Swapping spit with strangers- is it fun?

October 15, 2008 6:13 AM

Something I've wondered about for many years: how do actors get through love scenes?

How do they get so up close and personal with strangers? How can they even stand seriously making out with a stranger, especially if they're with someone else in real life? Don't the significant others get jealous? I understand that shooting a love scene is anything but a romantic experience, that it's all very dry and technical, but how on earth do you get through a scene in which a stranger's tongue is in your mouth while you're lying there practically naked in eachother's arms? It sounds like the most uncomfortable situation imaginable! Any actors out there who've gone through this and can share their experiences?

posted by bluekrauss to human relations (30 comments total)

Isn't that the art of acting? Getting past ones own feelings and emotions, and acting like the character would?

On the other hand, many a Hollywood romance has started during the shooting of a romantic movie...
posted by gjc at 6:30 AM on October 15, 2008

Try watching a few episodes of Inside the Actor's Studio. It comes up pretty often.
posted by flibbertigibbet at 6:35 AM on October 15, 2008

Not everyone is up to it. According to the Wiki article on the evangelical film Fireproof:

In a scene towards the end when Kirk Cameron's character kisses his wife, it was shot in shadow, and the actress, Erin Bethea, was replaced by Cameron's real-life wife, Chelsea Noble, disguised to look like Bethea. This was done because Cameron does not believe that as a Christian he should kiss any woman other than his wife.
posted by Rhaomi at 6:42 AM on October 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

Naomi Watts talks about this in her interview in the New York Times T Magazine's 'Screen Test' series (unfortunately contained with in a flash navgiation I can't access right now). Margo Stilley talks about her performance in 9 songs (which featured actual, rather than simulated sex) in this interview.
posted by tallus at 7:01 AM on October 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Your question indicates that you aren't one for casual sex. I'm not myself, but lots of people don't have that instinctive repugnance for it, which must help. (There are actors who refuse to strip and/or who just won't take parts that involve graphic love scenes.) I've heard actors say it's always awkward, but that it's just part of the job. My guess would be that they just do it the way they utter dialogue and sentiments that is opposed to what they believe in.

And then, too, humans are wired in such a way that actions generate the feelings appropriate to them. Have you ever, say, really not wanted to clean your home or exercise, but knew you had to do it, and so you did it, and once you got started you found you didn't mind it, and even kind of enjoyed it? It must be kind of like that. In acting you work at generating the feelings you need. I read some little quote by Hugh Grant saying that when he does a love scene he often gets "a little excitement in his trousers, even though he doesn't really fancy the actress".
posted by orange swan at 7:06 AM on October 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

I'd think that by the time the actors get to the kissing scenes they wouldn't be strangers anymore. Also, they're actors who have been trained to go through a kissing scene with no awkwardness for years.
posted by Planet F at 7:12 AM on October 15, 2008

The multi-million dollar paycheck(s) probably also makes it more palatable for both the actor and any real life love interest that might get jealous.
posted by COD at 7:26 AM on October 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Your question indicates that you aren't one for casual sex. I'm not myself, but lots of people don't have that instinctive repugnance for it, which must help.

Right, there are lots of people who don't mind making out with "strangers" (plus, are they really strangers? I would imagine by the time they get to the love scenes, they know each other pretty well and are on friendly terms)
posted by delmoi at 7:27 AM on October 15, 2008

I'm not an actor and I have a significant other. But I don't think a few tongue kiss scenes would be that difficult.

the nakedness could be a bit embarassing and offer a few embarassing potential 'stirrings' but I imagine they get over it.

ever had a one night stand?
posted by mary8nne at 7:35 AM on October 15, 2008

Movies aren't filmed in sequential scene order so yes they could be "strangers" during a love scene.

I remember seeing an interview with Ewan McGregor where he said he got a bit too excited during a love scene in one of his earlier movies (it might have been for the mini-series "The Scarlet and the Black") and couldn't hide said excitement.
posted by collocation at 7:35 AM on October 15, 2008

It's not the easiest thing in the world, but it's just...part of the job. It's like -- I ask myself why ANYONE would want to stick their arm up the butt of a cow, but if I were to ask a large-animal vet how he makes himself do that, he'd just shrug and say, "because it needs to be done and that's what they pay me for."

I'm not an actor myself, but I did study it (I just went into a different place in theater), and honestly, an actor has so many other things to worry about in the midst of a scene that it's not really a romantic moment. As for how their significant others can handle it....the ones who can't handle it usually don't end up staying significant others for very long. Others recognize that, "eh, it's part of the job" and deal with it.

But really, it's like vets giving cows a rectal exam -- sometimes the thing that's just part of a job looks really weird to people who don't have that job, but if you DO have that job, it just sort of is something you shrug about and do.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:35 AM on October 15, 2008 [5 favorites]

Ethical questions aside, two things:

- First, actors aren't generally strangers. Even if the love scene were the first thing shot in a film--and I'd imagine it usually isn't--the acting world is small enough that most people in major films will be at least acquaintances. The better question is not "How do people make out with strangers?" but "How do you make out with someone you actively don't like?", which seems to be to be a far more likely possibility.

- Second, if you've been cast in a major film, odds are you're decently good looking. If, as many of the posters suggest, you're more-or-less okay with making out with people to whom you are not currently romantically attached, I'd imagine making out with a friend/acquaintance/detractor would be easier if they're hot.

But this is probably one of the reasons that actors were considered, at least historically, to be of questionable moral character.
posted by valkyryn at 7:40 AM on October 15, 2008

but how on earth do you get through a scene in which a stranger's tongue is in your mouth while you're lying there practically naked in eachother's arms?

Years ago, E weekly or some such show did a segment on this, on the set of an actual movie, with actors and director. The actress was asked something similar to the quoted text above and replied by pulling out a bag of breath mints.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:41 AM on October 15, 2008

I remembered where I had seen an interview talking about a first meeting with another actor involving a kissing scene. James McAvoy and Angelina Jolie in Wanted

"The 29-year-old Scotsman told Ann Curry on TODAY Monday he had to do a make-out scene with the larger-than-life Jolie on her first day on the set. “It was her first day, it was her first scene,” McAvoy recalled. “I had been on the set for two weeks — it was like, ‘Hey, how you doing, nice to meet you, I’m James, oh, we’re going to do a kissing scene now!’ ”
posted by collocation at 7:48 AM on October 15, 2008

I'm a director (and sometimes actor). I've directed actors in kissing scenes (and one scene with partial nudity) and I've acted in a few of them. The first thing I'll tell you -- which I'm sure you already know -- is that there's no single answer to your question. Actors are just people, and, as such, each actor deals with things in his own way. But I can make a few observations:

I've often directed my wife in plays. In fact, I'm doing so now. She's playing Imogen in my production of Cymbeline. In that play, she has to kiss Postumus, who is played by an actor friend of ours. So not only do I continually see my wife kissing my friend, I also direct her to do so. It hasn't been an issue in this play, but I remember once having to tell her and another actor that they weren't kissing passionately enough. "Really go at it," I said.

So how do we all get through this? For us, it's really easy. That may surprise you, but there are several reasons why it's easy: first, it's easy because actors (and the people they hang out with) tend to be very touchy-feely and liberal. I don't mean they're swingers or anything like that. I just meant that most of us are pretty comfortable being physical with each other. If you're not like that, you're not like that, and you may never understand people who are. But people who are like that tend to become actors and people who aren't tend not to. There are exceptions of course. (Actually, I'm an exception. Which may be why I prefer to direct than act. But I'm used to the people around me hanging all over each other.)

Second, kissing and other forms of contact tend to be introduced late in rehearsals/filming. In our case, we rehearsed for eight weeks. The kissing didn't start until week seven. By that time, my wife was definitely not kissing a stranger. We'd all been out drinking together, etc.

Third, we're all in the same boat. Actors often have to kiss, they know they have to, etc. They tent to be super-sensitive to each-others's needs. They will ask permission, etc. "I'm worried we won't get the kissing right. Is it okay if we try it this next time?"

There are rules about how to kiss. Generally, you don't kiss open-mouthed unless you have to. You don't use tongue unless you have to. (I once had an experienced actress complain to me that a less-experienced actor was sticking his tongue in her mouth.) On stage, you can usually get away with a close-mouthed kiss. In film or video, you often have to go farther, especially in close up. Everyone involved knows this -- they know what to expect.

Also, familiarity gets you used to just about anything. The first time I saw my wife kiss another actor, it WAS a bit uncomfortable. As I'm sure it was for her, too. But we've been doing plays together for over ten years. It's a non-issue. I mean, we're still together. It hasn't affected our marriage. So what's the big deal?

Here's the most important point: actors don't think of themselves as just having fun and playing around. They feel that they're doing an important job: telling a story. They are SERVING the story, and they feel like this is a noble thing to do. If the story says that the two characters are in love, they're not serving the story if they don't act like they're in love. They're failing the story and they're letting the audience down. Humans are capable of all sorts of things when they have a goal and they take that goal seriously. I can't stress strongly enough how seriously most actors take their work.

In a way, your question is like, "How do firemen run into a burning building?" I'm not suggesting actors think they're as noble as firemen, but it's the same sort of thing. Both actors and firemen feel they are doing something worthwhile and so they want to do it RIGHT. That makes doing it much easier. Actors also know that their collaborators feel that way. They know that as a group, they're all trying to make the story as perfect as possible. As a director, that's what I want, too, which is why I ask my wife to kiss more passionately. The story calls for it.

Given the tone of your question, this last explanation is probably not going to make sense to you: actors get through kissing scenes because they're fun. They're not always fun. Obviously, no one wants to kiss someone her or she finds repulsive. But that doesn't happen very often, because actors know what they're getting into and can opt out. If you're cast as Romeo, you know you're going to kiss Juliet. If you find the actress repulsive, don't take the part.

If a role requires nudity or sexual touching, that's all clearly spelled out in the contract (and MUST be, according to the actors unions), so actors know exactly what to expect before they agree to take the role.

But barring odd circumstances, it's fun. It's fun because it's fantasy. It's roll-playing. It's fun the way stage combat is fun. It's fun the way wearing a pirate hat is fun.

You'd have to ask my wife, but I'm guessing she's enjoyed kissing some of the guys she's kissing on stage. Maybe it -- OH MY GOD! -- even turned her on. That's okay. It's no big deal. Again, I don't know how to explain to you that it's no big deal, except to say that she and I are still together, and that if we broke up, it wouldn't be because she kissed some guy in a play, even if the kiss turned her on.

The human brain is surprisingly flexible when it comes to what you can accept. Think about the middle eastern countries where guys get upset if another man sees their wives's faces. My guess is that you're not bothered if someone sees your partner's face. I'm not bothered if I see my wife kissing another guy in a play. Here's the most shocking think of all: it's a fun fantasy for me, too.
posted by grumblebee at 7:50 AM on October 15, 2008 [36 favorites]

an actor has so many other things to worry about in the midst of a scene that it's not really a romantic moment.

Back in college, I was in a scene in which I had a long kiss with a girl I was attracted to in real life. (We were both inexperienced back then, didn't know the rules, so we used an opened-mouth kiss with tongue.) Even though it turned me on just to look at her, there was nothing sexy about the kiss. During the kiss, I was literally counting seconds in my head, because I knew it had to go on for a very specific length of time. I was also aware that the audience had to see specific parts of my head and specific parts of the actress's head. I had to make sure we were turned in a very specific way.

I think that for most people, there has to be some degree of freedom -- touch however you want, kiss for however long you want -- for real feelings to happen. Imagine kissing someone you like to kiss. Now imagine I told you that you MUST kiss him/her for three minutes, while holding your head in a very specific way... Not so sexy, right?

It's rare that you have freedom on stage or in film. You often DO have it with when you're not kissing. Depending on the production, you can improve a bit of your movement (how you sit in a chair, etc.). But you generally can't improv in a love scene, because it will become too hard for the audience to see what's going on. Fight scenes are similar. You can't improv them, because that's not safe. When you see actors fighting, they're doing it by-the-numbers, like dance choreography. They're not really angry at each other: they're thinking, one, two, tree, duck, one two three, swing...

So the funny thing is that it's more likely you'll feel really angry at an actor you've yelled at in a scene than you'll feel titillated by an actor you've kissed, because unlike kissing and fighting, yelling doesn't have to be choreographed.

This manifested it self with me in that college play. Sometimes -- when not on stage -- I would wish I could kiss that actress. I didn't even think about the fact that I WAS kissing her every night. Those stage kisses didn't count.
posted by grumblebee at 8:03 AM on October 15, 2008 [4 favorites]

That was one of the first questions I asked my acting teacher, about an extended makeout/kissing scene I saw her do in a play. Her reply was quite simple:

"It's our job. We're professionals."


Another quote, male, on kissing a man for the first time:

"I was like, I have to kiss him twice? And then the director adds another one, so that's three times every performance? When I talked to him after the readthrough, though, it was great: he liked football, he had a girlfriend, and had never kissed a guy before either."


And that's pretty much the attitude I've run into. It's the amateurs I've worked with who have real problems with kissing scenes. Never done nudity, so I couldn't tell you about that.
posted by Ndwright at 8:07 AM on October 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm the actress and wife grumblebee mentioned. In general, I have to say I really enjoy it. Even if it's not someone I'm usually attracted to, in that moment I AM attracted to him. Then it's over until the next time. I've never had to kiss someone I find repulsive, so I'm not sure how I'd react in that situation.

But yeah, the accepted rule is "no tongue".
posted by Evangeline at 8:35 AM on October 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

Kelli O'Hara discusses this, or something very close, in an interview on Fresh Air (at the 22:30 point). The context was a song she did with Harry Connick Jr in a Broadway production of the Pajama Game. The two of them are all over each other, and interviewer says it was so hot and sexy, he felt like he wanted to leave the two of them alone. He asks, "how did you get there"?

The answer that Kelli gives, basically, is that it was a hot, fun, sexy thing to do that with Harry Connick Jr. They really enjoyed each other, they really got into it, and the more the audience responded, the more they got into it.

Now, stage is different from film, and every couple is different, and there was no nakedness in this scene. But, at least for some people, there is an aspect of enjoying your work and really trying to experience the passion you are depicting.

The whole interview is great, btw. Highly recommended listen.
posted by alms at 8:42 AM on October 15, 2008

Back in college, I was in a scene in which I had a long kiss with a girl I was attracted to in real life. (We were both inexperienced back then, didn't know the rules, so we used an opened-mouth kiss with tongue.) Even though it turned me on just to look at her, there was nothing sexy about the kiss. During the kiss, I was literally counting seconds in my head, because I knew it had to go on for a very specific length of time. I was also aware that the audience had to see specific parts of my head and specific parts of the actress's head. I had to make sure we were turned in a very specific way.

Oh, hee, you've reminded me -- I did have to do a scene with a kiss from a college class, and that....went a bit funny.

Now, everything about the set-up for this moment reads like the non-actors' worst nightmare scenario of "actors who hook up in real life" -- we were doing a scene from Uncle Vanya, in which one of the plot points concerns a young married woman who develops a mad crush on a young doctor; they have a couple scenes where they have lots of angst about the fact that she won't leave her husband to stay with him, and he won't move to Moscow so he can see her, and they want to do something but they can't and they just work themselves up into a frenzy of angst and then finally fling themselves at each other for a minute and then break off saying "No, we mustn't," etc. I was doing one of THOSE scenes. My scene partner was REALLY hot. And...I had a boyfriend. But did I mention my scene partner was REALLY hot? Hot to the point that I had to take cold showers after our rehearsals, and hot to the point that I was looking forward to that kiss?

We just sort of glossed over rehearsing the kiss in rehearsal, just doing a sort of "okay, I'll put my head here, blah, yeah, like this" and so we didn't really do the kiss full-on until class. So we're doing the scene in class, everything's ticking along, and then it gets to the moment when we're supposed to rush into each other's arms and kiss...

...And my scene partner, who was at least a foot taller than me, got so caught up in the moment that he wrapped his arms around me in such a way that my arms were pinned to my sides, and then he picked me up off the floor. And as I was pinned there, feet dangling a good six inches above the ground, the kiss turned into a tongue-kiss. So there I was -- in the exact situation I had been fantasizing about for weeks while we'd been rehearsaing -- and all I could think was, "I can't move my arms, and I can't touch the floor." Fortunately my character was supposed to be a little dazed and flustered after the kiss, so the scene finished up properly after he put me back down.

Sometimes, when actors kiss on stage, it's like that.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:45 AM on October 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

we were doing a scene from Uncle Vanya

Small world: my kiss experience (the one I wrote about in my last post) was also in a production of Uncle Vanya.
posted by grumblebee at 9:07 AM on October 15, 2008

I saw an interview one time with Erin Gray who was asked something about this. She talked about how one time she was filming a love scene with some actor, and it took several days to complete. Every day she'd end up coming home hot-and-bothered, and she and her husband would have hot sex.

After five days of that, her husband said to her, "I don't know who this guy is that you're working with right now, but I'm going to miss him!"
posted by Class Goat at 9:47 AM on October 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

I had to do a kiss for "Our Town" in high school, and while it wasn't a big deal for me, the girl in the lead had actually never kissed anyone before. So needless to say she was very nervous about it, and the drama teacher didn't want us "practicing" the kiss during every rehearsal, so it wasn't until the full dress run-through that we actually kissed. That one went fine, but when it was time for the show, she got a little anxious and virtually jumped into me for the kiss - not that she was eager to kiss me, just the anticipation of being on stage in front of all those people made her misjudge the movement. It went off without a hitch, but my friends didn't let it go for about a month how she jumped my bones on stage for her first kiss.

As many have said, the last thing you are thinking about at that moment is the emotion behind a real kiss. I'm sure that real actors can get more into the character and lose themselves in the moment, but there are always technical aspects to doing any scene.
posted by shinynewnick at 10:18 AM on October 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Yeah, actor here: kissing on stage is pretty unsexy, since all you (I) are thinking about is things like, "Okay, kiss for two beats . . . caress shoulder . . . fuck, there's a line coming up . . . " And also, yes, it's an unwritten rule that there's no tongue.

That said! I was in a production of God's Country in college. At the end of the first act, there was this pretty fucked-up tableu scene where, while people shouted Nazi rants behind me, I knelt on stage front with my "wife," kissing her and taking off her shirt and bra. It turned out that, unbeknownst to me, the actress playing my wife had slowly developed a massive crush on me. On closing night, as I strip off this girl's top, she rams her tongue into my mouth. Meanwhile, I very clinically have her tits in my hands, doing actor thoughts like, "Okay, tits almost done, time for hips in a second . . . hey, Jesus Christ, tongue!" I just about shit out my heart.

Later at the closing party she got horribly drunk and cried in the shower. Good times.
posted by Skot at 11:13 AM on October 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

When I had to kiss the decidedly unsexy older community actor brought in for a college production, who wasn't a particularly nice guy, either, I steeled my pride, mentally gritted my teeth, and delivered by resolving to be the more professional person.

When I did a production with a bedroom scene that included partial & implied nudity and a lot of kissing, we choreographed it carefully (had to, to keep from getting distracted by getting tangled in sheets) which helped break the ice. After we'd rolled around in various stages of undress a few times, we were able to laugh, shrug it off, and basically have crushes on each other until the end of the run. Not real crushes -- we weren't particularly interested in each other -- more like the kind of crush you have on a cute yoga instructor that puts a skip in your step even when you're too tired to go to the gym.
posted by desuetude at 1:35 PM on October 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Oh, just thought of something.

Another actor's onstage tale of woe concerned a play with some simulated nudity and oral sex (he and the actress got into a bed, you saw them throw a pair of boxer shorts out of the bed and then they mimed the fellatio). The way they set it up was by having a second pair of boxer shorts preplaced in the bed, so they threw that out of the bed and the actor was in reality staying clothed. But one night, someone forgot to place the "stunt boxers" there, so he and the actress just traded a look, then shrugged, and they really stripped him down and went ahead with miming it. When he spoke to her afterward about whether she felt icky about it, the actress just laughed and said that her girlfriend would probably be more amused than anything else.

The moral: you're assuming that both persons involved in an onstage kiss scene are both the same sexual orientation. That may not necessarily be the case.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:49 PM on October 15, 2008

Actor here. I've noticed that I, and other actors I've worked with, sometimes start to believe the emotions we act out with other actors. Playing Guinevere, I eventually discovered that I found my Lancelot attractive, where before the play I'd found him annoying. And my initial crush on the actor playing Arthur evaporated during rehearsal- because my character had to find him bland, I began to notice all the bland things about him. Likewise, it's sometimes hard for me to get really close to an actor if my character hates their character. In most plays and films I've worked on, I've found that the scripted dynamics tend to recur in subtle ways offstage, too.

I'd have no problem kissing lots of other actors I know- actors tend to be physically attractive, charismatic, comfortable with their bodies, and charming, so that's a plus- but I'll also mention that I have turned down a role where I would have had to kiss a person I strongly disliked and whose hygiene fell short of my standards. I was grossed out by the idea and I knew I wouldn't be able to commit to the kiss and make it look real. I don't like to take jobs I think I'll do badly at. So while the kiss wasn't the sole reason for my decision to turn down the role, it was certainly a factor.

Despite all that, performing a kiss is not the same as kissing! When performing, it's much more technical than emotional or physical, even if you do like your scene partner. It can be a little awkward, but it's a fun job and it's usually worth it in the end.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:29 PM on October 15, 2008

I only had a few theatre classes in high school and failed a couple of college auditions after which I felt that bug had been bitten and quit. But my only stage kiss -- in a class demo scene -- was with a lesbian. So heh to Empress.

It's interesting that so many here have talked about it being "fun". It's almost a cliché, though, that an actor or actress will dismiss this sort of question in an interview with a response like:

"It isn't like you think. When you're in the love scene it isn't just the two of you -- you're being watched by your boss and fifteen or so coworkers."

By the way, depending on the level of nudity required, male or female ... autonomic response ... may be disguised by the use of strategems such as gaffer's tape.
posted by dhartung at 11:40 PM on October 15, 2008

"It isn't like you think. When you're in the love scene it isn't just the two of you -- you're being watched by your boss and fifteen or so coworkers."

Good thing I'm an exhibitionist - that's just icing on the cake!
posted by Evangeline at 7:11 AM on October 16, 2008

It's interesting that so many here have talked about it being "fun".

Well, think about it for a second: pretty much everyone knows that actors have to kiss each other, so someone who doesn't think it's fun isn't likely to become an actor. I don't think driving fast is fun, so I'm not likely to decide to be a race-car driver.

The only time I've ever seen anyone go a bit too far with stage kissing happened when I was assistant directing a Broadway show. I won't say who was in it, but they were pretty big stars. Two of them -- an actor and an actress -- had to kiss. During a rehearsal, the actor kept kissing the actress and then screwing up his line right after. So it would be kiss, line screw up, "Oops. Sorry. My bad. Can we go back and try that again?"

At first I thought he was genuinely screwing up. But after about the tenth time, it was pretty clear what was going on. The guy was astoundingly good looking and charming, which is probably why the actress let him get away with it.

I'd say they were both having fun.
posted by grumblebee at 1:45 PM on October 16, 2008