We're just friends (...or are we?)
September 23, 2008 12:17 PM Subscribe
Are you really just friends?
OK, this has come up a few times, mostly in comments, but under so many different headings I can't possibly find them all: can a woman be "just friends" with a man.
The answer in practice is yes, but that's not what I'm after. I'd like to know what's inside a woman's head in such relationships, the thinking that makes this true. I'd also like to know how men view the situation (no ladder theory, please), as either friends or romantic partners.
I've been in every male role possible in these situations, and I'm no more enlightened for it. And I'm having difficulty dealing with what is/was in my head while just-a-friend, and what the women in my life believe is in the heads of their just-friends.
OK, this has come up a few times, mostly in comments, but under so many different headings I can't possibly find them all: can a woman be "just friends" with a man.
The answer in practice is yes, but that's not what I'm after. I'd like to know what's inside a woman's head in such relationships, the thinking that makes this true. I'd also like to know how men view the situation (no ladder theory, please), as either friends or romantic partners.
I've been in every male role possible in these situations, and I'm no more enlightened for it. And I'm having difficulty dealing with what is/was in my head while just-a-friend, and what the women in my life believe is in the heads of their just-friends.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Chatfilter -- cortex
In both heads:
"Hey you're cool. I like to talk to you. I'm not attracted to you and I don't want to have sex with you. We're friends"
posted by greta simone at 12:24 PM on September 23, 2008
"Hey you're cool. I like to talk to you. I'm not attracted to you and I don't want to have sex with you. We're friends"
posted by greta simone at 12:24 PM on September 23, 2008
Chatfilter.
But yes, there are a few guys that I am "just friends" with. I think every person in these situations may have different stuff "in their heads." Some may want more, heck some folks may even want to be less than friends.
And, further the anthropologist in me needs to remind you that this is a very culturally specific question. There are still places where women cannot be "friends" of any sort with men in their environments. In fact, they only have access to men who are in some way related to them, whether through marriage or birth.
posted by bilabial at 12:26 PM on September 23, 2008
But yes, there are a few guys that I am "just friends" with. I think every person in these situations may have different stuff "in their heads." Some may want more, heck some folks may even want to be less than friends.
And, further the anthropologist in me needs to remind you that this is a very culturally specific question. There are still places where women cannot be "friends" of any sort with men in their environments. In fact, they only have access to men who are in some way related to them, whether through marriage or birth.
posted by bilabial at 12:26 PM on September 23, 2008
Response by poster: Just looking for some perspective...
You've never wanted to date any of them, or you just like to talk to them. But do you know if they felt otherwise about you?
posted by jma at 12:28 PM on September 23, 2008
You've never wanted to date any of them, or you just like to talk to them. But do you know if they felt otherwise about you?
posted by jma at 12:28 PM on September 23, 2008
I've had 3 scenarious where I was "just friends" with a guy:
1. Neither one of us were each other's type. We weren't repulsed by each other, and if one would've asked the other out, we would've considered it, but we truly had no urge to try to make out with each other. That's the best scenario.
2. The guy was interested in me, but I wasn't interested in him. So we stayed friends, because he mostly hung out with me because he liked me, and then he found a gf and now we really are just friends because he is so in love with his gf, and still likes me as a person. In fact, I'm really good friends with the gf as well.
3. Lying to everyone (including myself) and saying "we're just friends" when really I like the guy. And he might like me back as well (or might not) and there might be something going on between us (or might not).
Sooo, what's your question really?
posted by KateHasQuestions at 12:30 PM on September 23, 2008
1. Neither one of us were each other's type. We weren't repulsed by each other, and if one would've asked the other out, we would've considered it, but we truly had no urge to try to make out with each other. That's the best scenario.
2. The guy was interested in me, but I wasn't interested in him. So we stayed friends, because he mostly hung out with me because he liked me, and then he found a gf and now we really are just friends because he is so in love with his gf, and still likes me as a person. In fact, I'm really good friends with the gf as well.
3. Lying to everyone (including myself) and saying "we're just friends" when really I like the guy. And he might like me back as well (or might not) and there might be something going on between us (or might not).
Sooo, what's your question really?
posted by KateHasQuestions at 12:30 PM on September 23, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by smich at 12:23 PM on September 23, 2008