Need to inform already depressed mom that her sister is dead
October 15, 2008 7:17 PM Subscribe
How do I tell my mom that my aunt, her sister, has passed away? (More details as to why this is an issue inside)...
We have a strained relationship at best and I moved 600 miles away from home when I turned 18 (five years ago). She was controlling, abusive, mentally ill, etc. when I was growing up and had problems with drugs and alcohol. After she met my step dad when I was seven, life stabilized a lot more due to his presence. She cleaned up, although the controlling behavior and emotional abuse aspect didn't get better.
My step dad died a little over two years ago. My mom never worked (never ever in her life) and had no way of supporting herself after money ran out. She ended up getting with this other guy and she did get a job for a while, but she couldn't pay her bills (she never graduated high school, so her options are limited in terms of career). He couldn't find a job in the town they live in so he went three hours away to where his family is from to try to find a job. A few weeks after he did that, she said she was going to move there as well and I didn't hear from her again for weeks. I sometimes hear from her from payphones and I don't really know what her living situations are. No one else in the family even knew she moved and the only people I had numbers for were my aunt (her sister) and my cousin (her son). I had to inform them she moved to the coast.
My mom and aunt were incredibly close until my step dad died. Then my aunt moved to Hawaii. She tried to convince my mom to move with her but for some reason she didn't. I didn't think my mom would be able to live without my aunt, given how close they were, but she chose not to move there with her. My aunt had told the family she was dying of cancer for seven years. She would tell us she only had two months to live at most. This went on for SEVEN YEARS. Everyone stopped believing she was even sick. I talked to her a couple weeks before she died and she was saying she was sick and dying, but it wasn't anything I hadn't heard most of my life at this point. My aunt was always very grandiose and dramatic and made my mom look sane. But I guess there was some truth to what she said because on Saturday I got a call from her son, distressed, telling me she had passed away. He had called me a week earlier to let me know she was incredibly ill and in the hospital, so I had some warning that this would happen.
I'm at a loss as to what to do about my mom. I'm the only one who has contact with her and that is just every couple weeks at best when she calls me from a pay phone for a few minutes. She called Saturday (before I heard the news that my aunt had passed away) after a month of no contact. I told her that other members of the family had been trying to contact her (my cousin) and that my aunt was sick. She brushed it off (since we've been hearing this for seven years) and I didn't emphasize that this time was real.
She told me she was miserable over there, that she made a huge mistake, that it was horrible to move, that she has no contact with anyone, that she had to do it because she had no money and she doesn't want to "burden" me by moving up here with me (I didn't offer that, nor would I). She ended the call after saying that she would call me in a few days.
I've missed her two calls since Saturday.
I don't know how to handle this situation at all. She is not going to contact anyone else in the family so I have to inform her of this news. She will be beyond devastated.
I've thought about not telling her over the phone and paying for her to fly up here for a visit and telling her that way. It will be the first time since my step dad's funeral that I will have seen her. I also want it to be clear to her that she cannot, under any circumstance, live with me and that her coming up here is just a visit. I am not capable of living with my mom and her problems and I don't think it is my responsibility to take care of her. I feel, however, immense guilt and sadness, so my thoughts and feelings don't always go hand in hand (I'm in therapy trying to sort out the issues of my relationship with my mom right now).
Is there a better way to deal with this entire situation? She has had family that would help her in the past. My sister and my deceased aunt offered her support many times, but she wants it from me only and I don't know why. I asked her on Sat. when I talked to her why she doesn't go live with my sister and she says she can't because of my sister's roommate and my sister's drama.
Any thoughts or advice on how to proceed with this situation?
We have a strained relationship at best and I moved 600 miles away from home when I turned 18 (five years ago). She was controlling, abusive, mentally ill, etc. when I was growing up and had problems with drugs and alcohol. After she met my step dad when I was seven, life stabilized a lot more due to his presence. She cleaned up, although the controlling behavior and emotional abuse aspect didn't get better.
My step dad died a little over two years ago. My mom never worked (never ever in her life) and had no way of supporting herself after money ran out. She ended up getting with this other guy and she did get a job for a while, but she couldn't pay her bills (she never graduated high school, so her options are limited in terms of career). He couldn't find a job in the town they live in so he went three hours away to where his family is from to try to find a job. A few weeks after he did that, she said she was going to move there as well and I didn't hear from her again for weeks. I sometimes hear from her from payphones and I don't really know what her living situations are. No one else in the family even knew she moved and the only people I had numbers for were my aunt (her sister) and my cousin (her son). I had to inform them she moved to the coast.
My mom and aunt were incredibly close until my step dad died. Then my aunt moved to Hawaii. She tried to convince my mom to move with her but for some reason she didn't. I didn't think my mom would be able to live without my aunt, given how close they were, but she chose not to move there with her. My aunt had told the family she was dying of cancer for seven years. She would tell us she only had two months to live at most. This went on for SEVEN YEARS. Everyone stopped believing she was even sick. I talked to her a couple weeks before she died and she was saying she was sick and dying, but it wasn't anything I hadn't heard most of my life at this point. My aunt was always very grandiose and dramatic and made my mom look sane. But I guess there was some truth to what she said because on Saturday I got a call from her son, distressed, telling me she had passed away. He had called me a week earlier to let me know she was incredibly ill and in the hospital, so I had some warning that this would happen.
I'm at a loss as to what to do about my mom. I'm the only one who has contact with her and that is just every couple weeks at best when she calls me from a pay phone for a few minutes. She called Saturday (before I heard the news that my aunt had passed away) after a month of no contact. I told her that other members of the family had been trying to contact her (my cousin) and that my aunt was sick. She brushed it off (since we've been hearing this for seven years) and I didn't emphasize that this time was real.
She told me she was miserable over there, that she made a huge mistake, that it was horrible to move, that she has no contact with anyone, that she had to do it because she had no money and she doesn't want to "burden" me by moving up here with me (I didn't offer that, nor would I). She ended the call after saying that she would call me in a few days.
I've missed her two calls since Saturday.
I don't know how to handle this situation at all. She is not going to contact anyone else in the family so I have to inform her of this news. She will be beyond devastated.
I've thought about not telling her over the phone and paying for her to fly up here for a visit and telling her that way. It will be the first time since my step dad's funeral that I will have seen her. I also want it to be clear to her that she cannot, under any circumstance, live with me and that her coming up here is just a visit. I am not capable of living with my mom and her problems and I don't think it is my responsibility to take care of her. I feel, however, immense guilt and sadness, so my thoughts and feelings don't always go hand in hand (I'm in therapy trying to sort out the issues of my relationship with my mom right now).
Is there a better way to deal with this entire situation? She has had family that would help her in the past. My sister and my deceased aunt offered her support many times, but she wants it from me only and I don't know why. I asked her on Sat. when I talked to her why she doesn't go live with my sister and she says she can't because of my sister's roommate and my sister's drama.
Any thoughts or advice on how to proceed with this situation?
She needs to be told ASAP, regardless of everything else. Basically, what Brain cloud said with an I'm sorry at the end.
posted by maxpower at 7:26 PM on October 15, 2008
posted by maxpower at 7:26 PM on October 15, 2008
"I know you're having a bad day/week/month/year, but I have some bad news that I have to tell you...."
Just do it.
posted by rokusan at 7:28 PM on October 15, 2008
Just do it.
posted by rokusan at 7:28 PM on October 15, 2008
Your mom long ago functionally forfeited the type of support you're debating giving her. You don't owe her much...
That said, telling her this news is as simple as making a phone call or mailing a letter. So, consider a brunt approach.
Lastly, don't over think it. Your mom is who she is and you're probably not able to leverage any change out of her either through support or guilt.
Do what you have to to do, with an eye and ear open toward workable solutions that allow for an avenue in supporting your mom, but don't put yourself out.
posted by wfrgms at 7:28 PM on October 15, 2008
That said, telling her this news is as simple as making a phone call or mailing a letter. So, consider a brunt approach.
Lastly, don't over think it. Your mom is who she is and you're probably not able to leverage any change out of her either through support or guilt.
Do what you have to to do, with an eye and ear open toward workable solutions that allow for an avenue in supporting your mom, but don't put yourself out.
posted by wfrgms at 7:28 PM on October 15, 2008
Response by poster: I honestly don't think she would be mad if I made her wait. I could tell her over the phone, but I feel awful doing that given that she calls me from payphones and just hearing her is a problem most of the time, plus she has to keep putting money into the phone to keep the call connected. It is an absolutely atrocious way of talking to someone. She would be getting devastating news in a public place like a gas station and she has no support over there. That just honestly seems cruel to me to tell her that way. Is that really the right thing to do? I'm honestly asking because to me it seems awful and terrible and unfortunately the next session I have with my therapist is on the 23rd.
posted by rainygrl716 at 7:34 PM on October 15, 2008
posted by rainygrl716 at 7:34 PM on October 15, 2008
I take it she either doesn't have a home phone, or she doesn't want you knowing the number.
Could you maybe try to call her through a neighbour?
posted by CKmtl at 7:38 PM on October 15, 2008
Could you maybe try to call her through a neighbour?
posted by CKmtl at 7:38 PM on October 15, 2008
Response by poster: I don't know where she is living since she moved or any neighbors. She just up and moved away from where we had lived my entire life. I don't think she would hide her phone number from me. She's always called me a lot and attempted to talk to me, sometimes many times a day. One problem is I worked with therapist since moving away from home to put up boundaries between my mom and me. So I didn't actively seek out any info about her life because for much of my life I assumed the role of "mom", even as a child. Now the boundaries worked so well I don't have any way of contacting her and I don't know what she is doing in life at all. She could be homeless for all I know.
posted by rainygrl716 at 7:43 PM on October 15, 2008
posted by rainygrl716 at 7:43 PM on October 15, 2008
I'm sorry that you are in this position. I don't know what you should do, but if decide that you want to see her in person, I would suggest that you go to her, or meet up with her in some neutral location. Don't import her to you where you live, because then you may well need to have an active, horrible struggle to make her leave. You say "I also want it to be clear to her that she cannot, under any circumstance, live with me and that her coming up here is just a visit," but it's much easier to be clear about that if you don't start out by bringing her to your house.
posted by redfoxtail at 7:48 PM on October 15, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by redfoxtail at 7:48 PM on October 15, 2008 [2 favorites]
Assuming you do have some kind of telephone contact with her - even by pay phone - would it be possible to ask her the next time the two of you talked, "Listen mom, is there anywhere I can reach you at a private number? I'd like to call you tomorrow because I have to discuss something important with you." There's got to be some place where she can sit down and hear this news. With your extra info, all I can picture in my head is your mom hearing this news at some horrible sodium-lit gas station and my heart breaks.
Unfortunately, it seems your mom has cut a path in life that makes it difficult for you to break this news to her in a decent way. You can't be blamed for this, no matter how responsible you feel for her. I take it that a personal visit to her is more than you can handle right now, on many levels. Still, I think you have to stop equivocating and just find the least brutal way to tell her in the shortest amount of time, whether or not you think the timing is important to her, because it's clearly laying heavy on you.
FWIW, sometimes people can get a real sense when others close to them have passed on. For all you know you'll be confirming a truth that she's already considered herself.
posted by brain cloud at 7:54 PM on October 15, 2008
Unfortunately, it seems your mom has cut a path in life that makes it difficult for you to break this news to her in a decent way. You can't be blamed for this, no matter how responsible you feel for her. I take it that a personal visit to her is more than you can handle right now, on many levels. Still, I think you have to stop equivocating and just find the least brutal way to tell her in the shortest amount of time, whether or not you think the timing is important to her, because it's clearly laying heavy on you.
FWIW, sometimes people can get a real sense when others close to them have passed on. For all you know you'll be confirming a truth that she's already considered herself.
posted by brain cloud at 7:54 PM on October 15, 2008
Seriously? TELL HER. I've had to break such news a few times and putting it off is generally not a good call. People want to know these things, even though it hurts. Think about it if you were in her position... knowing someone you love has died, while insanely painful, actually hurts less than knowing they died and that for a while other people you love wouldn't give you the news and allow you to be aware of it.
posted by miss lynnster at 7:57 PM on October 15, 2008
posted by miss lynnster at 7:57 PM on October 15, 2008
Do not invite her to visit even with the statement she cannot live with you. If she comes and hears about your aunt, she ain't leaving. She has no where to go and no one to be with otherwise. Tell her ASAP over the phone.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:13 PM on October 15, 2008
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:13 PM on October 15, 2008
I had to do this with my father (to whom I hadn't spoken for a few years, including my moving from one hemisphere to another) when his brother passed away, so I was thinking I might have something insightful to add to this thread... but insightful doesn't come into it. It really comes down to: just call her and tell her.
There is no 'good way' to do this. Bite the bullet.
posted by pompomtom at 8:15 PM on October 15, 2008
There is no 'good way' to do this. Bite the bullet.
posted by pompomtom at 8:15 PM on October 15, 2008
First, I'm sorry for your loss.
I 2nd the idea that if you can't/don't want to tell her over the phone that you should try and go to visit her where she is. At this time, you can perhaps (if you want and if it would make you feel better about the situation) also assess if she is actually homeless and maybe (if you want) try to help her help herself by helping her access the social services net that should be available to her.
But I would say go to visit her. Tell her in person. Yes, this is once again assuming the role of "mom" in your combined lives, but if she will be as devastated as you believe she will be, this might be the one time its actually appropriate.
posted by anastasiav at 9:09 PM on October 15, 2008
I 2nd the idea that if you can't/don't want to tell her over the phone that you should try and go to visit her where she is. At this time, you can perhaps (if you want and if it would make you feel better about the situation) also assess if she is actually homeless and maybe (if you want) try to help her help herself by helping her access the social services net that should be available to her.
But I would say go to visit her. Tell her in person. Yes, this is once again assuming the role of "mom" in your combined lives, but if she will be as devastated as you believe she will be, this might be the one time its actually appropriate.
posted by anastasiav at 9:09 PM on October 15, 2008
Best answer: My mom and aunt were incredibly close until my step dad died. Then my aunt moved to Hawaii. She tried to convince my mom to move with her but for some reason she didn't. I didn't think my mom would be able to live without my aunt, given how close they were, but she chose not to move there with her.
I just want to question your assumption that your mother will be totally devastated by this news. There is a reason why your mother chose not to move to Hawaii with your aunt and why she has not be in touch with her sister for the past two years.
I would tell her over the phone and then ask if she would like you to come out and be with her. If she says "no" then things will continue as they have been and she will deal with this loss in her own way.
Frankly, I am more concerned about whether she is homeless or in a domestic violence situation and/or dealing with alcoholism or addiction again - as anastasiav said, you can assess the situation better in person. (I am assuming that you can't go to visit her unless she tells you where to find her.) Do talk with your therapist in advance so you will know how you want to react if she is in trouble. For that matter, if you accept my assumption that your mother is capable of dealing with this death as well as she is dealing with the rest of her life, you may decide that you don't even want to visit if it gets you sucked back into her life.
posted by metahawk at 10:33 PM on October 15, 2008
I just want to question your assumption that your mother will be totally devastated by this news. There is a reason why your mother chose not to move to Hawaii with your aunt and why she has not be in touch with her sister for the past two years.
I would tell her over the phone and then ask if she would like you to come out and be with her. If she says "no" then things will continue as they have been and she will deal with this loss in her own way.
Frankly, I am more concerned about whether she is homeless or in a domestic violence situation and/or dealing with alcoholism or addiction again - as anastasiav said, you can assess the situation better in person. (I am assuming that you can't go to visit her unless she tells you where to find her.) Do talk with your therapist in advance so you will know how you want to react if she is in trouble. For that matter, if you accept my assumption that your mother is capable of dealing with this death as well as she is dealing with the rest of her life, you may decide that you don't even want to visit if it gets you sucked back into her life.
posted by metahawk at 10:33 PM on October 15, 2008
Best answer: You can't make this easy on her. It's going to suck whether she hears it through a shaky connection or while sitting in a bubble bath. The pain she'll feel, the situation she hears it in, is not your fault. All you can do is tell her.
Her pain is going to mostly be about her and her feelings about her sister, not about her and you. That's why I don't think you need to fly her out. I think she'll need some time to think and deal with this on her own, rather than in a situation made more intense by the novelty of being in a new place and being with you.
She brushed it off (since we've been hearing this for seven years) and I didn't emphasize that this time was real.
Don't put this on yourself. You may not have emphasized that this time was real, but she brushed it off. She made a choice to do that. I'm assuming she didn't say "worse than usual?" or "the same as always, or something different?" I can imagine it might be tempting to think you could have given her a heads up. But even if you had said the absolute most perfect thing, she still might not have heard it, as suggested by her action when you tried to tell her this time.
posted by salvia at 11:02 PM on October 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
Her pain is going to mostly be about her and her feelings about her sister, not about her and you. That's why I don't think you need to fly her out. I think she'll need some time to think and deal with this on her own, rather than in a situation made more intense by the novelty of being in a new place and being with you.
She brushed it off (since we've been hearing this for seven years) and I didn't emphasize that this time was real.
Don't put this on yourself. You may not have emphasized that this time was real, but she brushed it off. She made a choice to do that. I'm assuming she didn't say "worse than usual?" or "the same as always, or something different?" I can imagine it might be tempting to think you could have given her a heads up. But even if you had said the absolute most perfect thing, she still might not have heard it, as suggested by her action when you tried to tell her this time.
posted by salvia at 11:02 PM on October 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
Your mom is the one that has set up the dynamic of calling you from pay phones - this is not your trip, it is hers. She needs to hear the news, and it is not your responsibility to fly her out to your location to give it. The next time she calls, say your piece and have done. You are not responsible for her decisions in life, nor are you responsible for how she reacts to this news. I've been somewhat in your shoes, and I'm not talking shit - just say it and be done. Let her deal with her own life.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:03 AM on October 16, 2008
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:03 AM on October 16, 2008
I too have to enforce boundaries with an extremely difficult relative in a similar way to what you go through. It sounds to me like your worry about her hearing the news on a payphone is an example of your inviting her to step over your boundary once again, because you are taking responsibility for her feelings and actions where there shouldn't be any.
Even though your aunt has died, you still have to maintain that boundary with your mom. Tell her the next time she calls, and do it at the very beginning of the call. It's actually the kindest thing to do for her--to let her accept (or reject) the responsibility of hearing and appropriately dealing with difficult news. To protect her by protracting the revelation is to expect the worst and thus to enable her to keep on in her irresponsible and self-destructive behavior. It's kind of like the bigotry of low expectations. Even if you actually expect the worst, if you act like you expect the best, you're enforcing your boundary.
I wish you luck and strength in dealing with this.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 5:45 AM on October 16, 2008
Even though your aunt has died, you still have to maintain that boundary with your mom. Tell her the next time she calls, and do it at the very beginning of the call. It's actually the kindest thing to do for her--to let her accept (or reject) the responsibility of hearing and appropriately dealing with difficult news. To protect her by protracting the revelation is to expect the worst and thus to enable her to keep on in her irresponsible and self-destructive behavior. It's kind of like the bigotry of low expectations. Even if you actually expect the worst, if you act like you expect the best, you're enforcing your boundary.
I wish you luck and strength in dealing with this.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 5:45 AM on October 16, 2008
When she calls next time, tell her to call back collect so you won't have to deal with the "keep putting money in" factor when you tell her.
posted by mikepop at 5:49 AM on October 16, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by mikepop at 5:49 AM on October 16, 2008 [1 favorite]
Don't wait to tell her. With each time you wait, it will just get easier and easier to delay telling her. Next thing you know, you'll be in the middle of a conversation and say something that clues her into the death and you'll have to admit that your aunt passed away MONTHS ago.
Trust me on this one. Tell her now. The "Oh, Uncle Leo? He passed away 3 months ago..." revelation totally SUCKS. Since I live on the opposite side of the country from my relatives, I've had this happen several times now. They didn't think that I'd hop on a plane for the funeral so they didn't feel it important enough to tell me when it happened.
posted by onhazier at 6:18 AM on October 16, 2008 [1 favorite]
Trust me on this one. Tell her now. The "Oh, Uncle Leo? He passed away 3 months ago..." revelation totally SUCKS. Since I live on the opposite side of the country from my relatives, I've had this happen several times now. They didn't think that I'd hop on a plane for the funeral so they didn't feel it important enough to tell me when it happened.
posted by onhazier at 6:18 AM on October 16, 2008 [1 favorite]
Yeah, don't wait. I was devastated when I found out three days later that my cousin died. The news had been withheld from me because I had graduated from college and gotten engaged the same day he died, so I guess it was the reverse of your situation - no one wanted to bring me down. I appreciate the sentiment, but I was angry in retrospect.
posted by desjardins at 8:08 AM on October 16, 2008
posted by desjardins at 8:08 AM on October 16, 2008
I know it's less than ideal, but I say tell her immediately. When my Great Uncle (who was more like a grandfather) passed away, my mother delayed telling me because I was going through a very deep depression and lived across the country from the rest of my family. I was furious at the time and if I think about it for any length of time, I'm still a bit mad. I understood my Mom's reasoning, but I've had a much harder time dealing with finding out after the fact then I did about grieving his death. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 9:46 AM on October 16, 2008
posted by katemcd at 9:46 AM on October 16, 2008
She is the Mom; you are the child. Despite her difficulty parenting, you don't have to be responsible for her, at least not to the point of flying to give her bad news. The more responsibility you take for her, the more she will expect you to take, if she's mentally ill. Be kind, and if she really needs you, consider going to visit, but decide what your boundaries are, and stick to them.
posted by theora55 at 9:47 AM on October 16, 2008
posted by theora55 at 9:47 AM on October 16, 2008
Just tell her over the phone. Do not go see her in person. Do not let her visit. You cannot fix her or make her better, but she can drag you the hell down some more. You wouldn't be letting her do that without a dead sister, don't let that be an okay excuse to now. She will find another person to live off of if you do not make the offer. If you do, it'll be you.
On a slightly lighter note, s anyone else reminded of Jackie having to tell some relative their dad was dead? She had to scream it into the phone a bunch of times, and then gave up? Hopefully this won't be that bad...
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:09 AM on October 16, 2008
On a slightly lighter note, s anyone else reminded of Jackie having to tell some relative their dad was dead? She had to scream it into the phone a bunch of times, and then gave up? Hopefully this won't be that bad...
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:09 AM on October 16, 2008
Speaking as someone with a mother that could be your twin, i would not fly her up and tell her. If I did that, my mother would never leave. Tell her on the phone. It may seem shitty but you don't know how she's going to react.
posted by damnjezebel at 3:43 PM on October 16, 2008
posted by damnjezebel at 3:43 PM on October 16, 2008
Response by poster: Thanks everyone. She called tonight from her boyfriend's mom's cell phone (?? I guess that is what she said, but it was stable line and that's all that mattered) and I told her. She immediately wanted off the phone and was incredibly upset. I tried talking to her for a few more minutes and offered that she could come up here for a week to visit but she said she can't leave her boyfriend right now, which is what I expected.
Whoever said she probably already sensed that she had passed away was right on the money.
I don't know how she will hold up. She got off the phone pretty quickly to call my sister and let her know. Hopefully my sister will give her some support and love. Even though my mom might not deserve it from me, and even though most days I feel like I could live the rest of my life without ever seeing her again and be fine, I don't know how to turn off the part of me that cares. Maybe I didn't do the right thing by offering her to come up here for a visit, but I hurt for my mom who has lost my step dad and a sister and her own mother in a three year period. I mourn for a family that has completely disintegrated since I left, even though I was leaving to escape them.
posted by rainygrl716 at 7:10 PM on October 16, 2008
Whoever said she probably already sensed that she had passed away was right on the money.
I don't know how she will hold up. She got off the phone pretty quickly to call my sister and let her know. Hopefully my sister will give her some support and love. Even though my mom might not deserve it from me, and even though most days I feel like I could live the rest of my life without ever seeing her again and be fine, I don't know how to turn off the part of me that cares. Maybe I didn't do the right thing by offering her to come up here for a visit, but I hurt for my mom who has lost my step dad and a sister and her own mother in a three year period. I mourn for a family that has completely disintegrated since I left, even though I was leaving to escape them.
posted by rainygrl716 at 7:10 PM on October 16, 2008
rainygrl716, I think you did the right thing.
I have a lot of sympathy for your situation. My upbringing had many of the features of yours--mentally ill mother, too much responsibility as a kid, struggling with maintaining the boundaries you need to survive, and feeling conflicted about still caring.
Not a lot of answers to share, but a lot of sympathy.
I think it's totally reasonable and humane to grieve for how crappy things are for your mother, and for how you wish it all were different, while at the same time keeping your distance to maintain your own sanity. Honey, it's just hard.
posted by Sublimity at 7:46 PM on October 16, 2008
I have a lot of sympathy for your situation. My upbringing had many of the features of yours--mentally ill mother, too much responsibility as a kid, struggling with maintaining the boundaries you need to survive, and feeling conflicted about still caring.
Not a lot of answers to share, but a lot of sympathy.
I think it's totally reasonable and humane to grieve for how crappy things are for your mother, and for how you wish it all were different, while at the same time keeping your distance to maintain your own sanity. Honey, it's just hard.
posted by Sublimity at 7:46 PM on October 16, 2008
rainygrl716,
Thank you for the update. My sympathies are with you. You are/were in a no-win tough position and managed it well.
JG
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:20 AM on October 17, 2008
Thank you for the update. My sympathies are with you. You are/were in a no-win tough position and managed it well.
JG
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:20 AM on October 17, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by brain cloud at 7:24 PM on October 15, 2008 [1 favorite]