can I stop my crazy ex-boyfriend from torturing me?

October 19, 2008 8:29 AM

I have broken up with my boyfriend and he is threatening all kinds of revenge against me, from contacting my employer with lies and half-truths about me to posting scans of my private diary on the internet with my name on them. What can I do to protect myself? This is in the UK.

I am so afraid my mentally unwell ex-boyfriend is going to go through with all of these threats he has made against me. He has already been arrested once several months ago for physical violence against me. Now he is making threats of a more psychological nature.

1. What can I do if he posts scans of my private diary, with my name on it, online?

2. What can I do if he contacts my employer by email trying to get me to lose my job?

3. How can I try to prevent him from doing these things?

The police have told me these would be civil actions rather than criminal, and they won't help me.

In addition, stuff I am willing to overlook because it's just not worth it: hee physically assaulted me when I was with my family this past Friday night. I believe he also stole my expensive bicycle because it went missing from where I left it and he has the spare keys to the double U-locks that were on it.

I just really want all this to stop - but especially I want to prevent him if possible from contacting my employer and posting things online about me. Any advice? Thank you.

By the way, I had posted a relationship question on AskMe about him before and got the DTMFA pile-on, but didn't listen. For anyone else out there who gets a pile-on - LISTEN. It does get worse.

posted by anonymous to human relations (25 answers total)

I think the physical assault is very much worth it. It's criminal, not civil, and it sets a precedent that you can show to the police as to what he's capable of.
posted by dunkadunc at 8:48 AM on October 19, 2008

I'm in the US and unfamiliar with UK laws and support systems, so take some of this with a grain of salt.

Googling "stalking UK help" returns this page, which looks like it has some good links to resource. Some of the links are broken, and some of it is sensationalistic, but it looks like there are organizations that can help you.

The Network for Surviving Stalking looks good, and indicates that what he's doing is explicitly against the law.

In general, Websites will remove content that is yours if you ask. If you have an idea where he might post it, you can try to warn the Website owners ahead of time about what he might do. And if the Website is unresponsive, you could try to contact the company that hosts the Website.

As for your work, again, the best thing might be contacting your supervisor ahead of time, and lettting them know that this is going on. That way they won't be surprised, and might even be able to take steps to block his email address, for example.

There might be laws that allow you to go to the courts and get a petition to stop him from bothering you, contacting you, etc, and this UK Anti Harassment page looks like it might be another good resource. In the US (Washington state, King County) they are called "Orders for Protection" and/or Anti-harassment orders. The absolute most important thing to remember is that ultimately there isn't anything you can do to stop someone from doing something, so it's best to try to be proactive about your safety (which is what it sounds like you want).
posted by Gorgik at 8:51 AM on October 19, 2008

Make whatever records you can of his threats, then maybe get a restraining order? I'd find a lawyer who is expert in these things and talk to her. Really. Ugh. I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by amtho at 8:54 AM on October 19, 2008

Speak to your boss. You are not the first person to be in this position. I would be surprised if your boss was not supportive and understanding.
posted by K.P. at 8:55 AM on October 19, 2008

In addition, stuff I am willing to overlook because it's just not worth it: hee physically assaulted me

I'm sorry you're going through this and I feel for your pain. But please, don't let this sort of thing go. It's extremely understandable that you're scared and/or frustrated, but if he physically assaulted you, that's something the police CAN do something about. It also helps to have this stuff reported so there's a paper trail for anything that he might try later.

2. What can I do if he contacts my employer by email trying to get me to lose my job?

Would it be possible to talk to your employer yourself and explain the situation, thereby taking away any power the ex might have? Any reasonable person, upon hearing your story, would ignore your crazy ex.

I'm not familiar with the UK, but is there some sort of Battered Woman's Network you can turn to for emotional support and advice? They might be able to give help you with your more specific questions and suggest coping strategies.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:58 AM on October 19, 2008

As I understand it (and I'm not a legal professional) you can take out a civil injuction to prevent him harassing you (a non-molestation order) or threatening violence. The Protection from Harrassment Act now makes breaching such an order a criminal offence, in addition to the financial penalties from breaching a civil order.

Talk to the Citizens Advice Bureau as soon as possible; they will be able to give you a list of solicitors specializing in family law. You may be eligable for legal aid, and you can get a civil order in a day if you're under serious threat of violence - which you definitely are by the sounds of it. Call the Women's Aid hotline [phone]) - they specialise in this kind of question, and should be able to help you take the next steps to protecting yourself.

Please, don't trivialise the assault against you this friday; he already assaulted you badly enough before for him to be arrested, and this shows a pattern of violence that threatens your safety. The police aren't interested in the non-direct harrassment without a breach of an injuction, but physical assault and threats of assault, and other harrassment against you personally are criminal offences.

In regards your employer specifically - talk to them. Tell them you have you an ex partner who take the breakup badly, and that he has threatened to contact them with all sorts of lies to hurt you. Seriously, who are they going to believe? Their loyal current employee, or some crazy ex boyfriend with a grudge? Unless you happen to work for his best buddy, it's an empty threat, and he knows it. You're still under his spell, and he knows that too.

You're stronger than this, you're better than this, and you know that too. You're in charge of your own life, you have the power to live a better life - don't let this guy get away with hurting you and threatening you. The PHA has added a lot more legal tools to prevent harrassment and domestic violence through the threat of very heavy sanctions, especially when you have good evidence and witnesses.
posted by ArkhanJG at 9:00 AM on October 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

Oops, I mispelled injunction twice there. Sorry! Please though - get help and advice from the CAB and Women's Aid. You need legal help to keep this guy from harming you, and the next step is probably an injunction. This is a legal aid calculator to see if you'd be eligable for financial assistance.
posted by ArkhanJG at 9:24 AM on October 19, 2008 [2 favorites]

Please consider speaking with your HR office and/or supervisor and share that someone you are no longer seeing has threatened to harass both you and them, probably with either insistent phone calls or spreading lies. Sometimes people feel so embarrassed that they don't want to say anything - but you have NOTHING to be embarrassed about - your ex does. Do reach out to groups in your area to learn how employers have handled this professionally. Sometimes they will keep records of the harassment which can only bolster your case. It's another piece in the network of support-along with family, friends and support groups that surround and protect you - something I think is important because you ex is trying to make you feel vulnerable and alone. It's sinister, and pathetic, and you are well rid of him.

Please do reach out to a support group - it's sometimes hard for people who haven't been through this to relate and give good advice.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
posted by anitanita at 9:50 AM on October 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

In addition, stuff I am willing to overlook because it's just not worth it: hee physically assaulted me when I was with my family this past Friday night. I believe he also stole my expensive bicycle because it went missing from where I left it and he has the spare keys to the double U-locks that were on it.

These are the things that you can take action about. If you were with your family when he assaulted you, that means you have witnesses. Having made these threats against you means he has a motive to steal your bike, and the fact that he has the keys means that he had the opportunity. Contact the police about these things.
posted by number9dream at 9:59 AM on October 19, 2008

Talk to your employer. I worked with a girl who was being harassed by her husband (whom she was in the process of divorcing at the time, but eventually didn't) and our boss was very understanding. We essentially put our floor on lockdown so everyone knew to look for him and not let him anywhere around her.
posted by CwgrlUp at 10:33 AM on October 19, 2008

In addition, stuff I am willing to overlook because it's just not worth it: hee physically assaulted me when I was with my family this past Friday night. I believe he also stole my expensive bicycle because it went missing from where I left it and he has the spare keys to the double U-locks that were on it.

Argh! The police are telling you they can do nothing because you're *not* telling them about all the criminal acts that this guy is doing! At the very least, report the bike missing & your suspicions to the police, plus the assault.

The point is not that they can necessarily do anything about any of these things individually right now, but the sum of parts may form a whole that allows them to act. Plus, if they have a case history with you then they're more likely to act quickly when you have a bigger problem.

Also, seconding talking to a) your employer, just to give them a heads up; you don't have to go into the gory details, and b) the CAB to get some basic legal advice.

Write down everything that has happened: log all the phone calls, the statements made, what witnesses there were etc etc. This stuff will make a big difference if you do decide to go to court to get a restraining order.
posted by pharm at 11:15 AM on October 19, 2008

That's awful. I don't know much about UK law but as far as your personal safety goes, I'd like to recommend The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker -- a great book that specifically has chapters dealing with what to do when a man threatens you / stalks you / becomes abusive. De Becker has a lot of experience counseling people with stalkers and you can also search on youtube for the segment he did for Oprah if you'd like to see the outline of his advice.

I'm looking through the book right now and this seems to be the basic thrust of his argument --

1) Cut off all contact. No matter how provocative or inflammatory his messages/emails/remarks, DO NOT respond. These are a ploy to win your attention, and when you respond to even ONE of them, you send the message that his tactics are working -- and that he should continue on with them.

2) Keep detailed records (and print-outs) of all his attempts to communicate with you. This is very important.

3) Get people on your team. Make sure people in your life knows about this threat, no matter how painful or embarrassing it may seem to you to divulge such private details to authority figures like your boss.

As far as restraining orders/injunctions go, here, too, you should probably at least consider De Becker's advice. It is controversial, so you should read the book for his detailed explanation -- but he believes that when physical violence has entered the picture, injunctions and restraining orders may not work. In fact, they may work to exacerbate the threat to you. His reasoning: legal orders only work on rational men, who are thinking clearly and can weigh the future consequences for themselves if they choose to disobey the injunction. However, a man who proves willing to hurt and terrorize you (especially after you've made clear, by cutting off all contact and refusing to respond to his attempts to get your attention, that his efforts will not succeed) is NOT rational, and may NOT be swayed by a legal order. In fact, it may be like waving a red flag at a bull.

Good luck, and stay safe.
posted by artemisia at 11:43 AM on October 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

Lots of good advice here. Definitely tell your employer and keep records of everything. In addition, be sure to change everything he may know or have access to. Change your locks, change email/computer passwords, mobile voicemail passwords, change *anything* he may know or have access to. Err on the side of caution. Let the bike theft serve as a warning.
posted by gudrun at 11:44 AM on October 19, 2008

A friend of mine brought her computer over- it was running slow and crippled. I discovered her ex had installed a keylogger on it, and was using it to steal her passwords (after she changed them!) and read her email. Be very suspicious of any computers or accounts that he had access to, as it can enable easy remote stalking.

Good luck!
posted by jenkinsEar at 11:52 AM on October 19, 2008

Be clear about your goals here -- your safety is number one. All other considerations (him treating you right, fairness and justice, what your boss thinks of you) are secondary.

I'd get in touch with a battered women's shelter. They will understand what you're going through, have good advice and local connections, and could provide you with a safe haven if things get worse.

Don't have any further contact with him. After you've said no once, explicitly (it seems like you already have), then you want to break contact. Don't call him, send him a note, discuss what's going on, nothing like that. That's what he wants you to do. It will encourage him and prolong the situation. And the longer the situation goes on, the greater is the risk that it could escalate. You want this over as quickly as possible.

Take the sting out of any threat by pre-empting any damage he could do. For example, you're worried about him posting your diary because...? Maybe you could reveal whatever you're worried will get revealed (eg, you could tell your friend what you said about her, or tell your parents that you lied that time, or whatever). Those all probably have lower risks to you than continuing to engage with this guy does.

About a court order -- consider what the impacts would be of getting one. Is it going to get him to stop, or is it going to tempt him to violate it? Is it going to make him angrier? Is it going to seem like you "won" or "beat him?" A court order can help if someone does not already know that what he is doing is unacceptable. It can help if it's early enough in the game, when he isn't very invested yet and could still realize that bothering you would be more trouble than it's worth. But once he's invested, it's more likely to seem like a challenge. Whether you get one or not, you cannot trust that a piece of paper is going to protect you. (Note: it is still okay to get the cops involved to arrest him for violating the law, because then it is more like the system vs. him instead of you vs. him.)

(What I'm saying here largely comes from the book The Gift of Fear, which is definitely worth reading on this topic. Ah, on preview, artemisia also covered much of what the book says.)
posted by salvia at 12:16 PM on October 19, 2008

I'd just point out again that the law in the UK has been strengthened with regards harrassment and intimidation - violating a civil injunction against harrassment easily leads to a criminal charge of harrassment, with a 6 month jail term and/or £5000 fine and a restraining order in magistrates court; if it's taken to crown court, violating that civil order can lead to a 5 year jail term.
posted by ArkhanJG at 1:04 PM on October 19, 2008

it's just not worth it: hee physically assaulted me when I was with my family this past Friday night.

I'm sorry, but what? This is something that might make the cops actually help you. This might actually put him in jail. This might actually get a restraining order against him. This would create a paper trail that is less likely to be ignored if he doesn't stop.

Also speak to your boss; document every instance of harassment and report it. Also, this won't be popular here, but do you have a couple male friends who could visit him? Not threaten, not hit, but just show up at his door and suggest he back off. The man's obviously a coward and may not be so tough if he realizes there will be serious, physical consequences for fucking with you.
posted by spaltavian at 1:04 PM on October 19, 2008

Note, breaching the civil order is the criminal offence - the 5 years is in addition to any other offence that occured as part of breaching the civil order, including additional harrassment or assault charges. Civil injunctions against harrassment are anything but toothless these days.
posted by ArkhanJG at 1:08 PM on October 19, 2008

If you have the opportunity, I'd also recommend taking a self-defense class or two. If nothing else, it can give you some confidence.
posted by phaded at 1:39 PM on October 19, 2008

I'm not in the UK, but I can say, if your ex boyfriend does begin contacting people, they'll probably be sympathetic to you, not him. Contacting people's employers is not a normal thing to do, and most managers would be appalled and refuse to talk to him. Ditto on the diary. Who's to say it's actually yours?

Good luck. Remember, you're not the only one with an unpleasant ex. Sorry it's happening to you.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 3:25 PM on October 19, 2008

Go to the police RIGHT NOW. You can't overlook it. This is an abusive individual and you do not know what he is capable of. You already have one complaint. Get the other one on file. The police cannot help you with stopping him from posting mean stuff online or going to your office, but if he actually shows up at your office, he can be arrested for trespassing. However, unless you tell them the actual criminal things he is actually doing, you're not going to get much help. This is why domestic abuse cases are so difficult for the police.

Once you have this documented:

Then you can go to your employer and tell them that you just broke up with your boyfriend. That he is physically abusive. That there are two complaints on file with the police and if he should ever turn up at the office that the police should be contacted. That will say "my boyfriend is a criminal and he is not to be trusted' so when he does contact your employer (it's unlikely, he's more likely trying to scare you - and i say that as someone whose ex did the same thing for the same reason).

You can't stop him from posting things about you online. You CAN stop yourself from reading it, which is what you have to do. And you have to not capitulate to his demands in order to get him to stop. He wouldn't be the first wingnut to post stuff about his ex-girlfriend online. He is, again, doing it to get your attention and to upset you and he'll stop after a while if you are strong enough to ignore it.

Please go find a counselor or hotline to talk to about this. You have to cut off all contact. He will demand you contact him, he will come up with the most pointless reasons, he will make stuff up, he will call mutual friends who are spineless and goad them into telling you that you have to contact him.

In my case I had a psycho who was going to put up large posters around town (this was in the pre-internet days). He didn't do it. He also never showed up at work despite threatening to on a regular basis. Once my reaction was "go right ahead" the threat lost its teeth.

memail me if you need any more advice.
posted by micawber at 3:28 PM on October 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

stuff I am willing to overlook because it's just not worth it: hee physically assaulted me when I was with my family this past Friday night

I'd reconsider that.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:05 AM on October 20, 2008

I'm not in the UK, but if you can stand it, report the physical violence as a civic duty- the next women he does this to will appreciate it.
posted by small_ruminant at 9:57 AM on October 20, 2008

If you have the opportunity, I'd also recommend taking a self-defense class or two. If nothing else, it can give you some confidence.

I second that. Physical self-defense is one thing de Becker's book is really light on, but IMHO, it is at least as essential as his no-contact, no-escalation advice. If you follow that advice, chances are that this guy will not seriously harm you (as de Becker points out, most guys who threaten are not going to commit serious abuse, as long as you don't inadvertently play into their efforts to escalate the situation by responding), but you should know what to do if it happens, with this guy or with anybody else.

At the very least, in a good self-defense class you will learn how to be alert yet unafraid, and that's more than worth the cost of the class.
posted by vorfeed at 12:30 PM on October 20, 2008

Second or third the de Becker book. And the telling your boss/employer/etc.

As far as the online stuff - most online sites know this kind of thing happens (certainly any of the larger ones: someone running something out of their home may not.) If you do find stuff showing up online, look at the site information (usually it's under something like Help or FAQ or Support or Abuse: different sites do different wording) and how they'd like things reported.

Fake accounts and posting of confidential information (like your name, location, direct ways to contact you) without your permission are usually violations of the terms of service. For basic info, just contact them and ask them to get it taken down. For something like posts of scans of diary pages, write a brief explanation, include links to all the pages you can find, and whatever other information they say they need.
posted by modernhypatia at 9:12 AM on October 21, 2008