Failure.

October 14, 2008 8:59 AM

Been a student my whole life, never had a job. I failed my Ph.D. program's traumatic qualifying exams. The thought of taking them again makes me want to vomit. What should I do?

I'm 24 and two years into a Ph.D. program. I dedicated myself to studying for exams for 6 months but just received word I failed one. I get to retake it once in January (if I fail again I am terminated from the program). I am terrified by the thought of taking the exam again. I really want to quit but I don't want to be a quitter. I don't know if I can motivate myself to do it. What should I do?

My qualifying exams were, in a word, traumatic. They gave me dozens of sleepless nights, stress headaches, and general anxiety. I was indescribably happy when I turned in my exams. However, now I have to take one again and for the first time in my life I feel like I cannot imagine even attempting it.

I am a pretty driven person. I have always been willing to at least attempt something. I cannot remember anything that I was just unwilling to try. However, the thought of taking another exam or even studying for it makes me physically sick.

What should I do?

posted by anonymous to work & money (38 comments total)

Take the exam again.
posted by box at 9:04 AM on October 14, 2008 [2 favorites]

IMHO, you have 1 exam to pass and a dissertation to write. Beyond that is it your desire to be an academic? If so, this is what you have to do.

Go to student health and talk with someone about some anti-anxiety treatment ('round my PhD world they throw ativan at you).
posted by k8t at 9:05 AM on October 14, 2008

Rather than quit, you've come this far, why not just take the exam again but more relaxed. If you are willing to quit, you should be willing to fail and that should make you more relaxed and not worry as much allowing you to study without the pressure. Viola, you pass because you were not worried.

Oh, and go to student health and get the ativan.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:14 AM on October 14, 2008 [6 favorites]

You don't say what your majors were in college. We could suggest some part-time jobs if you gave us more information, so that you could try out working in the real world. I wouldn't recommend seeking anything more than part-time work between now and re-taking that one final.

Which of course you should do, and you know this.

Yes, the exams sucked. But part of all the sucking was not knowing what was in store for you. You have a much better idea now, and only ONE to take instead of several at the same time. You can do this!

I don't blame you for dreading going through that process again. But you have almost three months before that one exam. Let yourself relax for a week or two and then re-visit the question, and I think you will find you are up to the task!
posted by misha at 9:19 AM on October 14, 2008

Fuck everyone else. What do you want to do?
posted by 517 at 9:20 AM on October 14, 2008 [2 favorites]

Life's not about the successes, its about the getting back up when you fail. Act accordingly.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:21 AM on October 14, 2008 [3 favorites]

Totally been there, almost exactly. Failed the orals, had one chance to retake them, massive anxiety, all that. Went to see a doctor, who gave me a a few month's worth of anti-anxiety meds, which allowed me to suck it up enough to study (and pass).

Do that.
posted by MrMoonPie at 9:23 AM on October 14, 2008

Get a tutor.
posted by xammerboy at 9:24 AM on October 14, 2008

After all you've been through, don't let one exam derail a potential lifetime in academics. Take it again - it's only one exam, so it will be a lot easier to study for than all the exams you did the first time, plus you already know something about it.
posted by Dasein at 9:27 AM on October 14, 2008

I didn't mean that towards the others in this thread.

I meant it as a mindset from which to put your anxiety into perspective.
posted by 517 at 9:27 AM on October 14, 2008

The perspective you lack is time. You feel that you can never go through this again, but these things happen. With a bit of time you'll see that.

You should ask yourself some questions though. Like k8t said, is your heart in this? Do you really want to be an academic? If so, this is a temporary road-block. Take a couple of days off, pick yourself up again and get back to studying. You should also ask what parts of the exam caused you to fail, so then you can focus your efforts.

Of course, to echo k8t again, all these exams do is to qualify you to write a dissertation which will bring up it's own set of frustrations. Only you know whether or not you can go through with this and there's nothing wrong with deciding that academia isn't for you. Good luck!
posted by ob at 9:29 AM on October 14, 2008

You failed one, you passed how many others? You only failed one which means you have until your retest date to study for only one test. Take a step back and a deep breath, then throw yourself at it.
Take the test.
posted by a3matrix at 9:30 AM on October 14, 2008

Having failed once, you should probably have a better idea of your weak points-- and if you don't, it's time to sit down with your advisor, go over your preparations, and see where your approach failed you. You sound really determined and very thorough in your attack on the exam, which probably just means that you either focused on the wrong areas, or didn't convincingly display your command of that knowledge when you got to the exam itself. Either of those problems can be fixed-- one just requires refocusing some effort, the other might be helped with a few visits to your school's writing lab and some time with your advisor going over your essays.

I'd go pick up the meds and get in a session with a counselor first, though, depending on how your advisor reacts to such events. (If you have an advisor like the guy I used to work for, I'm sorry in advance.)
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 9:31 AM on October 14, 2008

Some of the responses to this thread are obnoxious, Walmart, sheesh show some compassion.

Look, when I took the Bar Exam I though I would have a stroke due to the anxiety. I remember leaving after the first day of the exam, convinced I had tanked it, and as I was waiting for my wife to pick me up, I ran into a friend of mine, with a tendency to be too honest and blunt and the conversation went something like this:

Me: Hey
Her: What in the fuck is wrong with you, you look terrible.
Me: I just failed the Bar Exam.
Her: It's just a test, right, you can take it again, right, so what is your problem, you'll be fine.
Me: You know you have something there.

If this is something you really want, find someone to go over your exam with you, figure out where you screwed up. The advice to seek counseling about your test anxiety is excellent, you may not need meds, just some reflective distance on the problem, and your clearly an educated smart person, you will be fine no matter what happens. Hell you are 24, you can do anything.

Best wishes.
posted by Ponderance at 9:34 AM on October 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

I really want to quit but I don't want to be a quitter.

Not wanting to be a quitter is a terrible reason to stay in grad school. It may be that grad school is right for you and that you need to figure out how to manage your anxiety. But if you hate it and really don't want to be there, there is no shame at all in quitting. It is much better to quit early on than to spend the next ten years working on a dissertation and then realize that you hate academia. You don't get any moral brownie points for doing things that make you miserable. You would not be a bad person if you realized that you didn't make the right decision at the age of 22 about what you wanted to do for the rest of your life.

Definitely go to the student counseling center. They should have some folks who are trained to help people work through these very issues. These are super, super common issues among grad students, and they will be able to help you with both your anxiety and your should-I-stay-or-should-I-go dilemma.
posted by craichead at 9:35 AM on October 14, 2008 [4 favorites]

Some of the responses to this thread are obnoxious, Walmart, sheesh show some compassion.

Actually, I think Jonmc's response is great in its simplicity. The point I think he is making is sucking it up and taking the test again sure is a better option than working at WalMart. Or, take your failed test and go work at WalMart or get back on the horse and pass your test and get into the field you originally chose for your degree.

Life is full of difficulties and setbacks. either you fight back or suck it up at WalMart.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:48 AM on October 14, 2008

I was in this position, but I had failed 2 qualifying exams (in mathematics) at the age of 24. I still tried, and tried, and on the third shot, I passed my first one. The next time, I passed the next one (I was the only one of 11 to pass).

Keep trying. Study harder. You can do it.
posted by King Bee at 9:50 AM on October 14, 2008

Actually, I think Jonmc's response is great in its simplicity. The point I think he is making is sucking it up and taking the test again sure is a better option than working at WalMart.

It might be a decent answer if the only choices were retaking the exam or working at Wal-mart. Since that's not true, it's a stupid answer, as well as a cruel one.
posted by craichead at 9:52 AM on October 14, 2008 [4 favorites]

As a sixth year grad student, I have this caveat:

Quals suck. But years 4, 5, and 6 are way way worse than quals. More stressful, more damaging to your sanity and self esteem. I'm certain you can pass quals (in my department over 50% of students fail quals the first time around)....but do you really want to? Most of the time, I wish I had taken my masters and run!
posted by emd3737 at 10:08 AM on October 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat a hundred thousand times.

Then ask yourself this question again in a week.

In the immediate aftermath of having failed (one part of) something that was hugely important to you, it's totally and completely natural for you to feel like a failure and panic and stress and do all the things you're doing. To want to quit. To cry, to shout, to curse whatever god you happen to believe in.

The panic should subside some with a little time. After that, you can start to look at a study plan for the just one of several tests you need to focus on, and possibly also a plan for seeking counseling or meds for your anxiety issues.

You've already been through many years of university and 6 months of hell leading up to this point. If you'd really rather give up and pursue a different approach to the rest of your life than go through another 2 months of presumably lesser hell then that's definitely your choice to make, and it's not necessarily "quitting" but "recognizing that this is now where I want to be". But, please don't do it before you talk to someone at your university's counseling center about whether there's something they can do to help you with the anxiety.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:14 AM on October 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

Do you really want to quit or are you just afraid to continue? If it's the latter, this is not a feeling exclusive to PhD programs and exams. If you make a habit of quitting because you're afraid of failure you'll grow up to be just like my ex-boyfriend and no one wants that.

Try studying with others or getting a tutor. It really helps the OMG factor for me anyway.
posted by fshgrl at 10:23 AM on October 14, 2008

I failed an oral exam at the end of my Prestigious Master's Program, which meant that I could go through the motions of graduation with all my classmates but had to take the exam again a month later (in the summer, while I was supposed to be getting a job and everyone else--at least the estimated 90% who passed--had moved on with their lives) in order to get my PMP degree. It was emotionally eviscerating; in my mind, I had always been The Smart Kid and now I was just A Failure. So I have an idea of how you're feeling.

You have three months. I'm with misha: Take a week and do nothing related to the qual. You need to recharge, clear out the crap, and remember why you got into this in the first place. And then, if you've decided it's the right thing, go for it. When you have that Ph.D. (if that's what you decide on), no one else will care if or how you stumbled along the way. I have my PMP degree, most people still think I'm The Smart Kid, and even though I still wince at that memory...I'm inclined to agree with them.
posted by kittyprecious at 10:27 AM on October 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

I strongly agree with craichead.

Quitting now does not mean you are a quitter; it means you are someone who realized that they had made a bad choice, and had the courage to rectify that situation. There are many good reasons for toughing it out and re-taking your qualifying exams. Fear of being a quitter is not one of them.
posted by googly at 10:28 AM on October 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

Quals suck. But years 4, 5, and 6 are way way worse than quals. More stressful, more damaging to your sanity and self esteem.

This is far from a universal truth. Independent research work is very different from study-and-test academics. As to whether it will suit you better, no one here can really say.

It sounds like you have issues with anxiety. I would recommend speaking with a professional. People in similar circumstances have had good results with cognitive behavioral therapy. Once you've dealt with the anxiety as a separate issue, you'll be better equipped to think about your future.
posted by mr_roboto at 10:32 AM on October 14, 2008

I agree some stress management would be in order. Get the drugs, but also try some deep breathing exercises, yoga, meditation.
posted by blissing at 10:33 AM on October 14, 2008

I was in the same situation, kind of, aged 24 and I had horrible depression that took a long time to lift after it. Actually, till I handed in the PhD. I was furiously angry that I had entered a PhD programme at 21 and found myself in a lot of situations I was in no way equipped to handle (or so I thought). But I grew up, and I did cope, and I've since discovered most of my problems might have been mildly compounded by the PhD were the same problems everyone my age was having. I also realised that the PhD didn't necessarily give me the same feeling of legitimation getting a BA did, because I'm not quite so naive about academia anymore. All that said, i'm happier because i struggled through it.

However, you should try and get the exams at the very least, without considering the future as yet. Passing them will change your perspective on things, it will give you some confidence, and you might be able to try and break down some of the things that are causing your problems, if not all. Find a way to remotivate yourself, whatever it takes, whether thats just hard studying or taking yourself on a holiday for a while and coming back to it.

The bad news is : if you pass them and go on to PhD level you may continue to hate it. Drugs or therapy will not abate your stress; they might help you manage it better, but they won't lift it. Amongst other things, a PhD is a qualifier for a career. You have to convince yourself you're heading for that career while you're doing it. If you don't want to do it, you will have another few years of internal conflict for the duration of the PhD. You will also have to deal with the problems in your personal relationships, the isolation, and financial problems that come with it. Its ok to not put your own health on the backburner for the sake of an academic career. you can always return to it later in life. you have lots of time.
posted by iamnotateenagegirl at 10:34 AM on October 14, 2008 [2 favorites]

There's definitely no shame in quitting, but since we're talking about a couple of months, I'd definitely take the exam again. (Seriously revisit the issue of quitting afterwards, even if you pass with flying colors.) We regret the things we don't do, not the things we do, and if you take this exam and the worst happens -- terrible failure, have to quit, total career change -- you'll get over it pretty fast. If you leave now, I'd say you might not, because the "what if?" factor will be much, much bigger. I think you'll be happier if you take the exam with no further preparation, do terribly, flunk out and leave academia forever, than if you quit now.

So with that in mind, don't work too hard. If you buy my argument that even taking the exam with no further preparation is a constructive, life-affirming choice, then any preparation you do do -- even a few minutes a day -- is gravy. It certainly doesn't sound like you failed the first time round through not working hard enough. So start from a zero baseline: any work you manage to do is great. Actually, I'd argue you should limit yourself to 3-4 hours a day maximum -- less, if you have other work to be doing too. Schedule leisure. Try to relax a little into the fact that failing again is totally possible -- and fine. Don't approach the next three months with the stubborn determination that failure must be avoided at all costs. Don't tell yourself you need to be motivated. Try to hang out with your feelings, whatever they are, and if you happen to be able to do a little work alongside them, that's excellent.

I realize that the people saying 'don't be such a whiner' aren't simply being mean - they think they're helping motivate the OP in a 'tough love' way. But if I know the OP's mindset like I think I do, this approach is, none the less, unhelpful -- people urging you to "fight your way through" and bottle up your fears just makes the whole undertaking into more of a terrifying ordeal, a perception which is the source of the OP's problems in the first place.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 11:46 AM on October 14, 2008 [2 favorites]

You'll regret it if you quit. If you want to know more, mefimail me.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 11:47 AM on October 14, 2008

I had to take two bar exams in two different states. Most of my friends passed the exams, but a few didn't. I didn't notice any discernible difference in the intelligence, knowledge, or capability of those who passed versus those who failed. They all went to good schools and are bright people. The big differences between the fail group and the pass group were (a) anxiety level and (b) preparation level. If you prepared than you probably failed because of (a) and you need to figure out a way to be less nervous, anxious.

Perhaps take a little breather where you're not worrying about it so much or work with a therapist.
posted by bananafish at 12:02 PM on October 14, 2008

Nthing the advice to get therapy and/or drugs to reduce your anxiety, bust your butt to take the exam, and then consider whether the rest of grad school is for you. Regrets are part of life, but you'll have more if you don't try to pass the exam than if you don't.

Also, particularly if you're in the humanities, I suggest you talk to people outside your department/school about what job options there are for people with advanced degrees in your field. Your life is not over if you don't pass the exam; your life is not over if you take it and decide you hate grad school because it stresses you sick, either.
posted by immlass at 12:10 PM on October 14, 2008

Not wanting to be a quitter is a terrible reason to stay in grad school.

Actually, I think that's how at least half of grad students get through graduate school. Honestly, grad school kinda sucks. Your pay is awful, your spend way too much time at work and you get to watch all your non-student peers begin real lives with lucrative jobs and sane hours. Obviously a love of whatever it is your doing is vital, but sheer tenacity is really important when you're stuck dealing with things you don't like (e.g. quals).

OP, as lots of other people have suggested, seek treatment for the anxiety. It might involve medication, it might not. But dealing with that is going to help immeasurably when it comes to getting past quals. If necessary, take a leave of absence for a few months. And keep focusing on what's beyond quals. You'll be able to work on something you care about and actively contribute to the sum of human knowledge.
posted by Nelsormensch at 12:18 PM on October 14, 2008

You'll regret it if you quit.

notjustfoxybrown may have regretted quitting, but she can't know whether you would. As a data point opposed to njfb, I quit my first graduate program about a year after passing my quals, and never regretted it--in fact, it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

I don't know whether quitting is the right decision for you, but I'm with craichead--don't let fear of being a "quitter" stop you if quitting is the right choice for you. The same people who call an action "being a quitter" if they want to spin it negatively will call it "cutting one's losses" if they want to spin it positively.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 12:30 PM on October 14, 2008

You've gotten tons of good advice above, but I wanted to make one more suggestion. If you do decide to stick with it and take that exam again, don't forget the political side of preparation: namely, making nice -- regularly -- with the people who evaluate your performance. If you're in their office once a week from now until the time you take the exam, discussing your ideas and soliciting their own thoughts and guidance, they're going to have a much, much, much harder time failing you again. The legitimate reason for this? They're going to know how very seriously you take your quals, and how hard you prepped for them, and if your performance is still (in their opinion) sub-par, they're going to know, from all your meetings, that you DO know your stuff, and that anxiety is probably to blame for your performance.

The second, arguably less legitimate reason that they'll be more likely to pass you is due solely to their egos. If they met with you weekly to discuss this stuff, they're going to be far less likely to acknowledge that your performance was anything less than stellar, because to do otherwise is to call into doubt their own skills as teachers. (I know that profs at research universities often don't like to teach -- but most of them still like to flatter themselves that they can explain anything in their field with brilliant ease and fluency. (Ha.))

Finally, to reiterate what some others have said -- you should address your anxiety proactively. Anxiety is utterly commonplace in graduate programs. We tend, then, to discount it as something we have to live with. But what we ignore when we dismiss it is the real and crippling damage anxiety can wreak on the work we produce. Anxiety is like a straight jacket for the brain! It freezes you up (and exhausts you) when you most need to feel limber and creative and alert.

In fact, your anxiety may be the **main reason** you failed the exam.

See someone at your university's health clinic. If your school (or your department) is anything like mine, nobody -- I repeat, NOBODY -- at health services is going to be *at all* surprised that you are suffering from anxiety. Rather, they will be sympathetic and attentive and very willing to help you get what you need, be it a little bit of therapy or a little bit of Xanax, or both. :)

Good luck!
posted by artemisia at 1:06 PM on October 14, 2008

You just failed a test. An important one, to be certain, but no one died as the result of your actions.

This is what I say to people at work when a release goes badly - we are lucky, we do not work for the Department of Defense.

I am glad you are not questioning your competency or your intelligence but there is nothing wrong with you. You are not a bad person. You are by all accounts a hard working person who is facing a BIG UGLY CHALLENGE.

I suggest drawing pictures of the challenge. Naming it. Buy an Ugly Doll and name it after the exam.

I second the suggestions for yoga, meditation, breathing, short-term therapy, long walks in the woods, and TAKING SOME TIME OFF. Treating yourself as a precious object will make you strong. Beating yourself up will only do more damage.

Also, not meaning to be ageist or condescending: you're 24. You have your entire life ahead of you. Hang in there.
posted by micawber at 1:12 PM on October 14, 2008

Look at it this way. I didn't finish my PhD until I was 31, so you're years ahead of me even if it takes you a while to pass.

When you're done with this, you'll look back and it won't be so bad. Really, the exams are worst before you take them, because you have no clue what to expect. At least by now you know what you're in for.
posted by caution live frogs at 1:28 PM on October 14, 2008

All of these study tips are awesome, however, my advice: Adderral. Talk to Student Health, pop your pills and get the job done. It's worth it to get it over with.

It sounds like you've got the skills and brains to do the job, you might just need a boost to get your motivations in order.
posted by GilloD at 1:28 PM on October 14, 2008

In my field (mycology) and my country (USA), the qualifying exam was not nearly the traumatic thing you're describing. The only people who failed it were people who probably shouldn't have been in the program to begin with. If you only failed one, I suspect you're doing fine. Have you talked to your committee about how you did? It's important to have good communication with your advisors, since they are the ones who MUST care about your future. I'm now in a position to guide young people in their career, and you can bet I take that responsibility very seriously. If you were my student, I would not let you feel this way. I would already know if you were cut out for grad school, and if you were, I'd give you some serious encouraging words. If no one on your committee is like this, then change your committee. Seriously. You deserve it.
posted by acrasis at 3:45 PM on October 14, 2008

My ex had to take his three times. There were department politics involved; he changed advisors; the whole situation was excruciatingly stressful. Of course he thought seriously about quitting, but in the end he chose to stick with it.

Not only did he come out of it just fine, he nabbed what was probably one of the four or five best post-doc positions available that year. All's well; he's now tenured and cranking out books. It's not my place to claim that he's happy, but it sure seems like he is.

If you decide to go for it, you don't have to shoulder all the difficulty on your own. Your university's counselling center can help you with the anxiety, and your advisor and others in your department can help you with the preparations.That's what they're there for.
posted by tangerine at 12:24 PM on October 15, 2008 [1 favorite]