Can I win her back? Should I try?
I'm a 26 year-old man. A few months ago, I met a really great woman and we dated for the next 3-4 months. Our relationship was extremely open and honest, we talked about feelings and ambitions regularly, threw around vacation ideas, and really seemed to be settling in for a good run. About a month into the relationship, she warned me that her ex-boyfriend of about 4 years was coming into town for a little while, and would be staying with her, but assured me she wasn't pining for him and was very happy in our relationship. I took her at her word, and everything proceeded as it had been.
When he did show up, I could tell there was some tension, and when we were introduced at a party, I overheard that he had been living in the same house that she was (and was now staying with her), and had moved out a little over a year before. I also realized that her previous relationship had ended about the time that she took a long trip with this ex, though how exactly the two were related I never got the full details on. She has told me since that she feels like she 'sabotaged that relationship' because she hadn't dealt with her feelings toward this ex.
We started having small arguments after her ex came into town, though nothing major. Things really started to go sour when she asked me to go camping with her and her friends, and said he would be coming too. I didn't see any harm in going along, and actually thought it would be a good way to get to know her ex a little better and smooth out some of the tension.
Later that week, she told me that her ex was 'afraid of me' and didn't want to be around me. The same evening, she also told me that the camping trip changed to going to a beach house, and that there wasn't room for me to go anymore. She told me the reason was because there was limited space, and her friend had organized it. I asked if it was 'just the girls going' and she said yes, though I had suspicions the ex was going along as well. (I found out after we broke up that he had gone along, and that the reason I was disinvited is that he had said he wouldn't go if I was going, and was very good friends with the girl that had organized it for her birthday.)
After the trip was over, she said that her ex had decided not to stay in her house any more, and had gone to the beach house where they had been staying to stay with a mutual friend. I was relieved that he was gone, but my frustrations returned shortly when the following weekend she went back up to the house to stay with him and a few of her friends.
The following weekend, she and I had planned a camping trip with just the two of us. We argued a little when organizing it, but when we finally got out there, we were having a fantastic time. But the last night, she revealed to me that her ex still had feelings for her, and she still had feelings for him. She proposed the idea of an open relationship, and I refused, and after some discussion, told her I thought we should 'take a break'. She was very upset and wanted to convince me otherwise, but wouldn't budge on wanting to be intimate with her ex. We stayed out the rest of the trip, but once I dropped her off, I didn't speak to her for most of the following week.
When we finally did she told me her ex had left for good, but that she felt like she needed to be single. We decided to try being friends, though the one time we hung out, we ended up sleeping together. I didn't see her for another week after that, and then she ended up at the same party I was going to. We hung out there a lot, and at the end of it, fueled by overconsumption, I made a move on her and she turned me down. When I pushed her as to why, she said that the ex was on his way back and they were going to make a go of it. I was devastated, and we had a terrible argument. She told me she wanted to talk the next day after we cooled off. We had lunch the next day and smoothed things over, and she said that while she still had very strong feelings for me, she was very in love with this man and felt like it was very serious. But tension got the better of us, and we slept together again as kind of a 'last hurrah', and she asked me to be friends with her. I told her I didn't know if I could handle it, and we parted ways.
She attempted to contact me once about two weeks later, but the conversation devolved into an argument, and I said things I later regretted. As time went on, I got increasingly depressed about the situation, as I'd really had high hopes, but I tried to carry on, and even dated a little. Feeling guilty about the way I left things, I contacted her, just to say I hadn't wanted to leave things coldly or callously, and that I still cared for her. We exchanged a few emails, and she told me she was lonely. I asked why, and she didn't respond. The other night she tried to contact me again, and we exchanged some texts that she interpreted as curt, and started getting angry. I called her and asked what was going on and she revealed her ex had left, and she was distraught over it. We talked for quite a while.
I told her I would be open to rekindling our relationship, but she said that she doesn't see any way that's possible, as she's still hung up on this other man. We agreed to keep in touch, and she says she wants to be friends, but I really care for her, and I still want it to be more than that. At this point I've stopped being angry, and I feel kind of sorry for her because it seems to me like her jealous ex kind of manipulated her feelings after he saw her with me, and basically sabotaged the relationship. I know she bears some responsibility, but given that kind of history, I can see how that might happen. Despite that she says she doesn't see a relationship between us working, I also know she still has feelings for me, and this was the first conversation we'd had in a while without arguing due to the frustrations of the ordeal, so it seems like her hesitation could wane.
Is there any hope here? Could I win her over? How might I do that? Should I even want to?
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I can't see any reason to go into greater detail than that.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:55 PM on September 17 [4 favorites]