How do they un-see this?
September 25, 2008 5:37 PM Subscribe
So I gave my Grandma my old digital camera. I deleted everything off the disk but it seems there must have still been some either on the disk or on the camera's memory. My mom and dad just downloaded the pictures my Grandma took along with the ones that weren't deleted. Those happen to have been some naughty ones I would never in a million years have wanted my family to see.
My parents don't drink, don't smoke, don't curse, go to church 3 times a week. My mom never even discussed sex until I was a freshman in college and we haven't mentioned it sense. Even though I was married for 8 years they probably have convinced themselves that I am still a virgin just because that is how they are. I am a 35 yo female. Needless to say it embarrassed them and me. What do I say? How do I face them? How do I handle this. I haven't eaten or slept since they told me a week ago.
My parents don't drink, don't smoke, don't curse, go to church 3 times a week. My mom never even discussed sex until I was a freshman in college and we haven't mentioned it sense. Even though I was married for 8 years they probably have convinced themselves that I am still a virgin just because that is how they are. I am a 35 yo female. Needless to say it embarrassed them and me. What do I say? How do I face them? How do I handle this. I haven't eaten or slept since they told me a week ago.
I would just apologize for not deleting the photos if they insist on talking about it, and then pretend like it never happened. What else are you going to say that won't embarrass everyone all over again? Really, they should have just pretended like it never happened in the first place. I mean, if you walked in accidentally on your parents having sex would they expect you to have a talk with them about it.
posted by Airhen at 5:46 PM on September 25, 2008
posted by Airhen at 5:46 PM on September 25, 2008
Oh god, I'm so sorry. I can't understand why they even told you. If this had happened to me, my family would have kept their mouth shut. It's as if they were so embarrassed that they wanted to share the embarrassment with you. So I agree with ydnagaj: apologize, say nothing further and time will ease it.
posted by meerkatty at 5:48 PM on September 25, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by meerkatty at 5:48 PM on September 25, 2008 [1 favorite]
The "don't ask, don't tell" policy works extremely well when it comes to family and sexual matters, however problematic an approach it may have been in the military. Just sweep this incident under the rug and try to forget about it, and rest assured your parents will go into denial about it as quickly as they possibly can.
posted by orange swan at 6:17 PM on September 25, 2008
posted by orange swan at 6:17 PM on September 25, 2008
It's embarrassing. I'm sorry.
Still, your parents know about the birds and bees and have had sex at least once.
You are an adult and your personal life is your business. You have nothing to explain or defend.
posted by plinth at 6:25 PM on September 25, 2008 [2 favorites]
Still, your parents know about the birds and bees and have had sex at least once.
You are an adult and your personal life is your business. You have nothing to explain or defend.
posted by plinth at 6:25 PM on September 25, 2008 [2 favorites]
A good sence of humility has gotten me out of many situations.
posted by captainsohler at 7:07 PM on September 25, 2008
posted by captainsohler at 7:07 PM on September 25, 2008
How do I handle this
By learning from it.
This could have been a lot worse. If you'd sold your camera instead of giving it to Grandma, those pictures could have ended up posted online and archived for all time.
As it is, all you need to do is tell your parents that you're really, really embarrassed that you left that stuff lying around for them to find, and ask for their reassurance that all copies have been deleted.
Next time you have the urge to take pictures that could cause you grief if they escape, do it on a memory card reserved specifically for that purpose that you then remove from the camera and physically secure. If you want to make backups of those pictures, encrypt them.
posted by flabdablet at 7:09 PM on September 25, 2008
By learning from it.
This could have been a lot worse. If you'd sold your camera instead of giving it to Grandma, those pictures could have ended up posted online and archived for all time.
As it is, all you need to do is tell your parents that you're really, really embarrassed that you left that stuff lying around for them to find, and ask for their reassurance that all copies have been deleted.
Next time you have the urge to take pictures that could cause you grief if they escape, do it on a memory card reserved specifically for that purpose that you then remove from the camera and physically secure. If you want to make backups of those pictures, encrypt them.
posted by flabdablet at 7:09 PM on September 25, 2008
Your parents have known you for a long, long time. If they're vaguely decent and sane people, they won't think that you're some vile creature because of this one incident. Just as I'm sure you wouldn't think less of your son or daughter if you caught them masturbating.
As for them thinking you're a virgin... c'mon now. If they didn't realize that you were capable of wanting to have and of actually having sex, they wouldn't have had The Talk with you back then. They may be a bit uptight about sex, but give them a little credit.
When you see them, act like nothing happened. It'll be hard at first, but it'll get easier with each uneventful get-together. If they bring it up, even though you may want to shrivel up and die, laugh it off with a "Haha, yeah. That was embarrassing" and change the subject.
For the time being: eat, sleep, do something distracting and relaxing. Realize that years from now, this embarrassing situation will have passed.
And if you need to put a positive, if somewhat grim, spin on it: at least they were found by your parents, who can be trusted to have deleted them. The same could not necessarily be said of repair people, second-hand store clerks, or whoever might have bought it off craigslist.
posted by CKmtl at 7:23 PM on September 25, 2008
As for them thinking you're a virgin... c'mon now. If they didn't realize that you were capable of wanting to have and of actually having sex, they wouldn't have had The Talk with you back then. They may be a bit uptight about sex, but give them a little credit.
When you see them, act like nothing happened. It'll be hard at first, but it'll get easier with each uneventful get-together. If they bring it up, even though you may want to shrivel up and die, laugh it off with a "Haha, yeah. That was embarrassing" and change the subject.
For the time being: eat, sleep, do something distracting and relaxing. Realize that years from now, this embarrassing situation will have passed.
And if you need to put a positive, if somewhat grim, spin on it: at least they were found by your parents, who can be trusted to have deleted them. The same could not necessarily be said of repair people, second-hand store clerks, or whoever might have bought it off craigslist.
posted by CKmtl at 7:23 PM on September 25, 2008
This is such a heinous situation to go through. I feel for you because something similar happened to me NO I WILL NOT BRING IT UP EVER AGAIN - BUT DAMMIT IT STILL GOES THROUGH MY HEAD SOME NIGHTS WHEN I CAN'T SLEEP.
However, it has become the funniest story I have for parties and an interesting side effect is that it made way for some good, open communication with my parents. I am much freer to be myself around them now and I don't feel some weird responsibility to act like the perfect little daughter any more. They may not dig what they know, but now they understand that I am my own person and even though I may be a "sinner" I'm really not all that bad. Without giving examples, I can't really tell you -- but we are closer now than ever before.
Hopefully something good will come out of this for you as well. In time, of course :)
posted by Kloryne at 7:24 PM on September 25, 2008 [1 favorite]
However, it has become the funniest story I have for parties and an interesting side effect is that it made way for some good, open communication with my parents. I am much freer to be myself around them now and I don't feel some weird responsibility to act like the perfect little daughter any more. They may not dig what they know, but now they understand that I am my own person and even though I may be a "sinner" I'm really not all that bad. Without giving examples, I can't really tell you -- but we are closer now than ever before.
Hopefully something good will come out of this for you as well. In time, of course :)
posted by Kloryne at 7:24 PM on September 25, 2008 [1 favorite]
Eventually they will get over being mortified and get to the point where they think it´s a funny story to tell that special someone you have decided to introduce to your parents.
Try to eat and sleep, even if your parents are angry/sobbing at the moment they will eventually get over it.
posted by yohko at 7:43 PM on September 25, 2008 [1 favorite]
Try to eat and sleep, even if your parents are angry/sobbing at the moment they will eventually get over it.
posted by yohko at 7:43 PM on September 25, 2008 [1 favorite]
"So. Now you know... I'm normal."
posted by kindall at 8:14 PM on September 25, 2008 [7 favorites]
posted by kindall at 8:14 PM on September 25, 2008 [7 favorites]
The Southern way to handle this is-it never happened.
That's it. Denial can be a wonderous thing.
posted by konolia at 8:52 PM on September 25, 2008
That's it. Denial can be a wonderous thing.
posted by konolia at 8:52 PM on September 25, 2008
Well, if they didn't treat you as an adult before, maybe they will now.
posted by amtho at 9:39 PM on September 25, 2008
posted by amtho at 9:39 PM on September 25, 2008
Which photos Mom? Oh, just the bondage devil's threeway? I was worried it was something weird.
At this point, all you can do is brazen it out with your folks. Pretend it's no big deal and maybe they'll act the same.
posted by 26.2 at 10:17 PM on September 25, 2008
At this point, all you can do is brazen it out with your folks. Pretend it's no big deal and maybe they'll act the same.
posted by 26.2 at 10:17 PM on September 25, 2008
Yeah, always remember to delete the camera's onboard memory as well, if your camera has some.
In what few cases that have arisen myself, it's very much a quick matter of "immediately off the camera, into a far separate directory than my primary photos, format card".
And I have a dSLR with no onboard, so no worries there.
But there's nothing you're going to want to do approach wise. Don't bring it up, act normal, ignore it. Time heals all wounds, and awkwardness, and whatever. They've had sex before. They'll get over it. There are certain ideas and concepts we all prefer fully to keep in a "walled garden" or "oh-let's-never-think-about-that-ever" like, well, this. Having sunlight hit it sucks, but it'll mellow soon enough. Eat something. And relax.
posted by disillusioned at 1:00 AM on September 26, 2008
In what few cases that have arisen myself, it's very much a quick matter of "immediately off the camera, into a far separate directory than my primary photos, format card".
And I have a dSLR with no onboard, so no worries there.
But there's nothing you're going to want to do approach wise. Don't bring it up, act normal, ignore it. Time heals all wounds, and awkwardness, and whatever. They've had sex before. They'll get over it. There are certain ideas and concepts we all prefer fully to keep in a "walled garden" or "oh-let's-never-think-about-that-ever" like, well, this. Having sunlight hit it sucks, but it'll mellow soon enough. Eat something. And relax.
posted by disillusioned at 1:00 AM on September 26, 2008
What Konolia said--it never happened.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:09 AM on September 26, 2008
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:09 AM on September 26, 2008
I'm sorry this happened, but denying it to yourself won't make it a livable thing. I think kindall said it perfectly.
You have to just take a deep breath and own it. You didn't do anything deviant or abnormal.
I guess the most important thing is: did they tell you about it to pass judgment on your terrible, lewd behavior, or were they telling you so you'd know why your Grandmother was going to have some choice words for you next time you see her?
As a 35 year-old, they should be allowing you to have the private, mature life you are entitled to, and they shouldn't be sharing any opinions they may have about your sex life. It just isn't their business.
I'm having trouble understanding why they felt the need to tell you at all. Really, if they are passing judgment on you here, then shame on them.
And sorry if I have just completely misunderstood the situation.
I suggest that if you still feel the need to say something to your parents, you don't come to it from a place of shame, as if your photos themselves were the mistake, rather than not getting them off the camera.
Go out and buy a copy of a book like Our Bodies, Ourselves or some other sex-positive (but gentle and realistic, not too clinical or too flippant) book, and if your parents have any more to say about this incident, give them the book and tell them that they need to be a little less cloistered.
And that the next time you want to discuss your private life with them, YOU will bring it up, and until then, kindly hush.
posted by Brody's chum at 10:57 PM on September 26, 2008
You have to just take a deep breath and own it. You didn't do anything deviant or abnormal.
I guess the most important thing is: did they tell you about it to pass judgment on your terrible, lewd behavior, or were they telling you so you'd know why your Grandmother was going to have some choice words for you next time you see her?
As a 35 year-old, they should be allowing you to have the private, mature life you are entitled to, and they shouldn't be sharing any opinions they may have about your sex life. It just isn't their business.
I'm having trouble understanding why they felt the need to tell you at all. Really, if they are passing judgment on you here, then shame on them.
And sorry if I have just completely misunderstood the situation.
I suggest that if you still feel the need to say something to your parents, you don't come to it from a place of shame, as if your photos themselves were the mistake, rather than not getting them off the camera.
Go out and buy a copy of a book like Our Bodies, Ourselves or some other sex-positive (but gentle and realistic, not too clinical or too flippant) book, and if your parents have any more to say about this incident, give them the book and tell them that they need to be a little less cloistered.
And that the next time you want to discuss your private life with them, YOU will bring it up, and until then, kindly hush.
posted by Brody's chum at 10:57 PM on September 26, 2008
A vote for kindall's "So. Now you know... I'm normal."
(Assuming they did bring it up, and you didn't somehow figure it out all on your own...) There is no decent, moral reason on earth for your parents to bring this discovery up & mortify you. You made a faux pas. They intentionally caused you an unerasable, embarassing memory. Shame on them.
posted by IAmBroom at 6:03 AM on September 29, 2008 [1 favorite]
(Assuming they did bring it up, and you didn't somehow figure it out all on your own...) There is no decent, moral reason on earth for your parents to bring this discovery up & mortify you. You made a faux pas. They intentionally caused you an unerasable, embarassing memory. Shame on them.
posted by IAmBroom at 6:03 AM on September 29, 2008 [1 favorite]
Well, to be fair, anonymous may have caused her parents an unerasable, embarrassing memory as well.
posted by kindall at 10:56 PM on September 29, 2008
posted by kindall at 10:56 PM on September 29, 2008
kindall, that's different (although I get the joke). Anonymous didn't intentionally cause anyone embarassment.
posted by IAmBroom at 7:12 PM on September 30, 2008
posted by IAmBroom at 7:12 PM on September 30, 2008
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posted by ydnagaj at 5:45 PM on September 25, 2008 [1 favorite]