NSFW: How do I feel comfortable with new partners?
October 8, 2008 9:35 AM Subscribe
NSFW: Extreme nervousness or anxiety makes it very difficult to become intimate with new partners please help!
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (15 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
Please bear with me as this will be kind of long.
I am a 24 year old, single male who has mostly been in long term relationships for most of my life. After some introspection I believe that one of the reasons why I stay in long term relationships is because I am afraid or nervous to go out there and start dating because I find it difficult to form physical connections with new people though I am a very sexual person myself once I am comfortable enough.
This is the problem in more detail: When I first meet someone I am often good at the dating part, meeting them talking to them, making out and everything else but when things go into the bedroom even if (to put it mildly) I am extremely excited as soon as I reach for a condom and try to put it in.. I lose my erection....This happens I believe with 7 out of 10 new partners.....with some people I just seem to "click" and never have had any issues.
More information about my sexual history:
I lost my virginity with my first girlfriend when I was 17 but only after numerous attempts (it took us about a month of trying). Once we started having sex however it would be the norm to do it several times in one session. When i broke up with her there was a period of about a year where I was single and i had sex with six people....3 of those people I had the same issue it would take me a long time to feel comfortable while I must say that with the other 3 I more or less felt comfortable right from the get-go.
After that I went into another long term relationship for which it also took me a couple of months to become comfortable sexually but once I became comfortable I became my regular horny self and would have sex all the time.
I did not grow up in a very conservative household so I know this doesnt come from my parents. Sex was talked about very openly in our house and was encouraged from an early age (believe it or not) as long as we protected ourselves (yet both me and my brother waited at least till we were 17 to do it).
I however was very spiritual for most of my life and explored a myriad of christian religions from catholic, to Jehova's witness, to mormom, to 7th day adventist at least for 2 or 3 years each. I figured this might be one of the reasons why I behave like this but it has been 7 years since I was seriously religious and my brain is completely comfortable with my current relationship with God (pretty much a prayer here in there but no church involvement of any kind)
How does this affect me?
I feel that sometime I date people for longer than I should because I really dont feel that I have really gotten to know someone until we become physical...however if this takes 2 or 3 months I feel that for some people is too long to wait and in some occasions some people dont understand or dont think I am attracted to them (though many woman kinda like the fact that I am not just with them to get some "ass")...I also always fantasize about having the freedom of one day coming home with someone after a really good first or second date but at the current time I am unable.........
I tried consulting a psychologist who after seeing that there was nothing physically wrong with me prescribed viagra.....which I noticed does not work...unless I am comfortable with the person which brings me back to square one
I just go out of my second long term relationship and back out in the dating world and would like to make the best of it this time around...Do you guys have any advice? Any of you have had similar issues?