How can my wife and I enjoy better sex in the morning?

September 23, 2008 2:03 PM

How can my wife and I enjoy better sex in the morning, when I wear out quickly and she can't get on top? (Possibly NSFW)

My wife and I are in our mid-thirties, with two kids. We have great sex, which up till recently was only at night. With both kids now in school, we've been trying to make love in the morning as well before I go to work (my wife works out of the house).

The problem is that, especially in the morning, I wear out quickly. I have some back problems, and the drugs I take for them make it difficult for me to keep going for a while. We usually make love in the rear-entry "doggy-style" position, because the only other position we've had much luck with is missionary, and that's just too much for my back. Unfortunately, with that position, I just get worn out quickly enough that I have to stop and rest often, which means I then have to get hard again so we can resume the activities.

The obvious followup question is, then, why don't we try a position with her on top? Well, unfortunately, by a cruel coincidence, my wife has arthritis in both knees, and can't handle those positions for more than a minute or two. The only place we've had any success with this kind of position is in a hot tub, where the buoyancy of the water helped out, but alas we have no hot tub at home nor any place to put one.

So, does anyone have any ideas how we can make this work? Any easily-hidden, not-too-expensive equipment we could buy that would help? All reasonable suggestions are welcome. Thanks!

posted by anonymous to human relations (12 comments total)

You do know there are other positions?

I recommend you find a copy of the book The Joy of Sex. I promise you something in there will work.
posted by konolia at 2:12 PM on September 23, 2008

Wikipedia has a decent list of sex positions which may be good for inspiration. I'd particularly point out ones that involve both partners more or less lying down including spooning and this complicated looking one which apparently is quite popular.

I think if it were me, given those constraints, I'd make morning lazy lay around and touch/lick/fondle each other sexytime where you don't have to get all huffing/puffing about it. Since the weather is getting colder, just being under the covers together is a good start and whoever wakes up first can sort of initiate and who doesn't like to wake up to the tender ministrations of their partner? (ok, maybe not everyone...)

Alternately, getting out of the bedroom gives you a whole bunch of new furniture to avail yourself of see what works for your back and her knees. Possible options

- you in a chair and her straddling you, more standing up than kneeling
- her lying someplace at roughly hip height while you stand (more legs, less back)
- bathtub?

There are decent sex harnesses that can be good for suspending a partner which allow for increased mobility/flexibility. The one I linked to only needs one point of support which means it's put up-able and take downable fairly easily. If that's a little too complicated you may just want to stock up on a ton of pillows so that you can practice and experiment with propping each other up in ways that minimize discomfort and still allow you to get your morning groove on. Good luck finding something that works for you.
posted by jessamyn at 2:19 PM on September 23, 2008

This (NSFW!) sounds like what you want. Your back is supported if you use lots of pillows and her knees don't have to hold her body weight.
posted by meerkatty at 2:19 PM on September 23, 2008

Here's a (maybe NSFW) page about sex for people with arthritis and other orthopedic issues.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:31 PM on September 23, 2008

Use the spoon position. Plus lots of pillows.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:33 PM on September 23, 2008

First, there absolutely is a bunch of "stuff" that might help: cushions, swings, etc, all of which can be used to support one or both parties during sex. Here is the assortment of cushions sold by Blowfish, for example; basic google searches for "sex cushion" and "sex swing" will turn up more results than you can shake a stick at.

Second, I have to agree with konolia that there are a lot of other positions (and more importantly, variations on the basic positions) that might alleviate some of the difficulties you are facing. Have you tried out sex on your sides, either face to face or rear-entry? What about her on top, but lying on you (not kneeling up)? Or you on top, rear entry, with her laying flat on the bed and your legs either inside or outside hers? Sitting up, facing each other? You sitting in a chair and she straddles you, or sits on your lap, again facing either towards or away from you? Bent over the back of the couch?

And on and on and on. There are books like the classic Joy of Sex, as well as lots of illustrated websites, that will show you more positions than you knew were possible. The more spectacular ones require acrobatic balance and flexibility, but there are a lot of ones that work fine for regular people. (There have been previous AskMes about sex and obesity, if that is an issue for either of you, too.) Here is an example, with cheesy computer-generated animations of all kinds of positions, for example (I found it on a fast google search; I'm sure there are many better resources if you look harder).

So I'm voting for experimentation, with lots of giggling and a willingness to look ridiculous in the service of a better sex life. And, remember that you don't have to finish the way you start. So you can have sex for a while in a way that's fun and maybe feels perfect for your partner, and then you can switch to an old reliable position (like rear entry, with it's extra tightness) for the finish.

And lastly, I know it would be an embarrassing conversation, but would you be willing to say to your doctor that the drugs you are taking for you back are hurting your sex life, and ask if there are alternatives you can try? If you could resolve (or improve) that particular problem, you'd be miles ahead of where you are now.
posted by Forktine at 2:35 PM on September 23, 2008

Is it possible to adjust the time of day that you take the back-helping drugs, if that would help at all?

Would it help to get some kind of regular cardio exercise (if you can, whatever your doctor thinks is appropriate given your back) to help your stamina increase?

Agreed that some kind of spooning and experimentation sound like good ideas.
posted by KAS at 2:48 PM on September 23, 2008

As has been said, spooning is the answer. If you're not familiar with it, imagine two spoons together on their sides. And one of them has a penis.
posted by jhighmore at 3:35 PM on September 23, 2008 [13 favorites]

The Liberator shapes would be helpful. They aren't that easy to hide but they come in a black case and sort of look like exercise equipment. I would recommend it for people without health issues and in your case I think it would be most helpful. Good luck!
posted by Silvertree at 5:28 AM on September 24, 2008

Nthing spooning. Depending on the height of the bed, you could also try having her lay on her back with her butt right on the edge. That way, you're standing (easy on your back), and she's laying down (easy on her knees!).
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 1:23 PM on September 24, 2008

This (NSFW!) sounds like what you want. Your back is supported if you use lots of pillows and her knees don't have to hold her body weight.

Speaking from experience, that position is a good way to get leg/back cramps, and is kind of an intense ab workout. Although it feels good otherwise.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 1:25 PM on September 24, 2008

Seconding the lateral coitus position suggested by jessamyn. It takes the strain off of both partners and might work well for you, once you can figure out how the hell to do it.
posted by JauntyFedora at 11:27 PM on September 24, 2008