Aaaalll these little rejections
September 13, 2008 3:46 AM Subscribe
How do I get out of the habit of becoming rapidly infatuated with women I am interested in?
I'm a 23 year old guy who has very little dating experience (had one moderately-serious girlfriend several years ago, dated 2-3 girls since). I've recently improved my self-confidence a lot, and have been getting a lot better about actually asking out women I like. I recently don't feel like I've had trouble meeting and talking to potential women, and have become much more of a risk-taker when initiating contact and so on. This part is a really positive change for me, which I am proud of.
The problem I'm having is that as soon as I decide I'm interested, and ask her out, I begin to obsess about her. This means that when things don't work out, I become depressed for days or weeks at a time. As an example, someone I dated recently was relatively fresh out of a long relationship, and not ready to date again. I feel like she was interested in me, and feel good about that, but when she finally decided the timing was bad, I was really broken up about it for a couple weeks. The thing about it is, that we really went out on only 2 dates. Granted, they were dates that went quite well, and we were really hitting it off, but still, I feel like becoming that emotionally invested after just 2 dates is unrealistic.
Another way this becomes problematic is that I anticipate or perceive rejection a lot, even when things are clearly going well. An example would be that I obsess over stupid details like what time to call her, and what exactly to say. If she doesn't answer, I worry that she is dodging my calls.
A lot of the things I think about while obsessing are things like how we would be as a couple, the kinds of romantic things we would do together, what sex with her would be like, and so on. I don't really know if it's normal or healthy to think about those things early on, so I would like some perspective on that. I do like the general idea of planning out some of the romantic things, though, because in the past, I've really genuinely enjoyed doing those things with women I've dated, and I feel like coming up with unique ideas that will be meaningful and enjoyable for both of us is a really rewarding way to show my affection for her. On the other hand, I feel like doing those things is one factor that leads to my overly-high level of investment in these women.
I am looking specifically for perspective on the issues I've discussed (were you once this way? to what degree is this normal?), and also for specific recommendations about books I should read, or ways I should consider re-thinking some of my actions. I realize that many of you will likely recommend therapy, but I am already in therapy that is focused on some other issues. We do talk about relationships a fair amount, so this has come up, but I'm looking here for more pointed advice.
I'm a 23 year old guy who has very little dating experience (had one moderately-serious girlfriend several years ago, dated 2-3 girls since). I've recently improved my self-confidence a lot, and have been getting a lot better about actually asking out women I like. I recently don't feel like I've had trouble meeting and talking to potential women, and have become much more of a risk-taker when initiating contact and so on. This part is a really positive change for me, which I am proud of.
The problem I'm having is that as soon as I decide I'm interested, and ask her out, I begin to obsess about her. This means that when things don't work out, I become depressed for days or weeks at a time. As an example, someone I dated recently was relatively fresh out of a long relationship, and not ready to date again. I feel like she was interested in me, and feel good about that, but when she finally decided the timing was bad, I was really broken up about it for a couple weeks. The thing about it is, that we really went out on only 2 dates. Granted, they were dates that went quite well, and we were really hitting it off, but still, I feel like becoming that emotionally invested after just 2 dates is unrealistic.
Another way this becomes problematic is that I anticipate or perceive rejection a lot, even when things are clearly going well. An example would be that I obsess over stupid details like what time to call her, and what exactly to say. If she doesn't answer, I worry that she is dodging my calls.
A lot of the things I think about while obsessing are things like how we would be as a couple, the kinds of romantic things we would do together, what sex with her would be like, and so on. I don't really know if it's normal or healthy to think about those things early on, so I would like some perspective on that. I do like the general idea of planning out some of the romantic things, though, because in the past, I've really genuinely enjoyed doing those things with women I've dated, and I feel like coming up with unique ideas that will be meaningful and enjoyable for both of us is a really rewarding way to show my affection for her. On the other hand, I feel like doing those things is one factor that leads to my overly-high level of investment in these women.
I am looking specifically for perspective on the issues I've discussed (were you once this way? to what degree is this normal?), and also for specific recommendations about books I should read, or ways I should consider re-thinking some of my actions. I realize that many of you will likely recommend therapy, but I am already in therapy that is focused on some other issues. We do talk about relationships a fair amount, so this has come up, but I'm looking here for more pointed advice.
Be Your Own Dating Service addresses most of these issues.
posted by Estragon at 4:23 AM on September 13, 2008
posted by Estragon at 4:23 AM on September 13, 2008
I know exactly what you mean and I think it's pretty much normal for guys without a lot of experience with dating and relationships. A lot of my friends do similar things (...do yours?). I don't think there's anything I can consciously do to help with it, other than to get depressed/disappointed enough that I learn not to get so obsessive and get my hopes up so much.
The other end of the spectrum, I think, are the guys that are constantly having one night stands and treating girls like objects instead of people, etc. etc. so don't feel too bad for obsessing. I'd rather be treating girls like goddesses than objects. However, we really should be treating them like people (because they're not goddesses). That's what I'm working on and it sounds like you are too.
posted by symbollocks at 7:32 AM on September 13, 2008
The other end of the spectrum, I think, are the guys that are constantly having one night stands and treating girls like objects instead of people, etc. etc. so don't feel too bad for obsessing. I'd rather be treating girls like goddesses than objects. However, we really should be treating them like people (because they're not goddesses). That's what I'm working on and it sounds like you are too.
posted by symbollocks at 7:32 AM on September 13, 2008
Just keep doing what you're doing. It'll get easier.
posted by ludwig_van at 7:43 AM on September 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by ludwig_van at 7:43 AM on September 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
Best answer: A lot of the things I think about while obsessing are things like how we would be as a couple, the kinds of romantic things we would do together, what sex with her would be like, and so on. I don't really know if it's normal or healthy to think about those things early on, so I would like some perspective on that.
Speaking for myself, this is normal as long as you realize that it's just sort of idle daydreaming and you keep these thoughts more or less to yourself in super-early relationship stages. When I was in second grade and didn't know much about relationships, boys or anything really, I'd get crushes on guys and, because I didn't know any better, these would all focus on being married to the guy. "I like him so much we're gonna be MARRIED, OMG"
It seems silly at this point, but I think our minds' tendency to jump ahead and say "yeah this could happen" whatever "this" is [sex, marriage, walks in the park, meeting your parents, skinnydiping] is part of what can keep us on track when otherwise we're interacting with someone we don't really know that well yet. However, our minds also have a tendency to imbue relationships with specialness -- at least for me and a lot of people I know -- so that there's some switch flipped that says "what you have with this person you will NEVER HAVE AGAIN" Again this keeps you focused and attentive and "oh wow this is so nice" but it can also lead to obsessive behaviors and the sort of desperate feeling you're describing. The older you get, the more you recognize this feeling as useful for some things but also ultimately not all that true. There are many people in the world and more than one of them will appreciate you and all you have to give.
It's hard to both enjoy getting to know someone and invest in some hopes and dreams for the future with them and yet also hold some reservations and/or feelings that there are other people you might fit as well or better with, but this is sort of part of what early dating experience is like in a lot of ways. Having a good friend or family member to help you keep some of your emotions in perspective as you muddle through this can be really useful.
posted by jessamyn at 7:52 AM on September 13, 2008 [6 favorites]
Speaking for myself, this is normal as long as you realize that it's just sort of idle daydreaming and you keep these thoughts more or less to yourself in super-early relationship stages. When I was in second grade and didn't know much about relationships, boys or anything really, I'd get crushes on guys and, because I didn't know any better, these would all focus on being married to the guy. "I like him so much we're gonna be MARRIED, OMG"
It seems silly at this point, but I think our minds' tendency to jump ahead and say "yeah this could happen" whatever "this" is [sex, marriage, walks in the park, meeting your parents, skinnydiping] is part of what can keep us on track when otherwise we're interacting with someone we don't really know that well yet. However, our minds also have a tendency to imbue relationships with specialness -- at least for me and a lot of people I know -- so that there's some switch flipped that says "what you have with this person you will NEVER HAVE AGAIN" Again this keeps you focused and attentive and "oh wow this is so nice" but it can also lead to obsessive behaviors and the sort of desperate feeling you're describing. The older you get, the more you recognize this feeling as useful for some things but also ultimately not all that true. There are many people in the world and more than one of them will appreciate you and all you have to give.
It's hard to both enjoy getting to know someone and invest in some hopes and dreams for the future with them and yet also hold some reservations and/or feelings that there are other people you might fit as well or better with, but this is sort of part of what early dating experience is like in a lot of ways. Having a good friend or family member to help you keep some of your emotions in perspective as you muddle through this can be really useful.
posted by jessamyn at 7:52 AM on September 13, 2008 [6 favorites]
I'm a 23-year-old girl, and I pretty much do the same thing. I hope it's normal!
posted by jacalata at 8:08 AM on September 13, 2008
posted by jacalata at 8:08 AM on September 13, 2008
Best answer: age and experience, my dear boy. you sound totally normal. don't worry about it. enjoy your daydreams when you have them, and try to take care of yourself when the sadness happens. as your homones subside a bit more from adolesence (they are still probably very high at your age) you'll notice this happening less. also, as you date more women, you'll become a bit more savvy about them, and more interested in the reality than the daydream.
posted by thinkingwoman at 9:28 AM on September 13, 2008
posted by thinkingwoman at 9:28 AM on September 13, 2008
the unethical answer to your question is to date more than one person but we all know that brings way more problems with it than you really need. I am somewhat on the fence about pursuing more than one person until you get somewhere with one. as in: flirting or going on a first date with more than one person in the same time period strikes me as okay (because most of the time things don't work out anyway) but once you do get the impression that 'this could work' I'd really suggest you stop pursuing other avenues.
then again ... enjoy it. that's what being young is all about. yes, you will freak people out by calling them too often after a first date but you'll also piss others off by not being around often enough. there is no set formula, no right way per se. it's all trial and error and having something work out not is not a sign that you (or the other person) are a failure. love is arbitrary, random and utterly free of logic.
posted by krautland at 10:50 AM on September 13, 2008
then again ... enjoy it. that's what being young is all about. yes, you will freak people out by calling them too often after a first date but you'll also piss others off by not being around often enough. there is no set formula, no right way per se. it's all trial and error and having something work out not is not a sign that you (or the other person) are a failure. love is arbitrary, random and utterly free of logic.
posted by krautland at 10:50 AM on September 13, 2008
Yes it does sound normal and you'll miss this as you get older. Enjoy!
posted by Kloryne at 11:57 AM on September 13, 2008
posted by Kloryne at 11:57 AM on September 13, 2008
the unethical answer to your question is to date more than one person
There's nothing at all "unethical" about dating more than one person at a time, presuming that everyone involved knows that that's what's going on.
So, yeah, maybe "dating around" for a while would work better for you than serial monogamy, EpPseudRex.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:18 PM on September 13, 2008
There's nothing at all "unethical" about dating more than one person at a time, presuming that everyone involved knows that that's what's going on.
So, yeah, maybe "dating around" for a while would work better for you than serial monogamy, EpPseudRex.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:18 PM on September 13, 2008
24 and just like you. The secret is not to shove daydreaming out of your mind—it's fun!—but rather to keep it in, under wraps. Few girls are impressed with being idolised.
This was a lesson I learned the hard way. I find the best way to come off is to avoid talking about feelings unless explicitly asked. (Exceptions being: the going steady 'talk,' sex, dropping the L-bomb.) Keeping feelings in is torture for me personally, but it's worked in the long run.
posted by spamguy at 12:44 PM on September 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
This was a lesson I learned the hard way. I find the best way to come off is to avoid talking about feelings unless explicitly asked. (Exceptions being: the going steady 'talk,' sex, dropping the L-bomb.) Keeping feelings in is torture for me personally, but it's worked in the long run.
posted by spamguy at 12:44 PM on September 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
How do I get out of the habit of becoming rapidly infatuated with women I am interested in?
Don't try to stop it--learn to see it for what it is--a nice emotion but not something you have to buy into as a person. Realize that you are just having a feeling.
How? Acknowledge it as a feeling when you have it instead of fighting it. You run from it because you associate it with getting hurt. Just because its happened before doesn't mean it will always happen--sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:56 PM on September 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
Don't try to stop it--learn to see it for what it is--a nice emotion but not something you have to buy into as a person. Realize that you are just having a feeling.
How? Acknowledge it as a feeling when you have it instead of fighting it. You run from it because you associate it with getting hurt. Just because its happened before doesn't mean it will always happen--sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:56 PM on September 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
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who sounds more or less completely normal. It gets better.
posted by three blind mice at 4:18 AM on September 13, 2008