Life insurance is up to date and my will is in place: I wanna ride!

October 9, 2008 11:23 AM

I used to be a biker and I'm getting a hankering to ride again. But my wife is horrified at the thought.

Back "in the day" I used to ride motorcycles a lot, something I really, really enjoyed. Smaller bikes nothing larger than a 650, but fast enough to get into trouble. I dumped my bike a few times, road rash mostly but twice messed up my left (primary) arm. The second accident was very serious as these things go, rendering me a cyborg by definition: the surgeon needed to install two plates, twelve screws and some wire (??) into my left arm to reconstruct it, also performing a trans ulnar nerve relocation. Now I've got this totally awesome 12" scar where they opened my left arm up, all the better as I tend towards keloid tissue. On the downside, I've also got severely limited use of the arm, but this is something that most folks just don't notice unless they observe me closely.

So background over, here's the question: I'm taking some time off work and lately I've developed a strong desire to start riding again. There are a couple of motorcycle shops down the road from us (we live in London's East End), and I've been dropping by on my way home from the produce market, pricing out bikes and talking the talk with the guys. But my wife, who knows the entire biking history - the riding, the parties, the accidents - isn't having it.

I not really interested in doing the urban traffic / dodge the cagers things, but there's seriously nothing better than doing zero to sixty in four seconds. It would be absolutely idyllic to ride along the English coast on a bright sunny day.

What arguments can I put on the table to help my wife come around? While it seems most of her reluctance originates from never being on the back of one, the phrase death machine has been introduced into our very civil discussions. I can't really think of a good reason that two wheels are better than four, and the fun / excitement argument is highly subjective.

posted by anonymous to human relations (24 comments total)

Get alot of life insurance and disability insurance and tell her if you have an accident she can buy a villa in France and retire.
posted by ewkpates at 11:30 AM on October 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

The best argument I can think of is this:

Honey, this is important to me, and to be as safe as possible, I'm going to sign up for and take some advanced rider courses. I acknowledge that considering my accidents in the past, and that I am probably quite rusty, I need some more training before I get started again. I intend to be as safe as possible and this will help me do it. Even though I've said in the past that my scars are "awesome", I've grown up since then and realize there's no glory in riding unsafely (like zero to sixty in four seconds) or getting myself hurt. Nothing is 100% safe but I will do everything I can to make sure you don't have to visit me in the hospital.
posted by fritley at 11:42 AM on October 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

Buy her a motorcycle too!
posted by suki at 11:48 AM on October 9, 2008

Things that worked for me:

* Promise to always wear your leathers and helmet, and mean it.
* Look up the statistics on bikers who aren't drunk at the time of their accidents. At least in the US, the rates of fatality/serious injury are obviously higher than for cars, but not terribly so (corollary: promise to never ride after any amount to drink).
* Take an advanced skills class.
* Don't look for a crotch rocket. Perception will make a bigger difference the actual bike performance.
posted by Dr.Enormous at 11:49 AM on October 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

I am one of the "it's a death machine" wives. My husband has basically kept me at bay by pointing out how much fuel he saves with the better gas mileage and by demonstrating to me the measures he takes to ensure good safety. He also promised not to ride at night or in bad weather. It helped that he already had a motorcycle when we got married, though. If he wanted to go out and spend money on a new one now, I'd have a very hard time with that.
posted by bristolcat at 11:58 AM on October 9, 2008

Not sure about Europe, but the US the fatality rate for sober riders, with (full face) helmets, during the day, while it's not raining, outside of the city are actualy pretty darn low. Find the numbers and dazzle her with figures. Then stay on the good side of those numbers.
posted by piedmont at 12:02 PM on October 9, 2008

My BF hasn't ridden since I met him, but I know that one of these days I'm going to end up in your wife's position. Over the year we've been together, he's casually spoken about his motorcycling experience, how much he's into safety, wears a full set of safety gear every time he rides, and has taken advanced road classes. This, plus the fact that I know he's very level-headed and sensible, helps to reassure my knee-jerk reactions. So in a way he's been preparing me.

Once the day comes when he wants to hit the road, I know I'm going to have some irrational fears, but all I can do is rely on the facts and on my trust in that person's good judgment. So, from your wife's point of view, I think the best you can do is give her lots of statistics, be a level-headed person in general who makes good decisions, and demonstrate your level-headedness in lots of life situations. Introducing her to other level-headed people who ride motorcycles and let her hear them talk about how safe they are would probably be another good step. If she's not a level-headed person herself and is not wise enough to trust you, then that's her problem, not yours.
posted by matildaben at 12:07 PM on October 9, 2008

what about going on a weekend getaway where you rent a bike and take her somewhere nice?
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:14 PM on October 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

What would you do if the situation were opposite? If your wife had formerly been a hard-partying motorcyclist and had the accidents and scars to prove it. And then suddenly she developed a desire to buy a donorcycle again and ride it around. Would you be able to relax at home, when you were wondering whether she'd survive the commute? Whether someone would absent-mindedly pull out in front of her and leave her a drooling vegetable, despite the helmet? Would you prefer she have a less risky vehicle? Would it make you happier if she ultimately decided to compromise and get convertible automobile instead?
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 12:24 PM on October 9, 2008

given your previous inability to ride safely I'd say fuck no.

take up something safer like skydiving or something.

As a 40-something I too share the desire to get back on the bike, but as of yet don't have anywhere particular I want to go.
posted by troy at 12:28 PM on October 9, 2008

While it seems most of her reluctance originates from never being on the back of one

I doubt this is the case. I think that some people are thrill-seekers and some people just aren't, for whatever reason, and it's pretty hard-wired into us. For people that aren't thrill-seekers, it's very very difficult to understand why someone would voluntary do something dangerous for a thrill.

Having a spouse/partner that has a hobby with a real risk of dying is hard for non-thrill-seekers to accept, because it's easy to start feeling like you're not important enough for your spouse to try to stay alive for. All she can probably see is the risk, not the benefit (and honestly, she will probably never really understand what it is you get out of riding), and it's hard to understand why someone would voluntary take on that sort of risk if they didn't have to. Every time someone asks my boyfriend if he'll give up riding when he has kids, and he says yes, I want to punch him in the throat. Seriously, dying on the kids is wrong, but dying on me is a-okay? I mean, you might be fine with dying--obviously, your jokey title recognizes that this is a risk you're taking--but if you get smushed by a truck, you're not around to pick up the pieces and deal with the grief; she is. It's sucky to realize that your spouse would be okay putting you through that just so he can get his thrills, when you fundamentally don't have the temperament to appreciate thrill-seeking.

So, here's my list of what to do and not to do, from the perspective of a non-thrill-seeking killjoy partner:

1. Don't suggest she'd get it if she'd only start riding. Don't buy her a bike. If she's not a thrill-seeking, danger-loving sort of person, she's not. Trying to make her into one, and being disappointed when it doesn't work, will just add to the miserableness all around.

2. Definitely don't make jokes about dying while biking. If that's your defense mechanism for dealing with your own mortality, if that's how you show the world you're not scared of the risks of biking, whatever--don't do it to her face. All she probably hears is I don't particularly care if I die, because there's nothing in my life important enough to live for. Not a pleasant thing for her to listen to, day in and day out.

3. When you raise this with her, you'll probably be much more successful if you take the tack that life is full of risks, and we all decide to take on some of them in order to just keep living our lives. Otherwise, we'd all hide out in the closet all day, never venturing outside. Tell her you recognize there is a risk (and here's where you pull out those numbers that show that the risk is lower if you ride during the day, full-face helmet, etc) but that this is just one of those things that you're willing to accept risk on in order to live a full life. Stay away from the idea that the risk itself is the point; paint the risk as a sad and unavoidable consequence of doing something you love.

4. You should probably be prepared to deal with her questions about how you will safely operate a bike if you have severely limited use of one arm. Don't try to laugh this off or say that it's not a big deal--be prepared to tell her exactly what sort of modifications to your bike you're gonna get to make this safer, or classes you'll take, or whatever. Being realistic about how much riskier this makes it for you and laying out how you're trying to mitigate that risk will go pretty far in making her feel better, I bet.
posted by iminurmefi at 12:32 PM on October 9, 2008 [5 favorites]

I don't know if this is as common in England as it is in the U.S., but my boyfriend primarily rides on raceways and in racing classes (like Star School), where you must be wearing a full leather racing suit and an ambulance is on the premises. Yes, you can still get hurt, but I think it's safer than contending with cars and trucks on the road, and if people do stupid, unsafe things, they'll pull them off the track.

Since you seem to like to go fast, this might be a way for you to do that and to pacify your wife (who can attend the events with you).
posted by faunafrailty at 12:37 PM on October 9, 2008

I second the promise to take a course. Take it riding again seriously--in words and in actions. Remind her that in many ways, you have matured since you were the callow youth that was an unsafe rider. Make sure the guys you might end up riding with aren't utter boobs.

My husband did all of these things, and also took out a ridiculously healthy life insurance policy before I would let him get on the bike for the first time. That and his apparent love of riding has cut the anxiety for me a bit. Now I want a Spyder for myself. (http://spyder.brp.com/)
posted by thebrokedown at 1:16 PM on October 9, 2008

I've also got severely limited use of the arm
You do realize your left arm controls the clutch, horn, a turn signal, and a petcock on most bikes, right?

Seriously, I'm an almost-40 woman who rides motorcycles, and have done 0-60 in four seconds along the US coast on a bright, sunny day. I popped in here to help out, but after reading your question, I'm on your wife's side. If you were more willing to take her very reasonable concerns into account, more practical about your physical limitations, more recalcitrant about past inexperience, I'd say "Go for it!" But if you refuse to learn from your driving skills of the past, if you persist in romanticizing your injuries, and then lay the blame for this concern on your wife's lack of riding experience, then please stay off the bike before you hurt someone else.

If you come around, then by all means I second fritley's advice.
posted by cocoagirl at 1:34 PM on October 9, 2008 [5 favorites]

I'm not a fan of piling on, but
You haven't managed to convince me that it's a good idea for you to ride again, and I'm very much pro-biking.

But my wife, who knows the entire biking history - the riding, the parties, the accidents - isn't having it.

You need to convince her that this time it won't be about partying, and you really really need to give some thought to how your arm will affect your riding. That's your clutch arm. It's kind of important.

take a course or two [courses are fun! And actually worthwhile!], buy good gear, and swear that if you ever have a drop to drink you will make her come and pick you up.

I can see from the tone of your post that you view getting back on a bike as an inevitability, but just remember that it's not. And if you do get back on a bike, remember that falling back in with the same party-then-ride crew isn't an inevitability either.
posted by Acari at 1:40 PM on October 9, 2008

While it seems most of her reluctance originates from never being on the back of one, the phrase death machine has been introduced into our very civil discussions.

I think her reluctance is fairly fact-based. Every year in America car accidents kill 13 times the number of people who died in the September 11th attacks. Road safety is a sensible thing to be worried about compared to most things people worry about.

With that said:

You could make the argument that the accident figures are skewed because there are lots of young male bikers, a high-risk demographic even in cars; and because you are no longer a part of that demographic you could be expected to be safer.

Is your bike insurance lower than a 20-year-old's? Of course it is, and if anyone would know accident risk statistics it's insurance companies.

You could also say you wanted a bright yellow or orange bike, with matching jumpsuit and helmet; then you'd be safer than the average biker as you would be highly visible.

Or you could resolve to wear a high-visibility safety jacket while biking, then you'll look like a geek and lose all enthusiasm for biking - problem solved.
posted by Mike1024 at 1:50 PM on October 9, 2008

I ride a motorcycle and love it, and I believe motorcycles are far superior to cars as far as modes of personal transportation go. That being said...

What arguments can I put on the table to help my wife come around?

Absolutely nothing. If I were married to you, there is nothing you could say that would convince me this is a good idea, based on the history you've laid out in your question. This applies 10-fold if you have kids, which you didn't mention. Give up the ghost, pal.
posted by booknerd at 1:57 PM on October 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

I know several people who have ridden motorcycles for 20+ years without a single accident. You've had several. That's enough to prove to me that you should not be permitted to ride a motorcycle anymore. I'm not at all surprised that it sends the same message to your wife.

If my partially disabled, multiple-accident having husband told me that having a will and life insurance was sufficient to protect him, he'd soon find himself on the receiving end of a very expensive divorce.
posted by decathecting at 2:23 PM on October 9, 2008

If you're going to do this, do it smart this time around.

I'm 54 and got back into motorcycles this summer for the first time since I was a teenager.

Take motorcycle rider training (what the UK equivalent of the US MSF course is).

Buy and wear the gear.

If you're like a lot of people and think you don't need training, at the very least get David Hough's book, Proficient Motorcycling. Read it, learn it, live it.

My cup of tea is mostly tooling around under 50 miles per hour on country roads, and I am super careful. I can't even enjoy the landscape as much as when I'm driving my car since I'm looking for surface hazards, idiot drivers, and deer.

But man, it's fun nonetheless.

If my goal was to go fast, I'd simply do as faunafrailty suggested and buy a fast bike, full racing gear, train, and do track days. If it works in the UK like it does here, you could save some real money by buying a bike without a title and registration, and could really wind it out on the race track; probably with less potential danger than any kind of street or road riding.
posted by imjustsaying at 3:01 PM on October 9, 2008

Tell you what, I've found that jet skis are a pretty damn fine replacement. If you're a decent swimmer, I guess.

I've "wiped out" on both a motorcycle and a jetski. I don't ever intend on riding a motorcycle again, if I can help it.
posted by CitizenD at 3:36 PM on October 9, 2008

What booknerd said. There is no way you could convince me if I was your wife. Accidents = your track record stinks on ice. Sorry.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:02 PM on October 9, 2008

More piling on here.

From the details you gave, I'd almost guess that this was written by your wife in an attempt to get people to back her up. Either that or you're trying to get people to talk you out of doing this.
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 6:02 PM on October 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

I think that some people are thrill-seekers and some people just aren't, for whatever reason, and it's pretty hard-wired into us.

Allow me to temper this by saying that I know plenty of motorcycle riders who don't consider the very fact of riding to be a thrill-seeking adventure, just a preferred, beloved way to get around. I'm not saying that there's no thrill-seeking issue at all, but that the safety considerations (and the resultant ability to stay alive to enjoy another beautiful ride) modulate the WHOOOOOOEEEEEE! enough.

That said. Anonymous, you're calling yourself a cyborg, deeming your foot-long scar derived from a serious injury "awesome," and yearning to go 0-60 in 4 secs. I get that you're perhaps being a wee bit intentionally hyperbolic with the awesome scar and the cyborg talk, but dude, this is not the way to convince your wife that you care a whole lot about making sure your bike isn't a death machine.

Greater familiarity may help. For you. Maybe giving it a go as a very very careful biker? If you don't love it when you're riding down the coast in the absolute safest way, maybe you need to find a more controlled way to get your speed fix.
posted by desuetude at 9:32 PM on October 9, 2008

0 to 60 in four seconds is, for me, the definition of wreckless thrill-seeker. Your wife is only half right: for you, the bike is a short path to becoming a road smear.

If you insist on having your ill-considered way, get loads of insurance and a good will for when you kill yourself. And do her the favor of making sure the job gets done when you get there. Don't drag it out for years as a vegetable.
posted by jdfan at 10:49 AM on October 10, 2008