Comments on: Her Mother died of Breast Cancer two years ago, what can I do?

Question: Her Mother died of Breast Cancer two years ago, what can I do?

eleongonzales — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 07:56:03 -0800

Breast Cancer took her mother from her 2 years ago (October 3rd, 2006)- what can I do for her anniversary?

I want to do something for my girlfriend for her mother's anniversary this Friday.

Background - Her mother passed away two years ago after a very hard battle with breast cancer stretching over a few years. She talks about her mother daily and misses her greatly. She has no other family besides her half sisters and brother, and her father left at a very young age and she has never met him.

We haven't been dating very long, but we have talked about her mother in some depth and she has shared numerous stories that lead me to believe that her mother was the center of her life and that they had a very special relationship. She is still living in the apartment her mother purchased and has joined some of the organizations where her mother was a member (somewhat filling in her shoes.) She is a very family oriented person and will fortunately be spending the day with them.

I have been raising money for Making Strides Against Breast Cancer and I will be participating in this event in a few weeks in her honor.

I would like to do something special for her beyond a card or flowers and I wanted to see if you all have any ideas.

By: chrisfromthelc

chrisfromthelc — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 08:36:14 -0800

I would be wary of doing anything like that. Let her talk about it, take her to see her mother's grave if she chooses to, but anything beyond that seems a little,....strange and invasive.

By: roomthreeseventeen

roomthreeseventeen — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 08:44:27 -0800

I think a card or flowers would be fine. It's great that you are raising money, and she'll be touched that you remembered the day.

By: thinkingwoman

thinkingwoman — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 08:45:37 -0800

if you've only been dating a short while, flowers are enough. i agree that more would probably seem false.

also, the fact that she's sort of taken over her mother's life is a little unhealthy. not horribly or dysfunctionally, just suggests that there's some refusal to let go. best thing would be to honor the grief without pushing her further into the void her mother left.

By: greenland

greenland — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 08:48:43 -0800

As someone in your girlfriend's shoes, I strongly echo chrisfromthelc's sentiment. Be present for anything she needs, but otherwise avoid being invasive.

By: fructose

fructose — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 09:04:26 -0800

You are already doing something really great by raising money and participating in Making Strides. I know people really appreciate that.

By: desuetude

desuetude — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 09:18:33 -0800

Flowers/handwritten card AND the Making Strides event? This is perfect. The only other thing to do is to listen if she wants to talk about her mom (which you've already been doing) and don't push her if she doesn't want to share her thoughts. Getting her anything else strikes me as overkill.

By: Oriole Adams

Oriole Adams — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 10:07:26 -0800

The card and flowers are just enough, but include a sincere, heartfelt message in the card, something like: I know your mom was your best friend, and I can't imagine how hard this day must be for you. From what you've told me she seemed like a great lady. I wish I could've met her. If you ever want to talk, please know that I'm here for you.

By: eleongonzales

eleongonzales — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 10:50:14 -0800

Alright thanks for the advice! When I said short while I meant a few months, we see each other a few times a week generally, but live in different cities.

I think I'll leave it to flowers and a card, but I wanted to make sure that was enough. I was thinking getting her like a little gift certificate to a manicure/pedicure type thing or a massage would be a nice touch... but I agree that I don't want to be invasive, and I definitely don't want to go overboard.

By: TrixieRamble

TrixieRamble — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 15:16:27 -0800

My mother is wrapping up year two of her very hard battle with breast cancer. To me, a manicure/pedicure or massage would feel like a very bizarre way to observe a day like this one will be for your girlfriend. Good call to go with card and/or flowers. You want to say "I'm thinking about you," not "Enjoy a day of pampering just for you!"

Your girlfriend is lucky to have someone so generous and considerate to honor her and her family this way.

By: gesamtkunstwerk

gesamtkunstwerk — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 15:50:27 -0800

Gifts are hard on the anniversary of a death. The person doesn't want to be made happy; she probably just wants to think of her mom.

Raising money is a great thing to do.

By: Houstonian

Houstonian — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 17:33:28 -0800

Please, rethink the gifts, flowers, mani/pedi. My mom died of breast cancer, so I speak with some experience. The best (only) thing to do is to tell her, "I know this is a hard day for you. I'm hear to listen if you want to talk." And then ask her what she'd like to do with the day. I suspect instead of spas and flowers for her, she will want to go to the cemetery to give her mom flowers. If you are there, while she's sad, if you hold her while she cries that is enough, and all anyone can do.

Nobody can make the day any better for her. Instead of "cheering her up," so to speak, allow her to grieve. That will be the one thing you can do to show you care -- the rest of the world wants her to cheer up, the people who love her allow her to be sad on this day.