Collegial concern: going too far?

October 9, 2008 7:17 AM

Collegial concern: going too far? One of our workmates is so grossly overweight that we're fearful for him.

One of my workmates is possibly the fattest person I have ever known who can still walk.

This week he didn't turn up to work for several days in a row, and owing to a miscommunication, no one was aware that he had called in sick. Because of his extreme overweight, several of us were wondering whether he had a fall or a heart attack or some other misadventure related to his size. We were debating checking out his house when we managed to track him down and find out he was ok.

He is quite young and does not appear to have any immediate family or friends who might exert an influence.

Is there any way to broach our concern for his health and offer support that isn't over-reaching? Clearly, no one can be that big and unaware of the consequences, but it feels inhumane to say nothing.

posted by anonymous to human relations (51 comments total)

Don't be an ass. He knows he's fat, and is dealing with it however he sees fit - including not dealing with it at all, which is his right.
posted by restless_nomad at 7:21 AM on October 9, 2008 [18 favorites has favorites]

@restless_nomad

Would you say the same of an alcoholic or heroin addict colleague?
posted by Willie0248 at 7:23 AM on October 9, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

It's typical for my workplace to offer up incentives to stop smoking, eat healthy, become active, etc. A lot of times it can become a fun thing for an office to have a challenge to see who can lose the most weight or walk the most mile in a given period of time and keep a running chart. Initiatives like this are about the only thing that is appropriate in a workplace. If you are not close friends, you have earned no right to be judgemental about his personal choices. Think of it this way, would you feel it necessary to preach to someone at work who you knew was going to hell because they didn't believe what you did? Probably not, it's not appropriate for the workplace nor is it appropriate because of your relational level to the person. This is no different and you should not treat is as such. Encourage him to be involved in things that your office does as a group and make those things promote activity. That's the best influence you can be (whether it's effective or not is another story).
posted by genial at 7:25 AM on October 9, 2008

Yes, you are being nosy and should butt out. You are not his doctor and therefore have no way of knowing whether or not his weight is affecting his health. If he wants your opinion on his appearance, I'm sure he'll ask for it. Until then, there is absolutely no sense in which this is your business, and you should stop gossiping behind his back.
posted by decathecting at 7:26 AM on October 9, 2008

@Willie0248 Is there an argument that obesity causes a problem in the workplace? That it has extreme adverse and negative consequences on other people? Because obviously alcoholism and drug abuse would spill over into possible workplace violence and non-productivity. But I don't see how someone who is simply too fat is causing harm to anyone other than himself in a direct way. That's the difference.
posted by genial at 7:27 AM on October 9, 2008

I'm with restless_nomad here and in response to Willie0248 I say, well, it depends if they brought it up with me, and if it was affecting their performance/ the work environment.

I've worked with my share of alcoholics and junkies and some of them were so high funtioning you'd never know.

Now, if this person brought up their problem with booze, food, heroin I would offer whatever counsel I could to help. But giving this guy grief about being huge seems unkind. He may have a medical condition you are unaware of and doesn't want to talk about. My sister had terrible medical problems and was obese and I'm sure she didn't need to be reminded she was alreayd seeking 9 kinds of help and it took time to remedy her problems.

All that said, this is not to say you can't express, personally, in a one on one way concern about his health. ie "Hey John, we missed you last week, is everything allright?" "Are you feeling any better" "Anything I can help out with while you are under the weather".

Compassion is great and should be encouraged, but please be thoughtful.
posted by Ponderance at 7:30 AM on October 9, 2008 [5 favorites has favorites]

I'm probably as fat as the fattest person you have ever known who could still walk (or pretty close) and if my co-workers felt the need to express their concern for my health I would feel like punching them in the throat. I would probably nod and thank them for their concern and then grossly overeat because it's a coping mechanism for embarrassment, shame, pain, etc., that I'm quite familiar with. My health is between me and my doctor. Trust me, he knows he's fat, and the world will not let him go unaware how Very Very Bad that is.

If you MUST say something, consider telling him that you didn't hear he called in sick and you were quite worried about him, and ask if it's OK for you to call on him at home and check on him should a similar situation happen again.
posted by ferociouskitty at 7:32 AM on October 9, 2008 [39 favorites has favorites]

If you are close enough with someone to seek their advice about your own sensitive personal health matters, then you are close enough to engage in conversation with them about theirs. Given that your colleague was out for several days and nobody among your concerned workmates are close enough to have his cell phone number or actually call him personally, I'd guess you don't have a personal enough relationship with him to advise him on personal health matters.

If your relationship is a friendly but professional one, then your involvement in his life and choices is limited to how they affect his work.

If you are concerned that the guy doesn't have any friends, then become the guy's friend. But only as equals, if you find him interesting and engaging. Nobody wants to be your pity-friend or your personal project.
posted by headnsouth at 7:37 AM on October 9, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

If you MUST say something, consider telling him that you didn't hear he called in sick and you were quite worried about him, and ask if it's OK for you to call on him at home and check on him should a similar situation happen again.

QFT, and for the fact that most (including the OP) have ignored the real problem here. No, you shouldn't say anything about his weight; it's none of your business. but you still can be concerned about his health, which doesn't necessarily have anything to do with his weight. Remember, that any of you could have a fatal heart attack at any time, fat or not, and if someone apparently goes missing it's just good policy to check up on them.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:39 AM on October 9, 2008 [6 favorites has favorites]

This is an issue for his doctor, family and friends to address in a loving, constructive, tactful way. Work is work. Stay out of it.
posted by HotPatatta at 7:39 AM on October 9, 2008

Weight Watchers has a work series program. My employer offers it. If enough people in your office are interested in it, maybe he would become too.

Of course, he may also feel really defeated by his weight that it makes the environment more uncomfortable or, you know, it's entirely possible he's perfectly happy the way he is. Maybe he has a girlfriend/lover/partner who has a thing for heavy people --- maybe several. Maybe he has a medical problem that's affecting his ability to lose weight and causes him to gain weight.

The point is, it doesn't seem that you have enough information to know how he feels about his weight, and that would really be the indicator as to whether you or your office mates should try to approach him about this.
posted by zizzle at 7:42 AM on October 9, 2008

If you are close enough with someone to seek their advice about your own sensitive personal health matters, then you are close enough to engage in conversation with them about theirs.

I know you're saying the OP isn't in this position anyway, but I disagree with this. Just because someone feels comfortable asking me about their health doesn't mean they suddenly have the right to butt in about my own. I didn't make them ask me about anything. If someone did that, I would be supremely annoyed.
posted by Nattie at 7:49 AM on October 9, 2008

It's typical for my workplace to offer up incentives to stop smoking, eat healthy, become active

This. But it doesn't have to be a financial incentive. A health-positive work atmosphere is appropriate for everyone, not just him.

Is your work environment one of those places where everybody is munching on junk food and drinking sugared soda? If so, work to change it.

Perhaps you could start a healthy workplace initiative of some kind, whether a formal one throughout the company/department, or just an informal agreement among your closer work friends. Encourage everyone to bring a healthy lunch, instead of going for fast food. When you do go out for lunch as a group (assuming you do), make a pact to stick to healthy salads. If the company provides snacks or if there are vending machines, ask that there be healthy options. Go for walks instead of coffee/smoke breaks.

If mostly everyone is doing it, then maybe your large coworker will feel like joining in. Just make sure that no one (especially him) feels obligated or is made to feel guilty for not participating. And be sure that it's not obvious that your concern for him in particular was the incentive. Like what everyone said above, he already knows he's fat - he doesn't need people at work reminding him of that.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 7:50 AM on October 9, 2008

it's great that you worry about this dude, I would, too. but I don't think he's unaware of this situation, for the very practical reason that he has to drag all that fat around 24/7, 365 days a year. he knows he's huge. he either doesn't care, or can't lose the weight. let it go.
posted by matteo at 7:52 AM on October 9, 2008

What could you possibly say?

Have you noticed how big and fat you are?
Did you know it's unhealthy to be fat?
Have you considered losing some weight?

Does it seem realistic to think that the answer to any of those is 'No'?

What value could you possibly add to this person's life by doing this? Do you imagine this improving your relationship, or making for a more comfortable and productive workplace?

In short, No. There is no way you can do this. This is a pro-level discussion even the parties are married, and even then half the people who'd like to have the discussion never work up the nerve or diplomacy skills necessary to pull it off. It is totally inappropriate in the workplace.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 8:01 AM on October 9, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

Look at this version of the question:

"This week he didn't turn up to work for several days in a row, and owing to a miscommunication, no one was aware that he had called in sick. Several of us were wondering whether he had a fall or a heart attack or some other misadventure. We were debating checking out his house when we managed to track him down and find out he was ok.

He is quite young and does not appear to have any immediate family or friends.

Is there any way to broach our concern for his health and offer support that isn't over-reaching?"

If that were the question? Then I'd say yes, certainly, make sure the company collects emergency contact information and has a plan for using it. Beyond that - well, he did call in, so it's really not his problem that y'all freaked out, but having that plan is a good idea.
posted by restless_nomad at 8:01 AM on October 9, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Nattie: Just because someone feels comfortable asking me about their health doesn't mean they suddenly have the right to butt in about my own.

I meant that only if you're really good friends should you even consider the possibility of bringing up someone's personal health ... but you're right Nattie, there are a lot of people who are happy to share intimate personal details about their own health & life in inappropriate settings (like work), so if the OP/workmates are like that, then my advice wouldn't stop them.

In short, MYOB, OP.
posted by headnsouth at 8:03 AM on October 9, 2008

Seriously, he knows he's obese, and he knows it's affecting his health. Try leaving your assumptions about the cause of his health out of the equation, and expressing genuine concern. I've had colleagues forget to call in, and we've contacted them promptly.

It's hard to keep your mouth shut when you see someone with severe obesity and diabetes eat a high-fat, high-sugar, over-caloried meal, just as it's hard to see colleagues smoke, even when they have lung trouble. Most obesity is caused by too much food/ too little exercise. But he may have circumstances that you don't know about, and it's kinder to nip your assumptions in the bud.
posted by theora55 at 8:09 AM on October 9, 2008

he did call in, so it's really not his problem that y'all freaked out, but having that plan is a good idea.

No, it doesn't seem that he did. He didn't call in, his coworkers tracked him down (which implies they found a way to get in contact with him.)

I agree with others who say you encourage your company to encourage healthy behavior (if other people are interested and it's not just targeted at him!) And let him know you were worried when he didn't call in and make sure someone has his contact info.

Beyond that, he knows about his obesity and nothing you could say there would help.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 8:12 AM on October 9, 2008

One of my workmates is possibly the fattest person I have ever known who can still walk.

And you can bet that he knows it and is intimately familiar with how unhealthy his weight is. There's no need for you to tell him, it won't make him feel any better or motivate him any.

Most obesity may be caused by too much food and/or too little exercise, but pointing it out to them is not going to magically change their life habits.

I've always thought that a person of the appropriate sex may be able to provide motivation and support, but then again I don't recall ever meeting anyone who actually wanted to help instead of just telling me I'm fat.
posted by splice at 8:17 AM on October 9, 2008

DO NOT discuss his weight with him as it is none of your business. Also, it is highly unlikely that this person would participate in workplace weight watchers or any of the other incentive programs you are all so helpfully suggesting. Can you imagine how it might be for him to know that everyone is watching him? Counting every success and failure.

Butt out.
posted by Sophie1 at 8:19 AM on October 9, 2008

No, it doesn't seem that he did. He didn't call in, his coworkers tracked him down

Solon, read the post please:

owing to a miscommunication, no one was aware that he had called in sick

He had called in sick. The message wasn't spread and some people were not aware. Hardly the guy's fault.
posted by splice at 8:19 AM on October 9, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

he did call in, so it's really not his problem that y'all freaked out, but having that plan is a good idea.

No, it doesn't seem that he did. He didn't call in, his coworkers tracked him down (which implies they found a way to get in contact with him.)

maybe. Or maybe whoever took the call didn't mention it. A miscommunication doesn't mean the guy was irresponsible.
posted by liketitanic at 8:22 AM on October 9, 2008

What you need to realize is how strong an effect genetics has on how disposed you are to be obese or fat. We've all seen people who can eat just about anything they want and never put on any weight. There have been plenty of studies that showed just how strongly obesity is inherited: for example, this study done by British researchers and published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition which found that waist circumference was 77 % heritable. So really you're just judging someone who in all probability is trying really hard to lose weight and knows perfectly well that he's fat. I really don't understand this urge people have to tell fat people they're fat. Believe me, they're aware of it! I'm pretty sure he knows about the consequences as well. You wouldn't think to start warning someone who has skin cancer about the negative consequences, so why would you for obesity? The major reason seems to be that people think extremely obese people can just snap to it and lose weight -- which is simply not true -- and that their problem is self-induced, something with as clear a causal link as cigarette smoking causes cancer. Overeating causes obesity. Again, just not true.
But this doesn't mean that you can't be concerned about him, in fact I'm sure he'd appreciate it if you checked in on him.
posted by peacheater at 8:26 AM on October 9, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Would you say the same of an alcoholic or heroin addict colleague?

If a) it wasn't affecting their work performance (unlikely, especially for the heroin addict) and b) they weren't a danger to anyone else (e.g., the alcoholic isn't driving drunk), then absolutely I would say MYOB.

And I agree 100% with PhoBWanKenobi. If any of your work colleagues doesn't show up for several days without apparent explanation, you should check up on them, regardless of their health problems or lack thereof.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:35 AM on October 9, 2008

but it feels inhumane to say nothing
It would strike me as inhumane to state the obvious. He knows he is overwieght and unless he is clueless, knows he has health risks.

Sure, it could be genetic. Or maybe he just eats too much/moves too little. Or whatever. Or maybe he became very overweight (as several people I have known did) as a result of overeating and staying at home alone and sedentary to try to cope with something really, really nasty that happened to them. In light of that, it seems far from humane to bring it up.
posted by pointystick at 8:41 AM on October 9, 2008

Speaking as an overweight individual, I would be incredibly insulted if a co-worker came to me and talked to me about my weight in a "you need to lose weight for your health" kind of way. No duh I do. Your saying it is INCREDIBLY patronizing, rude, and completely inappropriate.

You have no idea why they are the way they are, you have no idea if they are seeing someone about it, you have no idea whether they are addressing it, and to assume that they are somehow completely unaware of their weight and the health implications is to imply that your co-worker is a complete idiot and entirely out of touch with reality.

No fat person needs anyone to tell them that they are overweight and unhealthy. Trust me. We know.
posted by gwenlister at 8:51 AM on October 9, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

If everyone else in your office wore their problems prominently on the outside, would it be humane to point out to all of them what's already obvious?
posted by gnomeloaf at 8:56 AM on October 9, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

It's been said a dozen times already, but it should be said again: He knows he's fat. He knows his weight is unhealthy. Chances are good he's terribly unhappy about it. He's probably reminded of his weight every time he turns on the TV or climbs stairs or gets sweaty in mild weather or has to shop for clothes or groceries or leave the house for any reason at all.

Weight is a seriously touchy subject for many if not most people, whether they're 10 pounds overweight or 100, and you would do best to stay out of it.

On the other hand, calling to check in on someone (anyone) who calls in sick, especially if they're out for more than a day, is a good idea and a kind gesture. My bosses have called to check in when I've taken sick days, and at the very least it's convenient because you can let them know you're feeling really grody and will probably need tomorrow off too, as opposed to setting your alarm for 6:30 and leaving a garbled miserable "ugggggh I'm still sick" message on their voicemail the next day.
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:00 AM on October 9, 2008

Let me add this: If you start a "healthy workplace initiative" for his benefit, he will know it's about him. Do not do this. Do not start a weight-loss contest at work either.
posted by purpleclover at 9:30 AM on October 9, 2008

Asking him if he's okay, health-wise, and if there's anything you can do to help is pretty low-key, and as a fat person I'd personally be all right with a question like that if I'd just missed work for several days and folks had been worried about me.

ferociouskitty has a good point in seeing whether or not you can make a closer bond by asking if you can check in on him when you're worried, but only if you're really interested in forming a friendly relationship with him.

And, if you are indeed interested in becoming friendly, perhaps he'd be interested in joining you for walks, swims, or other activities requiring some movement. Having along a non-fat person who isn't embarrassed by one's weight and how odd one may look while getting movement can be a valuable incentive.

Just don't be surprised if he's become so defensive regarding his reality that he snaps at you or rejects your offers of help. Fat is often a shield put up by people who aren't comfortable with the world and how it works. And, for some, it's a silent but obvious protest against the expectations of the status quo. Those are the folks who need therapy more than they need a concerned work friend.

Unlike some other overweight folks, I believe it's okay for a society and the individuals therein to want to be part of the solution. In fact, I think it's the only thing that'll help us become healthy and stay that way. Intervention isn't always bad if it's handled calmly, compassionately, and respectfully.
posted by batmonkey at 10:02 AM on October 9, 2008

If you think he "does not appear to have any immediate family or friends", then forget the weight issue; that's not a cause, it's a symptom.

Find out more about _him_. Talk about _him_. What's really important about him? Does he read interesting books? Listen to interesting music? Come from an interesting place? This is how you make friends.

If he's just mean all the time, that's another issue. But you can start by learning more about him, and telling him about yourself.

Maybe you've already tried, or your co-workers have. It's not clear from the question, which makes sense. But if you really feel moved to do something, then help make some connections between him and the rest of the world, starting with you. Be discreet, be sure you understand your own motivations, be open to changing your motivations as you learn more about him.

Don't start "project make friends" with you and your co-workers; just apply your brain to the interesting problem of figuring him out and finding the fun parts.
posted by amtho at 10:04 AM on October 9, 2008

Do not start by inviting him for a swim or some other transparently-fitness-related activity unless _he_ says he likes swimming. Otherwise, it's you talking to him because you want to change him. That's no good for you, and he'll pick up on it and he probably won't like it either.
posted by amtho at 10:06 AM on October 9, 2008

Seconding Metroid Baby on the checking on people in general and offering support to anyone who needs it. Anyone can fall down the stairs and break a leg. That's not something confined to fat people.

I have a colleague who didn't show up for work one day and we were concerned enough to call him and make sure he was okay and that had nothing to do with the state of his health...it was enough that he was missing and no one knew why. (Turns out he'd called in and the secretary hadn't told anyone.)

I was also the scarily-overweight one at one point and I shudder to think that people were thinking this way about me. Listen to the people who say it's not your place. If his health precludes him from doing his job then his manager has to deal with that in the same way they would deal with anyone. Aside from that, leave him alone.
posted by cabingirl at 10:06 AM on October 9, 2008

You could start by not treating this guy as a problem to be solved but as a human.

Friends get to talk to each other frankly and express concern for each other in sometimes-intrusive way because they are friends first. My friends can talk to me in ways that coworkers can't because they've earned my trust over time, by being there for or with me during intense periods of my life or their lives.

I've earned the right to say certain things to my friends by being there for and with them during intense periods in their lives.

If my coworkers started trying to "fix" me, I'd view it as an unbelievably presumptuous act on their part: I mean, these people work with me, they're not my friends, they don't know anything about me outside work, and they're trying to "help" me with my life? Whatever.
posted by scrump at 10:13 AM on October 9, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Personally, I was always a little bothered that everyone assumed I wasn't interested in activities like hiking and going swimming just because I was fat - or they assumed they wouldn't want me along, which is the impetus behind my suggestion. I love activity, but I get tired of the abuse from people who see me doing my thing and think I need to hear their insults because they're uncomfortable having fat people around.

Being overweight is both a cause and symptom of social isolation. amtho's suggestion of doing the normal things one does when making friends is, of course, excellent. That's what I was hoping to indicate with the encouragement to first figure out if you want to be friends, but amtho put it much better.

The friend who offered that I go hiking with her endeared herself to me, because she didn't assume that my weight meant I was incapable or disinterested. She offered just like she'd offered the fit people, and it meant the world to me. He may feel the same, or he may be defensive and freaked out. We're all different.
posted by batmonkey at 10:16 AM on October 9, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Being overweight does not mean he is in any well unwell. Being obese may increase his risk of certain diseases but it doesn't mean he's definately got heart disease, high blood pressure and diabetes, it just means he's fat. Your concerns about his health are very misguided, he could live the rest of his life without ever being ill. If a smoker calls in sick do you all run around to his house to check he hasn't got lung cancer?

Both my parents are obese and have been for several decades, they are both in perfect health (they're approaching their 60s now and the knees are starting to show the strain but other than that they're fine). My dad is very fit active (he's a volunteer ranger and walks a lot - sometimes up to 12 miles in a day) but he loves food and can't give up the cakes and fry ups. His mum was also very fat and she lived well into her 70s, essentially she died of old age.

Its his life, his health and his body. It is none of your business.
posted by missmagenta at 10:28 AM on October 9, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

My initial reaction was "butt out." (Which has an unfortunate dimension here, but never mind that.) And I am totally unmoved by workplace-related concerns, unless you are management or have a very keen understanding of how workplace rules affecting you have been infringed.

At the same time, I completely understand why you think it may be inhumane to say nothing. The "none of your business" thing supports a kind of passivity and head-in-the-sand behavior that I think is, ultimately, inhumane; the flip side of people meddling in one another's business is that they are capable of expressing concern and rendering assistance to one another in ways that are now often unattainable. It's all well and good to differentiate between the kind of inquiries that a friend can make and those a mere co-worker can make, but that is an elaborate and formal construct for dealing with something of this nature . . . as opposed to, say, whether a particular color is flattering. And the particular problem here is that the issue may be a barrier to this individual forming friendships, if his self-esteem or social desirability is impaired.

For me, the reason I eventually revert to "butt out" is because there's nothing you really can do that would be helpful at this point in your relationship. What are you going to do, helpfully offer the number for Weight Watchers? Even if you have a good idea, it almost certainly can't be broached in a way that isn't resented. So I think the most you can do is try to build a relationship with this person; it might actually be most helpful if you never, ever mentioned the subject of weight even then.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 10:59 AM on October 9, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

... owing to a miscommunication, no one was aware that he had called in sick. ... We were debating checking out his house when we managed to track him down and find out he was ok.

Yes, it would be OK to call him up or drop by to see how he's doing. You'd do that for most people that you're friends with at work, right?

Because of his extreme overweight, several of us were wondering whether he had a fall or a heart attack or some other misadventure related to his size.

Not a great assumption. People call in sick for all sorts of reason, be they real illnesses or fake ones.

He could be ill with something completely unrelated to his being obese: excruciating toothache, appendicitis, food poisoning, brain cancer, etc.

He could be feigning illness to get some time off. Maybe he won a bit of money, decided to party it up in Vegas. Maybe an out-of-town family member died and he's going to the funeral, but didn't want to deal with the "Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss" stuff when he returns to work.

Clearly, no one can be that big and unaware of the consequences, but it feels inhumane to say nothing.

You know that he knows that he's fat. That last part makes it sound like you want to soothe your conscience more than you want to make him aware of his patently obvious condition. Work through your issues on your own.
posted by CKmtl at 11:03 AM on October 9, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

The "none of your business" thing supports a kind of passivity and head-in-the-sand behavior that I think is, ultimately, inhumane

I don't see how minding your own business in this scenario could possibly be consider 'inhumane', if he really is as fat as they say, then he's definitely aware of his 'problem' and theres no way in today's society that he could be unaware of the risks of obesity. Its not like they're withholding some information thats vital to his survival, they would just be point out something he already knows and making his worklife even more uncomfortable than it already is.
posted by missmagenta at 11:07 AM on October 9, 2008

I don't see how minding your own business in this scenario could possibly be consider 'inhumane', if he really is as fat as they say, then he's definitely aware of his 'problem' and theres no way in today's society that he could be unaware of the risks of obesity. Its not like they're withholding some information thats vital to his survival, they would just be point out something he already knows and making his worklife even more uncomfortable than it already is.

The point isn't that he needs to be told that he's fat or what the risks are. I may be dirt-poor and profit little from the mere fact that someone says, "Say, Clyde, I see you're driving a piece-of-shit sedan to work, from which I reckon you must not have two nickels to rub together. Aren't you aware that those pollute the environment and pose a safety hazard, too?" However, if someone indirectly and diplomatically acknowledges my circumstances by expressing sympathy or understanding -- or giving me a lead on a cheap substitute, which implicitly requires recognizing my need -- it can make a difference. I firmly believe we are so afraid of giving offense that we too often eschew "meddling" that has a much bigger upside.

As I said, I happen to think that the OP may have little to say here other than a variant on "I couldn't help but notice you're a little overweight . . ." But I believe there are often ways to build bridges to others that are more subtle, and that at some level involve recognizing an issue that may in some sense not be one's business. I tried to make that point.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 11:23 AM on October 9, 2008

We dealt with this situation in my workplace (a health care facility no less). The issue was a person whom we all loved dearly whose weight really was getting in the way of her job (lifting/positioning patients, squeezing into exam rooms, stocking shelves -- nursing when you think about it is a pretty physical job). Of course we were also very concerned about her. But we had a compelling reason why we *had* to bring up the obesity issue. I will tell you it was extremely, extremely touchy. Discussions were held at very high levels in our organization and involved a lawyer.

I am just telling you this because bringing up a person's weight isn't just socially awkward and tacky, it's not just that it won't lead to his losing weight any more than he's probably already trying, it is potentially *illegal.* If it comes up, it *has* to be about his ability to do his job, and it *has* to be within the context of what reasonable accomdation the employer can make for him to continue to do his job.

If you are really really concerned about his well being, be his friend (as others have said). If it is appropriate to bring it up in the context of friendship you will know and you won't have to ask a bunch of anonymous strangers what to do.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 11:42 AM on October 9, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

PS. This woman died of a sudden heart attack about 30 minutes after work one day. I was broken hearted but I took solace knowing that she continued to work in a job she loved until the day she died and she didn't feel unloved or harrassed in the slightest. Hundreds of patients came to her funeral. I haven't regretted doing more to nag her into losing weight because seriously, what could I have done that would have made her life better?
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 11:46 AM on October 9, 2008

He had called in sick. The message wasn't spread and some people were not aware. Hardly the guy's fault.

I somehow completely missed that. My apologies!

(BTW, in regards to: A miscommunication doesn't mean the guy was irresponsible. I didn't mean to imply that he was - there are a lot of legimiate reasons someone might not be able to call in. I was just trying to say that the coworkers aren't automatically jerks or anything for being concerned for him if there was a miscommunication. This is all irrelevant now, of course.)
posted by Solon and Thanks at 12:00 PM on October 9, 2008

Posting comment for a friend:

It is a very rare thing to have friends awesome enough to help out a friend that has no-body. Just respectively let him know that you are willing to help him in any way you can. Ask him to work with you and suggst something that he's willing to do.
posted by drleary at 12:01 PM on October 9, 2008

Slarty's comments are much better informed than mine. Conceding that, I disagree with them, while continuing to be at a loss as to how the OP's intervention can help in this case.

1. As to the legal issue, there is a key distinction between the behavior of a co-worker and a supervisor. It is true (I think) that some courts have recognized the possibility of a hostile work environment based on disability, in which co-workers could be complicit, but I seriously doubt a well-meaning inquiry raises any risk of liability. Indeed, the possibility of workplace accommodation should be discussed with this individual, if he is morbidly obese.

2. As to whether "If it is appropriate to bring it up in the context of friendship you will know and you won't have to ask a bunch of anonymous strangers what to do," I suggest that there are countless AskMe posts suggesting to the contrary.

3. As to the P.S., query whether this demonstrates that bringing up the obesity issue *can* be done in such a way as to be consistent with a welcoming atmosphere. As to the funeral, well, fat lot of good that did her.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 12:03 PM on October 9, 2008

What you're doing, frankly, is called concern trolling.

You don't know this guy well enough to have his home number, but you're sooo concerned for his health? I mean, do you ask everyone at work if they wear their safety belt and eat their veggies? Do you intervene when people try to have drinks during happy hour? I didn't imagine so.

You should question what your real motives are in talking to this person about something he quite obviously is aware of.
posted by lacedback at 1:02 PM on October 9, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

i am grossly overweight. i have been told by coworkers that i am too fat. not presented in a way indicating i was too fat to do the job, or too fat to be healthy, or whatever, just that i was too fat. and that was the day i started looking for a new job.

us massively obese people know we're massively obese. we know all about heart attacks and cholesterol and we know how one is supposed to go about losing weight. we know that other people wish we would lose weight. we know.

frankly, if one of my "well meaning" coworkers came up to me and said i was so fat that they were worried for my health and i needed to lose weight, i would be furious and embarassed and enraged. i would try to shrug it off and then i would go to the bathroom and seeth about how i should have ripped them a new asshole for being so socially incompetent.

if this guy were your friend, it might be your place to bring up his health. as it is he is your coworker, whose home number you didn't even have. not your place. leave the guy alone. do you really want to make him hate you?
posted by misanthropicsarah at 1:22 PM on October 9, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Do you have any smokers in your office? Have you informed them of the risks? If not, why not? Is it inhumane not to say anything to the smokers? Is saying something respectful of their personal decision (assuming they are not smoking in your space)?

Why would obesity be any different?

(Unlike some other posters who have self-identified as overweight, I am not, and I only say this in case you are thinking "of course the fat people are offended." I would also be offended if anyone other than my spouse pointed out a health concern.)
posted by desjardins at 1:39 PM on October 9, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

followup from the OP

Apropos the miscommunication: to clarify, he told one person that he would be away and that person forgot to tell everyone else, then went away themselves. Thus to everyone else in the company, it appeared that he was mysteriously absent.

To clarify further, this is a reasonably social workplace and the colleague/friend boundary is blurry. I should have explicitly said that.

@lacedbark, misanthropicsarah: we do have his home number, and we did call it. There was no response. He has no cellphone.

In general, thank you. Our motives are pure, and it is precisely because we can't think of an appropriate way to broach this that I asked here. It seems like generic friendly overtures are about as much as anyone can/should do.

posted by jessamyn at 2:49 PM on October 9, 2008

Seeing other people be so flinchy helps me to rewire my own flinchiness.

I'm glad you asked this question, OP. It is my belief that you're good people, and I wish more folks like you were around.
posted by batmonkey at 6:05 PM on October 9, 2008