A marriage, a love, a confusion. Please help me understand what is happening here...
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
My wife and I have been married for well over six years. About four years ago, we started a home-based business—she worked in the social services under contract with the state, and I provided computer programming and graphic design to clients throughout U.S. Slowly, we grew that business from a home-based, two person business to a thriving, diverse company with over twenty employees and a six-thousand-square-foot office space.
Every day, we would go to work together as the owners of the business that we built together. We would share our hopes and dreams for the continued expansion of the business, as well as our concerns, working together to resolve problems and grow the company. We both said multiple times that we loved what we were doing, loved our employees, and loved working together on something that we would, hopefully, pass down to our children one day.
Owning a successful business afforded us certain pleasures. We both have cars that we love, and, over the past four or so years, would take two lengthy all-exclusive vacations a year. We also had close friends built out of the business, and we owned our business property, a single-family home that we just moved into, and rental properties that we worked on together. We went out to dinner often and had great conversations about our dreams, future family, and life forever together.
Earlier this year, my wife and I went out to a fabulous, romantic dinner. We talked about our vacation plans for the summer and about our business. The next morning, I went to work, and my wife said that she had appointments out, which wasn’t uncommon. Then, when I returned home at the end of the day, she wasn’t there, which was unusual. I tried calling her cell multiple times before calling her friends and mother—all who said that they didn’t know where she was at. Then, through a lucky finding that is too specific to list here, I found out that she went to her mother’s home—several hours away. Her mother constantly said that she knew nothing about this, but wasn’t concerned at all. (As an aside, I’ve never gotten along with my mother in law.)
I’m going to leave out some details here to help protect the anonymity of this post (which is already too detailed and specific). But, suffice it to say I didn’t hear anything from my wife for over two weeks, when she sent an email saying that I would be getting divorce papers, which arrived later that day. Over those two weeks, I struggled tremendously, with not understanding, with trying to hold our business together, with comforting a close group of employees who are also close friends, and with, honestly, just trying to survive.
In the next week, we went to counseling, where my wife said that she didn’t know why she left. She said that I didn’t do anything to cause her to leave, and that she just felt a panic that forced her to leave. She said that she didn’t plan to leave, but woke up that morning and felt that she had to go for some reason. Over the next few months, we continued to go to counseling, and she continually said the same thing. She was almost immediately put on anti-depressants, and is now to the point where she is ready to move on. She is back to normal, except that she no longer works for the company that we built. Other than that, she is completely acting as she did before leaving – as if nothing had ever happened.
But, something did happen. She did leave and didn’t contact me for over two weeks. And, I’m finding it nearly impossible to forget that and to move on. I’ve tried, and I want this to work, but…
• Every time that I come home and she’s not home, I find myself immediately checking our closet to see if her clothes are here. If I call her cell and she doesn’t answer, I worry.
• I miss having her at work, and I’m honestly upset that she was able to throw away her part in our business as quickly as she did. It’s hard to look at new buildings, work with the employees, and build the business without her there. And, I’m upset that she doesn’t seem to be upset at all. Don’t get me wrong, the employees are some of my closest friends, but I miss her daily.
• I miss building a business with her and creating something that we can give our kids some day. She’s ready to have kids, but after this, I’m not.
• I miss being able to tell her everything and to discuss things with her. I find myself much more closed now than before—I protect my feelings, my salary, my concerns, and my feelings much more.
• I’m worried that I’m being played somehow. I found a journal in which she wrote down all of the things that she needed to do before leave—something that suggests the leaving was planned.
How do I figure out what to do? How do I move forward with my life? How do I give up a marriage or forgive and move forward with years of marriage? How do I get back the love that is somewhat clouded?