I wanna go home! *follow follow* I wanna go home! "Uh, why are you following me?"

October 7, 2008 11:36 PM

Bipolar force of gravity - how to stop shaking and feeling like I got to run away, or feeling like I got to be someone all the time

Sometimes when I'm conversing with friends or acquaintances, I get the sudden feeling to just run away and get away from the talking scene. Just leave without saying a word and go home. I'm not sure why. It doesn't happen as often with family and close friends, but it still happens with them, nevertheless.

Usually the feeling is accomplished with a sudden rush of exasperation and maybe some nervous shaking. The nervous shaking doesn't surprise me, since I always was nervous and shy since childhood, and my friends or colleagues would often crack me up enough for the shaking to go away. It's the run-away feeling that bothers me.

What stinks is that it can happen even in interesting conversations, ones that I love to talk more about and gain a deeper understanding of. It's like my mind is divided in half: one loves the subject and talks about it, the other wants to curl up by herself and shut up.

What double stinks, though, is sometimes I get the opposite: I want to be someone, tag along, and never go home, ignoring the fact that hey, people have private lives too. It's like the tag-along kid habit. There were occasions where I almost followed my friends or my brother into the bathroom, like I don't want to leave them alone.

In this case, my mind acts differently: One side says, "Ok, c'mon, homework time." The other says, "No, I wanna be with my fwiends *whine whine whine*!" This condition worsens the more interesting a conversation or a hangout with friends gets to be.

So what could be behind this? Some obsessive-compulsive symptom (I admit I am somewhat OC, though not officially diagnosed)? Social anxiety? Desire for social interaction? ???

posted by curagea to human relations (7 comments total)

Have you read “The Divided Self” by Lang? I’m just a book nerd, but your comment “it's like my mind is divided in half” reminded me of it.

In it Lang talks about ontological (the conceptions of reality and the nature of being) insecurity.

This includes engulfment. A person with a fear of engulfment often feels anxious when someone wants something from him or her -- it activates a feeling of terror of losing oneself and so they automatically resist. A flight response, if you like, which typically results in fleeing. Also, one of the physical symptoms of a flight response to anxiety -- be it ontological or social -- is trembling and shaking.

Aside from engulfment and social anxiety, other considerations for you to explore for the source of your unpleasant feelings could include the amount of caffeine you consume, and a temporarily heightened but healthy awareness of the metaphorical angel on your shoulder.

Good luck in finding the peace to stand still, it took me a while to find it, too.
posted by elke at 12:03 AM on October 8, 2008

To me your symptoms sound like an anxiety disorder. I used to have it before I saw a nice therapist and we worked through a bunch of exercises together (like journal keeping and talking) until we unlocked the broken bit of logic that was leading to the anxiety.

Somewhere in the region of 10% of the population are thought to suffer from this. That's 685 million of us at last count all pretending that we're coming down with flu to avoid situations that make us anxious.

See if you can get a recommendation for a therapist from a friend and if not, just shop around until you find one you're comfortable with. This is something that shouldn't involve long term therapy. In my case it was a 16 week course of 45 minute sessions weekly on the UK National Health Service. Also some (atheist in my case) daily meditation did wonders for lowering my anxiety levels so it was harder to get anxious.

Good luck. You WILL get rid of this.
And feel free to memail me if you have more questions.
posted by merocet at 7:13 AM on October 8, 2008

The "run away" really sounds like an anxiety attack. The over-attachment sounds like bipolar intensity; you're so engaged in the conversation/relationship, you can't pause it. Meditation is likely to help, medication is likely to help.
posted by theora55 at 9:35 AM on October 8, 2008

That does sound like anxiety/panic attacks.

You need some kind of help to get over it, is the usual answer. I would try to see a psychiatrist for few times, because they can offer you meds, at least for a while, or at least when you need them once in a while. Therapists are great but can't offer meds, unless they work through your PCP. (Apologies if you are already clear on the difference; some people aren't always.) A complete physical might not hurt; there could be an underlying physical problem.

This advice should be regarded as absolutely useless. (Legal boilerplate, short form.)
posted by unrepentanthippie at 11:06 AM on October 8, 2008

Whoops, forgot to add:

I am on medication for depression, and early this year went to a few sessions on social anxiety. It helped a lot, but unfortunately I couldn't keep up with the sessions due to an overworked class/job schedule. Also, Kaiser is far. I don't have a car, and traveling by bus isn't always reliable (traveling by bus from Berkeley to the Kaiser building takes about 20 to 30 minutes, and then there's missing buses...). As far as I know, there aren't any closer sources of therapy; if there are, I can't afford afford it, being a poor college student :(.

This semester is more easy-going, and in general I feel more relaxed than last semester, but I still get these flight attacks or attachment attacks. Not as often as last semester or in previous years, but still serious enough to unsettle me.

elke: I drink tea daily, sometimes I break down and buy a latte for the day, but that's not too often. Cutting back on caffiene makes sense, though tea shouldn't have that much caffience, right? (I'm talking about jasmine or green tea)

Thanks for the advice so far. I've been meaning to get into a regular meditation routine but keep getting hung up on classes, work, and general forgetfulness.
posted by curagea at 12:42 PM on October 8, 2008

ARGH... it should be "be with someone" in my question.
posted by curagea at 12:43 PM on October 8, 2008

Anxiety is quite responsive to mindful breathing, so a yoga or meditation class might help. A therapist taught me to use a cold wet washcloth on my face, which stops panic attacks.

For the bipolar intensity, self-training will help over time. Your school may have onsite counselors.
posted by theora55 at 2:52 PM on October 8, 2008