I've lost her wedding ring!

September 29, 2008 8:51 AM

I've lost the wedding ring! What do I do?

Anonymous because she reads this, and will kill me.
I've lost my fiancee's wedding ring! It isn't where it should have been, and I'm pretty sure it's now several states away, and completely unfindable. Here's where it gets tricky: It matches the engagement ring. The set is a family heirloom - they were my great grandmother's rings, from around 1910. If I tell my parents, they'll also kill me - but I'm more concerned about my fiancee. She's only actually seen the ring once or twice - so maybe if I find something that looks really similar to it, she won't notice? Our wedding's not for about 6 months, so I have some time. What do I do? How likely am I to find a matching ring?

posted by anonymous to human relations (20 answers total)

You're seriously considering lying to your fiancee on the eve of your wedding? Not a good precedent to set. Suck it up, admit it, and set about solving the problem. Withholding or, worse, lying is going to make this issue way more painful than it would be if you faced it head-on.
posted by mynameisluka at 8:56 AM on September 29, 2008

Starting your marriage out on a lie is a very bad idea. I can't believe you are even considering this.
posted by amro at 9:03 AM on September 29, 2008

Wake up man! If she's going to break up with you over YOUR FAMILY'S ring, she is not worth it. Also, jewelers are great at making jewelry to order. Admit what happened, get a wedding band made to order, and move on. Your parents might initially freak out over it, but if they're going to disown you over material objects you've got bigger issues. I'm sure they'll get over it. DO NOT try to fake this.
posted by Brodiggitty at 9:04 AM on September 29, 2008

Also, I'd be surprised if she couldn't figure out who anonymous is, based on the information that you've given here.
posted by amro at 9:04 AM on September 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

Although it's not the eve of your wedding, I agree with mynameisluka.

You are approaching this problem with a very closed mind, "The ring is unfindeably," "No one else can know," etc. etc. Just tell people, for your own sake. They will help you brainstorm solutions. They will help you look for it.

If you are so afraid of your fiance's reaction that you are considering such an elaborate scheme such as finding a replacement so exact that your parent's will be deceived, then I think you have deeper problems.
posted by muddgirl at 9:07 AM on September 29, 2008

This is a lot of information for an anonymous question - I'd have it deleted asap.
Just tell her - mistakes/accidents happen.
posted by meerkatty at 9:12 AM on September 29, 2008

My best friend accidentally gave her antique, heirloom wedding ring to Goodwill (it was hidden in the toe of an old shoe, for "safety"). Thirty years later it is a central family story, although she was devastated at the time. 'Fess up. This happens (it's why there aren't that many heirloom rings around).
posted by nax at 9:12 AM on September 29, 2008

Take a deep breath and tell her what happened. And ask the mods to delete this question.
posted by EarBucket at 9:16 AM on September 29, 2008

Chances are, your fiancee will be calling you shortly and asking you about this question. The only way you can possibly improve your situation now is to call her first, tell her what happened, and laugh about your panicked reaction and initial impulse to have a fake one made.

Once you've done that, you can defuse some of the anger by going all-out to track down this ring. I'm talking romantic-comedy levels of effort here: travel to its last known location, scour the area, ask everyone you see, visit or call every pawn shop and used-jewelry store in the area, post a $1000 reward for the ring's return. At least that way, when she tells the story, it won't be so much "..so he posted anonymously on the Internet asking about getting a faked replacement" as "..so he did everything he could to try to find it, but it didn't turn up."
posted by pocams at 9:17 AM on September 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

Ditto ditto ditto. Seriously, the ol' switcheroo doesn't even work in sitcom and movie plots, let alone in real life. Just tell her what happened.
posted by desuetude at 9:30 AM on September 29, 2008

What do I do?

1. Have an exact copy made and have it engraved "You are irreplaceable."
2. Fess up, and tell her that you've made an exact copy.
3. As said before, go to ridiculous efforts to find the original ring.
4. If you find the original, give her both rings. If you don't find the original, give her the copy.
5. Have your best man tell the most "awwwwwwwwww"-inducing wedding story evar at the reception.
posted by 23skidoo at 9:39 AM on September 29, 2008 [4 favorites]

I threw away the wedding bands at the rehersal dinner with the trash from the attendants' gifts. I didn't realize it until the next day when I was getting my nails done. My maid of honor and I drove everywhere looking for them. My ring was part of a set from my husband's grandmother. I showed up at his bachelor party (that's right - his bacheolor party) and insisted someone go in the bar and get him. I was hysterical. All he said was: "Are we still getting married tomorrow?". When I nodded, he gave me a hug and told me not to worry about it.

Just tell her! It sucks, but tell her.
posted by beachhead2 at 9:43 AM on September 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

During my first year living in New York, I used to sometimes remove my wedding ring (because my fingers would get hot and swollen and because I wasn't used to wearing a ring -- not because I was trying to cheat!) and stick it in my wallet. This turned out to be a really stupid move, because someone picked my pocket. Wallet and ring were gone forever.

I was devastated and scared to tell my wife. But I did tell her, and -- guess what? -- I discovered that she loved me. She told me it was okay and she got me another ring. About nine years later, she lost her ring. It vanished after some cleaners worked on our apartment, but we can't prove anything. She was really upset. This time I told her it was okay and got her another ring.

We have weathered worse storms in our marriage. I'm sure -- if your relationship is strong -- you can weather this storm.
posted by grumblebee at 9:44 AM on September 29, 2008 [4 favorites]

It's only a ring.

Tell her. Maybe she thought it was friggin' ugly and she'll be happy to pick something modern. Even if she loved it, she'll be fine as long as you tell the truth.
posted by 26.2 at 9:49 AM on September 29, 2008

I just wanted to add:

It's completely understandable that you're freaking out. I would be too. But do you want to spend the next fifty years looking at your wife's wedding band and knowing it's a lie you've never owned up to? If you just tell her what happened, worst case scenario is that you go together get her a new band made to match the old one and in twenty years, she's still embarrassing you with this story at parties.

If if this is the dumbest thing you ever do in your marriage, you're going to be in great shape.
posted by EarBucket at 9:56 AM on September 29, 2008

What do you do? You certainly do not lie to her or your parents. Do not, under any circumstances, try to pull the old switcheroo. I mean it.

Seconding this:

If if this is the dumbest thing you ever do in your marriage, you're going to be in great shape.

and adding that if you're worried that she's going to bail out of the marriage over this, you have bigger problems that need to be addressed in the next six months. I have the feeling, though, that you are simply over-reacting and yes, she'll probably be upset, but the best thing to do is own up to the problem.
posted by cooker girl at 10:02 AM on September 29, 2008 [2 favorites]

I'm sorry, are you marrying an equal partner here or a punitive parent? Because from your description, it's a little confusing.

Anyway, listen. In the big picture of a 30 or 40 or 50 year marriage, this is small beer. It's nothing. It's a thing, a token, a replaceable symbol. Losing it doesn't mean you're going to be careless with money, leave a kid behind in Ohio, or forget that you're married when you meet a stripper named Honey. It doesn't mean you don't care or that you don't love her. It means you made a mistake and lost a very small object. It happens. (and if you want real drama and angst, just wait until your wife loses her engagement ring...)

If it makes you feel any better, due to confusion with our wedding bands, I ended up getting married with a €12, second-hand wedding ring I bought in a pawn shop two days before our wedding. We were still just as married, I never cared in the least, and as everyone has said, it's a somewhat amusing story from our past now.

To a large extent, both marriage and life are about one's ability to roll with it, cheerfully make the best of things, and move ahead. Consider this situation vital training, sack up, and figure out what to do together.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:41 AM on September 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

Rings gets lost or damaged all the time. My fiance lost the stone from her engagement ring. she was devastated. I hugged her, told her it would be OK, and we got another ring. Work your socks off to try and find it, and if not, fess up. In the grand scheme of bad shit that can happen in your marriage, this is small potatoes. Don't make it a lot worse by trying to hide it.
posted by ArkhanJG at 12:46 PM on September 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

shit happens. That's life. If she can't accept it and forgive you, you might be better off without her.
posted by WizKid at 2:19 PM on September 29, 2008

Tell her. Enlist her help and support when breaking the news to your family, which will probably be harder.
posted by Breav at 4:03 PM on October 1, 2008