What can I expect at my first Al-Anon meeting?

October 8, 2008 5:54 PM

What can I expect at my first Al-Anon meeting?

I'm gearing up to go to an Al-Anon meeting, and I always feel better going into emotionally stressful situations if I have some idea what to expect.

I guess it's entirely possible that these things vary so much from group to group that maybe no one can tell me what to expect. But any input from someone who's been there would really be helpful. What is a meeting going to be like? Will I be expected to do/say anything as the newcomer? Is anyone going to ask or care about me being completely non-religious, or can I sit around and quietly interpret any "higher power" references in my own non-religious fashion?

If it helps anyone to answer, I am concerned about a long-term partner's drinking, and will be attending a general meeting, not one specifically geared to newcomers. I am not at all convinced that Al-Anon is something I would want to be part of, but it seems like something I ought to at least try.

posted by anonymous to grab bag (8 comments total)

Will I be expected to do/say anything as the newcomer?

No, you can simply sit back and observe/listen if you wish.

Is anyone going to ask or care about me being completely non-religious, or can I sit around and quietly interpret any "higher power" references in my own non-religious fashion?

No one will ask.
posted by amyms at 6:13 PM on October 8, 2008

I should add: Good for you for doing something proactive for you. Al-Anon is about finding support and strength for yourself, regardless of whether your loved one ever quits drinking or not.

At most meetings, you'll be greeted informally upon arrival while everyone is milling around and getting settled, but no one will ask you any probing questions. If they do, and/or if anyone treats you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, then you've found a bad group and I would encourage you to try a different one.
posted by amyms at 6:19 PM on October 8, 2008

I attended Al-Anon for a few months to cope with my now-ex's gambling and other issues. I found it very helpful. As you said, they all vary so much there is no way to give a definitive answer, but my understanding is they do try to follow the same guidelines. In my case, it was a small group of about 10 people, and I felt no pressure at all to do anything other than listen. And although the words of others really hit home with me, I didn't get any sense that they were "putting on a show" for me.

Everyone was very welcoming and kind, and I don't recall any time feeling uncomfortable. Although I was doing a lot of reading and was in therapy, Al-Anon was probably the element that gave me the most insight insight into learning how to understand that I could not control the behavior of anyone else, and realizing how the other person's behavior has affected me.

The most difficult part of Al-Anon (in my experience, anyway) was that it did not let me focus on the other person; the idea is that I have to solve my problem and control my behavior. This can be difficult when you are in the habit of focusing on the behavior of someone else, and blaming them for all your problems.

On the religious angle: having attended Christian churches for years, I'm comfortable with religious discussions, and there was certainly a good amount of it, which is to be expected. However, none of it came across as proselytizing or self-righteous in any way. Again, they all vary, but the whole point is to be as welcoming as possible.

When I came to the point where I felt I had gotten all I could from Al-Anon, I didn't feel any pressure to keep coming longer than I wanted, and the coworker who invited me and attended with me didn't imply I was facing doom by not attending. Some people attend all their lives, and others attend short term.

On a practical note, here's how my meetings went: We met in a church basement. On entering the room, there was coffee and snacks, and people mingled and introduced themselves. No prying or anything uncomfortable at all. During the meeting, the leader welcomed everyone, and had us introduce ourselves around the table if we wanted. It was clear you could just say hello without even saying your name. After some announcements, there was a reading from an Al-Anon book and everyone was invited to give their thoughts on it. Again, zero pressure to participate. Some people shared very personal things, others said nothing, but everyone seemed to be equally welcome and valued.

I do recommend it. Attend a few times, and if you are not comfortable, try another group. Like any group of people, you'll fit in with some better than others.

Good luck.
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 6:32 PM on October 8, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

What is a meeting going to be like?
Each meeting differs from the next, even from one week to to the next, though each group does tend to have its own personality; if you are not comfortable at the one you attend, you might want to try another. Like gas stations, bartenders, mother-in-laws, whatever else, some AlAnon meetings are great, some not so great. Shop around. Though some discomfort is normal at any group you'll attend, given the nature of what you're dealing with. A good group will be quite comfortable, perhaps comforting.

Will I be expected to do/say anything as the newcomer?
Unless the people at the meeting you attend are running a bad meeting, you will be welcomed, probably asked your first name. If you don't wish to tell anyone your name, tell them your name is Mildred, whatever, or just tell them you'd rather not say; it is after all an anonymous fellowship. You might be asked if you have anything you'd like to say, perhaps at the end of the meeting, when you'd be more comfortable doing so, after you've got a lay of the land.

Is anyone going to ask or care about me being completely non-religious, or can I sit around and quietly interpret any "higher power" references in my own non-religious fashion?
I live in Austin, and though we sometimes forget it, Austin is in Texas, and there are some very religious people running around, and sometimes that will bleed into an AlAnon group that is not adhering to the traditions which most groups strive toward. Regardless what anyone at any group says, you absolutely can (and certainly will, regardless what anyone may say or want you to say) have your own perspective on god or alcoholism or love or partnership or anything else.

I've found that AlAnon tends to have more women in attendance than men; this will differ from group to group, to be sure. One group that I know of here in Austin consistently has more men in attendance, but that is not the norm, from what I have seen. Women or men, gay or straight, black or white, whatever else, attending AlAnon meetings can be really comforting, hearing others tell their story of living with alcoholism can create a bond and an understanding which which cuts across social strata or race or gender preference.

Go with an understanding that they really do wish to help you, and sometimes will go to spectacular lengths to demonstrate this. This also: You might find them bursting into laughter over deadly serious issues, and, strangely, you might find yourself laughing along with them. This can seem surreal, given the serious nature of what is involved, but when in a room filled with others who've walked the same road you're walking you'll soon see that no one is laughing at anyone but rather with one another, at life itself. Laughter is tremendously healing, and often lacking in a home or living situation stressed by heavy drinking or drugging activities.

My hope for you is that you'll find a warm and accepting group of understanding and compassionate people -- I certainly have found much of that.

Good luck.

Peace.
posted by dancestoblue at 6:44 PM on October 8, 2008

If you're a non-smoker, you might want to be sure you are going to a non-smoking meeting. Otherwise, you are likely to be sitting in a very smoke filled room.

I went to a meeting once with a friend who is an alcoholic. I introduced myself by saying "My name is Allstar and I'm here with a friend," when the introductions got around to me in the room. That was the only thing I said during the meeting, I just sat back and listened.
posted by All.star at 7:13 PM on October 8, 2008

Emphasis on trying more than one group. The one I went to the median age was about 30 years older than me and that was difficult to relate to. The book they read out of is really helpful and the message of caring for yourself is very worthwhile. Unless you're in an inappropriate group, religion will not be a big problem unless you get easily offended by others talking about their religious strategies of coping.
posted by CwgrlUp at 7:53 PM on October 8, 2008

In general, nothing really happens in meetings and nobody cares who you are. If you want support, you can ask for it and you may or may not get it. Phone numbers are usually readily given, again, if you ask. Think spiritual not religious and if the god word concerns you, realize none ever protheltizes their religion in a meeting. The focus, as noted above is finding the strength to change your own behavior when dealing with someone else's addiction. More than often the meetings are filled with laughter. Feel free to join in.
posted by Xurando at 8:02 PM on October 8, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

"can I sit around and quietly interpret any "higher power" references in my own non-religious fashion?"

As one wise long time AA member told me once "Your higher power can be anything you want it to be, even a fence post, as long as you have one."

Most of the meeting I attended were small since I tend to live in small towns so most of us knew each other before. Go with an open mind and listen with an open heart. Good luck!
posted by bjgeiger at 10:09 PM on October 8, 2008