Wisdom for the brokenhearted novice sub

October 6, 2008 4:22 PM

I'm looking for some coping strategies to deal with the end of my first BDSM relationship.

I am a lady (submissive) who was involved with a dude (dominant) for a little less than five months. Not a long time, I know, but it was a big deal for me: aside from being tied up a couple times here and there, I'd never really explored the possibility of BDSM, and never experienced the emotional/psychological components of it (control, humiliation, etc.). This guy was experienced, patient, and incredibly understanding, and we were pretty perfectly matched in terms of our interests and desires.

Alongside the BDSM part of the relationship (which involved deep submission, extensive orgasm control, heavy pain, mind-fucking, all of that good stuff), we also had a boyfriend/girlfriend sort of relationship. The end of the non-BDSM part of the relationship--I'm handling that. There were some complicated things about the relationship, and a handful of reasons why it needed to end, and I'm going to be sad about it for a little while but it's going to be fine.

But the thing that makes me wake up in the morning and start crying immediately is the loss of the BDSM part. From a rational perspective, I would have to assume that the same breakup recovery principles should apply. You wallow, you mourn it, it gets easier over time. But I'm so hung up on the idea that this was the first person I ever submitted to, the first person who recognized and was willing to engage with that part of me, and who helped me learn something about myself and my sexuality at a time when I just assumed that I'd already figured everything out (I mean, I'm in my late 20s; I've been around)...it's certainly not the longest relationship I've ever had, and it wasn't sustainable in the longer term, but it feels like it was an important relationship for me. I feel so dorky saying this, but...yeah. This relationship, and this person, changed me, or allowed me to begin to change myself.

I've been trying to figure out what's hurting so much about this. It's not that I feel rejected, because the end of the relationship had nothing to do with a loss of interest/attraction or feelings changing or anything like that. And it's not unreasonable to assume that we'll end up playing (albeit in a much more low-key way) again at some point, so that's not really the problem either. The bit that's hardest for me to deal with, I think, is the end of the day-to-day D/s stuff, and not having that very specific sense of direction and connectedness. Submission was a really powerful, emotionally heavy thing for me, and within the relationship, I felt so accepted and cared for, and like it was okay and safe for me to let out this essential, hidden part of who I am, a part that no one else has ever seen. I'm fond of this guy and think he's a great person--but I was absolutely, hopelessly in love with him as my master.

So my question is, does anyone have any suggestions for handling a BDSM breakup? Any wisdom for a brokenhearted novice sub?

posted by anonymous to human relations (8 comments total)

Get back on the horse.

(And lest an overzealous admin delete that as snarky: I mean it.)
posted by rokusan at 4:29 PM on October 6, 2008

take bdsm out of the equation to understand what's going on. you are not hurting this much because this was the first person you experienced this but because this was an important relationship to you. your reaction is natural and to be expected.

it's the emotional connection with a person and not any set activity that makes this so tough to get over. (this may sound harsh but wait until you have had bdsm experiences with someone not up to his level/not as compatible and you'll realize what I mean. the play can be just as good and it can mean a lot less.)

rokusan is kind of right, even though inarticulate. pick yourself up and move on. you know what you want.
posted by krautland at 4:54 PM on October 6, 2008

I would actually exercise caution about rushing right into another BDSM relationship. Especially if you seek try to seek that out specifically. Because likely you'll be disappointed, and it will make you miss your first relationship more. Just like normal relationships, it can take time to find the right "fit". And there are a lot of guys out there who want to be "master" to your "slave" but who won't have the nuance, understanding, or deeper connection that you had with your ex.

I found myself adrift after a relationship like this ended. And then I found myself in some really fucked up BDSM situations that made me feel even worse. Eventually, I just had to lay off looking specifically for a BDSM partner. I concentrated on finding someone I could have a good dating relationship with, and be sexually open with. Happily, I eventually found someone who shared similar proclivities. It was never like my first BDSM... but that's okay. Some parts are better, some parts are just different, but ultimately its a relationship with staying power and intense satisfaction.
posted by kimdog at 5:21 PM on October 6, 2008

A friend of mine is a therapist who specializes in kink issues, among other things. She might have some resources for you in your area. http://drkkolmes.com/about/
posted by judith at 6:27 PM on October 6, 2008

As a loving submissive woman, you opened up to another person and allowed yourself to be completely vulnerable.

You loved without reservation.

It's going to be hard for a long while to get past this.

Don't just "jump back on the horse", please. I worry that, too soon, it would be too much for you, too painful. You have found the submissive within you, but you can't just submit to anyone and have it feel the same way. For you, if the emotion isn't there, it will cheapen what you did have.

Give it time. Write about what you feel; that can help. Let it out. I wish there was an easy, quick fix, but it takes time to get over someone that has owned you so completely.

And you will, in time, experience this again. It isn't lost forever. You will have a need to seek out another Dominant. Just don't rush into anything now, when you are even more vulnerable because of what you have lost.
posted by misha at 6:45 PM on October 6, 2008 [4 favorites]

rokusan was anything but inarticulate; it's a terribly succinct and (IMO) terribly clever pun, that really drives home the idea:

It's not the only BDSM relationship you'll ever have; just the first.
You had a first kiss, and others.
You had a first love, and others.
You had a first lover, and others.

The First is always special, but it's not the last.
posted by IAmBroom at 9:03 PM on October 6, 2008 [2 favorites]

Seconding (and 'besting') IAmBroom - just because it's the first doesn't make it the last. Take your time, and you'll know when to move on :)
posted by chrisinseoul at 5:16 AM on October 7, 2008

Munches. It is time to meet lots of people in the lifestyle. In the long term, that will help you meet another dom, but the important part is that you'll meet other folks who know about submission, don't think it is weird and who can give support and advice. It is constructive, concrete and fun.
posted by QIbHom at 8:29 PM on October 7, 2008 [1 favorite]