putting everything together

October 7, 2008 11:23 AM

Moving out of my own apartment into a communal house (again). Best practices?

I can't afford this place anymore, and I'm tired of living by myself, so after a decade or so of living alone with (now-ex) partner and our kids, I'm moving back into the kind of big lefty communal housing situation I lived in before. I'm thrilled about the house, about the people I'll be living with, and about living communally again in general. That said, it's been a while.

Specific things I'm wondering about:

1) I've accumulated a lot of stuff in the intervening years. Much of it is just random junk I'm planning to get rid of outright, but I also have some stuff - furniture, books, etc. - that I'd like to keep. I don't know if there will be room for it all in the house, though - in fact, it seems unlikely. Would getting a storage space be the way to go?

2) What can I do to make this transition the best it can be for everyone? My kids are fabulously social and are excited about living with housemates, who are all childless friends of ours, but how do we deal with discipline and other such issues when it comes to them? My future housemates also have animals (cats and a dog), and my kids have never lived with any before - should we be doing anything in particular to help prepare them? As for me, what can I be doing to relearn how to be a good roommate, since it's been a long time in which I haven't had to be?

Any tips or ideas, especially from those who have been in similar situations, would be great!

posted by streetdreams to home & garden (9 comments total)

How old are you kids and what kind of dog is it?
posted by radioamy at 11:35 AM on October 7, 2008

You might want to have a policy of always keeping your door(s) shut so the animals don't go in there and make a mess.
posted by radioamy at 11:36 AM on October 7, 2008

I don't know about your particular furniture and books, but I would say just get rid of them. You'll probably spend way more on storage than those things are worth, if you're living in this group situation long-term. Maybe you could store them for a month or two, and then anything you didn't miss or need in that time frame, just get rid of it.
posted by Airhen at 11:40 AM on October 7, 2008

The kids are 7 and 2 and the dog is a mellow Siberian Husky.
posted by streetdreams at 11:53 AM on October 7, 2008

I second getting rid of stuff instead of storing it.

You may have to take responsibility in making sure your kids leave the bathroom and kitchen tidy, rather than just warning them to do so.

Also,and this isn't quite what you were asking about, I once lived in a communal house where we each took a day of the work week and were responsible for planning, cooking and cleaning up after a shared meal. It was great just going down and being served a big meal four nights a week.
posted by bonobothegreat at 12:12 PM on October 7, 2008

I think the kids may need a few reminders about how to handle pets if they haven't lived with them before. A few years ago my very young cousins, the oldest of whom was about 7, gave their dog a bath with dish soap and the poor dog died of an allergic reaction. The whole thing was so innocent and the girls were really upset about it for a long time; they had no idea to even watch out for that sort of thing. I think the kid-adult, pet-kid, and new adult-pet interactions will probably go fine.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 12:18 PM on October 7, 2008

Will the kids be there full time, or part time? There is a big difference between the housemates being around the children, say, every other weekend and the children being there 24/7 (or close to it).

how do we deal with discipline and other such issues when it comes to them?

You'll need to talk with the house-mates about this and their comfort level to really answer this question. I suspect that as you grow together as a proxy-family their comfort level with kids and discipline will change. Its up to you to state clearly what rules you expect your children to follow, especially with regard to food and permissions (ie: even if John says its ok for the 7-year-old to play with the gameboy it may still be off-limits because Dad said so.)

When doing communal vacations, I always try to make one thing very clear: I expect everyone to be responsible for the safety of all the children present. If, at any time, any adult sees any child in a situation that could lead to someone being injured, it is the basic moral responsibility of the adult to step in and keep things safe. This includes everything from stopping kids from playing with knives to stepping in if one kid hits another kid. Don't assume the other adults will do it unless you explicitly lay this out as your expectation. Society being what it is right now, people are funny about "parenting" other people's kids.

Also, be very clear with the kids that they must see the other adults in the house as having your "proxy authority" when you're not around. For the older child, this may involve a conversation about where the limits are (as one friend famously said to his son "no one else should ever undress you unless you're covered in acid or on fire"). Expect that the older child will try to say "Well, John said it was ok...".

Adults who have never lived with kids before may not understand fully how much havoc a two year old can wreak in a house. Talk with the other adults frankly about childproofing and why its important. Be vigilant in the kitchen and bathroom, but help the other adults understand that their bedrooms need to be childproofed as well (at least when it comes to sharp objects or poisons) because toddlers will go anywhere if they can.

I'm on the other side of the "great stuff divide". I honestly think its wasteful to get rid of stuff if you think you're going to need or want it again. Talk with your house-mates about how you can incorporate as much of your stuff as you can into the house -- this will make your kids feel more like its "your" house, and I bet it will make you feel that way too. Store expensive items, books, family mementos and anything it would be expensive or difficult to replace.
posted by anastasiav at 12:19 PM on October 7, 2008

My aunt maintained a communal house for many years, and my cousin grew up in that environment. I remember fantastic dynamics between the kid (or kids, as sometimes there were more than one) in the house and the adults (who changed over the years). As I recall, the 'secret' was that any kids in the house understood that they had to respect, and mind, any adult as though that adult was their parent. I don't remember any kids, even as teenagers, pulling the "Whatever, you're not my mother" routine. The adults all insisted on the kid(s) maintaining the household standard of respectful behavior. However, the adults had, amongst themselves, a very clear understanding of what behavior they expected of the kids, what discipline was acceptable, and that the parent, and only the parent, had the right to set those standards.

Given those recollections, I'd make sure that your housemates are comfortable with the way you parent your children, and that you're comfortable with your kids getting a bunch of 'aunties' and 'uncles' who will play a major part in raising them and, inevitably, disciplining them.
posted by amelioration at 12:37 PM on October 7, 2008

I spent 12+ years living with other people's kids in just these sort of situations and I think Amelioration is bang on the money. I lived with six different kids during this time (all the way from 18 months to 16 years) and the only real problems I ever had was when living with someone who had previously lived with other people as lodgers in her house and kind of had the expectation that this was the way it was going to be. The kids picked up on this and one of them did try to pull the "you're not my mother" line. ThoughI think the adult was more trouble in the end than the kids ever were. The rest of the time was as amelioration described it and it worked out fine.

One of the great things about living with other people's kids was that I got to interact with kids but still got to shut my door when I wanted. You will probably need to sit down the younger kid, in particular, and communicate this sense of boundaries. While I was amused at being woken up a two and four year old playing in my room, the person I brought home one night was perhaps less amused by being woken by the kids peering under the duvet and then going round the rest of the house telling them that tallus had someone in his bed with him.
posted by tallus at 1:16 PM on October 7, 2008